1997: Election Night Armistice

[fade up on ALAN, quietly waiting for his cue]

ARMANDO

Where is he? Alan? Alan, can you hear us? Alan, speak to us! Speak to us now!

ALAN

Well thanks Armando, I'm here at Norwich Town Hall. No results as yet, the tellers here are really quite slow. Really frustrating, every year same old thing, relentless! Four o'clock and they had no biros, can you believe that? No biros, unbelievable! Anyway, the election is all about fun, and I'm here with a couple of the more amusing candidates that have brought a smile to everyone's face, um, can we pull back? 

[camera pulls back to reveal ALAN standing in a busy stairwell, with MARTIN wearing a flamboyant waistcoat and decorated top hat, and PETER wearing a more sober outfit. Throughout the segment, people keep squeezing to get past this impromptu interview space] 

ALAN

Got them in? First of all, you are Senator Martin Marmite!

MARTIN

Hello Alan!

ALAN

Hello! That hat... business, there! Now, is that anything to do with the food Marmite?

MARTIN

Yeah. 

ALAN

It's, right, so- so it's basically just a promotion for Marmite?

MARTIN

Yeah!

ALAN

I hate that. Um, this is... your name is... I've forgotten your name.

PETER

Peter Gibbons 

ALAN

Peter Gibbons! And he is a member of, I remember this it's Mmm-Harp, what on Earth is all that about?

PETER

Well actually Alan it's M.H.A.A.P. and it stands for Mental Health Act Abolition Party.

ALAN

Haha! Hilarious! What- what- what do you get up to, what's all that about? 

PETER

Well, we're campaigning against the lack of proper funding for mental health care and we want to draw attention to the need of those who are out on the streets without proper medical... affairs.

ALAN

Affairs. Affairs. Can't even speak properly! Anyway, some of them are actually running for parliament, some of the mental people, I think! I take your point it's... it's a... it's a whole... it's a fun issue though, isn't it, the whole sort of Loony Lefty Brigade, is that, erm, presumably that's who you're trying to have a pop at?

PETER

No.

ALAN

You're not? Right. Okay, actually I shouldn't say... having said that, I've had a pop at the Loony Left, I've got to... it's got to be even handed, this, so I'll have to quickly have a pop at all the the other parliamentary candidates. Here goes, let's go through them quickly; the Liberals, they've got loonies in them with beards, ho ho! Fun. The Conservatives, too, have overstepped the mark on, uh, one, maybe two occasions at most... and The Referendum Party who, insults aside, they probably have got more integrity than the whole of the other political parties put together.

Anyway, um, [to PETER] what crazy - look at me - what crazy stunts have you done?

PETER

Well, I... I haven't really done any stunts. I've been trying to draw attention to local mental health issues.

ALAN

Well, with respect, um... you're not. I mean, he's got a silly hat on, my votes with him. By the way, I'm... my vote's not with him, I'm not endorsing Marmite, um, I don't have a problem with it either. I'm just... I'm on the fence on that one! Sorry, carry on.

PETER

We felt that by having...

ALAN [interrupting]

I'm on the Marmite fence!

PETER

...we just thought that having a parliamentary candidate would be a good way to publicise our cause.

ALAN

Yeah, but it cost you £500, you could have bought yourself an electric shock machine for that, or are they barbaric?

PETER

I mean, take schizophrenia...

ALAN

Woah, woah woah! With the greatest respect, this is a light-hearted item, we really don't- I mean at least Martin, I'm not going to say his second name, Martin Yeast Extract, at least he's had the decency to look the part, even though he hasn't done anything wacky at all, if you're going to do...

[MARTIN lifts his hat up and shakes it around]

ALAN

That, that is feeble. Really, um, if you're going to...

[MARTIN tries to put the hat on ALAN, he bats it away]

ALAN

I'll wipe your face! I will! Let's not beat about the bush! People haven't seen me on television for some time, and people are watching, wondering what's happened to me and, you know, at the end of the day you two go home, it's muggins here gets in the neck from the BBC. British Broadcasting Cretins, I call them. This is going badly, I know that I've lost the battle to provide a sideways look at some of the more colourful characters in the election. You know, you've both, both brought this down. You two are piss! Back to the studio. That's another thing I'm going to get in trouble for, saying piss. 

Broadcast as part of The Election Night Armistice, a special episode of the satirical news programme on the night when New Labour swept to victory after a decades-long Conservative government saw them mired in sleaze. The interviewees were played by comedy writers Kevin Cecil (Peter) and Andy Riley (Martin).