MMM S02E03A: Blackbird

ALAN
Earlier I played Meat Loaf's 'I'd Do Anything For Love, But I Won't Do That' and we asked, what would you not do for love? Sandra in Beccles.

CALLER: SANDRA
Shave my dad's back.

ALAN
Barry in Kelling.

CALLER: BARRY

Give kidney.

ALAN

Leonard in Taverham.

CALLER: LEONARD

Put her on the car insurance.

ALAN

A lot of you are saying that. Tara in Westwick.

CALLER: TARA (infant voice)
Share my sweeties.

ALAN
And Beth in Paston.

CALLER: BETH
RENOUNCE CHRIST!

ALAN
Keep those calls coming in, the winning answer receives a year's supply of meatloaf. That's one loaf a week for a year, provided exclusively for this show by Bannon's the butchers. They don't say what kind of meat it is, but when I press them, they say it will vary from week to week. This is Mid-Morning Matters.

[ALAN presses a JINGLE and immediately gets up for what can only be described as a compressed burst of hygiene. SIMON holds up a pouch of wet wipes]

JINGLE

ALAN: Hey, you, what do you want?
WOMAN: A friendly voice. I listen to Mid Morning Matters, it's fantastic radio!
JAMAICAN MAN: I love Alan Partridge! The man is fresh, man!
BOY: [dog bark] Jack loves it too, Mum!

ALAN  
Ha ha! Now, his kids may have two dads, but his music meets with everyone's approval... It's Elton John.

[ALAN fades up Elton and removes his headphones]

ALAN
Sorry about the speed wash, still recovering from this morning's workout.

SIMON  
Ooh, what was that, boxercise?

ALAN
Uh-uh. Lovemaking with Angela. Oof! I mean, she's no vogue model and... she's not even a catalogue model, but she is strong and she has stamina. Have you ever been out with a woman with a rough tongue?

SIMON [awkwardly]

Er...

ALAN

It doesn't matter, I've said too much, I've said too much. But, no, I've been up since four sweating like a Mexican bandit at the end of a spaghetti western!

SIMON

The good, the bad and the, er... [points at ALAN] ugly!

ALAN [chuckling]

Oi, you! No, it's not a bad description of what went on, because there were three distinct phases. She was pissed!

[cut to black]

 

BLACKBIRD [singing]

What would life be without cars?
What would life be without trees?
What would life be without oceans?
What would life be without bees?

SIMON

Sounds like one of Alan's phone-ins.

ALAN

That's actually true. Lovely song!

BLACKBIRD
Thank you.

ALAN

Lovely song.

SIMON

Very nice.

ALAN 

If you've just joined us, we are in session, live, with the legendary folk singer Blackbird Goodbrook. If that's that how you pronounce it?

BLACKBIRD

Yes, Blackbird, it's a nickname. A lot of people call me Blackbird or Blackie, Bee-bee... My girlfriend calls me Bee-bee-gee-bee, but that's a pet name, stays within the walls of the cottage!

ALAN

Oh, well, that's funny! I mean, I call my girlfriend... I call her Little Sparrow. She calls me Big Bird and I waddle in and fall on her. I mean, she's fine, she's part of it.

SIMON

He's literally got a crush on her!

ALAN

But no, in all seriousness, a robust physical appetite between two healthy adults can mushroom into real love.

SIMON [awkwardly changing the subject]

Really great song, that, though, Blackbird.

BLACKBIRD
Thanks. I was just trying to get across the point that in the race for the new, a lot of people forget what's important.

ALAN

Eg. Bees!

SIMON
Didn't they do Saturday Night Fever?

BLACKBIRD

A lot of people think they're a nuisance, but all animals are vital to the ecosystem. Even bacteria.

ALAN
Er, yeah, I know what you mean about bees, but bacteria, come on!

SIMON
Pull the other one!

ALAN
Pull the other one! I mean, seriously, I have a bath once a week with a cap-full of Dettol, and that's non-negotiable. I like to come downstairs knowing there's nothing alive on me.

BLACKBIRD

But we're all God's creatures.

ALAN

Granted, but if we keep putting ourselves last all the time, we're going to wake up one morning and find we've been usurped... by apes.

SIMON [sniggering]

Did you watch Dawn Of The Planet Of The Apes last night, Alan?

ALAN

Yeah. But I'm not saying we're definitely going to be taken over by apes.

SIMON

You're saying we may be taken over by apes.

ALAN  
Just got to be vigilant, that's all! Let's talk about your music, Blackbird.

BLACKBIRD

Yeah.

ALAN

Er, Blackie.

SIMON

Blackbird.

ALAN

Yeah, Blackbird. Until I saw you perform so beautifully the other night in the Boxley Wheatsheaf, I would have said that all folk music was the soundtrack to a harvest. But... I think your music's that good it could be used on an advert.

BLACKBIRD

Thank you! Um, hopefully not an advert for a car.

ALAN

God, no, that wouldn't work. But, um, certainly for something like Scotland.

SIMON

Oh, yes. Accompanied by one of those lovely, comforting, gentle voiceovers. [soft Edinburgh accent] "Oh, hello! Have a wee dram!".

ALAN

Although people in Scotland don't really speak like that, do they? I think it would be more accurate to have someone just saying, you know, [gruff Glasgow accent] "Come tae Scotland, if ye fancy it!", you know? "What?!", and you try and walk round him. "What's the matter?!". You know, you're saying nothing's the matter, I just want to go back to my hotel. Let's have some music! 

[BLACKBIRD starts gently strumming his guitar]

ALAN

This is Status Quo!

[off-air, ALAN is boasting about his jacket to a female studio assistant off camera]

ALAN

Yeah, thanks, it's Italian, actually. I bought it in Capri. Guess how much it cost?

STUDIO ASSISTANT [off]
Sixty pounds?

ALAN
A thousand pounds! In 1980! But you're not paying for the leather, you're paying for the lining. No-one sees it, but I sometimes throw it over the back of the chair on the train, let people, er... let them see the money!

[on-air, back with BLACKBIRD]

BLACKBIRD

Folk music's always been seen as old-fashioned. There's no synthesisers, there's no samplers...

SIMON

Um, I mean look at the way Bob Dylan was treated when he went electric.

ALAN

Yeah. "Barabbas!"

BLACKBIRD

It was Judas, I think.

ALAN

Yeah. Sorry, I just... I confused... they're both, uh, Easter baddies.

 

BLACKBIRD

It's always been about reaching local people for me. The stadiums were never for me, I leave that for the likes of, uh, One Direction.

ALAN

I'd like them to go in one direction. Down a dark tunnel.

SIMON

Yeah. That collapses. At both ends. 

ALAN

Yup. Trapping them! 

SIMON

They make the monkeys sound like the Beatles.

ALAN
They make actual monkeys sound like the Beatles!

BLACKBIRD

They make actual monkeys sound like actual Beatles!

ALAN

Blackbird, want to play a song?

BLACKBIRD

Love to. This one's called... The Threshers' Farewell. Picture the scene, the Sussex Downs. A young boy, nay, a young man...

 

ALAN  
Sorry, I'm going to have to interrupt you there, Blackbird, for traffic and travel. Sorry, my mistake.

BLACKBIRD
OK, no worries.

ALAN
But it's a great song. I heard this the other night. To summarise, grumpy town, kid goes missing, town pulls together, kid never found, but when wind blows, sounds like kid's singing.

BLACKBIRD

More or less, yeah, but it's moving, you know.

 
ALAN

Unlike the traffic on the A47.

JINGLE

Traffic and travel, sponsored by Castrol.

[cut to black]

ALAN

That was Beyoncé's mum, Tina Turner. More of your emails on what you would not do for love, Derek says the car boot sale this Saturday. And that's the end of it. [to SIMON] What would you not do for love?

SIMON

Patricia emails saying miss church, slash, watch blue movie.

ALAN

I'm sure she's great with the kids.

 
JINGLE

Bannons the Butchers. The housewife's choice for bulk-buying meat!

ALAN

That man's voice is dripping, with dripping!

BLACKBIRD

You want me to play a song, Alan?

ALAN

Yeah, that's why you're here.

BLACKBIRD
Name me a hero. It's just the intro.

 
ALAN

Oh, okay...

BLACKBIRD
Just name a hero.

ALAN

Superman.

BLACKBIRD

Another one?

ALAN
George Osborne. No, He-Man.

BLACKBIRD

I'll give you one.

ALAN
Good.

BLACKBIRD

This is a guy called Geoff, who was just an ordinary guy, nothing special. He was involved in the Norfolk floods of 1997, do you remember those?

ALAN  
Yeah.

BLACKBIRD

Geoff was involved in the floods too, but he didn't look outside for a hero. He looked inside himself, and, boy, did he answer that call. This is called Raindrops and Rainbows. It goes a little something like this...

It rained, and it rained, and it rained, 

and it rained, and it rained some more.

A thousand tiny tears coming,

flooding underneath my door.

[ALAN, nodding off, audibly grunts as his head falls back, cut to black]

BLACKBIRD [singing]

Geoff saved them all from heaven, March 19th, 1997 

SIMON

Brilliant.

ALAN

You're listening to Mid Morning Matters. Blackbird, I've written down a word on my notepad. It's the only word I've written, I'd like you to read it out.

BLACKBIRD 
It's... spellbinding.

ALAN

That's what that song was to me.

BLACKBIRD

Thank you very much. I was just telling a true story about a guy I knew, Geoff Tanner.

ALAN

Not the Geoff Tanner who was arrested?

BLACKBIRD

Um...

ALAN  
He lives in the Old Rectory. He was accused of keeping images of children.

BLACKBIRD
He was never charged with that.

ALAN

Yeah, with mud sticks. I shouldn't really have mentioned his name. At least I didn't mention his address.

SIMON

You did.

ALAN

Oh, no, yes, I did, I said I lived at the Old Rectory. I've done it again. It just shows you, doesn't it? Paedophiles can, can be heroes! So if there are any well-meaning vigilantes thinking of bowling up to the Old Rectory to teach them a lesson...

SIMON

Go easy on him.

ALAN

Yeah.

SIMON

He did rescue all those Cub Scouts.

BLACKBIRD

The song was more about a gentler time, perhaps.

SIMON

1997?

ALAN

When the terrorists were Irish!

BLACKBIRD

It's hard to find a quiet moment in the modern world because of the many distractions.

ALAN
Oh! I know exactly what you mean! You can get bogged down, con't you, with the busy-ness of life!
You've got gas bills on the doormat and pizza menus, Lib Dem leaflets, Oxfam demanding a direct debit, no! An invoice from the window cleaner, I'll pay you at the end of the month! And you think, how can I escape this madness? But, no, but it sounds like you've...

SIMON [interjecting]

Cracked it.

ALAN

...got it licked!

BLACKBIRD

Thank you very much. All I ever wanted was for my music to connect with people.

SIMON

Blackbird Bluetooth!

BLACKBIRD

I don't know about that, when it comes to technology I'm a bit of a Luddite, really.

ALAN

Nothing wrong with being a Luddite.

SIMON

This place is crawling with them.

ALAN

We were giving a talk, weren't we, on DAB radio. One of the producers went bananas, attacked a mixing desk with a squash racquet. He said his insulin was low, but I think he was just frightened.

SIMON

Maybe they have a point, though, the Luddites. Maybe we'd be a lot happier if we lived like old Blackbird.

BLACKBIRD

I just think that there are some things that are a bit more important than iPhones and iPads.

ALAN

I think I do now. When I get home tonight, I'm going to throw away my kettle. [awkward pause] Let's have a last song.

BLACKBIRD

Okay...

ALAN

I like the one about bees.

BLACKBIRD

We could do a new one, I've got a fun song about a shepherd who moves to the city. It's upbeat, quirky, and it's called Boomtown. [starts strumming]

ALAN

Yeah, could do that one... Uh... Yeah... [whispering] I like the one about bees!

[cut to black]

BLACKBIRD 
What would life be without iPads?

ALAN and BLACKBIRD

Better!

BLACKBIRD

What would life be without cows?

ALAN and BLACKBIRD

Worse!

BLACKBIRD 
What would life be without Tescos? Better!

ALAN [slightly after]

Better!

BLACKBIRD  
What would life be without beer?

ALAN and BLACKBIRD

Worse!

[ALAN takes callers with their suggestions while BLACKBIRD continues singing]

ALAN
John in Beccles!

BLACKBIRD  
What would life be without...

CALLER: JOHN

Food!

ALAN, SIMON and BLACKBIRD
Worse!

ALAN

Geoff in Horsford!

BLACKBIRD  
What would life be without...

CALLER: GEOFF
Tax.

ALAN and SIMON

Better!

BLACKBIRD

Worse!

ALAN

Diane in Grimston.

BLACKBIRD  
What would life be without...

CALLER: DIANE

Gor-Tex.

ALAN, SIMON and BLACKBIRD

Worse!

ALAN
Jess in Horsford.

BLACKBIRD  
What would life be without...

CALLER: JESS
Immigration.

ALAN
Neutral.

SIMON

It's complicated!

ALAN

Mick in Horsham.

BLACKBIRD  
What would life be without...

CALLER: MICK  
Marmite.

[the song breaks down at this impasse with laughter, SIMON drums a little on BLACKBIRD's guitar but is gently moved away]

ALAN

All very, er, always very er... Marmite, indeed. Mick in Foulsham. We'll have a few calls about that,

certainly. And immigration.

[cut to black]