IAP S01E05: To Kill a Mocking-Alan
[Radio Norwich; Joan of Arc by Orchestral Manoeuvres In The Dark fades down]
ALAN
That was Orchestral Manoeuvres In The Dark with some classic electro-rock from their album Architecture and Morality. Two subjects I’m sure we could discuss all night! Indeed, the lines are open if you want to call, make a comment on either architecture or morality... two equally-hot but differently-shaped potatoes. Chips, and… crinkle-cut chips. So, give me a call, please! Seriously, though, do give me a call. It’s 4:50am! The Queen is dead, long live The King Singers!
[title sequence; ALAN in his car with LYNN, "Just pop your elbow on there... you’ve locked the door. Sometimes you don’t want to"]
ALAN
Now, we’ve had several calls during the last few hours concerning a humourous comment I made some time ago, just to reassure you, the Queen is not dead! It was a humorous intro into a song which seems to have been taken a bit too literally by one or two listeners… and a newspaper. So, just to repeat, Queen Elizabeth II is not dead… er, unless she went in the night and is yet to be discovered by the maid! Just coming up to seven o’clock... Gadzooks! It’s the noble Sir David Clifton of Radioshire! Good morning to you, sir!
DAVE
Ha ha ha! Arise, Sir Alan of Partridge!
ALAN
Yeah. Shall we stop talking in this medieval way?
DAVE
Yes.
ALAN
What’s on your show today, Dave?
DAVE
Right! Get dialling if you want to try and cross the Clifton Suspension Quiz, the prize money has soared to an incredible eleven thousand pounds! So, just to remind you of…
[ALAN is not listening, lost in a reverie we get a brief flash of his imaginary strip-club]
ALAN [elsewhere]
You're sexy…
DAVE
Yes?
ALAN
Er... sorry…
DAVE
I didn’t know you cared, Alan! Ha ha ha! That was O-A-P - Old Alan Partridge!
ALAN
I’m not old! I’m 43, you cheeky git!
DAVE
...And this is ‘Blue Oyster Cult’ from the album ‘Agents Of Fortune’.
[fades up (Don't Fear) The Reaper by Blue Oyster Cult]
[Linton lobby; ALAN emerges from the lift to reception]
ALAN [singing]
The chances of anything coming from Mars are a million to one...
[Michael is in the lobby preparing a noticeboard advertising a presentation ALAN is presenting that afternoon]
MICHAEL [working on a notice board for an ALAN presentation in the afternoon]
Morning...
ALAN [stopping MICHAEL until he's finished]
...But still they come!
MICHAEL
Morning, Mr. Partridge. Hey, War Of The Worlds!
ALAN
Wild Woods?
MICHAEL
No, War Of The Worlds! I’m playing guess the tune.
ALAN
Oh, War Of The Worlds! That’s right, yes.
MICHAEL
So, what do you reckon, "3pm, An Afternoon With Alan Partridge, with Special Celebrity Guest Star Sue Cook"?
ALAN
Yeah, can you just put "Plus Sue Cook"? I suppose the good thing about this is you can’t hear your Geordie accent on the board. You should turn this into a sandwich board, and you could press onto your chest what you’re trying to say, sort of a primitive form of Stephen Hawkins’ voice box. I mean, the good thing about Stephen Hawkins is, he is clear.
[ALAN turns to reception, where SUSAN is speaking to JED MAXWELL, who gets excited when he turns and sees ALAN standing next to him]
JED
It’s you, isn’t it? You’re Alan Partridge!
ALAN
Yes I am.
JED
Oh, I don’t believe it! I’m your biggest fan! Look, I’m coming to your afternoon, I’ve got my ticket. Shake my hand!
ALAN [offering his hand]
There you go.
JED
Well what’s it about, then, Alan?
ALAN
It’s basically a TV show that’s not on TV.
JED
Really?
ALAN
It’s like Kilroy, but with tea, Wagon Wheels and Sue Cook.
JED [still shaking ALAN's hand]
Oh, brilliant! I can’t tell you what a pleasure it is to shake your hand!
ALAN
Oh I can see that, you’re obviously enjoying yourself!
JED
Yeah!
ALAN
You’re not going to let it go, are you!?
JED
No!
ALAN
Can I have it back?
[JED reluctantly uncouples his hand from ALAN's. He's still starstruck]
ALAN
Thanks.
JED
It’s so nice that you let your fans have a chance to meet you, you know. So many of them don’t. They forget that it’s fans like us that make you what you are.
ALAN
Yeah... I don’t actually agree with that, but, er… I know some people do, but I don’t.
JED
I couldn’t ask you for your autograph, could I?
ALAN
Yes, certainly.
[ALAN takes a pen and sheet of paper from reception]
ALAN
What’s your name?
JED
Jed. Jed Maxwell.
ALAN
Oh, Jed Maxwell. You’re no relation to Robert Maxwell?
JED [nonplussed]
No.
ALAN
You’re not going to go all fat and steal my pension?
JED [shocked]
No.
ALAN
Just a joke.
JED
Oh, I'm so excited!
ALAN
Actually, could you ask me for this later in front of some important people?
JED
You’ve done it now.
ALAN
Yeah, but it just says "To Jed Maxwell from Alan", you know?
JED
That’s better! It sounds like you know me!
ALAN
Right, okay, well, there you go… There. "To Jed Maxwell from Alan Smith". Who’s he? Never heard of him. I’m expecting two television executives from RTE, who are coming over from Dublin. We’re going to be brunching in there.
JED
Can I shake your hand again?
ALAN
No, you’ve had enough of that. Now, it would make me look very important if you would ask for my autograph in front of them, you know, and shake my hand... Later!
JED
Never you mind, Alan! You can rely on me.
ALAN
Thank you.
JED [to Susan]
It’s Alan Partridge! I can’t believe it! Oh, you haven’t lost it, Alan. I don’t care what they say! See you later.
ALAN
Right. Er, Susan... mmm! That’s a nice smell. Is that new perfume?
SUSAN
Yes, it is.
ALAN
That’s very nice. What is it?
SUSAN
My fiancé bought it for me.
ALAN
Yeah I didn’t ask you who bought it for you. I just asked you what it is.
SUSAN
It’s Ralph Laurent.
ALAN
Can I have a sniff?
SUSAN
Yeah, sure!
[SUSAN demurely offers her wrist, only for ALAN to grab it and pull his torso over reception to sniff her neck]
ALAN
Mmm! Actually, I shouldn’t touch members of staff. Unless I’m reprimanding them, and then I’ll put you across my knee and smack your bare bottoms.
[SOPHIE enters]
SOPHIE
Oh, there was a call for you. A Mr. Nishead rang.
ALAN
Right. Never heard of him. Did he leave a first name?
SOPHIE
No, it was just a Mr. P. Nishead.
ALAN
Sophie, that’s a crank call! That’s another crank call!
SOPHIE [smirking]
Is it?
ALAN
Read it back to yourself...
SOPHIE
Oh yeah, I can see what he’s done now. Shall I put it on the list with all the others?
ALAN
If you would. Actually, can I have a look at that list. I want to get to the bottom of this. Mr. G. String… Mr. Nick Hers… Y. Front… Mr. T. Osser? That doesn’t even work! Mr. B. Oddie? This is Bill Oddie! It’s not a prank call. Why have you put it on there?
SUSAN
Well, we thought it looked like ‘body’.
ALAN
What’s rude about a body?
SOPHIE
Tits?
[BEN enters, straightening his tie]
BEN
Good morning, Sophie.
SOPHIE
Good morning, Ben. Did you sleep well?
BEN [knowing smile]
Yeah. Good night last night, wasn’t it?
ALAN [idly leafing through a copy of Auto Express]
Of course, if you’re professional and you know you’re working in the morning then you would have got your head down about midnight.
BEN
Oh, yeah. I got my head down alright!
ALAN
I’ve had some pretty late night sessions myself. Yeah, in 1976 I saw ELO at the Birmingham NEC. I was there, shouting with everyone else "Come back on, ELO, and carry on playing!".
[LYNN comes in from the car park, struggling to carry a large box]
ALAN [taking the box]
Lynn! Oh, let me take that. Alan Partridge tie and blazer packs and the wagon wheels, excellent! There you go.
[ALAN hands the box back to Lynn, who continues to stagger it over to the lift]
BEN
Can I take that for you?
LYNN
Oh, how very thoughtful!
ALAN
I’ll take it, I’ll take it. This’ll happen to you when you hit forty. Oh, it’s cutting into my fingers.
LYNN [taking the box again]
Oh, I’m so sorry.
ALAN
Erm, can you smell my breath?
LYNN
Ugh. It smells a bit like gas.
ALAN
You know what that is, don’t you?
LYNN
No.
ALAN
Those scotch eggs we had a the petrol station.
LYNN [still struggling to manage the box]
Oh!
ALAN
What time was that?
LYNN
Ooh, about quarter to eleven.
ALAN
Yeah. It’s going to be in the system till about four.
LYNN
Right, well I’ll buy a packet of mints.
ALAN
Great.
[the reception phone rings]
SUSAN
Excuse me, Alan, there’s an urgent call for you!
ALAN
Right, you go on up, Lynn.
[takes the receiver]
ALAN
Hello? Well, right. Well, where are you? Oh, come on! Oh, this is... oh, that... that’s bang out of order! Oh, well take a look in the mirror! What? Pardon?! No, I’ve got a better idea, why don’t you shove it up your arse?
[slams the phone down and sighs]
ALAN
Sue Cook’s pulled out! Michael, change that to "An Afternoon with just Alan Partridge".
MICHAEL
Oh, okay. Roger and out!
ALAN
Yeah, we’re not on short wave radio. Actually, that is quite eye-catching. I suppose that’s the opposite of what you were taught in the army. You know, camouflage?
MICHAEL
Aye. Well, I also done this course at the Army School of Commando Training, and what we had to do was target identification, right? You had to go into this big building, right, full of people, and you had to identify the hostages and the terrorists, and take out the terrorists. I’ve sort of employed it here, like...
ALAN
You know, I know exactly what you mean... because a couple of weeks ago I was doing a corporate for Allied Dunbar, and afterwards a bunch of us went down to Laser Quest. And in there it’s very scary, seconds count!
MICHAEL
Aye.
ALAN
You know, really quick-on-the-draw, quick-on-the-draw!
MICHAEL
You see, look, here. If you ever find yourself in a situation with a concealed weapon, right, what you want to do is, when you draw your weapon, make it –
ALAN
It’s great, I love this!
MICHAEL [sternly]
It’s nee laughing matter. When you draw your weapon, right, make it as smooth as you possibly can. So draw, hold, fix, and fire. And then just move, and fire, and move, and fire, and move, and fire, and move, and fire...
[they both mime moving and firing across the lobby towards the lift, as LYNN steps out]
ALAN
Get back in the lift, Lynn!
[LYNN retreats in panic]
MICHAEL
Get down! Quick, reload! And fire!
SUSAN [appearing behind reception, shouting]
Michael! What do you think you’re doing!?
MICHAEL
Sorry.
[MICHAEL goes back to what he was doing while ALAN hides sheepishly at the end of the reception before returning to the noticeboard when the coast is clear]
MICHAEL
So, do you want us to take out Sue Cook for you?
ALAN
God, no! Oh, I see! Er, yeah, fine.
[Linton restaurant; ALAN and LYNN sit at a table with PAUL TOOL and AIDEN WALSH from RTE]
ALAN
Now, I must say, I’m very grateful you’ve come over! Big fans of all the Irish… stuff. Love your pop music, Enya, and the other one... ripped up the Pope, bald chap? And I think… that’s it.
AIDAN
Well, there’s U2, of course.
ALAN
Oh, well, yeah. Fantastic! Sunday Bloody Sunday, what a great song! It really encapsulates the frustration of a Sunday, doesn’t it? You wake up in the morning, you’ve got to read all the Sunday papers, the kids are running round, you’ve got to mow the lawn, wash the car, and you think "Sunday, bloody Sunday!".
AIDAN
I really hate to do this to you, Alan, but it’s actually a song about...
PAUL
Yeah, Bloody Sunday is actually about a massacre in Derry in 1972.
ALAN
A massacre? Ugh. I’m not playing that again!
AIDAN
I must say, it's a really horrible hotel! Who stays in a place like this?
PAUL
Terrible! It’s so sterile here!
LYNN [meekly]
Yes it is.
AIDAN
The staff are polite but it’s as if their smiles are…
LYNN
…painted on.
AIDAN
Yeah, exactly.
ALAN
Yeah, they are. It’s very false, isn’t it? I mean, the great thing about this hotel is it’s situation. It’s equidistant between London and Norwich. That’s the genius of its location! Even though I do hate it and I don’t live here. I just pop in for breakfast.
[SUSAN approaches at the table]
SUSAN
Hello, Alan!
ALAN
Which is why she knows my name. Hello, Susan - just clocking the name tag, there - can we have four full British-Isles breakfasts, please?
SUSAN
Certainly.
ALAN [calling after Susan]
You robot! I wouldn’t be surprised if she went into the kitchen, opened her chest up, stuck in a screwdriver and turned her smile up. It’s a nice chest, but… full of wires.
[ALAN sighs deeply, forgetting the scotch egg incident]
AIDAN [to Paul]
Can you smell gas?
LYNN
Do you want a mint?
ALAN
The food’ll probably…
LYNN
It’ll just break it down.
ALAN
It’ll break it down, yeah. Actually, I’ll pop over and get some ruby grapefruit juice. That’ll help, too.
[ALAN gets up, leaving LYNN with the Irish guests]
LYNN
Where are you from in Ireland?
PAUL
Well Aidan is from Celbridge, which is near Dublin, and I’m originally from West Cork.
LYNN
Oh? Whereabouts?
PAUL
Near Skibbereen.
LYNN [suddenly excited]
Skibbereen! Oh, I used to go there as a little child!
AIDAN
Really?
LYNN
I used to go on nature trails! I used to spot flowers, and mummy used to say to me...
ALAN [returning with a jug, interrupting Lynn]
Here we go! Ruby grapefruit juice. I thought I’d take the whole jug in case it’s quaffed by R2-D2 over there!
[SUSAN returns]
SUSAN
Tea? Coffee?
ALAN [robot voice]
Tea or coffee! Tea or coffee! Four teas please!
[SUSAN walks off, nonplussed]
AIDAN
You ever been to Ireland, Alan?
ALAN
No, no. I’d love to go.
AIDAN
It amazes me when people say that and it’s only forty-nine quid on a plane.
ALAN
Yeah, I think that’s what puts me off. Well, that’s the smalltalk, now let’s gan down to business. Now, your programme... What’s da big oidea?
PAUL
Well, the 'big oidea' is that we want to produce a programme that appeals to modern, mainstream audiences on both sides of the Irish Sea…
[fade to ALAN's imaginary strip club, AIDAN and PAUL watch on with a pint of Guinness each. They're wearing dark clothes, dark glasses and black berets and casually hold automatic rifles]
ALAN
Ooh, scary Irish men! Would you like to recruit me? I like your berets. They’re worn by Saddam Hussain, Frank Spencer... and the French.
PAUL
…but celebrate culture of both countries.
Yeah. I think the Irish are going through a major image change. I mean, the old image of leprechauns, shamrock, Guinness, horses running through council estates, toothless simpletons, people with eyebrows on their cheeks, badly tarmacked drives , in this country... men in platform shoes being arrested for bombings, lots of rocks... and, er, Beamish. I think people are saying "Yes, there’s more to Ireland than this". A good slogan for the tourist board, "Dere’s more to Oireland dan dis".
[SUSAN and MICHAEL return, each carrying two plates]
SUSAN [putting ALAN's plate down, smiling knowingly at him]
There you go.
ALAN
Thanks very much… …you blond bastard! From the future! Phoo, this looks disgusting! Still, might as well eat it. So, how many people were killed in the Irish famine?
AIDAN
Erm, two million, and another two million had to leave the country.
ALAN
Right. I mean, if it was just the potatoes that were affected, at the end of the day, you’re will pay the price if you’re a fussy eater. If they could afford to emigrate then they could afford to eat in a modest restaurant. Could we come live from the Blarney Stone? I’m trying to get an angle on this.
PAUL
See, Alan, I think you’re increasingly moving towards an area we want to move away from...
ALAN
Yep, you’re absolutely right, live TV can blow up in your face… sorry about that, you must be sick of that.
AIDAN
Of what?
ALAN
You know, being blown up... Bombs.
AIDAN
I’m from Dublin, not in Dublin.
PAUL
We’re from Dublin.
ALAN [dismissively]
Well, that’s where you make them. You’ve come all this way and it seems to me you’re just being a little bit negative.
PAUL
Well, no…
AIDAN
No, I was interested in something earlier. Lynn, what you were talking about when you went to Skibbereen... as a child.
PAUL
That was interesting. Now…
AIDAN
I think there’s something in that...
PAUL
...Yeah.
AIDAN
I would be interested to know if, at the time, did you have any friends or cousins over while you were there?
[AIDEN and PAUL pick LYNN's brains as JED approaches]
JED
Excuse me, Mr. Partridge, can I have your autograph, please?
ALAN
Certainly, certainly. What’s your name?
JED
Jed. Jed Maxwell.
ALAN
Jed Maxwell…Alan Partridge.
[Jed walks off with the signed paper, but no-one noticed. Feeling excluded, ALAN exhales over the table, making PAUL and AIDAN gag]
ALAN
Erm, listen. I think if we… if you stick around for the Afternoon With Alan Partridge, then afterwards you can talk to Lynn and me… about Lynn.
[Linton, function room; behind a partition, ALAN lets a MIDI keyboard play a brief, basic rendition of Knowing Me, Knowing You before stepping out onto a stage bedecked with the green leather furniture from his chat show]
ALAN
Aha!
[the keyboard plays a brief reprise of the introductory music, there's light smattering of applause, with JED is enthusiastically clapping like a madman, AIDAN and PAUL stand at the back of the room, their arms folded]
ALAN
Good afternoon, and w... sorry…
[the music continues. ALAN disappears behind the partition, panic-presses a few buttons that first changes the tune to Monty Pythion's Lumberjack Song, and then to tense percussive rhythm that gets faster and faster before stopping]
ALAN
Sorry about that! A couple of gremlins in the system, there. Ghosts in the machine! Perhaps a metaphor... er…. Good evening! Or, afternoon, whatever... I might as well say this now – Sue Cook has pulled out. So if anyone wants to leave then, please, now’s the time.
[two men get up and leave.]
ALAN [appalled, under his breath]
Amazing. Absolutely amazing.
[a little later...]
ALAN
Question from that person over there…
WOMAN
Has your career gone off the rails a bit?
ALAN
Er, no, not you. The woman behind you.
OTHER WOMAN
Are you in favour of the death penalty?
ALAN
Yes I am! For treason and murder.
[a little later still]
ALAN
...Say "Pedestrianisation of Norwich city centre" to anyone and they’ll probably look blankly at you, or – hello?
[a businessman opens the door and leans in to see he's in the wrong room. He leaves without saying a word]
ALAN
Why do people do that?
[even later. ALAN is sitting on the sofa, arms outstretched, clearly riffing]
ALAN
...Very clever men, both very clever men, but I don’t trust ‘em! Jerry Adams looks like a... deputy headmaster and Martin McGuinness looks like a clown without make-up.
[and even later, ALAN has removed his blazer and he has a elderly woman on stage]
ALAN
Okay, let’s recap. We draw the gun from the holster, knock the safety catch off, there’s one in the chamber, and move and fire, and move and fire, and move and fire. The terrorist is disoriented from the stun grenade, he doesn’t know what’s going on! Remember the double-tap - bang bang! We have to neutralise the threat by incapacitating the target, we do that in two areas. The chestal area here, anywhere down the central line, all the major organs are kept. We get one there, he’s going down. If you’re near enough, you can take a head shot. Again, he’s going down!
[and later still, ALAN is finally wrapping up]
ALAN
One more question, lady at the back…
[a woman puts her hand up, in the next seat, LYNN quickly raises hers]
LYNN
Yes, Alan. I wondered if you had any more Alan Partridge tie and blazer badge combination packs available.
ALAN
Yes I do, as a matter of fact! I’ve got one here, there we go, they're available at the back, or at reception, priced £19.99. Twenty pounds, the penny’s just price rhetoric
[ALAN sees AIDAN check his watch and go to leave, and hurriedly finishes his sentence]
Some of the boxes are a bit faded, but I was made promises about storage that were not kept. So, erm, that’s all from me, thank you very much, goodbye. Sorry, gotta go!
[Linton lobby; ALAN catches up with the RTE execs]
ALAN
Ah, there you are. So, what did you think?
AIDAN
Well, I wouldn’t be depressed.
ALAN
Well, I’m not.
AIDAN
Yeah. When you were berating that old woman, I…
ALAN
Did you see the look on her face? Classic!
AIDAN [concerned]
She was really frightened.
ALAN
Yeah, I know! So, perhaps we could go and chat about all our other ideas in my room.
[JED turn ups, hovering behind ALAN]
PAUL
In your room?
In my room in my house, where I live.
AIDAN
Right, where’s your house?
[JED steps in]
JED
Just down the road. Our house.
ALAN
Yeah…do you remember that man who came up and asked for my autograph earlier?
AIDAN
No.
ALAN
Good! Erm, this is Jed. He’s my…driver.
JED
How do you do! And business partner.
ALAN [doubtfully]
Yeah.
PAUL
Hello.
ALAN
And we live together. We’re not gay! I’ve nothing against them, it’s just, as I see it, God created Adam and Eve, he didn’t create Adam and Steve. I’m kind of a homosceptic.
AIDAN
Right, well, whatever. I just would like to get out of here as soon as possible.
PAUL
It’d be nice to go.
ALAN
Right, let’s go.
[en route to JED's house; ALAN in the passenger seat with AIDAN and PAUL in the back]
ALAN
Have you seen the film ‘The Crying Game’?
PAUL
Yes, I saw it.
ALAN
Yeah. The woman with the old, er, tadger. I suppose the sequel will have a man with a… a fanny!
[outside JED's house; a fairly dilapidated bungalow]
ALAN
This is my house, where I live…
AIDAN
It’s nice and out the way.
ALAN
…with Jed. After you. Bowl of bread, there…
AIDAN
What’s that for?
ALAN
Just, er, just... friends.
[inside; they all stand awkwardly in the hallway for a few seconds]
JED
I’ll put the kettle on.
ALAN [unsure of the house layout]
Right. Erm, shall we go into the… yes, the lounge. Grab a pew! There’s only the one chair. The other one, er… burnt down.
ALAN
If Jed and I are in the room at the same time I tend to do this. Just sort of lean on the wall.
ALAN
Yeah, perched on the arm. That’s a good one. I’ve tried that one.
AIDAN
Very nice picture of yourself on the TV.
ALAN
I always leave this here, so that way I’m always on the telly!
PAUL
Who’s the other one?
ALAN
This is, er... David Copperfield. Yes, he’s the American magician, you know... "I’m an American!" . Yes, he claims to have made the Statue of Liberty disappear, but... it’s still there. Talking out of his arse.
AIDAN [referring to a painting over the fireplace]
Is that an original?
ALAN
I don’t know why I bought this painting. It’s got a very haunting quality… man and machine. I mean, I often look at this in the morning and think, "Ooh, I’d like to kiss her!".
AIDAN
Actually, do you mind if I use your toilet?
ALAN
By all means.
AIDAN
Where is it?
ALAN
It – well, I’ll show you.
[ALAN leads AIDAN out of the room]
ALAN
This is the lobby. I like to read the Sunday papers in here. And, er...
[ALAN opens the door to the adjacent room, it's pitch black]
ALAN
Right, I can never find the light switch in here…
[ALAN and AIDAN are already fully in the room by the time PAUL, covering the rear, turns the lights on, the walls are covered with pictures of ALAN, with bunting and a mannequin with an Alan Partridge face mask sat on an armchair in the centre of the room. ALAN freezes in horror]
ALAN
Oh my God. I am such a big head! Two things... one, presumably you think I’m a bit odd and you’d like to leave immediately.
AIDAN
Yeah.
PAUL
Yes.
ALAN
And two... can I come with you?
AIDAN
No.
ALAN
Right, okay.
[JED enters with a tray of tea]
JED
Tea’s up! I’m sorry, we’ve only got one mug, we don’t get a lot of visitors. Well you’re the biggest, you better have the mug... you’ll have to have this milk jug, it’s a bit like a mug only it’s got a spout on it! I’ll have the coffee jar, and there you go, Alan...
PAUL
Is that one of those ball things you have in washing machines?
JED
That’s right! It’s called an Arielator!
ALAN
Cheers. Yeah, I often think I should swallow this whole, and let it slosh round my system dispensing the coffee...
[AIDAN and PAUL seize the opportunity to slip away while both JED and ALAN are turned away]
ALAN
...The trouble is, it’d be quite difficult to swallow, and even harder to… wh- wh- where have they gone?
JED
You don’t think my room scared them, do you?
ALAN
I think they might have found it ... a bit creepy!
JED
It must be odd being here in a room, surrounded by photos of yourself!
ALAN
It is a bit, yeah!
JED
I like David Copperfield as well. Not as much as you, though.
ALAN
No, no I can see that. He’s losing the battle for wall space, isn’t he? Did you take these on a telephoto lens?
JED
Yeah.
ALAN
Are you the crank caller?
JED
Yeah.
ALAN
Yep, thought so.
JED
I’m just a fan, Alan, that’s all. Your biggest fan. I’ll show you something.
[JED takes his shirt off to reveal a life-size tattoo of ALAN's head on his chest]
ALAN
Glory be!
JED
It took fourteen hours! I fainted three times!
ALAN
Jed, I’ll level with you. I’m really scared. In fact, I think I’ll go.
JED
No!
ALAN
No, it’s okay... I’ll go.
[JED blocks ALAN's exit]
JED
No, stay! Don’t go!
ALAN
Alright, alright, I’ll stay, I’ll stay. W-w-what do you want to do?
JED
Let’s do an interview.
ALAN
I think that’s a great idea!
JED
Do you really?
ALAN
I think it’s the best idea in the world.
JED [putting on one of the many Alan Partridge masks hanging from the walls]
Oh! Great, well you can be David Copperfield, and I’ll… …be Alan Partridge! Ahaaaa!
ALAN
Oh God!
[ALAN tries to run out but JED catches him and they grapple against the wall]
ALAN
Not my face! I’m doing a photoshoot for Vision Express!
[JED gets ALAN in a head-lock]
ALAN
I’ll give you a Chinese burn!
JED [tightening the headlock]
Argh! You bastard!
ALAN
Urrrgh… I can’t breath… I can’t breath…
JED
Look, Alan, I just want to be your friend, that’s all.
ALAN [still choking, his voice croaking]
I’ll be your friend.
JED
Oh, great. Will you come and see my brother-in-law next weekend?
ALAN
I’d love to.
JED
Bet you can’t guess where he lives.
ALAN
Erm…
JED
Go on, have a guess.
ALAN
Er, Nottingham?
JED
No.
ALAN
Oh. Er… Chester?
JED
Where?
ALAN
Ches – Chester. Near north Wales, off the M56.
JED
No, Leeds!
ALAN
Oh, Leeds!
JED
Can you smell gas?
ALAN
Er, I think that’s my breath. I ate a scotch egg. I thought it would have broken down by now but I think I’m slightly constipated. Surprising, really, considering the circumstances.
[JED releases ALAN]
JED
Sorry, Alan, I didn’t know. Are you alright?
ALAN
Yeah.
JED
So, we’re friends then?
ALAN
Best friends.
JED
Oh! In the whole world?
ALAN
Pretty much, yeah!
[outside; the front door opens and ALAN quickly exits, followed by JED]
ALAN
Thank you.
JED
Well, now you know where I live I hope you’ll not be a stranger.
ALAN
Who… de… ver... str… no, won’t be… one…
JED
There’ll always be a kettle on here.
[ALAN gets in his car and shuts the door and locks it, winding the window down half-way]
ALAN
Oh, great.
JED
I’ll see you next week, then. Have that pint.
ALAN
Yup.
JED
Go and see my brother.
ALAN
No way you big spastic! You’re a mentalist!
[Alan floors it and accelerates away]
JED
Come back! I’ll rip your bloody head off! Come back!
[the dirt track comes to an end at a crescent of houses]
ALAN
Dead end! Where’s the road? Where’s the road?
[the credits roll as ALAN abandons his car, ensuring it's remote-locked and makes good with his legs down a ginnel, leaping quite impressively over a stile into a ploughed field]
ALAN
He’s a mentalist!
[still running, pausing to catch his breath, making sure he's not being followed]
ALAN
Help me someone!
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