Comic Relief 1999: Bryan Ferry & Kate Bush
[ALAN is in the Radio Norwich studio]
[ALAN changes the background music to The Final Countdown by Europe]
That's right, those people who say the pictures are better on radio are no longer mad, because you are about to see local radio. Yes, with one exception. I'll just turn that down. Basically, each time my Norwich listeners get a pop track, you, the national viewers, will instead see a classic comedy clip or something serious from Comet Relief. It's actually very simple.
Um, so let's put our national slash regional combined technology to the test as the people of Norwich tuck into a double helping of Tin Machine! Apart from viewers nationally who'll get a bit from Goodness Gracious Me.
Um, so let's put our national slash regional combined technology to the test as the people of Norwich tuck into a double helping of Tin Machine! Apart from viewers nationally who'll get a bit from Goodness Gracious Me.
[the background music changes again to an elongated, jarring chord while ALAN stares into the camera, lost]
ALAN
Sometimes it's a bit....
[Fundraising insert, it's basically the Comic Relief logo and a phone number]
ALAN [pressing a button for a fanfare]
I am Alan...
JINGLE
Sport, travel, farming and weather. Radio Norwich.
ALAN
...I'm Alan Partridge. You're listening, stroke watching, to Radio Norwich, stroke BBC2! It's Comic Relief night, pledge your money, all of it! Only joking, just some of it, to this number. Comic Relief number 0345-460-460, that's the number. Don't ring into Radio Norwich, they're not participating on the charity side, that's their decision. Okay, we've got loads going on! Over there in the corner is Charity Charlie.
JINGLE
Sport, travel, farming and weather. Radio Norwich.
ALAN
...I'm Alan Partridge. You're listening, stroke watching, to Radio Norwich, stroke BBC2! It's Comic Relief night, pledge your money, all of it! Only joking, just some of it, to this number. Comic Relief number 0345-460-460, that's the number. Don't ring into Radio Norwich, they're not participating on the charity side, that's their decision. Okay, we've got loads going on! Over there in the corner is Charity Charlie.
[camera pans to show Michael dressed in shabby clown gear, oversized white gloves and shaking a red bucket]
MICHAEL
[wolf whistles] Howay, I'm Michael the Geordie! Come on, get your hands in your pockets!
ALAN
But it's time for Alan's Fact of the Day, here we go! There are no plans to reopen the revolving restaurant at the top of London's Post Office Tower. Once again, no plans to reopen the revolving restaurant atop the Post Office Tower. Shame. Um, and... oh, and let's have another one. Um, there we go. Elton John's real name is Harry Webb!
Uh, now I'm getting a lot of people calling in saying, "Alan, can you explain, again, the format of the show?". Well, basically, when I'm looking at the camera, I'll be broadcasting nationally and locally, when I turn away to fiddle with records or whatever, listeners to Radio Norwich will get the record, viewers to BBC2 will get a Comic Relief insert. It'll be different.
Uh, now I'm getting a lot of people calling in saying, "Alan, can you explain, again, the format of the show?". Well, basically, when I'm looking at the camera, I'll be broadcasting nationally and locally, when I turn away to fiddle with records or whatever, listeners to Radio Norwich will get the record, viewers to BBC2 will get a Comic Relief insert. It'll be different.
So to help, remember these two phrases. "Looking at the camera; chat-cam-same", "Looking away; sketch-disc-diff". There's actually another very simple way to understand it, and that's to have had the decency to listen to what I was saying earlier. Right? [annoyed, ALAN attempts tp tap the sound desk with his pen but loses grip, letting it clatter onto the floor].
Uh, uh, oh... and now it's time, if you'll forgive the expression, to run around naked throwing milk bottles at cars as we go 'Deeply Dippy'! ...And some information on the telly... [ALAN leans forward to fade up Deeply Dippy by Right Said Fred] ...vision.
[Fundraising insert]
It's Comic Relief night! The number to ring is 0345-460-460. We've got loads going on here! Later on, I'll be springing a big Kate Bush surprise on you, so listen, slash, watch for that! And in the meantime, Carl Douglas, remember him? The man who sang Kung Fu Fighting has rung up with his own recipe called Kung Stew Cooking. He's not thought it through, really, but that's Comic Relief! And on a night like this, there is at least a thirty percent failure-rate on most ideas, and that's accepted.
And just a quick retraction. I earlier claimed that Elton John's real name was Harry Webb, we've just had two calls from Cliff Richards' management who've asked me to point out that Harry Webb is his real name, and not Elton John's. So just to reiterate, Cliff Richards is Gary Webb, and not John.
Tell you what, I've had an idea for a phone-in! Top of me head, if you have the same name as a famous person or actor, author or spurts porsonality, then give us a call! I'd love to hear from you, can we do that? Hm?
[looks off camera for the answer]
No, we can't. Why not? We're not geared up for it. Okay, no matter. Phone your mother. Tell him... no matter. We've got a... [floundering] we've got a character called Charity Charlie over there in the corner, there. Charity Charlie! Hello, Charlie.
MICHAEL
Hello back!
ALAN
You're gonna have to do better than that, Michael... Charlie. What gives, Charlie?
MICHAEL [holding up his collection bucket]
I do.
ALAN [weak laughter]
Thank you, Charity Charlie! Here's Blackadder and Yazz.
ALAN [weak laughter]
Thank you, Charity Charlie! Here's Blackadder and Yazz.
[fundraising insert with The Only Way Is Up]
ALAN
Bladdackers, Rowan Atkinson, the rubber-famous man! Bean! In a sketch which tries to find the funny side of the First World War. On occasions, I think, it oversteps the mark, because it's all very well laughing at some chap who trips over his musket and gets a bit of lead shot in his ar... aar- aar- arse? [ALAN shrugs at the camera] But it's not so funny suffering from the appalling effects of mustard gas. I'm sorry about that, I appear to have soured the atmosphere. A bit like mustard gas.
[ALAN sniffs and makes a mock-dead face]
See how easy it is to cross the line? So what better way to pay tribute to those who laid down their lives in the First World War than with Imagination? [ALAN fades up Just And Illusion by Imagination while the camera stays on him] Don't know what the clip is.
[fundraising insert]
ALAN
Sorry about all the glitches up till now! Anyone who knows me professionally will know that under pressure, my work does suffer. Still, a national snot- Snot? Snot. Slot. Hello?! What am I saying? Put your teeth back in, Alan! All right, there you go, they fell out! Not really, they're not false. I mean, I just said it. We... this... wet... [nervously ALAN knocks on the desk] Wet is wet? What's wet? Michael, what's wet? Cheeky Charlie, not Charity Michael, what's the... do that thing.
MICHAEL
What thing's that, like?
ALAN
You know...
MICHAEL
All right, aye aye... [rattles his bucket]
ALAN
You know...
MICHAEL
All right, aye aye... [rattles his bucket]
ALAN
That's the one!
[the attention back on him, ALAN pauses awkwardly lost for something to say]
MICHAEL [whispering]
You alright, Mr Partridge?
ALAN [sotto voce]
I'm alright. [long, painful pause] Alan's Fact of the Day! Sheryl Crow used to be a lab technician! The next clip is visual and the music's T'Pau!
[fundraising insert with China In Your Hands]
ALAN
Welcome back. All sorts of now, sorry about that earlier. If you're a regular Radio Norwich listener, I'm afraid there's no time to play our phoning competition we normally have this time, Win Your Will. It's actually quite good. I'm explaining this to BBC2, basically, people phone in and ask the ten medical questions and the winner gets a cash sum equivalent to ten percent of the amount they've already bequestered in their will, it's a lot of fun for my elder listeners. Anyway, we've got a celeb... rity in the studio because we're about to take a ferry to an island called Bryan. That's because it's Bryan Ferry. There he is. Bryan, welcome to Norwich and Comic Relief.
Welcome back. All sorts of now, sorry about that earlier. If you're a regular Radio Norwich listener, I'm afraid there's no time to play our phoning competition we normally have this time, Win Your Will. It's actually quite good. I'm explaining this to BBC2, basically, people phone in and ask the ten medical questions and the winner gets a cash sum equivalent to ten percent of the amount they've already bequestered in their will, it's a lot of fun for my elder listeners. Anyway, we've got a celeb... rity in the studio because we're about to take a ferry to an island called Bryan. That's because it's Bryan Ferry. There he is. Bryan, welcome to Norwich and Comic Relief.
BRYAN
Aha.
ALAN
Yeah, I don't do that anymore. Now, I suppose someone like you puts paid to the rumour that you can't be cool and be called Bryan. In fact, I'd say that, as far as famous Bryans go, you're up there with Connolly, Adams and Keenan. And Brian May. But we're delighted to have you now.
BRYAN
Thanks very much, it's very nice to be here.
BRYAN
Thanks very much, it's very nice to be here.
ALAN
Now, we all know your contribution to pop icono... [clicks fingers looking for the word] ...class and neatness, neatness in pop, which I know is something you feel very strongly about. But what people, not many people do know is, and I will be eternally grateful, because Bryan here was the very first person to alert me to TESSAs and PEPs.
[BRYAN, listening, shakes his head doubtfully]
ALAN
Do you remember that? It was a queue for a domestic flight.
BRYAN
Oh, yeah.
ALAN
It's fine if you don't remember, Bryan, but don't lie. It's Comic Relief, and you're a big boy now! But actually, you're not actually here on a charitable basis, are you? But like a true Roxy sport, you've agreed at short notice to come in and be here. Can you tell us why you're in the area?
BRYAN
Well, I've been looking around at some property around here.
ALAN
ALAN
Really? Good thing is, you've got the collateral in the bank and you can move now. I'm presuming you're paying cash?
BRYAN [nervous laugh]
I hadn't actually thought of that.
BRYAN [nervous laugh]
I hadn't actually thought of that.
ALAN
Well, it's not my business. But the point is, you can if you want, you're like me. And I would say, if you want a bit of advice, use that to your advantage, because there are a lot of people in Norwich [gesturing to MICHAEL] he knows, although he's not a property owner.
[MICHAEL moves to shake BRYAN's hand still wearing his comically massive gloves]
ALAN
This is Michael, by the way. He's - take your glove off - he's a Geordie like yourself! I mean, you've sort of... ironed out the creases. But erm... if you can use your cash advantage, it will really save you a lot of time. I'll tell you who's very good to talk to if you're interested in property, Chris Tarrant.
BRYAN
BRYAN
Oh yes...
ALAN
ALAN
Any big single cash purchase, he is shit hot. I saw him the other day, actually, I said, "Chris, Who Wants to be a Millionaire? Not you, you already are one, you big... cock.
[ALAN looks sheepishly to the camera, aware he's overstepped the mark. More dead air]
ALAN
Are you going to be making a donation?
BRYAN
Yes, of course.
ALAN
ALAN
Great. Do you want to get your chequebook out? Just ... got a pen? [BRYAN pulls a pen from his jacket pocket] I won't tell the audience what you're writing. You're listening to Alan Partridge, and watching it. So, as I say, I won't say the amount.
[ALAN surreptitiously leans over to see what BRYAN is writing]
ALAN
Suffice to say it will buy you two microwave ovens, or three and a half Dyson vacuum cleaners, which, again, works because I know you're into neatness.
BRYAN
There you go.
ALAN [turning BRYAN's cheque over]
Do you want to actually put your cheque card details on the back? You know, for security.
BRYAN
Cheque card details?
BRYAN
Cheque card details?
ALAN
Yeah. Okay, and a quick fact of the day, the lunar module was made from compressed paper. I think that's made up, actually. [pointing to what BRYAN is writing] I think you've made a mistake there, haven't you? Initials, BF.
[fundraising insert]
ALAN [holding up a colour photocopy of an unredacted bank card]
...Just ring up and quote your details from one of these. Not this exactly, this is just an example. It's actually a blown-up photocopy of my ex-wife's credit card. It should have specimen written across it, but unfortunately, events overtook us. Anyway, there it is, my ex-wife. Might as well chuck in an Alan's fact of the day. Her date of birth; fourteenth of the fourth, forty-three, if that's of any use to you. And her mother's maiden name is Parker.
The next record post-cedes a very special announcement, because you may be interested to hear that next week I am marrying a very handsome lady from Canada. It's not one of those work visa things, the first thing I said to her after I proposed was, "There's no visa in it?" - I don't want to be saddled with Mrs. Work-Permit Partridge! - and she said yes. And as it happens, there is a visa in it. But I can honestly say that for the third time in my life, I am happy.
I know one or two individuals who'll be disappointed at that news. Live with it. Let's hear the dedication for my lovely lady, Toni, with an I. It is a lady, I can vouch for that. I mean, I really can, you know? And if it's not, then it's a bloody good job! In which case, what the heck? Enjoy!
It's Mr. Philip Collins, Against All Odds.
The next record post-cedes a very special announcement, because you may be interested to hear that next week I am marrying a very handsome lady from Canada. It's not one of those work visa things, the first thing I said to her after I proposed was, "There's no visa in it?" - I don't want to be saddled with Mrs. Work-Permit Partridge! - and she said yes. And as it happens, there is a visa in it. But I can honestly say that for the third time in my life, I am happy.
I know one or two individuals who'll be disappointed at that news. Live with it. Let's hear the dedication for my lovely lady, Toni, with an I. It is a lady, I can vouch for that. I mean, I really can, you know? And if it's not, then it's a bloody good job! In which case, what the heck? Enjoy!
It's Mr. Philip Collins, Against All Odds.
[ALAN looks seriously into the camera as Phil Collins fades up, we go to a fundraising insert]
[ALAN looks into camera, squeezing his Red Nose squeaker before taking it off and laughing heartily]
ALAN
If you're just tuned in nationally, you're watching Alan Partridge on Comic Relief and, stroke or locally listening to him, stroke me, on radio... [MICHAEL coughs loudly] Actually, don't cough, Michael, have a... drink, a drink of water. Actually, not that one. It's mine. Ah, now, do I spy Emperor Dave of the Clifton Galaxy, beaming down from his Intergalactic Pop Rocket?
DAVE [insincere DJ laugh]
Hello, Alan!
ALAN
Hello, David Clifton! Just in, preparing to take over for a show in a few minutes' time. Where's your Red Nose, Dave? Well, uh... I suppose you need one, do you?
DAVE [laughter stops]
DAVE [laughter stops]
Er... Why not?
MICHAEL
You know! Because of your drinking!
DAVE [keeping it light]
Yeah, actually, I'd rather leave that in the past, Alan! Actually, you...
ALAN
Good thing you can laugh about it!
DAVE
Yeah, well, no, I think you have to, really. I actually, I noticed on your car, you've got a red nose there, haven't you? Which is, uh... It's actually turned pink, hasn't it, really, Alan? Because it's been on there for sort of three or four years!
ALAN
Stop talking now, Dave, because you weren't asked to participate! So, it's not your show, not yet. Anyway, I've got to move on....
ALAN
Stop talking now, Dave, because you weren't asked to participate! So, it's not your show, not yet. Anyway, I've got to move on....
DAVE [interjecting]
Thanks!
ALAN
Shush! So, there's just time to squeeze in Kate Bush. I don't mean squeeze in to Kate Bush, squeeze into Kate's bush. Sorry! I'm very sorry, I've gone downmarket there. If any of Kate's friends are listening, please don't, uh, tell her. This is her... Bush. Not her bush.
ALAN
Shush! So, there's just time to squeeze in Kate Bush. I don't mean squeeze in to Kate Bush, squeeze into Kate's bush. Sorry! I'm very sorry, I've gone downmarket there. If any of Kate's friends are listening, please don't, uh, tell her. This is her... Bush. Not her bush.
[fundraising insert with Running Up That Hill]
ALAN
Right, welcome back! I'm Alan Partridge, at last I can reveal my big Kate Bush gauntlet, which I'm throwing down now! Michael... Glove?
[ALAN gestures to MICHAEL to pass him one of his comically oversized gloves]
[ALAN gestures to MICHAEL to pass him one of his comically oversized gloves]
MICHAEL
They're just hired, mind.
ALAN [lightly tossing the glove onto the sound desk]
Shh, there. Thrown down. Comic Relief don't know about this, it's a little bit of a surprise. If enough people pledge enough money, I will fly to London straight after the show and sing a live Kate Bush medley on BBC One. I've already booked a helicopter, so I'm already £2,000 down. So, you'd have to pledge at least that for me to break even, but I'm looking for a lot more than that for comic relief. £10,000! £10,000 and I, Alan Partridge, will be a national Kate Bush charity jukebox!
DAVE
Actually, £10,000, Alan?
They're just hired, mind.
ALAN [lightly tossing the glove onto the sound desk]
Shh, there. Thrown down. Comic Relief don't know about this, it's a little bit of a surprise. If enough people pledge enough money, I will fly to London straight after the show and sing a live Kate Bush medley on BBC One. I've already booked a helicopter, so I'm already £2,000 down. So, you'd have to pledge at least that for me to break even, but I'm looking for a lot more than that for comic relief. £10,000! £10,000 and I, Alan Partridge, will be a national Kate Bush charity jukebox!
DAVE
Actually, £10,000, Alan?
ALAN
Yep.
DAVE
Comic Relief actually make that in five minutes, it's nothing!
ALAN
All right, then. Fifteen... hundred...
DAVE
Oh, come on, Alan!
ALAN
DAVE
Comic Relief actually make that in five minutes, it's nothing!
ALAN
All right, then. Fifteen... hundred...
DAVE
Oh, come on, Alan!
ALAN
...thousand!
DAVE
Come on, make it... what did I there, fifteen hundred thousand pounds?!
ALAN [backtracking]
No, no.
DAVE
Do you know, that is a million and a half pounds!
DAVE
Come on, make it... what did I there, fifteen hundred thousand pounds?!
ALAN [backtracking]
No, no.
DAVE
Do you know, that is a million and a half pounds!
MICHAEL [putting his bucket down, cheering]
Woo! Million and a half pounds!
Woo! Million and a half pounds!
ALAN
No! You know what I meant, Dave! That's not what I meant!
MICHAEL
Million and a half! Woo! He's a nutter, man!
MICHAEL
Million and a half! Woo! He's a nutter, man!
ALAN
Alright! Make it two million, I don't care!
MICHAEL [picking up Red Noses, squeezing the squeakers]
Woo, two!
ALAN
All right, make it one and a half. One and a half, [to MICHAEL] I've done that! Don't... do that again! One and a half million pounds, minus two thousand for the helicopter, I need that back. So if you, the British public, and listeners to Radio Norwich - you need this - pledge £1,500,000, I, Alan Partridge, will fly to Television Centre to sing a live Kate Bush medley! Right, that's the end of my little stint.
Thank you for watching, or listening, in the Norwich area. Just time to read this out, as we always do at this time. It's Partridge's Night Owl.
[a jingle of a badly-done owl hoot]
ALAN
It's basically a local listings list. Okay, if you're in Diss tomorrow night, Freddie Garrity from Freddie and the Dreamers will be giving a talk on the '60s at St Margaret's Catholic Church from 7pm. So, pop along and help Freddie remember the '60s.
On Sunday at 8pm, Cliff Thorburn will be giving an exhibition match at Norwich Town Hall. He'll be taking on members of the public. So, go along, maybe show him up. That's it! If Comic Relief have a shred of compassion, and you pledge £1,500,000, you can join me on BBC One later, singing Bush. That's it.
On Sunday at 8pm, Cliff Thorburn will be giving an exhibition match at Norwich Town Hall. He'll be taking on members of the public. So, go along, maybe show him up. That's it! If Comic Relief have a shred of compassion, and you pledge £1,500,000, you can join me on BBC One later, singing Bush. That's it.
[fundraising insert]
LENNY HENRY
He's a saint, he's Norfolk's third most popular morning disc jockey, ladies and gentlemen, Mr Alan Partridge!
ALAN [making his way through the backstage corridor]
Here I am, here I am. Yes, we're supposed to have come... Hello, calm down.
ALAN
I was supposed to have come here by helicopter, couldn't land on the BBC, on the roof of the BBC, something about sound noise, some crap about sound noise. But I can... actually, I was brought here in a taxi, actually, by this chap, so what's your name?
PETER
Peter.
ALAN
ALAN
Peter, do you want to wave the fare for Comic Relief?
PETER
PETER
No.
ALAN
No, sure?
PETER
Yeah.
ALAN
Oh, you bugger! [jokingly waves fists in PETER's face] Great, let's go along, do the song. Thank you.
ALAN
No, sure?
PETER
Yeah.
ALAN
Oh, you bugger! [jokingly waves fists in PETER's face] Great, let's go along, do the song. Thank you.
[ALAN is handed a microphone and he jogs into the studio, centre stage]
ALAN
Okay, here we go. [gesturing the audience to quieten down] Cue the music.
We're all alone on the stage tonight.
Have we got clearance for copyright?
We've been told we're not afraid of you.
We should have done that. That should have been done.
We know all our lines so well, AHA!
[to audience] Don't respond!
Sent them so many times.
Time and time again.
Line and line again.
Oh yeah, you're amazing!
We think you're incredible!
You say we're fantastic,
But still we don't head the bill!
Technically we do.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whaooh! Unbelievable!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, woah! Woah! Unbelievable!
If I only could,
I'd make a deal with God.
I'd get him to swap our places.
I'm running up that road.
I'm running up that hill.
No problem.
Rolling the ball.
Rolling the ball.
Rolling the ball... to me.
Join in!
Rolling the ball. Rolling!
Rolling the ball. Rolling!
Rolling the ball... toooo... He's here again.
The man with the child in his eyes!
Heathcliffe!
It's me, I'm Cathy. I've come home now.
It's so co-ho-ho-hold!
Let me into your window, whoa-ho!
Heathcliffe!
It's me, I'm Cathy. I've come home now.
It's so co-ho-ho-hold!
Let me into your window, whoa-ho!
[falsetto] Don't give up, because you have friends.
Don't give up, you're not beaten yet.
Don't give up, I know you can make it good! [chokes on emotion]
Don't give up. 'Cause... [deep voice] somewhere there's a place where you belong.
[from either side of the stage, a couple of dancers join ALAN]
Come on, girls!
I'm all yours, Babooshka, Babooshka, Babooshka-ya-ya!
I said I'm all yours, Babooshka, Babooshka, Babooshka-ya-ya!
[the dancing girls put a hand on each of ALAN's shoulders and force him down onto one knee]
Don't forget, it's not just a bit of fun, it's for Comic Relief! And, well, you know, whatever. Okay. Yeah. Get the camera off me now. Get the camera off me. Quickly!
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