MMM S02E03B: Gangster

ALAN
You're listening to Alan Partridge on Mid-Morning Matters, that was T'Pau... which is Yorkshire for The Pau. It's Gangster Day...

[ALAN mimes shooting a sawn-off shotgun, then stomach bursting open] 

ALAN

"Arrgh, Jesus!"... On North Norfolk Digital, we're asking you today to tell me how hot you should have your bath, er, which ties in rather nicely with yesterday's competition in which we asked you what is the best way to dispose of a body. We've had some pretty good answers!

SIMON

We've had some pretty good answers, Alan. Concrete boot. Minced and fed to pigs. Dropped into the foundations of a new build.... Or minced and fed to dogs.

ALAN

Yeah, pigs are better.

SIMON

Of course, if you really want to lose a body, then just post it to yourself, Special Delivery!

ALAN

Er, yeah, they do their best. They do their best. Coming up soon, we'll be chatting to a former gang-member. Do you like gangs, Simon?

SIMON

Yes, I do, Alan. I like the old East End gangs from the '60s.

ALAN

Yeah, lovable rogues!

SIMON

Diamond geezers!

ALAN

I love diamond geezers.

SIMON
Yeah, me too. They break the law and you don't mind!

ALAN

Exactly! It's not like the benefit cheats, you know, the people saying, "Oh, I can't operate heavy machinery because I've got a nervous disposition", you know, liars! And they only attack their own, to be fair, or nonces or grasses. Give you a jolly good hiding and pop you in the boot of the Jag.

SIMON

Push it into the Thames...

ALAN

Precisely.

SIMON

...so they'd drown!

ALAN

Well, you would, wouldn't you? This is one diamond geezer who would never dream of pulling your fingernails off with a pair of pliers. It's Neil. 

SIMON

...Diamond.

ALAN

Yeah, they know.

[cut to black]

 

JINGLE

This is Midmorning Matters, where North Norfolk matters! 

ALAN
I'm joined by former gangster, hoodlum baddie and ne'er-do-well, Julius Scannel . Good to meet you.

JULIUS

Good to meet you.

[they shake hands] 

ALAN
Ah, right, was expecting something extra. Julius, you try to as it were, herd kids away from crime, like some sort of modern-day shepherd! Come by! [shepherd whistle]

JULIUS

Um, well, really, what it is, is it's just about giving kids something to do, you know. In the centre, we set up a lot of groups for them, so, you know, things like sports groups or dance groups.

ALAN
Dance is good, dance is cool.

JULIUS

Okay, well, you like to dance, yeah?

ALAN

Yeah, sure. Disco... rumba... zumba... conga... rock and roll. Yeah, just close my eyes, go with it.

SIMON

Like you did at the Christmas party?

ALAN
Like I did at the Christmas pardy.

JULIUS

Well, you know, it would be good to see you on a dance floor, you know, doing your ting!

ALAN

Yeah, well, I was in the zone, I was in the dance zone, the dance floor. It's not the same ting if you're at the bar or outside the toilets, where people just push past you with wet hands.

JULIUS

Maybe you should give us a bit of a demo, then.

ALAN

Yeah, well, my philosophy is pretty simple! Kick off your shoes, big gulp of juice, see what happens. And I've got to say, normally, if I can keep my discipline, I'm pretty pleased with the results.

SIMON

I mean, it's not dancing per se, I mean, it's more... sort of a collection of spasms.

ALAN
Simon's funny, I call him the dancing chicken.

SIMON

Yeah, well, it's not a chicken, is it? I'm doing the robot now.

ALAN
No, I mean, you don't have the guts to commit to real dancing.

SIMON
Right, so I'm a chicken.

ALAN

You're a dancing chicken.

SIMON
Whereas he stands with this very, sort of, stony expression.

ALAN
I have a bit of respect for my dancing... circle. Drumming. That's a good way to get rid of excess aggression. That's why Phil Collins got into it, because he's a real hothead, but then a lot of bald people are.

JULIUS

Well, that's not really our focus, you know. We're trying to move away from that aggression and, you know, let these kids use their brain.

ALAN

Again, Collins. Collins, all over. I have a bomber jacket from the No Jacket Required tour, '85, and the jacket actually has on it, No Jacket Required... written on a jacket! And a lot of people see that as hypocritical and get quite angry, but do you know what I think it is?

JULIUS

Irony.

ALAN

Brilliant, just brilliant.

JULIUS

Yeah, well, our kids, they use digital samples and drum machines.

ALAN

Okay, okay, woah! Cool, cool. I don't want to get into a whole debate about the whole drum machines versus kits. My philosophy on this is real simple, if it's got a good beat, it's got a good beat.

JULIUS

Exactly.

ALAN

Let's do slap hands.

[high five]

ALAN

And the one down here.

[low five, then JULIUS holds his hand in the middle]

ALAN

And that one! Outstanding. This is Toto.

[CUT TO: alone and off-air, ALAN mimes being mugged and then performing a rapid series of movements to overpower and disarm his imaginary assailant]

[CUT TO: back on-air]

JINGLE

Large question!

ALAN
How hot should you have your bath? Sandra on line three.

CALLER: SANDRA
I'll make my husband have a cold bath every night to stop him fiddling with himself in bed.

ALAN
Makes sense! Bobby, line five.

CALLER: BOBBY

Fifty?

ALAN

Fifty what?

CALLER: BOBBY

Bye, Alan.

ALAN [momentarily confused] 

Lucian on line six. [pause] Actually, I don't want to speak to someone called Lucian. Simon, texts.

SIMON

Yes, Marcus says it should be the same temperature they make the swimming pool when the disabled kids go in.

ALAN
Mmm, lovely! Coming up, more from Julius, a reformed character. Unlike Gary Glitter. Hmm! Do you want to be in my gang? No, thanks, Gary!

[fade up a record from the glam-nonce, cut to black]

JULIUS
Yeah, well, you know, the thing is that when it comes to crime, you know, I'll be honest with you, you know, people listen to me just purely on the basis that, you know, I've been there, I've done it, you know?

ALAN

You were scum?

JULIUS
Well, I just got in with a bad crowd, you know. There was a lot of stealing, a lot of violence, you know? Yeah, yeah, I admit, you know, I was a bit of a bad boy.

ALAN
Scum.

JULIUS

Well. Yeah.

ALAN
It's a horrible word. I mean, I don't use it, he does.

SIMON

Well, no, that was in the heat of the moment. Someone had peed in my car.

JULIUS
Well, you know, the point is, you know, I just think that I can use, you know, my experiences just to, you know, educate people, let people know what's going on.

ALAN

Yeah, I mean, I'm the same. I've had a few scrapes with the law, don't you worry about that. I've also had a few dinners with him, too, a friend of mine's a Chief Inspector. He drinks and drives, but then he can.

SIMON

Sorry, who's that?

ALAN

Brian, does the pub quiz.

SIMON
He's a copper, is he?

ALAN

Yeah, DCI Tolsmore. Two weeks ago they found him asleep in his car on the roundabout. [to JULIUS] Do you know him?

JULIUS

No, no, no, I don't know him, but, you know, I know quite a few people like him, you know. Some good cops, you know, some are dodgy.

ALAN
Yeah, he's not dodgy. I mean, he's a very good cop. I mean, he cuts corners.

SIMON
Then, drink drivers do.

ALAN
Then, drink drivers do!

JULIUS
Well, you know, it just goes to show that, you know, anyone can fall foul the law, you know? It can happen that easy.

ALAN

I know, it can happen that easily. I mean, when I was, back in the day when I was a kid at school, I put some money on a vending machine for a Kit-Kat. There was a malfunction, I got delivered three Kit-Kats, and these were the five-fingered kind, Julius! Now, you and I know when you've received excess confectionery, you contact the manufacturer or you call a cop. I didn't. I kept them. I wanted those fingers inside me, Julius. All five of them, three times.

SIMON

Like a chocolate fist.

ALAN

Yeah, I knew it was wrong, but I still did it.

SIMON

The chocolate fist.

ALAN

Yeah, I wanted them inside me, and it felt good, even though I knew it was wrong.

SIMON

From a chocolate fist.

ALAN

That's right. All right, news and travel coming up, but time for a quick text on how hot you should have your bath. Frank Bannister in Blickling says a bath should be hot enough to gradually poach an egg. Time for news.

[off-air]

ALAN

Talking of bath temps, [turning to SIMON] you want to make sure you don't end up in hot water yourself.

SIMON

What do you mean?

ALAN

The chocolate fist thing. Grow up, mate.

SIMON
Okay.

ALAN
Cool. Anyone seen my phone!

JULIUS
What kind is it?

ALAN
Mobile. It's just gone AWOL. Well, not AWOL, it's gone missing. Well, not missing, just, in fact, forget about it. These things always turn up, don't they, Simon?

SIMON

Yes, like the half a stone you lost last month!

ALAN

Yeah, we're not on air!

JULIUS

Want me to check over here?

ALAN

No, no, God, no, forget it. Scrap it, scrim it, that's not even a word. I mean, phone-schmone! It's insured.

SIMON
People get so hung up on phones.

ALAN [irritable]
Yeah, we're not on air! I could really murder a pop right now.

JULIUS
A what?

ALAN
I could really use a pop right about now. Yeah, do you want a pop on me, Julius? [pause] Do you want a fizzy drink, Julius?

JULIUS
No, no, thanks. I'm all right.

[CUT TO: off-air, ALAN is on the studio phone to a very cross-sounding DCI Tolsmore]

ALAN

Brian, Brian. Brian! I'm sorry. It was a joke. Okay, Brian, stand away from the fruit machine! I can't tell what you're saying. Cool it. Cool it! I'm sorry! Okay. Alright. Are you still alright for the quiz on Monday? No, I'll pick you up. No, I want to. Okay, ciao. [hangs up] That guy should not be a serving police officer!

[CUT TO: back on-air, with JULIUS]

JULIUS

I was in and out of prison for five years and I just didn't want to keep doing it again and again.
I thought, now I've got to change.

ALAN
I was the same with Kit Kats. Today it was Kit Kats, but tomorrow... 

SIMON

Yorkies.

ALAN

Yeah. No, I mean, fast forward ten years in the future, you know...

SIMON
A big Easter egg.

ALAN
No, just... You're banned from this conversation.

JULIUS
But you know, I'll tell you where it all ends, Alan, truthfully, it's guns, it's drugs, it's knives. People end up getting hurt.

ALAN

But knives are never going to go away, Julian. They're never going to go away. We had knives, we had knives you wouldn't believe, Julian. Julius. These were European military.

SIMON
Swiss Army knives.

ALAN

Yeah. I mean, these bad boys weren't just knives. They were tin openers, they were bottle openers, they were nail files.

SIMON

Tweezers.

ALAN

Tweezers. Screwdrivers, Phillips and flathead.

JULIUS
Yes, but you changed.

ALAN
I did.

JULIUS

...And I changed.

ALAN

I did change.

JULIUS
And that's exactly the message I'm trying to get across, you know, that we can actually break this cycle of crime.

ALAN
Good, and I applaud that with both hands.

JULIUS

Thank you, thank you. And, you know, that's why I continue to do talks with kids and, you know, young offenders because I know exactly how they feel.

ALAN

I'll come and give a talk.

JULIUS

Really?

ALAN

I'll tell you something else, I'll do it for free. Just give a small donation to the National Trust.

JULIUS

Okay, well... Alright, go on... so, you know, you've got twenty young offenders in front of you. What do you say to them?

ALAN
I take my jacket off.

SIMON
No jacket required.

ALAN
No, different from that. Very slowly, all eyes on me. Then I'd say, "Now listen up, bird brains, and listen good! If you're thinking of going out there to smack up crack or do some robbing, you'll have me to deal with. Right?"

JULIUS

That can work.

ALAN

"I can't hear you! What's that?!" And then you answer me again loudly, both together, in unison.

JULIUS
Right.

SIMON

Right!

ALAN [thumping the desk, finding his phone in doing so]
"Good!". Well, there you are, found it! There it is. Sorry.

JULIUS
What for?

[awkward pause]

ALAN 

Er, because I trumped.

[cut to black]

ALAN

What a nice man!

SIMON
Yeah.

ALAN
How refreshing.

SIMON

Yeah.

[JULIUS re-enters the studio]

ALAN

Just... Hello. I was just talking about how refreshing you are.

JULIUS

Serious, thank you. I just realised, I do actually have your phone. We must have the same phone.

ALAN
Right! God, not a problem! Yeah.

JULIUS
You must have probably stolen my one, eh, Alan?

ALAN

Well, yeah, it can happen that way around! It can, it can! Ha ha!

JULIUS
Well, you know, you need to be careful. I may be reformed and everything, but I've still got a right hook!

[ALAN and JULIUS jokingly squaring up]

ALAN 

Yeah, sure, you'll give me a bunch of fives!

SIMON [joining in the fun, getting between them]
Break it up! Break it up!

[ALAN shoves SIMON away firmly, causing him to fall backwards quite badly onto a chair arm]

ALAN 

Shut up! That's the one, that's the one. It's definitely the right one, is it?

JULIUS

Yeah.

ALAN

Yeah, check. Great! Really great, great, great, great craic! Excellent! Cheers, mate!

JULIUS [leaving again]
Take care, bye-bye.

SIMON [in pain]

Bye.

ALAN
Okay, absolutely goodbye! [to SIMON] Are you all right?

SIMON

Yeah, fine, I've just done my back in as I went back in the chair.

ALAN

Okay, but we're cool?

SIMON
Oh, yeah, yeah.

[SIMON and ALAN shake hands in the kind of elaborate manner expected earlier, a dap]