MMM S01E03: Simply the Best of North Norfolk

 [ALAN is alone in the studio]

ALAN
I like her face. She has a very round, cherubic face, rather like a Victorian doll that's somehow been reanimated. But, no, say what you like about Billie Piper, but she is the most popular prostitute on ITV.

JINGLE [male voice]

North Norfolk Digital. North Norfolk's best music mix.

ALAN
You're listening to A.P. on Treble-M, ie. Alan Partridge on Midmorning Matters. This morning, in...

JINGLE [mock-Tina Turner on a local radio budget]

Simply the best! Of Norfolk!

ALAN
...we're asking you to tell us who is simply the best person Norfolk has ever produced. Remember, this is your choice, I will be keeping order remaining above the fray as Lord Chief Justice Partridge. 

[ALAN mugs to the webcam, with a mock-smug judge face]

ALAN

You guys will be the ones picking the winner, like Andrew Lloyd Webber on his throne, looking down at a group of girls saying, "See her? I want her there. Get me her now". And for those of you who are interested...

JINGLE [ALAN's voice]

Simply the Best of Norfolk is an original concept devised and executed by Alan Partridge and North Norfolk Digital. It has no affiliation with, similarity to, or obligation towards, BBC One's 2002 programme, One Hundred Greatest Britons. Thank you.

ALAN
Thank you, Alan! 

[INTERLUDE: Alan not on air, reading a magazine, shot from the adjoining room through the window]

ALAN

We're asking you to tell us who is simply the best person Norfolk has ever produced. I think... you would imagine that Horatio Nelson and Oliver Cromwell are going to be somewhere on that list, a better example would be Jeremiah Coleman, founder of the Coleman's Mustard Empire. Not only was he responsible for the world's hottest yellow paste, but he also helped create the phrase, "Ooh, that's mustard!", which means, "Ooh, that's very good". It's still favoured, although it's an olden-day phrase, still favoured by men over-seventy who wear blazers.

Whereas young people today may well say things like, "Radical!", "Awesome!", "Mega!", if a young person were to see Wayne Rooney driving along with his wife, or, you know, a sexy hooker, in a bling-bling car, they may well say, "Ooh, look, Rayne Wooney, top one!". 

Whereas in Edwardian times, a young Cockney, if he were to see the Duke of Norfolk driving along in a horseless carriage, or a French Panhard, with his wife, the Duchess of Norfolk, who was perhaps wearing a dress revealing a little bit too much ankle, may well have shouted out, "Oi, did you see her ankle? I did, I seen all of it! Mustard!". 

[ALAN punctuates his 'Mustard!' by flexing his right arm with his left hand rested just above the inside-elbow, aka 'a bras d'honneur']

ALAN

...Like that.

[INTERLUDE: ALAN brushing his teeth and reading a magazine while a song plays, a male studio assistant stands by, holding a bowl for spitting into]

ALAN

You're listening to North Norfolk Digital, music and chat for the Norfolk gen- for the North Norfolk generation! It's time is twelve, zero, zero... midday. This is Chat-down, street-style, for the over forties! You'll recall that, at the top of the show, someone phoned in to say that you can avoid type 2 diabetes by injecting yourself with Ribena! That can't be right, but no one has yet called in to debunk that. If you want to, please do do so! Now as we reach the halfway mark of...

JINGLE

Simply the best! Of Norfolk!

ALAN
Sailing into the lead is Admiral Horatio Nelson, very good to see that indeed! And bringing up the rear with just eleven votes so far, is Delia Smith. She won't be happy with that, she's got a temper on her! I once saw her take it out on a piece of beef, she made mincemeat of it! [laughs] She told me that one herself, although I don't think she was joking! Just time for one more call. Line five?

CALLER: JUDITH [slightly nervous female]
Hello.

ALAN
Where are you calling from?

CALLER: JUDITH
Oh, er,  Holt.

ALAN
Excellent. Are you over forty?

CALLER: JUDITH[taken aback]

Erm... Well, just!

ALAN
I'll take that as a yes! It's rude to ask, but now and again we do like to check the demographic. Are you over forty? You can just tell me seriously if you are...

CALLER: JUDITH[flustered]

Well, um...

ALAN [impatiently]
Are you over forty?

CALLER: JUDITH
Yes. Thank you. I'm just- just over forty!

ALAN
Good! Well, there's nothing wrong with that, I'm well over forty but I've still got all my, um, faculties, if that's not too strong a word! 

[JUDITH laughs nervously]

ALAN

Come on! Anyway, um, are you calling from Holt?

CALLER: JUDITH
Um, yes, I'm calling from Holt.

ALAN
Lovely part of the world! I spent many a happy hour there in my youth! Uh, yeah, marvellous, marvellous part of the world. I mean I didn't live there, but I would occasionally go there because I knew a girl. But then I stopped seeing her, so I stopped going there. But, what was the point you wanted to make?

CALLER: JUDITH
Well, I... I just wanted to say that, um, I don't think people should be voting for Oliver Cromwell...

ALAN

Why? 

CALLER: JUDITH

...Because he slaughtered thousands of Irish peasants.

ALAN
Well, we've all got our black spots on our... on our... on our curriculum vitae. We'd rather not...

CALLER: JUDITH
Um, well, I don't think I have got any black spots.

ALAN [interrupting]
Come on, Jill! You're from Holt! You're from Holt, Jill!

CALLER: JUDITH[talking under ALAN]

I'm called Judith. 

ALAN

Yeah, take a- take a chill pill, Jill. 

CALLER: JUDITH

I'm called Judith.

ALAN

What?

CALLER: JUDITH
Judith. My name's Judith.

ALAN
Yeah, right. Sorry, Ju- um, Judith. Well, you are the Rudith, Judith! Uh, the other thing to- sorry, what, uh, what... just now- tell me your favourite Norfolk person.

CALLER: JUDITH
Social reformer Elizabeth Frye.

ALAN
Thank you. [ALAN disconnects the call] She's gone now. 

[CUT TO: off air during a record, In A Big Country by Big Country, ALAN reads a magazine with a mug of tea]

ALAN [drinks]

This- this tea tastes of chicken! 

[ALAN tosses his magazine down, takes off his headphones and goes to the studio door]

ALAN

Kevin! This tea tastes of chicken! [returns to his seat, KEVIN enters but remains out of shot] This tea tastes of chicken... got a taste of chicken...

KEVIN
It's just a normal tea bag. 

ALAN

Well... hang on... No, I've... no, I've just eaten some chicken. There's the bones. 

KEVIN [taking the plate of bones]

I'll take that then. 

[CUT TO: back on air]

ALAN

We've had a text from Pete in Blackheath, he suggests that Norfolk's best person ever is Egyptologist Howard Carter. Without Carter's discovery of Tutankhamun's tomb, archaeology, which is now what it's known as, would simply be known as digging... or digging for things. And of course, without Howard Carter, there wouldn't be programmes such as the Time Team, which is a horrific thought! And these days, they can use computers to re-animate a dead Saxon and tell you exactly what he had for pudding before he was murdered with a blunt instrument in the year... five. 

I met Tony Robinson at Ten Years of Time Team. Lovely feller, I said, I joked to him, I said, "Tony, if you live by the bog axe, you die by the bog axe!", he chuckled a little to himself, before he said, "I best go and mingle". And he just wandered off. Lovely fellow, although I don't like his politics. The Time, team, is two... two... two, two! I'm not- I'm serious, I'm not joking, It's actually two, two, two! It is two, two, two, two. Well, that's enough T's. I'm going to do the rest of the programme without any T's!

Um... no, that's too complicated. But we'll revisit that next week, good idea. Um, uh, see how, see how we get, get along with- see far we get with that! I've got to interview, uh, Charlene Spiteri, so I could just call her Charlene from Texas. Oh, there's another T. Uh, Charlene from Exas. That'll be, uh, might not do that. Now, before I tie a belt around your upper arm, slap your vein and inject you with a pure dose of Genesis, I have to say I am being harangued into throwing my own hat into the ring for Norfolk's greatest person. So, in I go!

This is unbelievable! How Delia Smith can be within one vote of Horatio Nelson, it really is beyond me! If you want to vote for a food-related hero, may I suggest Turkey Baron Bernard Matthews. Bernard slays, I know this because he's a friend of mine, close to seven million turkeys a year, which he's been doing for the best part of thirty years, he has slaughtered close to a quarter of a billion birds for your eating pleasure. Not personally of course, the process is highly mechanized. No, Bernard's not actually wrung the neck of a turkey for a couple of years, and even then it was for a charity event. 

It's great to be around him, depending on your point of view, he's either responsible for the biggest ornithological genocide of recent times, or he is the greatest farmyard-to-table strategist of the last one hundred years. And, I know this for a fact because he is my confidant, he's tantalizingly close to producing the ten pence turkey! What a thought!

He's actually showed me around his factory recently. He, he, I mean, very, very liberal of him, he said, "You can go anywhere you like, Alan", apart from one room, he just stood in front of my path and said, "Don't go in there". I said, "I thought you said I could go anywhere!". He said, "Just drop it" and all the love went from his eyes, chilling. Anyway, I'd like to suggest Bernard Matthews as Norfolk's greatest person... along with my own hat, which is still in the ring along with all the other candidate's... hats. 

JINGLE [whistling, ALAN's voice]

Middle of the day? You bet! Middle aged? Maybe! Middle of the road? No way!

[CUT TO: ALAN dealing with a caller]

ALAN

Tina, how can you put Horatio Nelson beneath Delia Smith? Now there's a thought!

TINA
I think she is great.

ALAN
Don't get me wrong, Deels is a cracking cook, and a very attractive older woman, but Nelson masterminded the defeat of the entire French and Spanish Navies, uh, before being shot in the neck and subsequently kissed.

TINA
Well, okay, but could he cook a good spag bol?

ALAN
You know... you're being humorous, which is fine.

TINA
No, I'm being serious.

ALAN
Well, you... people only abbreviate when they're being jocular, you said 'spag bol'. Say the full words. If you're going to take this seriously, say them... say it.

TINA

Erm... spaghetti Bolognese.

ALAN
Thank you. Let's wrap this up, I think it's run its course. Um, we'll look at the results for Norfolk's greatest person... My hat's in the ring... actually, I'm going to take my hat out. There it is. It's a tie, a dead tie, between Oliver Cromwell and Horatio Nelson, exactly as I predicted, why do I bother? That's rhetorical, by the way, please don't text in. I know why I bother. Um, but, uh, I'm not prepared to go into that now, because right now it's time for Surname Mastermind! 

[ALAN pushes a JINGLE button; three dramatic synth chords followed by a tense, quiz-show sound bed]

ALAN

Hello, Chris on line one! Are you there? 

CALLER: CHRIS

I'm there. Yes, I'm here.

ALAN
Chris, are you ready to play Surname Mastermind? 

CALLER: CHRIS

Yeah. Yeah.

ALAN
Okay, here we go! Cheryl, Ashley. 

CALLER: CHRIS

Cole

ALAN

Correct. Simon, Yasmin. 

CALLER: CHRIS

Le Bon.

ALAN

Correct. Michael, Shakira.

CALLER: CHRIS

Caine.

[fade to black]

ALAN
Correct. Rod, Alana. 

CALLER: CHRIS

Hull?

ALAN

No, Stuart. Dave and Samantha.

CALLER: CHRIS
Cameron.

ALAN [chuckling]
Yeah, that's right.

• thanks to u/RiggzBoson for identifying the bras d'honneur