MMM S02E05B: Royal Visit

[ALAN and SIMON are in a studio bedecked with Union Flag bunting, ALAN has a jumper with Prince Charles' face, and SIMON's jumper has Prince Harry]

ALAN
And on the day that Prince William and the Duchess of Cambridge are, of course, about to open the newly refurbished Visitor's Centre at Norwich Castle, that was The Monks, with 'Nice Legs, Shame About the Face', a cheeky 1970s novelty pop song that is now generally regarded as being plain hateful to women. The time is 11:50... 

SIMON
And nice legs, shame about the face, is not a description you could apply to Kate Middleton. 

ALAN
Oh no! Nice, ruddy everything! She is a winner, she's managed to bring some much-needed mongrel blood to what, by anyone's reckoning, republican or monarchist, is a pretty stagnant gene-pool. 

SIMON
Like a much-needed splash of Worcestershire sauce in an otherwise...

ALAN
...idiotic broth.



[guest in the studio is CLEMENT ROWE, a royal historian]
 
CLEMENT
George III, who suffered from syphilis, by this time too insane to rule, his son, the Prince Regent, stepped in and for nine years ruled the country and effectively saved the monarchy. 
 
SIMON
Sounds familiar, the sidekick running the show!

ALAN
Oi you! 

SIMON
Boss man there, losing his marbles. 

ALAN
Hey, there's nothing defective about my brain!

SIMON [sarcastically] 
Oh, no!

ALAN
I do... shush a minute! I do three Sudokus a week!

SIMON
You'll be hearing voices soon, mate.

ALAN
Yes, I will, saying, "Sack your sidekick!", ha ha! Again! If you've just joined us, we're joined by Oxbridge, not sure which one, historical whiz, Clement Rowe. Clem... ent.

CLEMENT
Well, the Regency is one of the most fascinating periods in European history, and I'll tell you why. Across Europe, there was this...

ALAN
I like you, and I'll tell you why. Because you are, and I mean this phrase, in the original sense, full of gay spunk. It's a pity that that phrase will be, that innocent phrase, will be sullied by those people, we know who they are, the sniggerers, the smart alecs...

CLEMENT
A little knowledge is a dangerous thing, drink deeply or not at all. 

ALAN
Pity the fool. 

SIMON
That's Mr T.

CLEMENT
Have you ever read the wonderful novel The Go-Between by LP Hartley? 

ALAN
Yes. No.

CLEMENT
It opens with this phrase, the past is a foreign country, they do things differently there. 

ALAN
And, of course, the reverse is true. Often, going to a foreign country is like going to the past. Especially if you visit somewhere like...

SIMON
Albania?

ALAN
...Scotland. It was like the '50s. 

CLEMENT
Well, what's so infinitely fascinating about history is that if we fail to learn from it, then we're doomed.

SIMON
If more people learn from the past, the less likely they are to repeat the same mistakes again and again. 

CLEMENT
Precisely. 

ALAN
Which is what you just said.

SIMON
...in agreement

CLEMENT
In a manner of speaking. 

SIMON
Just agreeing with the guy. 

CLEMENT
When you think of history like that, as this pool of knowledge, you just want to immerse yourself in it.

ALAN
But there's a danger, isn't there, that you can get stuck in the past? I have a milkman, for example, who can't stop dressing like a teddy boy. I'm sure if you asked him what was number one in the hit parade, he'd say Great Balls of Fire by Gerry Lee Lewis. Then he'd look at you and whisper, "Help me!". 

[ALAN mimes spitting into each of his palms and smoothing down his hair]

ALAN
Clement Rowe, thank you for coming on the show and sharing with us your dulcet tones. 

SIMON
He does. He has got a nice voice. My sat-nav could do with a voice like that. 

ALAN
Your sat-nav could do with a car!

SIMON
It's got a car!

ALAN
"It's got a car!", it's got an aftermarket device he fitted himself, didn't even take it to a garage! But he's got a point, sat-navs have those rather seductive female voices that seem like a good idea at the time, and then there's just the, sort of, very subtle, barely detectable, creeping notion that you might just be being nagged!

SIMON
It's like one of those self-service checkouts at Tesco's. "Unidentified item in bagging area". "Remove item from bagging area". "Rescan item". "Please wait for assistance". All right, shut up! Shut up! 

ALAN
Only if you scan the items in a slovenly way. You know? Bag it, scan it, then leave it alone! It's when people continuously fiddle with bagged items when scanning new ones that the computer, quite rightly, thinks, "This guy's an asshole!". Clement, final word on history? 

CLEMENT [considered]
History is the greatest story one can tell, because it never ends.

ALAN
Not for me. 


[off-air. ALAN, alone in the studio while Camouflage by Stan Ridgway plays, practices kneeling in front of a picture Elizabeth II... until the sound of someone entering the studio causes him to panic and make it look like he was picking up a pen]



ALAN
Simon and I will be back in an hour, because it's time now to hand over to our very own Charlie Moran, who's reporting to us live from the Visitor's Centre. Hello, Charlie.

CHARLIE (Sally Phillips)
I'm here among an already large and steadily growing crowd of well-wishers...

ALAN
I said, hello, Charlie!

CHARLIE
I beg your pardon? How rude of me! Hello, hi!

ALAN
Yeah, hello!

CHARLIE 
Now, the balmy spring weather means it's already almost double the number of well-wishers...

ALAN
Sorry, Charlie, just going to interrupt you there... just, sorry, just had a text from Geoff... Shh, quiet for a second... Geoff, who points out, in capital letters, that the song, 'Nice Legs, Shame About the Face', is not hateful to women, as the lyrics could be easily about a man, brackets, Andrew Marr. Fair point.

SIMON
Does Andrew Marr have good legs? 

ALAN
Oh, yes. That's, er... Thanks for that, Geoff. Charlie, back to you!

CHARLIE
OK, well, I was just saying that Norfolk certainly knows her to the world and the royals... 



[off-air, ALAN and SIMON reading in silence]

SIMON
It says here they're thinking about making Gloucester Street one way.

VOICE IN HEADPHONES
Alan!

ALAN
Are you fucking with me?

SIMON
It says here.

VOICE IN HEADPHONES
Alaaan!

ALAN
Don't jerk me around.

SIMON
I don't know what you're talking about.

ALAN
Oh, they'd love you in the Hague. 

SIMON
I honestly don't know what you're talking about. 

VOICE IN HEADPHONES
Alan?

ALAN
You are this close. This close. One more time. 

VOICE IN HEADPHONES [shouting]
ALAN!

ALAN
That's amazing.

SIMON
I think it's coming out of your headphones, mate. 

ALAN
Shit, the feed's gone down!

JINGLE [chorus]
North Norfolk Digitial!

ALAN
That was the Sounds Alive Orchestra with "Norfolk Digital Station Ident 4". Let's have it again. Play again. 

JINGLE [chorus]
North Norfolk Digital!

ALAN
Where's the laminate thing? There's a laminate, what to do if this happens. 

[SIMON reaches over to press the JINGLE button again]

JINGLE [chorus]
North Norfolk Digital!

ALAN
Don't keep doing that! Do a different one. 

JINGLE
[urgent news chords]

ALAN [flustered]
There's no news... despite that sting... [whispering] This is terrible!


[CUT TO: studio engineer gathering cables to set up a laptop with an internet connection]

ALAN [voice-over]
I'm afraid we've lost Charlie, but I've found a vantage point here in the station from where I can just make out the castle. I can tell you that in my line of sight are the backs of a dozen excited heads, as well as the front of heads, faces, of many more. From here, they're not much more than little white blobs. Any brown ones? No. I'm not able to provide much more detail at this stage due to the slight frosting of the windows here in the bathroom. But I can tell you that the glorious Norwich sunshine is creating a wonderfully dappled effect on the cubicle floor. 



[CUT TO: back in studio, ALAN and SIMON watching the proceedings on the laptop]

ALAN
And Kate, the Duchess of Cambridge, still chatting with the throngs of well-wishers, bending over there, showing a lovely rapport with the children. If you've just joined us, we are bringing you live coverage of the royal visit via footage from the Linkman Media Group website. That's an ugly man. 

SIMON
He's not shaved!

ALAN
That's- that is an ab- absolute disgrace! To have someone that ugly...  

SIMON [interjecting]
It's disgusting!

ALAN
...close to royalty. All I can say is that his offensive face stands in stark contrast to Kate, who's looking quite, quite radiant today in a sort of a mint-green dress with two slits up the side.

SIMON
They're gills. 

ALAN
Not gills. They're air vents, to be fair, to let air circulate around her royal midriff, flanks and back. She has such an easy manner...

SIMON
Lovely, isn't it?

ALAN
...It's difficult not to just be tranquilised by her... face. Duchess of Cambridge, delightful woman. You can imagine her appearing in a cereal advert on a sunny veranda, laughing between mouthfuls of Special K. 

SIMON
Special Kate.
 
ALAN
How true. 


[cut to black]


ALAN
Of course, shortly, it will all be a memory. There'll be nothing left to do but tear down the bunting, bin it and slope off. William there, smiling... and his unmistakable big, white royal teeth. I'm sure he gets through a lot of paste. Anything to add to that?

SIMON
No.

ALAN
No. I think we've had enough of that. [closes the laptop] And that concludes our live royal coverage. What an unforgettable day.

SIMON
Wonderful. Absolutely wonderful.

ALAN
Absolutely wonderful. What do you think Kate and Wills do when they go home? I imagine they stagger through the doors of her large, opulent bedroom suite. She leans against the double doors as she closes them and says, "If I get given one more bouquet of flowers, I think I'll just...".

William will say, "You'll just what?", and she says, "Oh, I don't know!". She'll say, "I'm just tired! I'll probably have something to eat, a rice-based dish or some pasta". I mean, William's always ravenous, not so much Kate, but she eats what she can. 

SIMON
She's not too thin, is she? 

ALAN
God, no, we don't want to go through all that again.

[cut to black]



ALAN
...But these were no ordinary lovers. For together, one day, they would rule over England, Scotland, Wales and, God willing, the whole of Ireland. Kate kicked off her shoes and sat cross-legged on the bed. She reached for an apple from the bedside table and chomped into it decisively. "Would His Royal Highness care to watch a vid?"

"If you don't mind, it's Squadron Leader Windsor to you!".

"No way! When?!".

"Just this morning".

"Well done, that man!" said Kate, saluting him cheekily and giggling. But William was distracted. "You miss your mother, don't you?". 

"Every hour of every day. Sometimes I wish I could just fly that damn Chinook to heaven, have a chat with my mum and then fly back to base!".  And with that, he scooped her up in his arms, like a big digger. 


[cut to black, ALAN is still recounting his Royal fan-fic]


ALAN
William sat next to her on the bed and ran his fingers through her hair. "Kate", he whispered, "You truly are my sleeping beauty". He walked towards the window, poured himself a large scotch and peered out over the kingdom that would one day be his. He looked back at his slumbering princess, downed the scotch in one, then, loosening his tie, he walked towards the bed. Here's the theme from Blue Peter.

[cut to black]

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