1991: Sports Desk, On The Hour

Episode 1

ALAN

This is Sports Desk, I'm Alan Partridge. Formula One driver Nigel Mansell gave up motor racing this week as it's 'too dangerous'. "And anyway", claims Mansell, "I can get the same sensation by sitting in a wind tunnel with dark glasses on, and a paper bag of agitated wasps tied over my head".

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ALAN

This is Sports Desk, I'm Alan Partridge. Athletics, and sprinter Linford Christie has withdrawn from tomorrow's Crystal Palace meeting in Oslo, blaming groin injury. The problem centres on possible tearing in the lower skin and a slight severing of dry tissue from the genital wall. Apparently seven connective membranes have been stretched and three have come loose, causing the inner sac to chafe against the muscle for the third time this season. 

Episode 2

CHRIS

And now sport. 

ALAN

This is Sports Desk, I'm Alan Partridge. Cricket, and a shock result at Lord's today when Glamorgan defeated Middlesex. I spoke to Graeme Gooch in the pavilion. 

ALAN

Well, Graeme Gooch, all out for 36, that was quick, you must be pleased. 

GREAME

Er, no, it's the lowest score on record actually, Alan. We're very disappointed.

ALAN

I heard talk in the shower room that you had trouble in the groin department. 

GREAME

Er, no, my groin is functioning a hundred percent, thank you, Alan. A hundred percent.

ALAN

Golf news now, and the British Open reached its climax this afternoon at Turnberry. I spoke to Seve Ballesteros in the clubhouse.

ALAN

Seve Ballesteros, it's all over, you're back in the bar. What went wrong? 

SEVE

Well, nothing go wrong. I don't think you quite understand the principle of golf, which is that if I hit less shots, I'm back in the clubhouse very quickly. It's very good.

ALAN

A lot of people have been talking about your groin strain. I understand there's been a few snags, a few stretches there. 

SEVE

Er, what people is this, who are talking about a strain? it's not true. 

ALAN

Seve Ballesteros! Over at Hickstead for the show jumping now, and I grabbed a few moments with Lucinda Green. 

ALAN

Lucinda Green, you stayed on your horse all the way round, you must be pretty chuffed!

LUCINDA

Well, I stayed on, but I had a very low score, so I'm feeling I can do a lot better next time, I hope.

ALAN

Yeah, but still, you hit all the right fences. One thing that, sort of, troubles me is your groin strain. How bad is it? Any torn ligaments? I've been told it's a bit like a guitar string snapping.

LUCINDA

Er, no, I don't have any strain of that sort.

ALAN

Surely, the taking off the landings, there must be a strange kind of pressure on the groinal area. I was wondering how you kind of cope with the impact.

LUCINDA

Yeah, I think you've got the wrong rider, I don't have any groin strain at all.

ALAN

How do you deal with the inevitable muscular spasms and pains that must wrack the groinal area?

LUCINDA

I don't have any pain whatsoever.

ALAN

Ha ha! I love the sense of humour you've got there. Listen, have a can of Ralgex on Alan Partridge, I'll spray it on, thanks! 

JINGLE

On The Hour, never baulks at issues from which other news programmes might well shrink.

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CHRIS

And in the last minute, we've just heard the that we've received the rest of today's sports news with Alan Partridge. 

ALAN

This is Sports Desk, I'm Alan Partridge. The World Snooker Championships in Reading were thrown into chaos this afternoon, when midway through the Steve Davis Jimmy White quarter-final, a young child stood up in the audience and shouted, "Hold on, all this game is, is two blokes hitting some balls around a table for a couple of hours, where's the entertainment value in that?". The rest of the audience realised how foolish they'd been for so many years, and the disillusioned players were unable to continue. 

Later on, the British Open Golf Championship was thrown into chaos today, when, as Nick Faldo prepared to putt on the 17th green, a young child stood forward from the group of spectators and shouted, "What a swizz! This is just a load of old blokes in sweaters knocking a ball about with a stick!". Faldo was cited later in the bar mumbling, "What's the point of it all?", into an empty glass.

Episode 3

CONTINUITY ANNOUNCER

Survey news, and cream is good for you if you're left-handed, according to a survey in this week's Which Survey magazine. The report says that, apparently, cream is good for you if you're left-handed. 

CHRIS

The news. Time now for Sports Desk with Alan Partridge, and you're a bit of a cream man I understand, Alan. 

ALAN

I certainly wouldn't say no to a bit of the old cream, certainly, and I know a lot of people say, you know, "Hold on with the cream there, not so good for the old ticker", but I certainly say "Give us another spoon of cream!". 

CHRIS

Do you drink it out of a cup?

ALAN

I, well, out of a cup, I don't know! Certainly, if there was a bit of a trifle at the bottom I'd probably say "Put some cream on that, please", or probably... and probably have a few more if I was really hungry. Erm...

This is Sports Desk, I'm Alan Partridge. And transfer news, Arsenal have bought a special Letraset Action Transfer Pack, which includes an alien landscape and a set of fifteen transfer figures of spacemen and monsters. "It's great!", says manager George Graham. "It gives us the chance to create our own alien world with men and monsters depicted in battle or at rest as we imagine it".

Title contenders Liverpool manager Graeme Souness says he's not worried by this development, arguing that his multi-million-pound signings of Dean Saunders, Mark Wright and The Real Ghostbusters fridge magnet should put them in contention at the end of the season. 

Episode 4

ALAN

This is Sports Desk, I'm Alan Partridge. Hunting, Buckinghamshire's radical new vegetarian hunt has run into teething troubles. Their pack of rabbits has responded well to training, but the local children paid to drag vegetables, at speed, through the fields and woodland became tired very quickly, meaning the hunt ended early with a successful, but unsatisfying capture of a turnip, three carrots and some leaves. Some veggie burgers left in a local garden were liberated by carnivore hunt saboteurs, who left confusing trails of salad dressing along busy roads and railway lines.

Racing tips today, at the 3:30 at Tavistock, we go for number five, Santa's Boyfriend. And the 4:30, The Barbara Bush Handicap, we put our money on horse number two, Dr Jeremy Simpson. The going at Tavistock today was good to flimsy. 

CHRIS

Alan Partridge with today's sport, and I understand over the weekend, Alan, your wife died?

ALAN

Certainly, straight like a bolt out of the blue, as they say, I was just working on the extension and got a phone call and that was it, you know, she was gone, certainly. 

CHRIS

There's an inevitable psychological backlash which could last up to ten years. 

ALAN

Yes, well certainly I'm hoping it's going to be shorter than that, I've seen a guy for counselling and I'm trying to, sort of, keep things in perspective, certainly keep things together, that's the important thing.

CHRIS

Still, nice to have a bit of time to yourself. 

ALAN [mumbling]

Yeah? Yeah.

Episode 5

CHRIS

Time for sport now with Alan Partridge, and talking of strong breezes, Alan, you're a pretty strong man. 

ALAN

I certainly like to think I can do a bit of the old weights, get the old pecs and the lats in shape, certainly think if there was a bit of a caboodle, a bit of a kerfuffle, I could certainly hold my own. 

CHRIS

Big and strong?

ALAN

Strongish, yeah. 

CHRIS

Handy with a mallet? 

ALAN

I certainly think I can use weaponry. This is Sports Desk, I'm Alan Partridge. Fishing news, the British angling competition, latest score, Anglers 532, Fish nil. 

Shock news today from swimming star Duncan Goodhew, whose hair has grown back overnight, destroying the cheery bald swimming star image that has made him the toast of the twin worlds of sport and no hair. Goodhew feels he's at crisis point in his career due to the inevitable revenue loss from his moonlighting as a cheery bald swimming star, quiz and chat show celebrity.

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CHRIS

Time for Sports Desk with Alan Partridge. 

ALAN

This is Sports Desk, I'm Alan Partridge. Confusion at the end of the American Football Super Bowl in LA this week, as both teams claimed victory and there was no one in the ground who was exactly sure how the scoring system works, or of the basis upon which the points are awarded. Coach Eni Ramal of the LA Dogs said "Surely it's how much you throw the ball around that counts?", while Zeem Nortioni of the New York Dogs counted "No, it's how fast you go up and down, that's what means you win". 

And news in from the Dolphinarium Brighton, where kindly local dolphins and otters have come up with a novel way to solve the financial crisis of newly unhaired, ex-bald swimming star Duncan Goodhew, their human-aqua-friend. They're planning to join with Goodhew in a musical aqua show involving leaping through hoops, catching fish and clicking. The dolphins and otters will wear wigs to remind even the most hard-hearted onlooker of the tragedy of Goodhew's misfortune. Duncan is hoping that the proceeds from the show will enable him to buy an electric razor or else a cheap novelty bald joke wig. 

CHRIS

Alan Partridge with today's sport. And before you go, Alan, I gather that your wife rose from the dead this weekend? 

ALAN

Yeah, I was wondering how long it would take for that one to get round, haha! Yeah, I was doing a spot of decorating and, er, right like a bolt out of the blue, there was my wife, you know, with a couple of other members of the living dead. 

CHRIS

Any smell involved? 

ALAN

Quite a bit, I can tell you, a bit of a hoy there! But, uh, so I had to, you know, got out the garden hose, sort of clean her up a bit. And certainly I do love her, even though there's a smell.

CHRIS

The onset of putrefaction hasn't destroyed the charm? 

ALAN [mumbling]

Hmm? Yeah.

Episode 6

CHRIS

Well, I'm joined now by Alan Partridge for a review of the year's sport. Alan, I gather you've just been sick.

ALAN

You're not, you're not wrong there! I certainly was sick, a couple of hours ago, funnily enough. And I don't know, mixing of drinks and food and whatnot, it was a bit of a lethal cocktail. And certainly a lot of that came out in one big, er... 

CHRIS

Emesis nemesis.

ALAN

You might say that! Anyway, I've got quite an amusing story about Christmases of the past. The turkey we were going to have was, I was supposed to go and pick it up, and I put it in the back of the car, which was going to take it to... 

CHRIS

Can you hurry up, please? We're running out of time.

ALAN

Yeah, I'll just hurry. And put it in the back of the car, and it was the wrong car. So this car drove off, the wrong turkey in, yeah, just went... We never saw it again, basically. We had to get another one.

We had to buy another one. 

CHRIS

Is what happened, is that all that happened, though? You just put a turkey in the wrong car?

ALAN

Yeah, it was at the time. You know, you had to laugh about it. 

CHRIS

Surely there must have been something else which happened which made this event worth recounting.

ALAN

It was a long time ago, I think something else probably happened, like someone fell over or something. 

[CHRIS bursts into laughter]

ALAN

Yeah, it was very funny, yeah! I seem to remember now, it's coming back. Someone did fall over.

CHRIS

Happy Christmas, Alan. 

ALAN

Yeah, thanks, Chris.  

CHRIS [still laughing]

Oh, dear! 

ALAN

Well, on that cheery note, let's have a look back at some of the other cheery events. Thanks, Chris. I feel a lot better.

CHRIS

Start the tape. 

[background music: Oxygene, Pt 4 by Jean-Michel Jarre]

ALAN

I wonder who it was who said, "If a week is a long time in politics, then a year is twelve months in sport". I wonder! I'm Alan Partridge, and this is my Year of Sport. Welcome. Welcome.

You join us here as Manchester United and Liverpool, the two giants, battle it out at the derby, or well, near Derby, of two teams who are quite close, battling for the prize which is... a result, in this case. Down there on the pitch, and I've got to say, it's foggy. Very foggy. It's adding, in a way, to the atmosphere, the fog here hanging like some sort of grey flannel... a dirty grey flannel hanging here on a sort of, if you imagine the pitch is a towel rail, obviously a big one, big towel rail with a big, grey flannel hanging... I can't see much, that's the main problem here. A lot of fog, certainly hanging, hanging fog.

 

A great match! Earlier on this year, my wife said to me, Alan, you've gone to the dogs. And in a way, she was right, because what a magnificent year it's been for dog racing! 

And they're off, number five straight into the lead there. A very well-bred hound running there right in front of the other dogs. There's the rabbit, or the hare, whatever, he's after that. Not a real one, of course, thank goodness, as these greyhounds or whippets, or whatever they are, doing really well, all racing round in a corner. 

Thank goodness it's not a real hare or a rabbit, because I tell you, I've seen some of those things happen. I've seen some of those poor old rabbits, and hares, and they just get hold of them and tear them to pieces, not a nice thing! Just tear them, little bunny, all being torn by dogs, horrid! Anyway, there they are, round the course. And I'm just so relieved it's not a real rabbit. Honestly, because it's just not right, you know, some of them live for hours. It's terrible! Anyway, and here they come... 

In motor racing, the cars were truly on form, Form-ula One style.

Mansell, closely followed by Prost, followed by Senna, Berger, Piquet... Mansell's holding all the way, it's very difficult to see how he can lose the lead now! Yes, no, yes, I was right, he's still in the lead! Mansell is in the lead, followed by Senna, Prost, Berger and Piquet, and some others behind them. Some foreign, but quite good, racing drivers, following him. Amazing.

And here comes Mansell, he's still in the lead with Senna and Prost and Berger, just like before! We're in the same row, and Mansell looks like he's going to win. Through the chicane. And all the others. Through the chicane. Amazing. Mansell, Senna, Prost, just the same. Amazing! Through the chicane. Through the chicane. Amazing. 

This is Alan Partridge, and these are my sports. They've been good, they've been fast, they've been clean. Let's keep it that way in the coming year. Goodbye, and good sport. 

CHRIS

Fine and just sentiments, Al. Cheers, very much indeed.