2005: Top Teen Tunes
[fades down 48 Crash by Suzi Quattro]
I'm Alan Partridge. This is T-T-T, Top Teen Tunes.
My first song is 'Ride a White Swan' by T-Rex. Brings back possibly my happiest memory, I was 17 and it was a long, hot summer. This song was playing in a branch of John Menzies, where I'd gone to treat myself to a Mint Cracknell and a copy of Auto Trader as a reward for having passed my driving test.
Interestingly, the song inspired me not to ride a white swan, that would just be cruel, but to ride a white Austin Maxi, which I just purchased for sixty pounds from the Trader. I say white, it was actually... some lunatic had actually hand-painted it with matte white emulsion. He'd used a house brush, you could actually see the strokes. I don't mean the punk combo. You can see the white stripes. Again, I don't mean Jack and Meg.
I remember when I first bought it, I opened the boot and inside there was a Freeman Hardy and Willis shoe box and inside there's just a lot of Access receipts and a photograph of a boy with a red setter and an unused nappy, which I used about a year later to wipe the flies off the headlamps just outside Bath.
But anyway, on with the song. Which- and every time I hear it, I think of a matte-white Austin Maxi in fair-to-good condition. And conversely, whenever I see an Austin Maxi, it doesn't have to be white, as long as it's in reasonable condition, I think of Ride a White Swan by T-Rex.
If it's not a reasonable condition, I just drive on and forget about it. I've turned the corner, it's out of my mind. So, Ride a White Swan by T-Rex.
I'm Alan Partridge and this is Top Teen Tunes. My next choice is 'Blockbuster', which reminds me of the day I met Brian Connolly, of The Sweet, at the London Boat Show. Fascinating man, I remember telling him that I loved the raw energy of Blockbuster, but that I felt Papa Joe was just lazy. But he was looking at inflatable rafts and just didn't want to be bothered. Although he did sign a bottle of deck wipe.
He wasn't so big after the '70s. I mean, career-wise, physically, he was massive. In fact, a friend of mine went to see Sweet live in 1990, and he asked for his money back. In the end, the venue just gave him tickets for Richard Digance. But a marvellous song, Blockbuster.
One that I've often thought you could use in a campaign for Blockbuster video. "Does anyone know the way? There's got to be a way... to Blockbuster!". Yeah, it's on Church Lane between Boots and Alliance and Leicester. "Dum-dum-dum-dada-da...", you know, It makes sense! Blockbuster by The Sweet.
I'm Alan Partridge. We're back with Top Teen Tunes. This is one of the greats, 'When You're in Love with a Beautiful Woman' by Dr. Hook who, as far as I know, is not a qualified GP.
I was 15 years old, and my father had taken us out for lunch at the Pig & Whistle in Shoeburyness, and whilst this song was playing in the background, and I was waiting for my oxtail soup, dad started talking about his ultimate dream.
He had a vision of a card which one day people would carry in their wallet, and it would be like a credit card, but instead of running up debts the money would be debited directly from your Current account. And people laughed at the time. Dismissed it as a crazy dreams of a 50 year old. Or, you know, looked at him in an odd way and changed the subject.
But Dad, if you're watching up there, I don't know, perhaps they've got a TV in heaven, although I very much doubt if they've got VH1, but, probably lots of religious channels, but dad, if you're watching, they did it, dad. They did it, and they called it Switch.
Dr. Hook. I'm Alan Partridge. Top Teen Tunes.
My next choice is 'Billy Don't be a Hero' by Paper Lace, which gave me my first taste of history and an interest in the American Civil War, and actually led to me collecting die-cast metal figures of Confederate soldiers. I wasn't very good with the detail on the faces, and quite often I would end up painting the whole head and hat flesh-coloured. Erm... It looked like they had hat-shaped heads. Quite a good idea for a film! The Men with the Hat-Shaped Heads. They could be fighting... Nah.
The first time I heard this song, I was actually in the garden on Whitsun weekend, sitting on a varnished sector of tree trunk, which were very popular in those days as stools. And I listened to the whole song, but by the end I had tears in my eyes. And ironically, I was eating off a paper plate. I had some Chipsticks and a beef paste sandwich.
And my father came across from the other side of the garden, where he'd been smoothing out some concrete with my uncle Peter, and he said, "Alan, why are you crying?", and I said, "I think I may have just heard one of the greatest songs ever written, Dad. This amazing story of Billy and Mary, and how at the end, Mary receives a letter from Billy on the very same day she finds out he's died. And I heard she threw the letter away". And my dad just burst out laughing.
Uncle Peter had gone inside by then, so... Billy Don't be a Hero by Paper Late... Lace.
I'm Alan Partridge, you're listening to T-T-T, Top Teen Tunes.
My next song is Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes by David Bowie, which is a very moving song because, like several singers, Bowie was clearly struggling with some sort of speech impediment. And it's fascinating, I think, to note that Mr Bowie failed to overcome his speech impediment, and yet people still like this song. Whereas Gary Gates did overcome his speech impediment, yet people don't like him or his music. It's weird how things turn out.
Anyway, as a bit of fun, I was actually going to choose five songs featuring singers with speech impediments, such as My Generation, Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da... but then I was asked, I was actually asked not to mention this, but the Director of Programming has a lisp, and I don't mean slight! Put it this way, when I agreed to do this campaign, he was very kind, and he said, "Thpank you shpo much for doing thishp!". It's very pronounced.
But it's a testament to the man's good judgement that he's chosen to remain behind the scenes, and I applaud him for that. Anyway, this is Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes by David Bowie, whose real name, of course, is David Borchester. Later, shortened that to Bowie, Borchester Bowie. Changes.
Top Teen Tunes was an extra on the DVD "Alan Partridge presents The Cream of British Comedy", a live show organised to raise money and awareness for the Teenage Cancer Trust and subsequently broadcast as a strand on VH1.
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