MMM S1E05: Alan's Sad Story

[ALAN is presenting alone, taking a call from someone with a very thick west Irish accent]

ALAN [trying, but clearly understanding none of what is being said]

Yes. Yep. Yep. Ye- I'm having a bit of trouble... getting the....

CALLER

[mostly unintelligible] It's... that kind of thing, no? It's passed on now...

ALAN [wrapping up the conversation]
It's passed... well it's fascinating stuff, Brendan!

CALLER

You, er... you're good... you're good with that?

ALAN

I'm great with that! Thanks a lot Brendan! Thanks very much there! [ALAN fades down the call] Fascinating stuff! I know, earlier in the week, I said I'd never had a chat with an Irish shepherd. Well, now I have! 

Okay, today's question, which is 'How often should you wash your towels?'. Sally from Norwich writes, "I put my towels on a boil wash once every ten days with a flap of Bounce". Sally, I do exactly the same thing, and if I'm going to chuck in a bit of underwear I might add a capful of Dettol, maybe two, depending on circumstances.

Retired headteacher Theresa Staples says, "I've cut the frequency of my towel washing by using a simple technique. After my bath, I take an old beach towel and drape it over my favourite armchair. Then I sit back with a box of wine and watch Cash in the Attic till I'm bone dry, by which time I'm normally sound asleep!". It sounds like bliss, Theresa, it really does!

Now if I was to say to you, [cod-east Asian accent] 'I rike your noodle!', you'd say, "I'm sorry, Alan?", and if I said, "I was simply saying I like your noodles", you'd say, "Oh now I understand! But I think you're being a little bit racist", you'd be absolutely right, but you'd be ignoring the fact that I just paid a very good compliment to Asian cuisine!

Each day this week, I'm going to be trying a different kind of ethnic cuisine to help promote tolerance and harmony amongst the various creeds and colours that have drifted into Norfolk over recent years. Today's the turn of the Japanese. 

Years ago, my granddad, John, used to sit me on his knee and he'd say, "Alan, I hate the Japanese and I hate Japanese food!", but if granddad John was alive today and I was able to feed him some of the sushi rolls lovingly prepared by my good friend, Ando at Miso Tasty, I think all the anger that he harboured at having been tortured within an inch of his life at a Japanese prisoner of war camp would instantly fade away, especially if he tried it with Ando's delightful wasabi sauce. 

So that's on its way shortly. The time is fifty-nine minutes to one! Erm, it's just gone midday. 

JINGLE

The weather, sponsored by Turner's Kitchen Solutions.

[CUT TO: off-air, ALAN is trying to buy movie tickets through an automated phone voice-recognition system]

ALAN

Norwich. One. Adult. Afternoon. Inception. No. Inception. No. Inception. No. Inception. No.
Inception. [annoyed] No. 

[CUT TO: back on-air]

It's North. It's Norfolk. It's digital. It's North Norfolk Digital. It's time for Sad Story, this is where I read a moving, real life story submitted by one of our listeners. Today's is from Lee Tibbs in Attleborough.

"My story begins late last spring. It was a fine morning so I decided to go out for a jog in my shorts. I headed to the local park and it was there, to my surprise, that I bumped into my old history teacher walking his dog. He remarked on how well I looked and I returned the compliment...". 

ALAN [silently reading on, sensing the direction of travel] 

No, I'm not reading this. No, no, absolutely not. Yeah, that's why he's wearing shorts, I should have seen that. It's alright, we have others. Today's Sad Story is from Deirdre Thomas from Dibbs Lane in Holt. 

"Dear Alan, I want to be as honest as I can with you so I hope you'll understand that I'd rather remain anonymous..."

ALAN [wincing, realising he's ruined the anonymity]

Absolutely.

"My story begins in the mid-80s when I met Gareth. The truth is, he kind of swept me off my feet. He was tall, dashing and had kind eyes like a cow...".

 

ALAN

Really? Yeah, I suppose they do. 

"Gareth knew I'd just come out of a serious relationship and wasn't ready to commit but he called me the day before he went on a group camping trip and said someone had dropped out and would I like to join them..."

[a MAN wearing a hi-vis vest and crash helmet enters the studio] 

ALAN

I'm just gonna jump off the Sad Story because my sushi has arrived, being brandished by someone I can only describe as some sort of Food Stig! In the meantime, here's the Vapours with I'm Turning Japanese!

[ALAN fades up the music and gestures to the MAN to put the bag on the desk, but he puts it instead on the rear banquette forcing ALAN to get it and, while his back is turned, the MAN slides down the music volume again putting them back on-air. Interestingly, this is the only time in the series where the red light has actually denoted the on/off-air status, mostly it just stays on. Bit bit bit bit sloppy, that]

ALAN [referring to where the bag was placed]

That's today's paper, that!

MAN
So, let's see, you ordered California rolls, katsu curry and I listen to Orbital Digital. 

ALAN

I listen to Orbital Digital? 

MAN [moving in closer]

What was that?

ALAN

I listen to Orbital Digital?

MAN [taking his helmet off to reveal he's a DJ from Orbital Digital]
Nice of you to recommend us! Alan Partridge, you have been punked by Orbital Digital. It's Craig Kielty, aka The Monster! [CRAIG makes a growling face to the webcam]

ALAN

Fuck off! You're not even on air, you dick! 

CRAIG KIELTY aka THE MONSTER

Oh yes we are! [points to the sound desk and the On Air light] Double punk! You have been owned! You've been owned!

ALAN

Alright! Fair cop, fair cop! 

CRAIG [sitting on the banquette]

Ha ha ha! You've been owned!

ALAN

Stop saying I've been owned, I'm not owned by you! If I'm owned by anyone, I'm owned by North Norfolk Digital, I'm certainly not owned by Orbital Digital. I wouldn't work for them if you paid me! 

CRAIG

You've been owned!

ALAN

Yeah, well, you know, at least I haven't got a brother in prison.

CRAIG [deflated]
What's that got to do with anything? 

ALAN

Just having a joke, you know. Not nice with the boots on the other foot is it, hm? Makes walking difficult, you know? The arch is on the wrong side. Doesn't work! 

CRAIG
You don't know anything about my brother. He fell in with the wrong crowd. 

ALAN

Well, he's in with the wrong crowd now, isn't he? Literally, he's in prison. 

CRAIG [getting up to leave]

Owning me, owning you!

ALAN

That doesn't even make sense!

CRAIG [mocking]
Aha! 

ALAN [as CRAIG leaves]

Yeah, I do own that! [to mic] I do, actually. I flew to Gothenburg to negotiate directly with Bjornie and Ben's lawyers for exclusive rights to shout, but not say, the word 'Aha' fifty times a year in perpetuity for the rest of my life, or till 2015 whichever comes sooner. Sorry about all that Orbital Digital - OD - wish they'd OD, on heroin! Here's Susan Boyle, Amazing Grace. 

[fade up the Susan, cut to Black]

ALAN

Now it's time to return to Alan's Sad Stories. 

"So things were going well between Gareth and I, but that was when our relationship took a twist that neither of us could have predicted...

[moving something off the desk, ALAN knocks his coffee over on the paper he was reading the Sad Story from]

ALAN

Shit! Shit, shit...

"Shit," she writes, "because Gareth died. But I married his twin brother, because he had a twin brother who was identical, he had eyes like a cow, too. So everything was back to normal again, until one day I discovered Gareth's brother in a compromising position with a... box of Quality Street. He'd eaten three or four in sudden succession and completely ruined his appetite for the chicken dinner I'd so lovingly prepared. I was totally crushed. It was then I realised that Gareth's brother had a choc problem, nothing would get in the way of his addiction".  

 "The lowest point came when I found him collapsed in a sugar-induced coma in the bogs of Yates's Wine Lodge in Yarmouth. We cried and cried that night. I reiterated my love for him, he reciprocated his love for me, and we shared a chocolatey kiss that will stay with me forever. But it was then that everything changed. Again. Because his weight had bloomed to twenty stone, or thereabouts, when he came towards me to hug me, he fell on me and shattered my spine in three places".

"The police didn't believe him, and he was carted off to prison for GBH, or attempted murder, I forget which. I still visit him once a week in prison and he tells me, Alan, that he tunes into your show and it offers him great solace, great comfort. Not that the show is aimed at the criminal fraternity in any way, the cons tend to listen to Orbital Digital as many of them have learning difficulties. 

"I should add the reason I was able to visit him was because of a pioneering operation which enabled me to walk again because they replaced my spine with a new one made of carbon fibre, which is actually the material they use in the engine blocks and chassis for Formula One cars. It's actually lighter than aluminium".

"Yours sincerely, Deirdre. P.S. Unfortunately, I can't remember what our favourite song was". 

ALAN

Ah! What a sad story. Okay, now, please do keep your calls, texts and faxes coming in on today's Big Question, which is, 'How often should you wash your towels?'. Ted in Wisbech has been in touch.

"I don't use towels, I use a hairdryer set on cool. It takes a bit longer but it feels lovely and I finish off with a little talc for my testes and bum!" 

That's, er... good! Okay!

[fade to black]