MMM S02E02B: Dave Clifton

 

[ALAN and SIMON are on-air, midway through a call]

ALAN

Let's clear the air! The real reason people have a go at Bernie Eccleston is because he has the first name of a dinner lady and he goes out with giant women!

CALLER

What about the fact that he cosies up to dictators and torturers? 

ALAN

He's not a torturer.

CALLER

No, he does business with torturers! 

ALAN

Precisely, but he's so small he could barely pick up a cattle prod! You know, he wears kids' clothing!
Watch out for him next time there's a wet Grand Prix. His wellies have got Spider-Man on them! 

CALLER

Yeah, but you can't explain his highly convoluted tax arrangements.

ALAN
No, which is why we have to...

JINGLE
[record scratch] Shut up and move on! [synth chord]

ALAN
Now, we're all familiar with charities, from the important ones like the National Trust to less important ones like Help the Aged. 

SIMON
Or Help for Heroes. 

ALAN

No, that's the top one! Yes, I donated a jacket to them only last week. I didn't have an arm, but then I thought, you know, perfect. But today we're going local and we mean to raise £3,000 for Addiction Action! Addiction could take many forms, from booze to drugs to, quite simply, having it off.

SIMON
Michael Douglas.

ALAN
Yes, that's indeed if it was sex addiction. It could quite simply have been the guy was very, very randy. That's three grand by 2pm and if we don't quite get there, I'll make up the difference myself.
What do we got? 

SIMON

We've got our first pledge! Gary in Aylsham says he's trying to sell his old-style Volkswagen Beetle called Gertie, and if he can get £400 for it, he'll donate it all to our appeal.

ALAN
That's very generous. Volkswagen Beetle drivers were always... 

SIMON [interjecting]

...Characters...

ALAN
...well-meaning fools. And here are U2, who seem to be describing my search for a new washer dryer. I still haven't found what I'm looking for! 

[fades up U2, off-air] 

ALAN

It's a top loader, in black. 

SIMON

Right. I didn't know you were into your charities. 

ALAN

I wasn't, but it's a great brand builder. Yeah, you do your bit for charity, you get what Richard Curtis calls "goodwill splashback". 

SIMON
Oh, like a good karma?

ALAN
Yeah, yeah. He explained it to me the other day, he said, "This is for you..." [mimes handing over an amount of money] "...And now this is for me!" [mimes pocketing a tidy sum with a smile]. Then he just laughed his head off.

SIMON

Ah.

[CUT TO: ALAN is eating a bowl of bananas and custard during a JINGLE]

JINGLE

NARRATOR: Malky's story.

MALKY: I sold my wee boy's toys.

ALAN: Malky flogged Lego for half a pee a piece, skag's his poison.
NARRATOR: Janie's story. 

JANIE: I live rough on the streets in Norwich.
ALAN: Janie used to be a teacher, now she's a bum with booze in her veins.
NARRATOR: Tristram's story. 

TRISTRAM: I started taking coke when I first became a hedge-fund manager. 

ALAN: Tristram missed out on his bonus last year, his dreams of a bigger house in tatters. 

MALKY: Thank you, Alan.

JANIE: Thank you, Alan. 

TRISTRAM: Thanks, Al! 

ALL:...for putting your hands across Norfolk! 

ALAN [finishing off the bowl, wiping his still slightly-full mouth]

Bananas and cream, can't beat it! Okay, you're listening to Mid Morning Matters. Today we're raising £3,000, or thirty hundred pounds, for Norwich-based charity Action Addiction. Sorry, Addiction Action.
Got some banana in my mouth!

SIMON 

Swallow it. 

ALAN [swallows]

Okay, Simon, what's the tot up?

SIMON

Well, we're looking good! We are already at... six hundred... and ten English pounds. 

ALAN

Put that in context for any listening addicts...

SIMON

Yep, that is roughly a hundred and fifty pints of lager, or eight grams of coke.

ALAN

In terms of heroin? 

SIMON

Just checking, I've asked one of the cleaners.

ALAN

The Scottish guy?

SIMON
Yeah.

ALAN
Yeah, good. And hey, what a great bunch of listeners. I mean, I think I stepped on a hornets' nest last year when I suggested Norwich was ready for a black town crier, but you cannot fault their generosity. Okay, online now we have an addict who wishes to remain anonymous, so we've disguised their voice. Hello, caller, what's your story? 

CALLER [voice pitched down to sound very deep]

Um, I'm addicted to gambling.

SIMON [whispering]

The sound guy said it'd be fine. 

CALLER

I'm up to my eyes in debt. My marriage is in bits. I've lost my job selling wool in the market. Sorry, I'm getting quite emotional. 

ALAN

It's all right, mate, take your time. So your wife had left you?

 

CALLER

My husband. I'm a woman.

ALAN

Of course! Sorry, yes, of course, men don't sell wool! Listen, love, I think we're gonna have to cut this short, the voice distorter's bending your gender. It's also making you sound like a villain from a faraway galaxy. Could you simply say, "Soon your planet will be mine"?

CALLER [sinister]

Soon your planet will be mine. 

ALAN

Yeah, yeah, I think we're gonna have to leave it there. Okay.

[CUT TO: ALAN, off-air, talking informally with a studio employee]

ALAN

Wait till he's right behind your shoulder, and then - you know, feign fear if it helps - and then if you feel the back of your arm, just the little knobbly bone there, if he's right up behind you, just NNG! into his ribs. NNG! Into his ribs. NNG! NNG! And then BANG, back of the hand, and bust his nose. I know when you were fooling around in the kitchen with Jez before, it was just a bit of some foolery, but I just thought when I saw you doing this and this, I just thought, we gotta talk. Anyway, that's it.

[CUT TO: back on-air, joined in the studio my an elderly man with a concertina]

ALAN

It's 12:30 and we're joined by Derek Bosworth, who's here to tell us all about handheld, bellows-driven, reed instruments. Sounds like a real wheeze! 

JINGLE

[light smattering of laughter]

ALAN

And before that, some pledges on the texts.

SIMON
We do have some pledges. Jed from Ipswich says he has a ten-year-old Mondeo 1.8. He wants five hundred quid and will give fifty to the appeal. 

ALAN

Okay, Phil in Glandford says, leave Porsche drivers with red faces with my tweaked VW Golf! Reluctant sale due to baby. He wants ten grand cash with sixty for charity. 

SIMON

And one here from Dennis in Feltwell. 2012 Lexus GS. First to see will buy. No time wasters.

ALAN
Right, and what's the donation? 

SIMON

I don't think he said. 

ALAN

Okay, time for the weather.

JINGLE
Weather update.

[CUT TO: off-air, ALAN's not happy with the fundraising amount]

ALAN
I said I'd take Angela to Centre Parcs and buy her a bigger telly. My pockets are not that deep.

SIMON

Yeah, I know. I know.

ALAN

I don't have that kind of money, you know, it's not... I'm out of my depth! How can they raise four grand for a donkey sanctuary? It's ridiculous. 

SIMON

People like donkeys.

ALAN [annoyed]

Why? We've got cars! 

SIMON

I'm not saying I...

ALAN

They don't work, they should put them down!

[in the adjoining studio, DAVE CLIFTON is setting up, he gives ALAN a wave through the window]

ALAN [waving back]

All right, Dave. [to SIMON] That's Dave Clifton. He's been through the mill. He was a massive boozer! You know the story about him?

SIMON
No?

ALAN
Well, I shouldn't say this because he's moved on, but when he was really completely at rock bottom, he actually ended up down at the docks, pleasuring a vagrant. 

[DAVE enters the studio to get something]

ALAN

Hello Dave, I was just talking about your chequered past. 

DAVE

Oh, did you tell him about the time I wanked off those tramps? [laughs]

ALAN

Yeah. [to SIMON] That was plural, wasn't it?

SIMON
Must have been a line of them.

ALAN
Like some sort of diabolical soup kitchen! 

[cut to black]

JINGLE

Alan Partridge's Hands Across the County. 

[on-air, talking with DAVE CLIFTON]

ALAN

Dave, what would you say was the lowest of the low? And before you do answer that, I should add that the pledge line is still open, so do call. 

JINGLE

[beggar voice] Please! 

DAVE

Well, the lowest lows often follow the highest highs. And as you know, Alan, I was the biggest DJ in Norfolk with the number one show on the station. 

ALAN

Well, it depends on the metric but...

DAVE

I was a star! I had a semi-detached home, a Vauxhall Tigre, and I deserved it! I took my eye off the ball. Yes, I had the number one show on the station.

ALAN

Yeah, again, depends on the metric. 

DAVE

But then I entered a spiral. 

ALAN

Right, now is this when you were stuck on a water slide with your jeans still on?

DAVE

No, no, a spiral of addiction. 

ALAN

Of course. 

DAVE

I'd drink anything. It affected my judgement. 

ALAN

Right, good. Okay, now, Dave, what was the worst thing you did? God help us. 

DAVE

Oh, you mean the tramps? 

ALAN

No, no, no, no, no! God no. One rung below that. 

DAVE

Oh, I remember once I broke into someone's back garden and had a fight with a snowman! You know, I had so much premium lager coursing through me, I thought he was from the council!

[SIMON laughs, followed by DAVE]

ALAN

It's good to see you laugh, Dave. 

DAVE

Oh, you've got to laugh, Alan. 

ALAN

Although tears sometimes help. Tears can help. Tears would help. 

DAVE

I've done all my crying, Alan. I like to think I'm a barrel of laughs because a barrel of tears is good for nothing. 

ALAN

Yeah, well, it's just a bucket of brine, isn't it? 

[cut to black]

ALAN

It's great that you're upbeat, Dave, but it could do with being a little bit sadder.

DAVE

My glass is always half full, Alan. 

SIMON

Wasn't that the problem? 

ALAN

You've got a son, haven't you?

DAVE

Oh, don't go there, Alan. You'll get me going. 

ALAN

I can imagine. Someone once told me that you'd swapped his Scalextric for some cocaine on Christmas Day. 

DAVE

Well, it was a packet of Daz, as it turned out. Yeah, I always joke, actually, about that, Alan, that I got cleaned out. I mean, you know, it is really sad. 

ALAN

You don't sound sad. You don't sound sad. Be sad! [to mic] You're listening to Alan Partridge...

DAVE [interrupting]

There is a reason I don't talk about my son. Well, you wouldn't talk about it, would you? If your son came up to you and said, "Dad, will you put me on your shoulders so I can pick the apples from the tree for apple pie and custard?" And I say, "No, son, because I'm pissed!". 

And then I say, "I've got an even better idea, son. Why don't we play this new game? It's called Invisible Dad, where someone who looks exactly like me lies on the sofa all afternoon watching Bargain Hunt, while the real me, Invisible Dad, will come out into the back garden in five minutes' time and we'll play together all afternoon, son, quietly!". 

But I'm on the sofa, half an hour later, and I can hear my little boy out in the garden talking to no one. And do you know what I did? I turned up the volume to drown him out with David Dickinson.

ALAN
Oh, god! 

DAVE

Fast forward two years and I'm sitting in a room with a circle of chairs and I'm saying, "My name's Tom Barrington and I'm an alcoholic...". 

SIMON

Sorry, who's Tom Barrington?

DAVE

Oh, that's my real name. 

ALAN

You changed your name to Dave Clifton? 

DAVE

Yeah, yeah. Fast forward again to a summer's day last year. I've got my son on my shoulders saying, "Daddy, daddy, I can reach the apples!". And all I could think was, "So can I, son. So can I!". And that's what I do, Alan, every day. I just try and reach the apples.

ALAN

Thank you, Dave. I used to think you were a right berk but I realise now that's only half the story. 

DAVE

Thank you.

ALAN

And I'll tell you something else, I hope you keep reaching those apples every day because, [to mic] and if you can't find it in your hearts to find 3K for a guy like Dave Clifton then I won't bother coming in tomorrow because... I'll be at an orchard, behind Dave Clifton, on a bicycle with a basket full of apples and then we'll go home and together we'll bake an apple pie and feed it to his son. And I'll tell you something else, Dave.

DAVE
What?

ALAN
I'm bringing the custard. 

[ALAN and DAVE hug]

ALAN [mid-hug]

The time is 12:45. 

DAVE

Hugs, not drugs. 

ALAN

Cuddles, not ruddles. [concertina note] Oh my God, I'm sorry! I'd completely forgotten about you! Sorry. 

[CUT TO: ALAN, SIMON and DAVE singing, clapping and dancing to Are 'Friends' Electric? accompanied by Derek Bosworth on the accordion]

 

ALAN

...And the paint is peeling off of my walls! 

DAVE and SIMON

La, la, la, la, la, la-la!

ALAN

There's a man outside!

DAVE

Could you be more specific? 

SIMON

La, la, la, la, la, la-la!

ALAN

Ha haa! In a long coat, grey hat, smoking a cigarette!

DAVE and SIMON

La, la, la, la, la, la-la!

[CUT TO: wrapping up]

ALAN

We are nearly out of time. Simon, tot me up!

JINGLE

Woooooaaah! Money!

SIMON
Well, the final... well, the grand total is £2,970. 

ALAN

So £30 short!

SIMON
Yep.

ALAN
I'll pay that! Absolutely! Love you, Norfolk! News! 

[ALAN fades up the news, off-air]

ALAN

Have you got 30p? 

SIMON

You've got it there.

ALAN

I need that for a Milky Way.

SIMON
I mean, I've got one in my lunchbox. You can have that.

ALAN
Let's have a look. 

SIMON

Right. Yep.

[SIMON gets the Milky Way, ALAN examines it]

ALAN

Alright.

[ALAN slides the 30p across the desk and pops the Milky Way atop the sound desk. Cut to black]