MMM S1E06: King and Car
ALAN
You're listening to A-P with M-M-M on N-N-D! That's Alan Partridge, Mid Morning Matters on North Norfolk Digital, please keep the messages coming in for King and Car. I especially want to hear from you if you're on Twitter! Please message me at @AlanGordonPartridge.
SIMON
Alan, just thinking, Twitter is the ideal medium for you, isn't it?
ALAN
How so?
SIMON
Well, your name's Partridge, and a partridge is a bird, and birds twitter!
ALAN
You are... No way! You're bang wrong! Not a Partridge, a partridge emits a combination of a trill and a pained cry. It's sort of a... I think- I used to be able to do this [pained squawk, cough] I could do this the other day... [more rough Partridge noises] It's got a sort of sad quality, there's a certain sort of...
You are... No way! You're bang wrong! Not a Partridge, a partridge emits a combination of a trill and a pained cry. It's sort of a... I think- I used to be able to do this [pained squawk, cough] I could do this the other day... [more rough Partridge noises] It's got a sort of sad quality, there's a certain sort of...
SIMON
...haunting...
ALAN
Yeah. [more Partridge squawks] ...but higher and quicker.
SIMON
Yep, and- sorry, why are you called @AlanGordonPartridge? Why not just simply @AlanPartridge?
Yep, and- sorry, why are you called @AlanGordonPartridge? Why not just simply @AlanPartridge?
ALAN
That name, Alan Partridge, that name was taken.
SIMON
Was it? It's annoying, isn't it?
Was it? It's annoying, isn't it?
ALAN
No, not really. I'm one hundred... million percent fine with it.
No, not really. I'm one hundred... million percent fine with it.
SIMON
It's probably set up by one of your... FOPs.
ALAN
What's a FOP?
SIMON
A Fan Of Partridge.
A Fan Of Partridge.
ALAN
I'd- that's quite good! I might use that. [writing it down] FOP.
SIMON
Well, for heaven's sake, don't use Alan's Internet Disciples.
ALAN
AIDs! Yeah, that would be embarrassing, wouldn't it? If the parent company here found out you had AIDS, you'd be out on your ear! And rightly so!
AIDs! Yeah, that would be embarrassing, wouldn't it? If the parent company here found out you had AIDS, you'd be out on your ear! And rightly so!
SIMON
So, your middle name is Gordon? That's hilarious.
So, your middle name is Gordon? That's hilarious.
ALAN [defensively]
Do you mind?! What?! No, it's... Alan's, um... Gordon's actually a rather good middle name. I will point out that my initials spell A-G-P, AGP! Sounds like a motor oil! You can imagine that on the side of a Formula 1 car!
SIMON
Very manly!
ALAN
It is manly, yes. It's actually terrible for Sue Cook. Her middle name's Ingrid.
SIMON
Oh, SIC! At least her middle name isn't Ursula.
ALAN
SUC! Yeah, that would be-
SIMON
Worse!
ALAN
It can always be a bit worse! Or Amanda.
SIMON
SAC!
ALAN
Precisely.
Precisely.
SIMON
What's rude about a sac?
ALAN
Well, it's a nickname, isn't it, for ball bag! This is Enya, with her Orinoco Flow.
[ALAN fades up Enya and turns to appraise SIMON]
ALAN
Good!
SIMON
Yeah, very good, yeah.
[fade to black]
ALAN
You're listening to Alan Partridge. A quick look at the results of our online poll; in fourth, it's Maris.
In third is Pied, of Hamelin. Second, it's Billy. But your favourite piper, it seems, is bag. I'm surprised, I thought it would be a slam-dunk for Billy in the Piper Poll.
You're listening to Alan Partridge. A quick look at the results of our online poll; in fourth, it's Maris.
In third is Pied, of Hamelin. Second, it's Billy. But your favourite piper, it seems, is bag. I'm surprised, I thought it would be a slam-dunk for Billy in the Piper Poll.
[ALAN refers to an open newspaper on his desk]
Let's have a look at this article in this morning's paper. It's from Dr Marian Puton. Now, she urges men to talk more about bowel cancer. "Bowels shouldn't be taboo", she says. "Men shouldn't be embarrassed to discuss the dangers". I quite agree, Marion! There's a certain sort of schoolboy humour that surrounds bodily functions... and I don't think they should be, frankly. I'm very open about it, I'm very candid, very happy to say that I try to maintain a healthy anus. And, you know, I'm largely successful! There's the odd mishap but, the law of averages... you're not going to get it right every time.
Now it's time to step back into the past and ask if historical monarchs could drive a modern car, which one would they choose? Gerald in Bury St. Edmunds. Hello.
CALLER #1
Hello, Alan.
Hello, Alan.
ALAN
What have you got for us?
What have you got for us?
CALLER #1
Alfred the Great and a Mitsubishi Shogun.
ALAN
Bullseye! Louise in Diss, what have you got for us?
Bullseye! Louise in Diss, what have you got for us?
CALLER #2
Queen Elizabeth I and a silver Jaguar XK8 Type R or, a Jensen Interceptor.
ALAN
Someone been helping you with that?
CALLER #2
No.
No.
ALAN
It's very good! Mary on line two, what's your King and Car?
It's very good! Mary on line two, what's your King and Car?
CALLER #3
Well, he's not strictly a king, but I was thinking Oliver Cromwell would drive a Lexus.
ALAN
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
CALLER #3
Oh, well, maybe a VW Phaeton, then.
Oh, well, maybe a VW Phaeton, then.
ALAN
Oliver Cromwell?
CALLER #3
Yeah.
Yeah.
ALAN
I'm not sure you got the hang of this, Mary!
I'm not sure you got the hang of this, Mary!
CALLER #3
Oh, sorry Alan!
Oh, sorry Alan!
ALAN
That's all right. Why don't you hang up, have a little think and call back later?
That's all right. Why don't you hang up, have a little think and call back later?
CALLER #3
Um... yeah. It would mean I'll have to pay for another call.
Um... yeah. It would mean I'll have to pay for another call.
ALAN
That's fine. [fades CALLER down] I've got to say, it makes me laugh when I hear people say 'Vee Double-You'. It's actually quicker to say Volkswagen! I mean, [gestures for SIMON to enter the studio] if I had a pound for every time I heard someone use an acronym that actually extended the syllable count, I'd be a... millionaire....
That's fine. [fades CALLER down] I've got to say, it makes me laugh when I hear people say 'Vee Double-You'. It's actually quicker to say Volkswagen! I mean, [gestures for SIMON to enter the studio] if I had a pound for every time I heard someone use an acronym that actually extended the syllable count, I'd be a... millionaire....
SIMON [interjecting]
...Billionaire, yeah!
Well, no, a millionaire. We've got John on line two. Hello, John!
CALLER #4
Hello, Alan.
ALAN
Where are you calling from?
CALLER #4
Home.
Home.
ALAN
Okay, and what have you got for us?
Okay, and what have you got for us?
CALLER #4
Well, I'd like to stick with Cromwell, please. I think he would drive a Golf 1.6 turbo diesel.
Well, I'd like to stick with Cromwell, please. I think he would drive a Golf 1.6 turbo diesel.
ALAN
Better! Much better!
CALLER #4
Yeah, he'd appreciate the economy, but also the build quality and would go for the standard interior because he wasn't at all flashy.
Yeah, he'd appreciate the economy, but also the build quality and would go for the standard interior because he wasn't at all flashy.
ALAN [writing it down]
Standard interior.... Hang on a minute! Standard interior.... Uh, carry on.
CALLER #4
Okay, and I also think that being a Puritan he'd approve of the functionality, while as a leader he'd appreciate the turbo engine.
ALAN [still writing]
Leader, leader, turbo engine. I'm liking this, John! I'm liking this a lot. I think ... this is the best call I've ... ever had.
Leader, leader, turbo engine. I'm liking this, John! I'm liking this a lot. I think ... this is the best call I've ... ever had.
CALLER #4
Thank you very much.
ALAN
Let's keep going. Optional extras?
CALLER #4
Cromwell was certainly no fool, he'd have parking sensors, front and rear.
Cromwell was certainly no fool, he'd have parking sensors, front and rear.
ALAN
Of course he would! Of course he would! You should call more often! Where are you based?
CALLER #4
I live in Surlingham.
I live in Surlingham.
ALAN
Do you ever go in the Woods End pub?
CALLER #4
Yeah.
ALAN
So do I. There's a great folk group there, sing on a Sunday night.
CALLER #4 [not that interested]
Right. I hate folk music.
ALAN
Oh. Well, I'd agree with you, but these are very funny. They're called Will o' The Wisp, they have humorous lyrics. They sing about the regulars. We should go for a drink there sometime.
CALLER #4
Ha ha! Yeah, maybe yeah!
ALAN
Sundays are always good for me. [pause for response, it doesn't come] John?
Sundays are always good for me. [pause for response, it doesn't come] John?
CALLER #4
Yeah?
ALAN [sensing he's heading down a cul de sac]
By the way, what did you have for Henry VIII?
By the way, what did you have for Henry VIII?
CALLER #4
Oh, Range Rover Vogue 4.6, petrol. Sage green with a Saddle Tan interior.
Oh, Range Rover Vogue 4.6, petrol. Sage green with a Saddle Tan interior.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, and yes! Haa! Of course he would! In the cool-box, in the centre of the compartment, he'd have his chicken drumsticks...
SIMON
Six pack of mead!
[SIMON and CALLER #4 laugh]
ALAN
Yeah, six pack of mead. Some mints. In the glove box, he'd have his gauntlets. And he's going to need all that room, for Anne Boleyn, Cardinal Wolsey, and probably a court jester.
SIMON
Ooooh, I don't think he'd have Anne Boleyn and Cardinal Wolsey in there, to be honest. They despised each other! More likely he'd have...
ALAN
Would they?
Would they?
SIMON
Yes! He'd have Cromwell in the back whispering in his ear, probably!
Yes! He'd have Cromwell in the back whispering in his ear, probably!
ALAN
Oliver Cromwell?! He wasn't born for another fifty years! Eejit!
Oliver Cromwell?! He wasn't born for another fifty years! Eejit!
CALLER #4
I think he meant Thomas Cromwell.
SIMON [laughing]
There's more than one Cromwell, Alan!
There's more than one Cromwell, Alan!
[SIMON and CALLER #4 laugh, to ALAN's chagrin]
ALAN
I know! I know there's more than one! Dozens of Cromwells! Look in the phone book! I've got a friend called Cromwell! Actually he's called Cresswell. I'm meant to call him back. Thanks, John!
I know! I know there's more than one! Dozens of Cromwells! Look in the phone book! I've got a friend called Cromwell! Actually he's called Cresswell. I'm meant to call him back. Thanks, John!
CALLER #4
Can I just say hello to... [ALAN fades him down, done with him]
Can I just say hello to... [ALAN fades him down, done with him]
ALAN
Erm, er... [floundering] ...and the winner of that was Louise, in Diss, for her suggestion for Elizabeth.
[ALAN starts a station ident JINGLE as he takes his headphones off]
JINGLE
North Norfolk... Digital!
ALAN [to SIMON]
Yeah, that was good, that was, um... It's good, it's- I like it when you chip in.
SIMON
Oh, cheers....
ALAN
...Yeah, and probably best, next time you do it, just jot it down on a piece of paper and just slide it under my nose.
SIMON [interrupting]
Really?
ALAN
...And I can decide whether to give it the green light... For you to say it, I might say it myself. You know?
SIMON
Okay...
ALAN
And, er... because that Cromwell bit didn't really work then. [turns his back on SIMON to fiddle with the computer]
SIMON [sheepish]
No. [pause] Sorry, Alan. I thought...
ALAN
No, no, I was just looking at some texts. [awkward pause] Ah, yeah. Yeah, you should probably... you should probably go on holiday with that guy and just talk about... different historical novels or something like that.
[ALAN presses a button, he's back On Air]
ALAN [jocular]
Ha ha ha! Absolutely! If you've just joined us, I'm here with Sidekick Simon having a bit of banter!
There we go. [presses button]
Sidekick Simon, Sidekick Simon! Sidekick Simon, Sidekick Simon!
[cut to black]
ALAN
Yesterday's quick-fire phone-in only yielded three calls. My mistake, I think panel-beating was too narrow a topic. So today we're going to open it out with the question, what is the best thing? What's the best thing of all? So far we've got Sky Plus; a cup of Brazil nuts, that was amusing; livestock, valid; and Wet Wipes, that was a fascinating call from an elderly lady in Hempton. Let's have some more, line two!
CALLER #5
The first smile of a new-born.
ALAN
Ah! Who could not like that? [to SIMON] Who could not like that, though?
Ah! Who could not like that? [to SIMON] Who could not like that, though?
SIMON
Herod?
ALAN
Yes, Herod! That's right, because he was a baby killer.
SIMON
He enjoyed... yes, he killed lots of babies.
ALAN
He did. We don't like him! Line four, Sean!
He did. We don't like him! Line four, Sean!
CALLER #6
Oh, it's got to be, it's got to be... your radio show, Alan!
Oh, it's got to be, it's got to be... your radio show, Alan!
ALAN
Oh, you- I have no need... you've saved me a lot of money on toilet paper now because you've already done the job for me, as it were!
Oh, you- I have no need... you've saved me a lot of money on toilet paper now because you've already done the job for me, as it were!
SIMON
You're an arse-licker!
ALAN [irritable]
Yeah, alright, obviously, that's the implication! You know? Line six, Stewart?
CALLER #7
It's sliced bread!
It's sliced bread!
ALAN
What about sliced bread?
CALLER #7
Sliced bread, it's the best thing, isn't it? Because that's what people say, they say it's the best thing, sliced bread is!
Sliced bread, it's the best thing, isn't it? Because that's what people say, they say it's the best thing, sliced bread is!
ALAN
Well, that's a phrase, but it's not actually the best thing, is it?
Well, that's a phrase, but it's not actually the best thing, is it?
CALLER #7
Can I have a t-shirt?
Can I have a t-shirt?
ALAN
No! No, of course you can't! That's- that's not- That's just a turn of phrase.
No! No, of course you can't! That's- that's not- That's just a turn of phrase.
CALLER #7
Yeah, but it's the best thing, isn't it? Because that's what people say, they say the best thing is sliced bread.
Yeah, but it's the best thing, isn't it? Because that's what people say, they say the best thing is sliced bread.
ALAN
I know they say that, I'm familiar with the phrase, but it's just a turn- it's not literally true!
CALLER #7
Then why do people say it? Of course it's true! Sliced bread is the best thing, "It's the best thing since sliced bread"...
ALAN
Because it's not... If you keep saying it, Stewart, it's not going to make any more sense!
SIMON
We all know the phrase, mate!
ALAN
We all know the phrase! It's just an idiom!
We all know the phrase! It's just an idiom!
CALLER #7
You're an idiot.
ALAN
No, an idiom, not an idiot!
CALLER #7
You're an idiot.
ALAN
No, you're an idiot for not knowing what 'idiom' is. It's clearly confused you, because you think I've just substituted the T with an M, you smupid gim! Or you momal mwam!
No, you're an idiot for not knowing what 'idiom' is. It's clearly confused you, because you think I've just substituted the T with an M, you smupid gim! Or you momal mwam!
[SIMON writes something down and shows it to ALAN]
ALAN
Or... what have you got? Or, yeah, you're a compleme cunm! [ALAN grimaces]
CALLER #7
Well, I think you're a prick!
Well, I think you're a prick!
ALAN
Right, get rid of him! [fading CALLER #7 down] Sorry about that. I should have knocked him off more quickly, I wasn't quick enough, I apologise...
Right, get rid of him! [fading CALLER #7 down] Sorry about that. I should have knocked him off more quickly, I wasn't quick enough, I apologise...
CALLER #7 [interrupting, still on the line]
And a dick!
ALAN
Shit! [pressing a button] Right! Right, well, he's gone now, but I'll continue to speak my mind about him. Stewart, I've got to say, I think the Clifton Suspension Bridge was built for people like you, the fact that you can drive cars across it is a bonus. So do the decent thing. And leave the keys in your car so someone can shift it afterwards. And please don't call in saying I'm encouraging people to kill themselves.
Shit! [pressing a button] Right! Right, well, he's gone now, but I'll continue to speak my mind about him. Stewart, I've got to say, I think the Clifton Suspension Bridge was built for people like you, the fact that you can drive cars across it is a bonus. So do the decent thing. And leave the keys in your car so someone can shift it afterwards. And please don't call in saying I'm encouraging people to kill themselves.
SIMON
Again.
ALAN
Yeah. I'm suggesting that one person... throw himself off Clifton Suspension Bridge because he is, and hopefully soon-to-be was, a very unpleasant individual. A bit like... Jamiroquai!
SIMON
Yeah.
[ALAN fades up Jamiroquai as we fade to black]
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