MMM S01E10: Alan Partridge, Out-of-the-Box Thinker
[ALAN is off-air, looking at a giant Norfolk roadmap]
DANIEL [off-camera, just entering the studio with SIMON]
Oh, okay.
SIMON [off]
Here he is!
DANIEL [off]
Here we are!
ALAN
Oh, hello! I was just planning a trip to Beccles.
SIMON [by way of introduction to ALAN]
Er, Daniel...
[ALAN struggles to fold the map]
SIMON
I'll do that!
ALAN [throwing the map off-camera in frustration]
Ah, fuck it! Hey!
DANIEL [shaking ALAN's hand]
Hello.
ALAN
What a- what an absolute privilege it is to have you in the- I think it's our first internet billionaire, millionaire, whatever you are, in the studio! So, absolutely delighted.
DANIEL
Well, no ditto! My pleasure. Thrilled, really!
ALAN
Can I also say, what a fantastic handshake! That is actually one of the best handshakes... yeah.
Firm, soft, warm, dry. Just real... real class and panache!
Firm, soft, warm, dry. Just real... real class and panache!
DANIEL
Well, you're too kind! You can have another go, if you like.
ALAN
Oh, thank you. I will, I will. No, seriously, that's great.
DANIEL
Oh, well, you listen. You're too kind. Yours isn't too bad yourself.
ALAN
Yeah, well, I've got the warmth and the firmness and the softness, I'm just working on the dryness! Just... get that right!
DANIEL
Good.
Good.
[DANIEL goes to sit in ALAN's seat]
ALAN
Right, aah. Okay.
DANIEL
Am I in your seat? Sorry, I'm...
ALAN
No, God, no, absolutely not! No, no, no, no, no. No, we don't care about all the old, er... all that seat shit!
SIMON
Who cares?!
ALAN
Yeah! Really, it's just... I sit there, sometimes I sit over there, lean on there, you know, squat on the desk. I don't do that, but, you know, I wouldn't put it past me.
SIMON
Haha! Sometimes sits on me.
ALAN
Well, that was judo. That was for a charity event.
DANIEL
Okay.
ALAN
Bit of a mistake, but, er...
DANIEL
Good, well, if you're sure?
ALAN
Yeah, no, I can't stand those people who are like, "Oh, don't sit in my seat!", you know? "Don't sit in my seat!".
SIMON
"Get outta my chair!"
ALAN
I'm not Sue Lawley! "Don't sit in my seat!". No.
DANIEL
Good.
ALAN
No, it'll be fine...
No, it'll be fine...
[ALAN awkwardly reaches across DANIEL to press a few buttons]
ALAN [straining to reach the console, uncomfortably close to DANIEL]
That's right, I've just got to reach that back there... and that there... Actually, do you mind? I think we're a bit too close...
DANIEL
Yeah!
ALAN
...facially!
DANIEL
Okay. Yeah. Do you want to swap back?
[ALAN and DANIEL swap seats. SIMON stays where he is on the banquette]
ALAN
Yeah, let's do it. I wouldn't normally...
DANIEL
Oh, no, no, no! It's your, it's your...
ALAN
But it's just that I just think that, for a man of your status, I really think that you should not be subjected to such a facial invasion!
DANIEL
A facial inv- Face invaders! Face invaders. Somebody write that down!
ALAN
Wow!
DANIEL
There it is, that's an idea. We've had an idea right there. That's it, boom! That's how it happens.
ALAN
Wow, that's amazing. Well, it's, you know... I've got to say, you... I'd love to spend a day inside your head. It would be a great time, it would be like your Alton Towers!
SIMON
Haha! Take a packed lunch!
ALAN
Well, you wouldn't need a packed lunch! He's probably got a high-end cafeteria in his head!
SIMON
Oh, or a Wagamamas!
ALAN
Have you got a Wagamama's in your head?
JINGLE
...middle-aged? Maybe! Middle of the road...
ALAN
Oh, here we go!
[ALAN fades up the mics]
ALAN
Welcome back to Mid Morning Matters. How would you like to hear an interview with someone far wealthier than you, Billy No Cash?! Haha! Because joining me now is an internet entrepreneur who made his first million by the age of 19, sold his first business to Microsoft at the age of 22, is on the board of no less than twelve companies, and has most recently created a new business networking tool dubbed 'The Facebook of Corporate Finance'. Sorry for the silly voice there. And today he's come to share the secrets of his success, Daniel Langford!
Wow, thank you, Alan. That's, um... What a thorough introduction! That's, um... I think the only thing you missed out there might have been my Duke of Edinburgh Award!
SIMON
And your hundred-metre breaststroke badge!
ALAN
If I tried to list all his awards, I'd be here all ruddy day!
If I tried to list all his awards, I'd be here all ruddy day!
DANIEL
No, I think Simon and I were just joking with you, Alan.
ALAN
Well, that makes three of us, I was joking too! You can put that down there, you don't need to keep that near your... gob! Bits, bytes, RAM, bugs, worms, cookies, reboot, download... clear cache... do not filter results, and clear history. We are all familiar with computer terminology.
SIMON
Ah! Dongles?
ALAN
Dongle- Do you dongle, Daniel?
Dongle- Do you dongle, Daniel?
DANIEL [lifting the mic again]
Um, I occasionally, I dongle.
SIMON
If his dressing gown falls open?
ALAN
Dirty get!
DANIEL [keeping it light]
I think... most importantly, Alan, is that we don't get bogged down with terminology. Yes? Technology has to work for people. Computers work for us, we don't work for them...
ALAN
Yes.
DANIEL
...yet!
ALAN
Yet! Ah, no, that's...
DANIEL
Touch wood! Touch wood!
ALAN
Absolutely, no! If we don't... you've got to keep an eye on them, though, those ruddy things! Bloody computer, you [ALAN lightly punches his monitor] bitch! Well, um, no, I mean, anyone seen I, Robot with, um, what's his name? The big-eared...
SIMON
It's Will Smith.
DANIEL
Oh, I see! Or Asimov, who wrote the original.
ALAN
Who wrote the book, yeah. I prefer the film.
Who wrote the book, yeah. I prefer the film.
DANIEL
Really?
ALAN
Not having read the book.
DANIEL
Ah!
ALAN
Um, I know you're a people person. I can tell that straight away. Do you know why? I'll tell you why, Daniel. It's because you use people's Christian names. You came in, you used mine, you used Simon's, and I never call him by his name.
SIMON
Also, he doesn't, and also, he, uh, used the, um, the lady behind the desk by her Christian name.
ALAN
Right, you used her name. The girl, um... The woman who smokes too much. She's got, she's got, like, crow's feet around her mouth from pinching, from doing that. [pursing his lips as if smoking a cigarette]
SIMON
Little, sort of, crevices.
DANIEL
Manners cost nothing today, Alan.
ALAN
Right, so what you're saying is it's an affordable device whereby important people can make people who are not important feel like they are important. For free.
DANIEL
I'm not sure that's... why I do what I do. I like to think that I see people for who they are, okay?
Not necessarily what's printed on their business card!
Not necessarily what's printed on their business card!
ALAN
Well, that's interesting you say that, because I actually... What I've got embossed on my business card is everything I do, I leave nothing to chance. I mean, I've got my name, Alan G. Partridge, G for Gordon...
DANIEL
Mm-hmm.
ALAN
Business consultant, internet... just internet....
DANIEL
Right. Well, it's...
ALAN [continuing regardless]
After dinner speaker, before dinner speaker, and then some unusual descriptions.
SIMON
You've got "Attitude Challenger". And this one sounds a bit more violent, "Convention Breaker!". [mimes a karate chop]
DANIEL
Well, I hope not! I organise conventions, Alan. It's one of the things I do, in fact, I've got one happening soon at Somerset House. I hope you're not going to come along and break that! You're going to come and smash that down! [laughs]
ALAN
No, no, no, no, no! In fact, when I realised that that was an ambiguous term, I was really, really upset, genuinely upset! Because I am the last person that would do anything to harm a business convention. Just the idea that I might, I don't know, interfere with a, you know, an audio-visual presentation makes me feel physically sick.
DANIEL
No, it's... Well, I think what you're trying to convey, Alan, is that you are someone who likes to think outside the box.
ALAN
Yeah, yeah, yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's that simple! That's what I should have written on the bloody card, "Out-of-the-box thinker", that's all.
SIMON
I should add it on!
ALAN
What, with the biro?
SIMON [laughing]
Yeah!
ALAN
Okay.
SIMON [not laughing]
You want me to?
ALAN [pulling down a box of business cards]
Yeah, please! There you go.
SIMON
Am I doing all of them, am I?
ALAN
Please, yeah. [to DANIEL, referencing the mic he's holding up to his mouth] You can pop that down there. Daniel, to continue my out-of-the-box thinking, let's spin a record! This one's by Elton John, and it's called... Daniel.
[cut to black]
DANIEL
People call me a workaholic, Alan! It's not true.
ALAN [scoffs]
Dicks!
DANIEL
Well, entitled to their opinion, but no, it's not true. To me, Alan, it's fun. I wake up every morning and I'm excited.
SIMON
I get that from time to time!
ALAN
You dirty get! How can someone like, let's say... I don't know... me, replicate your success?
DANIEL
Let me ask you this, Alan. What do you think, to date, has been my biggest investment?
ALAN
Noney- Money?
DANIEL
No.
ALAN
Property?
DANIEL
No.
ALAN
Do... you... own a quarry?
DANIEL
No!
ALAN
Gold!
DANIEL
People!
ALAN [wincing that he didn't guess the answer]
Nng! God! Give me another one!
DANIEL
Because, you see, people...
ALAN
...I thought it was a game...
DANIEL
People are what really...
ALAN
I know, people make all the difference, yes, yes, I understand that!
DANIEL
The fact is, Alan, I like to surround myself with talented people.
ALAN
As do I.
SIMON
Thank you.
ALAN
I don't mean him! If anything, he's a disappointment. You should see him eat. He looks like he's had a stroke!
DANIEL
Okay...
ALAN
What about weekends? Tell us about these away days you do.
DANIEL
Yes, yes...
[DANIEL picks the mic up to speak into it again and ALAN forcibly puts it back on the desk]
DANIEL
I organise these weekends where we get a group of people together and we do an activity. We have fun, and we talk, we inspire each other. It can be anything, it can be grouse shooting, it could be sailing... archery... This weekend, we're going rock climbing up at Fort William.
ALAN
Wow!
DANIEL
There's going to be about twenty of us. If I come back with one good idea, mission accomplished!
ALAN
That's fantastic!
DANIEL
Last weekend, we went round Brands Hatch.
ALAN [very impressed]
Oh! Ohhhh! Sorry, I was a bit... Oh! Sort of Chinese there, "Oh, Blands Hatch!". Sorry, I was a bit racist. It's funny, isn't it, you do a Chinese voice, it annoys some people, you do a black man's voice, all hell breaks loose. Explain that, you can't. They're both racist. But I would love to come on one of your away days.
DANIEL [laughing at the idea]
No, we normally have business leaders...
ALAN
Well, I'm a- I- I run businesses. I actually pay... I'm in the top tax-paying bracket of all time.
DANIEL
Well, we often leave a space open, you know, for left-field thinkers.
ALAN
Sure.
DANIEL
We've had an RAF pilot.... We've had Shami Chakrabarti from Liberty...
ALAN [interjecting]
Never heard of her.
DANIEL
...We've had a Paralympian, which was special.
ALAN
That's kind. What about a radio DJ?
DANIEL
That's a very good idea. It's a very good idea!
ALAN
Any time! Any time.
DANIEL
...Should look into Nicky Campbell, shouldn't I? He's got a very broad demographic, able to do both the heavy-hitting stuff and is able to do the quiz shows.
ALAN
Or fails at both, just depending on your point of view. But, er... I would be delighted to step into the gap of one week on your away day.
[DANIEL laughs at the idea, SIMON joins in followed by, gingerly, ALAN trying to fit in]
DANIEL [derisively]
He's not serious?
ALAN [damage control]
No, I'm not serious! I'm not... frigging serious! I'm on the wetlands this weekend, on a three-man hovercraft, with the head of the Norfolk Range Rover franchise and two PE teachers.
SIMON
Two?
ALAN
At least.
DANIEL
Is that four people on a three-person hovercraft?
ALAN
Read my business card.
SIMON [reading off the business card]
"After-dinner speaker"?
ALAN [annoyed]
Rule-breaker! It's written on the back.
[there's an awkward silence as we cut to black]
[off air during a record, Alan is alone in the studio reading a copy of Special Auto Express. SIMON comes in holding a small card]
SIMON
Alan? Hello. Sorry. Bit of an odd one. Reception have just had a call from the... Alan?
ALAN [looking up from his magazine]
Yeah?
SIMON
Yeah. Reception have just had a call from the tax office.
ALAN
What, the Inland Revenue?
SIMON
Yeah, they say that they heard what you were saying about your income earlier and it doesn't just quite tally with their records. [puts the card down in front of ALAN] They just want you to give them a bell.
ALAN
What, so I massage the figures? Big deal. Send me to jail!
SIMON
Well, just don't shoot the messenger! Just letting you know...
ALAN
Haven't they got better things to do than harass a digital DJ?
SIMON
Who knows?
[SIMON exits the studio]
ALAN [mocking]
Oh, God, I'm really scared! I've emptied myself in my unders!
[ALAN looks at the card with a worried expression and we cut to a little later]
ALAN
Just to clear something up, earlier I suggested that I was in the top tax band. Slight mistake there, five percent of my earnings are in the top tax band. The remaining ninety-five are in the lower band. And to to to cut the story short, I basically earn about a quarter of what I said earlier. And now the News Gifford. The news with Chris Gifford.
[SIMON re-enters the studio giggling]
ALAN
What are you laughing at? What's going on?
[CUT TO the adjoining studio, where five North Norfolk Digital employees are looking through the window at ALAN and also laughing]
ALAN
Oh, all right, so the tax office didn't phone in. All right, okay, fair enough! Let's all have a laugh at the expense of Alan Partridge. Yeah, very good. Whose idea was it? [to SIMON] Yours, I suppose.
[SIMON mockingly makes a "Who, me?" gesture]
ALAN
Right, yeah, I'll tell you what I think... [suddenly vicious] I think you're a fucking dick, mate.
[SIMON's laughter immediately stops]
I'll tell you something else. Don't you ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, EVER do something like that again...
SIMON [quietly, defensively]
Calm down...
[the people in the adjoining studio stop laughing and slowly filter away as the atmosphere turns sour]
ALAN
You... I will make sure you will never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never never never never, never work in Norfolk Radio...
SIMON
North Norfolk...
ALAN
...North Norfolk Radio. You are this to me. You are this to me. This! And I am that to you. Massive! You are nothing. And I... [calm voice again, fading up the mic to go on air] am Alan Partridge. You're listening to Mid Morning Matters with Alan Partridge.
SIMON
And Sidekick Simon. We cool, are we? We're alright?
[SIMON offers a hand, ALAN shakes it leaving him with a clammy palm which he wipes on his shirt]
ALAN
Yeah, sure. This is Clannad.
[cut to black]
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