Comic Relief 2011: Nosebleeds and Nun

[ALAN and SIMON are in the Mid Morning Matters studio, both wearing Comic Relief red noses. However while SIMON's is the up-to-date 2011 'Honkus' iteration, Alan is wearing the 1993 'Tomato' nose]

ALAN
Hello! Look at this! Look at this! Look at this!

[SIMON tries to interject]

ALAN
Look at my red... Shut up! Look at my red nose! 

[ALAN laughs a little too enthusiastically]

ALAN

I'm joined once again by my partner-in-chuckles, my bebearded... 

[SIMON pulls on his beard while making a jocular straining noise]

ALAN

..sidekick, Sidekick Simon, for whom every day is Red Nose Day, because if...

SIMON
Because he is an alcoholic! 

ALAN

Because boozers do have red noses, don't they? Because alcohol dilates the capillaries, leads to burst blood vessels, which of course leads to swelling of the nose, causing... indignity as well as ill health.

SIMON

Charles Kennedy. 

ALAN [gestures to SIMON to move on]

Nononononono. Okay, we... I'm going to take this off now. I think we've made the point. 

[ALAN takes off his Comic Relief Red Nose]

ALAN

Okay, today we have been asking you all to tell us what you've been doing for Comic Relief. One from Paul, who says he's been sitting in a bath of baked beans.

SIMON

What's he doing that for? 

ALAN

Oh, I don't know. Oh, priceless! Sam from King's Lynn says he's also... A trough of baked beans, the same thing. Peter in King's Lynn says he's got into a bath of chocolate Ready Brek... with his golden retriever! [worried pause] Oh, God. Okay, give me the phone. 

[SIMON hands the telephone from his side of the desk over to ALAN] 

ALAN

Susan, email number five. Just send it straight through to the usual place, mark it for the attention of DCI Lambert. No, he's up to speed. Just tell him we've got another. It's DCI Lambert.

[ALAN puts the receiver down and passes the phone back to SIMON]

SIMON

Lambert and Butler.

ALAN

Okay.

SIMON

Sounds like a cop show.

ALAN

Let's take a call on line six. It's Mark Whooping.

CALLER

Hello, Alan.

ALAN

Hello. What have you got for us?

CALLER

I made a life-size man entirely out of compacted pieces of cheese, which I then auctioned for £150...

ALAN [laughs]

Fantastic!

CALLER

...All of which goes to Comic Relief...

ALAN

Great! 

CALLER

...Once I've covered my costs. 

ALAN

Right, what... and how much did the cheese cost you? 

CALLER

About a hundred- £130. 

ALAN

All right. So it's a profit of £20?

CALLER

Yeah, cash.

ALAN

Okay. It's not a King's ransom, but it's...

CALLER

It's all getting into the spirit of Comic Relief. I took two days off work to make it.

ALAN [looking over at SIMON writing down a few calculations]

Okay. Two days off work?

CALLER

Yeah.

ALAN

What's the minimum wage? Minimum wage is £6. That's, what, two days of £96?

CALLER

I actually earn twice the minimum wage.

ALAN

Okay, right, double it. £192. So, what, less your £20, that's a net loss of...

CALLER [dejected]

£172.

ALAN

Yeah.

CALLER

Oh dear. Those poor kids. Do they have to pay for that, or...?

ALAN

Well, no, they don't pay for it. You take the hit, mate, it's your- it's your... scam.

CALLER

I still make £20.

ALAN

You make £20, right. Yeah. Are you going to give that to Comic Relief?

CALLER

I've spent it.

ALAN

Okay. 

CALLER

I live alone. Goodbye.

ALAN

No worries. 

CALLER

I saw you once, Alan, in front of a garden centre. 

ALAN

Okay.

CALLER

Bye. 

ALAN 

Goodbye! [reading from an sheet of A4 paper] Brian in Diss has called to say he has organised a naked football match.

SIMON

Mixed, I hope! 

ALAN [miming a moustache twirl]

Haha yes, hmm. Hmm, twirling his moustache, where might this match be? 

SIMON [laughing]

You wanna go!

ALAN

No, it is mixed. It says here it's a mixture of men, women, er... [the jocularity falls from ALAN's tone] boys and girls. Doesn't say how much they've raised. Er... coming up next, we've got some music!

[ALAN passes the paper to SIMON]

ALAN

Take that through to Susan. DCI Lambert. This is The Christians. And when will there be a harvest for the world?

[ALAN pushes a slider up and Harvest For The World fades in as we fade out]

ALAN

You know what really piddles me off? 

SIMON

Go on. 

ALAN

Poverty.

SIMON

Oh, yes. Yes, yes, yes. I would like to grab it by the lapels and say, get out of town! You're not wanted round here! [mimes shoving poverty away]

ALAN

Absolutely! I'm starting to- I feel like grabbing it and saying, listen here, poverty! Just, you know, you get out of here! You're not wanted! This is private property, we are law-abiding citizens, it's people's gardens that this land backs onto, we don't want any trouble. Just... clear up your stuff, tidy up after yourselves, and clear off, you're not wanted! You know, go to South End, there's plenty of wasteground there you can pitch up... [ALAN realises he's strayed off the point] ...Poverty. 

SIMON

Yeah.

ALAN

It's time to get serious because Comic Relief isn't just about the fun things that we all love, like Chris Moyles doing a guest appearance on Two Packets of Crisps and a Pint of Lager. It's also about serious things, like Davina McCall holding the hand of an African boy whilst crouching down and saying a phone number. It's very, very solemn. With that in mind, Simon, if you could give us some facts about Africa.

JINGLE [urgent music, confident speaker]

Fact attack! 

[ALAN mimes the following three shotgun shots as they're heard on the jingle, complete with cocking the barrel and recoil]

[a final dramatic synth chord and we think the JINGLE is over, but after a pause ALAN cocks his imaginary shotgun again and shoots behind him in a way you only see in Hollywood movies, then Homeless by Paul Simon and Ladysmith Black Mambazo plays in the background. Now, it has finished]

SIMON

Fact... Fact number one. Every year in Africa, starvation kills X children. 

ALAN

What? You've not filled this in, I told you to fill in the blank. 

SIMON

I thought you'd filled it in. I thought the X was Roman numerals.

ALAN

What, you think every year in sub-Saharan Africa, ten children die of starvation? 

SIMON [considering]

Yeah, it's more than that isn't it?

ALAN

Do you think Richard Curtis would get out of bed for ten dead kids? 

SIMON

Er, fact number two, AIDS... 

ALAN

We're going to have to do the comedy. Let's just... Go and find where our celebrity guest is, our special celebrity guest. Go on. See if he's here. He should be here by now. 

[SIMON leaves the studio]

ALAN

Time now for a very special comedy guest. [ALAN puts his red nose back on] Oh, God, these... it really pinches! I only wore these back in 2001. Ow! It's none other than Abu Hamza, the boss-eyed Muslim cleric with a hook for a hand!

[a hand puppet of ABU HAMZA trots in to shot, with SIMON operating him from beneath the desk]

ALAN

Hello, Abu. 

ABU 

Hello, Alan.

ALAN

Now, what have you been doing for Comic Relief? 

ABU

Er, I sat in a bath of beans! 

ALAN

Right, well, that's... Come on, mate, everyone's been doing that. You've got to be more original.

ABU

...with a golden retriever!

ALAN

No, don't do that. Just improv, mate. You all right?

SIMON

Yeah... my back. 

ALAN

Okay, fine. What are you doing these days, Abu?

ABU

I've been in Belmarsh prison, awaiting extradition proceedings to the US! 

ALAN

That's not funny, mate. This is Comic Relief, for Christ's sakes.

ABU

I'm sorry. 

ALAN [addressing the puppet rather than SIMON]

Not you, it's him. It's not your fault, you've got enough on your plate. 

ABU

Beans! Ha hahaa!

ALAN

You see, now, he's funny!

[ALAN adjusts his red nose again in frustration, he takes it off and a stream of blood falls from his nose]

ALAN

Oh, my nose. Oh, God! Oh, Jesus, there must have been a... Oh, shit! There must have been a reservoir building up in there. Oh, Jesus.

[ALAN hurriedly holds tissue up to his bleeding nose]

ALAN

Ladies and gentlemen, Abu Hamza, the boss-eyed Muslim cleric with a hook for a hand. 

ABU [moving out of shot]

Death to the West! 

[fade out]

[fade in; SIMON is sitting on the studio-rear banquette while a NUN sits next to Alan]

ALAN

That was Hungry... Like the Wolf! [ALAN howls like a wolf] A song entirely appropriate for our next guest, she's worked with some of the neediest people in Africa! That's not a criticism, all the way from Kenya, Sister Catherine! Now, I'm a big fan- I'm a big fan of nuns. 

SISTER CATHERINE

Very glad to hear that, Alan. Very pleased to hear that. 

ALAN

Well, no, because I think Irish nuns specifically sometimes get a bad press. Unfairly. I'm specifically referring to hitting pregnant women with sticks in the '50s. I don't mean... Sorry, I don't mean women in the '50s, of course, no-one would accuse you of that. That's barbaric. I'm talking about hitting pregnant teenage women in the decade of the '50s. And even then, only if they've misbehaved. Because sticks, then, were very much for hitting people with.

SIMON

I mean, back in the '50s, everyone had a stick. 

ALAN

Precisely. 

SISTER CATHERINE

Well, I'm here to talk about our relief work in Nairobi, where the levels of sanitation are next to non-existent and people have to live with all...

ALAN [interjecting]

Okay, okay, no, we'll let you go on about that in a minute. But you are here because we want to give you a cheque for £200, which may not sound like a lot, but it's more than the average African, I think, earns in...

SIMON

...a month?

ALAN

...at the BBC Canteen. Big question! Sting, Bono, Geldof; help or hindrance?

SISTER CATHERINE

Well, I think anyone who draws attention to the fact that there are thousands, millions of people living in one of the major cities in the... 

ALAN [struggling with his tight red nose again]

It's these things, but... [nervous laugh] It really sort of pinches my nose. Before you got here, I had a nosebleed, all that... 

[ALAN sneezes, blasting a spray of blood across SISTER CATHERINE's clothes]

ALAN

Shit! Sister, I am so sorry! Oh, my God, I am so... Please forgive me! This is the second worst thing that's ever happened to me! I have never, in thirty years of broadcasting, ever sneezed blood on the blouse-slash-cardi of a lady of the cloth. And God forgive me for saying this, you've got flecks on your wimple. 

SISTER CATHERINE [handing ALAN a tissue]

Are you okay?

ALAN

I'm sorry! [to the webcam] You've got what you wanted, eh? Blood on the carpet! Blood on a nun, which is better, in a way. Goodbye. This is... This is Clannad with Rum De Rum 'Rud a Derimo. [to SISTER CATHERINE] I hate Comic Relief!

[we fade out as Newgrange by Clannad fades in]