2005: Auction & The Milky Bar Kid

[ALAN walks on stage to loud applause]

ALAN

Aha! Alright. That's enough. That's enough! Okay. Well, tonight is going to be a tremendous evening! It's been okay so far, but it's going to get better, because I'm here. Only a couple of disappointments, Michael Flatley was going to be performing a ten-minute bare-chested extract from Lord of the Riverdance, but unfortunately during rehearsals he snagged his tights on a nail, fell off the stage and died. There'll be a minute's silence for him later on, it's up to you if you observe it. You might want to combine it with a trip to the loo. Kill two birds with one stone.

Even sadder than the news of the tragic demise of Mr. Flatley is that we've actually run out of Comic Relief t-shirts, more on their way tomorrow. There's actually been some concern that the t-shirts were being manufactured in Taiwanese sweatshops by small children. I've made some enquiries and I've been assured that the T-shirts are top quality. The children know exactly what they're doing, they have a very intensive training programme, personally supervised by Richard Curtis. I hope that allays your fears. 

Now, there are several celebrities who unfortunately couldn't make it tonight. Jay Kay, the hat-wearing pretend-environmentalist from Jamiroquai, has said he'd love to help out, but he's watching himself being interviewed on Men and Motors and can't be arsed to set the video. So, fair enough, at least he's honest. Brian McFadden won't be appearing because, well, we didn't ask him. 

There are... Lots of celebrities have helped us, done a great and kind service of donating personal possessions for auction. I, for one, am donating a pair of my Umbro running shorts. Like a lot of memorabilia, they've seen better days. The stitched-in genital hammock finally gave way last week as I was reaching up to change a lightbulb. If there was anyone standing below, it must have looked like there were two more lightbulbs! And, er... and a penis. 

Laurence Llewellyn-Bowen has given... Actually, sod him. I want to starve that man of the oxygen of publicity. And the oxygen of air, for that matter. Actually, what did he send us? [listening on his earpiece] His autobiography and one ticket for the Ideal Homes exhibition. The f'cking nerve! He's a kind of Adam Ant, isn't he, for Daily Mail readers? 

Lot Three is Roger Daltrey's garage door, one of a pair, that's going to be auctioned later. It's been in Loot for five weeks and he can't shift it. He's invested in a new traditional garage door, which is light-sensitive to the approach of his Volvo XC90. He's asked me specifically to mention Volvo.

Ian McShane's original leather jacket from Lovejoy, that's being auctioned. It has a reserve price of 85p. Right Said Fred have sent us a t-shirt. We didn't ask for them to send anything, so I think it's just a desperate bid for them to get back in the limelight. I won't bother auctioning that, actually. I'll just drop it in at the Scope shop on Monday. I won't make a special trip, it's on my way, I'm going to see my sister. She's a bit depressed, she's just had a hysterectomy.

Now, this is a charity evening... I actually do quite a lot of work for charity. I've done a lot of work for the homeless, or tramps as they used to be called. I was actually made homeless myself a few years ago, my wife locked me out of the house and I had to spend five hours wandering around John Menzies. Let me tell you, it gets pretty lonely out there. But I learnt a lot about life... and other things like caravanning, fishing, antique collectibles and soft porn. 

But the traditional image of the tramp has changed. For example, they're no longer all Scottish. Actually, when they were all Scottish, I went to Scotland to see if all their tramps were English! But no, they were all Scottish. A bit of a wasted journey. Sadly, though, a lot of homeless people are on drugs like E's and heroin, which is quite sad. Although the only heroine I'd like to inject myself into is the lovely Kate Adie, who, no doubt right now, is smuggling herself into Afghanistan disguised as a woman. Anyway, back to Graham on the other rostrum. 

[cut to later segment ]

ALAN

Now, it's very fashionable these days in comedy to talk about the past, the '70s and the '80s. Who remembers Maltesers? Hilarious. Now, I love chocolate, and while we're on the 'Topic' of chocolate, here's a face you may recognise from a long time ago. Please welcome the original Milky Bar Kid, Jonathan Pearce. 

[JONATHAN walks on, dressed very drably]

ALAN [singing the jingle]

The Milky Bar Kid is strong and tough, but only the best is good enough. The creamiest milk.... We all loved the song! You've changed, haven't you, eh? Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, the Milky Bar Kid, aha.

JONATHAN

Ah-[coughs].

ALAN

Sorry, were you clearing your throat, or were you actually saying aha? 

JONATHAN

I was clearing my throat. 

ALAN

Can you just say the aha and get out of the way?

JONATHAN

Aha. 

ALAN

Cheers. Now, what can I say? Who can forget 25 years ago, we all used to love the Milky Bar ad with the lovely song implying you were strong and tough, when in fact you were just an undersized blonde boy with glasses. But we all loved your catchphrase, "The Milky Bars are on me!". What have you been up to since?

JONATHAN

Well, I've been up to quite a lot, actually. The Milky Bar time was a lot of fun, you know, people used to shout the catchphrase across the street at me and stuff, but the sheen began to wear off, and by the time I was 12, I'd started to drink. I had a terrible time, the acting really dried up, I got a job as a cabin boy in Poldark but by the time I was 15, my father had stolen all my money and left me with about two hundred pounds. I used that to buy a guitar to form a band, which didn't work, so I sold the guitar to buy some drugs. By the time I was 25, I was selling my body for sex. 

ALAN

Jesus Christ.

JONATHAN

I guess the lowest point for me... 

ALAN

Oh god, there's more!

JONATHAN

..was I moved into a hostel, and I was befriended by a man called Peter, who was a wonderful man, perhaps the first man in my life to ever not take me for granted or take advantage of me, and I paid him back by breaking into his room and stealing all his money, [breaking down] and I broke his heart. I broke his heart!

[JONATHAN sobs loudly]

ALAN [singing the jingle]

"The Milky Bar Kid is strong and tough, and only the best is good enough...". We've fallen at the first fence here, haven't we? You sold yourself for sex? 

JONATHAN

Yes, I did. It was a very, very dark time of my life, yes. 

ALAN

Well, we've all done things we regret. I once tried to kiss Barbara Dixon in a lift. Now, when you... Did you ever wear the Milky Bar Kid costume when you were whoring? 

JONATHAN

I did, as a matter of fact, yes, I did. 

ALAN

And did you say the catchphrase? 

JONATHAN

When the client had finished, I did, yes. 

ALAN

What did you say?

JONATHAN

I said, "The Milky Bars are on me!". 

ALAN

I can see how that would work, yeah. Let's change the subject. How's your life now? 

JONATHAN

It's better, it's better. I feel a lot better. I have my own place now, and hopefully soon, fingers crossed, I'll have a boyfriend.

ALAN

You're gay?

JONATHAN

Sorry? 

ALAN

You're gay?

JONATHAN

Yes, I'm gay, yes.

ALAN

Cool, cool. Two gay guys, go for it. Sorry, I'm panicking, I don't know any gay... gays.

JONATHAN

Graham Norton's gay. 

ALAN

Is he? I'd had absolutely no idea! God, this is... you really can't tell these days, can you? Amazing! Well, let's talk about that, because certain words have been reclaimed by the gay community, haven't they, as positive terms, because now it's all right to say 'queer' and 'sausage jockey'.

JONATHAN

Well, no. No, you can't say sausage jockey. 

ALAN

Really? Aaw.

JONATHAN

Well, it's a matter of, it's context, you see. I was coming out of a bar recently, and a man went, "Oh, look, there's a big queer!". 

ALAN [laughing]

A marvellous sense of humour!

JONATHAN

No, Alan, I was offended. 

ALAN

Alright, okay. Now, what do you do to relax? I don't mean poppers. 

JONATHAN

I like to go clubbing. 

ALAN

Okay, here's a hypothesis. I'm a gayman. I'm in a bar, with other men dressed in cowboy gear, called, I don't know, 'Okla-homos'. I've been tripping The Light Fantastic. I'm sweating. I spot a chap, he looks at me in that way. We agree to go back to his flat, put on some music. I suggest Steeleye Span, he wants something light, we compromise on Seal. You can cut the atmosphere with a carving knife, it's electric. The atmosphere, not the carving knife. His feathers are dripping...

JONATHAN

His feathers? 

ALAN

Yes, he's dressed as a Native American, I forgot to mention that earlier. He rips off my chaps. He insists I use a condom, a dickie jacket. He refuses, I insist. He threatens me with a tomahawk. 

JONATHAN

Alan, what's your point? 

ALAN

I don't know, I've lost... my track. But let's talk about the golden period, when you were the Milky Bar kid on our screens. 

JONATHAN

No, well I don't... I don't really want to, to be honest, Alan. It was a very dark time for me. I had a breakdown, I turned to... 

ALAN [interrupting]

Stop talking about your personal problems! Put this hat on and sing the song.

JONATHAN

No, I don't want to!

ALAN [forcefully]

It's for Comic Relief, do it!

[JONATHAN, against his will, puts the hat on]

JONATHAN [singing]

"The Milky Bar kid is strong and tough, and only the best is good enough. The creamiest..." 

[joining in, ALAN goes to touch JONATHAN on the arm, he recoils]

JONATHAN [deeply upset]

Don't touch me! Don't touch me! I just want someone to be my friend.

ALAN

I'll be your friend. 

JONATHAN

Will you? 

ALAN

Yes, I'll be your friend.

JONATHAN

Can we go on a caravanning holiday? 

ALAN

I don't know, I don't have a caravan. 

JONATHAN

You do, I saw it, you live in it. 

ALAN

It's static, it can't be towed.

JONATHAN

What are you telling me, you can't get a caravan?

ALAN

[sighs] All right, look, I've got contacts. I'm like that with the editor of Caravanette magazine. I can get access to a Monza Buccaneer for five days.

JONATHAN

You're so beautiful, you don't even know it! Where shall we go? 

ALAN

The Lake District. There's a campsite near Crummock Water. We can go hiking. 

JONATHAN

I'd like to do more than hiking.

ALAN

Well, let's just play it by ear. The Milky Bars are on me. Not like that. Back to Gray... Graham.

thanks to couchtripper