Comic Relief 2017: Alan Partridge's Red Nose Stonkers

[montage of various examples of Alan laughing]

ALAN [voiceover] 

Hello, I'm Alan Partridge, and I love to laugh. That's why I've been happy to get involved with Comic Relief down the years!

From this occasion, when a hotly-tipped young boxer thought he could have a bit of a dig at me. So I waited till he looked the other way, and had a twat! Bang!

To this occasion, when I did what I can only describe as a red sneeze.

ALAN [in clip]

"I am so sorry! You've got flecks on your wimple".

ALAN [voiceover]
But this year, the team at Comic Relief HQ called me with an even bigger proposal. They said, "Alan, we've got a great idea! You, in a hot air balloon, shaped like a red nose, floating from London to Cornwall with Russell Howard and George Galloway". 

I said, "I've got a better idea! I'll do a package of clips with a voiceover!". So join me as we enjoy some classic fundraising moments in... 

Alan Partridge's Red Nose Day Stonkers. 

Ah now, Red Nose Day 2015, a vintage year! And this chap, a man, is having his legs waxed, a procedure traditionally associated with a woman! Come on, that's funny! Surely! I've only waxed myself completely smooth once on a school trip to Anglesey because some boys told me to. 

Alan Partridge's Red Nose Day Stonkers.

Hang on. Giants playing guitars? Don't worry, these are miniature guitars known as ukuleles, the people playing are normal sized. Or slightly shorter, actually, this being the north of England, where their diets tend to contain slightly less protein due to lower wages. If you're struggling to make out the comic angle, there's a red wig there, and a woman dressed as a car park attendant... there. Really funny!

Alan Partridge's Red Nose Day Stonkers. 

What the heck is going on? Well, this is called gunging, and who doesn't love a bit of gunge? Noel Edmonds has made a career from it, although he keeps the recipe close to his chest... along with some of his tax arrangements.

Alan Partridge's Red Nose Day Stonkers. 

Ah now, this is wonderful! Beans in a bath, a real Comic Relief staple! Word of warning to anyone considering the beans thing; you will come out in a rash if you stay in beans too long. Never, ever fall asleep in beans! It will stain your skin to look like what a very funny friend of mine once described as a 'slag's tan'. 

The question now, of course, what to do with the beans? I believe these ones were re-canned and donated to a food bank. I know people will grumble about hygiene because the beans have had a bath with a man, but I'm sure if it was a young woman some people would pay extra. Lady-flavoured beans!

Alan Partridge's Red Nose Day Stonkers. 

Chris Christopherson here - no relation - for Comic Relief. And he's off! Up! Up! Up! Up! Up! Keep it up! Of course the inflatable sack within the ball used to be made from a pig's bladder. These days pigs' bladders have been replaced with rubber inner tubes which begs the question, what do they do with all the bladders? It's not like people eat them, not even the Chinese and they love innards! I should send a few to Eamon Holmes actually. Fry them up, splodge of ketchup... He wouldn't say no. I miss him.

Knee, knee, knee, knee. Knee, knee. Right foot, right foot. [CHRIS looses control of the ball] Don't- shit, you put him off! Oh, that was brilliant, classic keepy-uppy! 

And with that, it's back to the comedian! Bye!