MMM S02E01B: Radio Play

JINGLE
Traffic and Travel, sponsored by Castrol. 

ALAN

T and T on the A17, a truck has overturned, shedding its load of Pampers over both carriageways. Sounds like the set-up to a joke, doesn't it?

SIMON
The police don't yet know which skid marks are... 

ALAN

Just to stop you there, there has been a fatality. 

JINGLE

North Norfolk Digital.

ALAN

Later on, we'll be talking about corner shop fizzy drinks and asking what part of 'Multipack Not To Be Sold Separately' don't they understand? And talking of fizz, I've got to give a big shout-out to our new MD, Craig Felbridge, who this morning was absolutely fizzing with ideas. He was like a one-man SodaStream! Honestly, I felt so... 

SIMON

Carbonated. 

ALAN

Exactly! Yeah, my head was going, you know, pip-pop-pop, pip-pip-pop-pop, pop-pop-pop-pop, pip-pip-pop-pop-pop...

SIMON

He's going crazy!

ALAN

...pip-pip-pip-pip. Pip-pip-pip-pop-pop-pop-pop. Pip-pip-pip-pip-pip-pip-pop-pop-pop. Pop-pop-pop-pip-pip-pip-pop. 

SIMON

Er, Alan?

ALAN

You know, yeah, you get the picture. But what a speaker! 

SIMON

Yeah, brilliant.

ALAN

You know, twenty percent Steve Jobs, ten percent Jesus, fifty percent Peter Sissons, a splash of Gandhi, no need to measure that. If you were a quarter of the man he is, you'd be twice the man you are, and that still makes you an eighth of a very impressive man. That's not my opinion, that's fractions.

SIMON

Thank you, fractions. 

ALAN

Okay, time for some music. This band is the words I said to my girlfriend last week on her birthday. UB40... Four. 

SIMON

I've never seen you like this. I thought it was because petrol prices had gone down. 

ALAN [suddenly excited]

Have they? 

SIMON

No.

ALAN [deflated]

Oh. Anyway, this guy Craig is one sod of a good MD! He wants new ideas, he said everyone's opinion is valid!

SIMON
Right.

ALAN
In fact, I think I've written it down somewhere. 

[ALAN rifles through an exercise pad, pages filled with handwritten notes and diagrams]

SIMON

Is that it? 

ALAN

Yeah, there.

[ALAN shows SIMON a page of notepad, blank except for one sentence on the top line]

ALAN

There. You know, he said everyone's opinions are valid, even the bin men's. Although that may have been a joke.

[CUT TO: off-air, ALAN in on the studio landline, SIMON leafs through a brochure of Norwich]

ALAN

Craig, it's Alan. Yeah, I know you're busy. I just wanted to... I'm going to talk very fast, I just wanted to say I loved the meeting this morning, Craig. I sat there and I just thought, I didn't know it was actually possible to make a 9am meeting... almost beautiful? And I mean that because what you'll find out about me is I don't mince my words, any communications from me will be completely un-minced! It'll be solid. But sliced. I mean, manageable, but still identifiable as some sort of meat.  

No, you said you wanted ideas. And and and after the meeting I was so fizzy I decided to email you about this play I've written. And...

Really? Oh, Craig, that's great! Thank you.

You will- you're not going to regret this, Craig! This is really... I've written loads of episodes, Craig. I'll tell you about them another time, but the last one is very good, it's got an argument in a car park...

No, you're busy, Craig. Craig, Craig, Craig. It's fine, you're a busy man, Craig. Craig, Craig, you're a busy man! Okay, okay. Oh, and Craig, sorry if I've been using your name a bit too much.

OK, bye, Craig. I mean, bye. [ALAN puts the receiver down firmly, wincing at his Craiging]

[CUT TO: back on-air]

JINGLE

Sidekick Simon's Cryptic Confectionary! [shave and a  haircut, two bits]

SIMON
I am chocolate placed on Saddam's head. 

CALLER: ELAINE

Er, Bounty? 

SIMON

Yes! Stop shouting about my little bubbles.

CALLER: ELAINE

Wispa?

SIMON
Yes, yes, you'll be bowled over by my coloured pellets. 

CALLER: ELAINE

Skittles!

SIMON

Skittles is right! And final question. You wait all day for one of my nougat stroke chocolate concoctions then three come along at once. 

CALLER: ELAINE

Oh, er, Double De-

ALAN

Can I ask you a question, Elaine? 

CALLER: ELAINE

Er... 

ALAN

Do you like drama on the radio?

CALLER: ELAINE

Well [nervous laugh] I don't hear many of them to be honest, Alan.

ALAN

Then let me tell you a story. It's Boxing Day, 7am, and I am in the David Lloyd showers when a muscle-merchant wanders over to me and offers me some talc. I cup my hand and he gives me a mound. I pat it around and as the plume settles, he looks at me and says, "Why is there no drama on regional radio?". I said, "Sebastian, I'm ashamed to say I don't have an answer to that question", and I ran home at top-speed and wrote a play for radio! It was only the next day that I realised I'd left my car there.

SIMON
I didn't realise you fancied yourself as a playwright. 

ALAN

I don't fancy myself, I'm not John Inverdale, but I've wanted to be a play-writer for ages. So, Elaine, would you like to hear a radio play?

CALLER: ELAINE
Well, yes. [in the background: "Did you win?"] I'm not sure.

ALAN [fading ELAINE down]

Thanks, Elaine. So, please stay tuned because later on we will be presenting the world premiere of A Chill Breeze Or A Glowering Glassblower This Way Comes because everyone has a story in them, don't they? You have a story in you, I'm sure.

SIMON
Yeah, I do. I've been trying to write a short story about how I tracked down my real mum. I mean, I wasn't surprised really at how she reacted. She's got a new family now, so I don't blame her if she doesn't want to...

ALAN [interrupting]
Exactly! Everyone has a story in them. But right now, with the time at midday:midday, or 12:12, let's have some music. They perfectly describe the council's proposal to build affordable housing on greenbelt land. This is Madness. 

[cut to black]

ALAN

And now on North Norfolk Digital, Partridge Playhouse presents A Chill Breeze or A Glowering Glassblower This Way Comes. Britain's cows have started lying down in different directions, causing rural panic. The government appeals for calm, but maverick scientist Jim Hannigan suspects foul play. 

MAN

Professor Hannigan? Professor Hannigan?

PROFESSOR HANNIGAN

Yes? 

MAN

Are you the esteemed professor, Professor Hannigan? 

HANNIGAN

Last time I checked my lanyard.

ALAN
That's Hannigan, sharp as a tack. 

MAN

This is of the utmost secrecy! If the scientific community knew I was even approaching the man they'd ostracised... how can I be sure it's you?

HANNIGAN

You notice I shook your hand quite badly...

MAN

Of course! You're missing fingers.

SIMON

What's happened to his fingers?

ALAN

Hannigan's fingers are based on a guy I knew used to work the engine crane at Longbridge, and they're supposed to wear gauntlets... [gestures to keep listening]

[at a cocktail party, the background chatter is so tightly looped, we can hear the word "Remarkable!" in the background every couple of seconds] 

DOOLEY

A London cocktail party with the cream of the world's scientific minds. Yet one still can't get a decent glass of wine. 

ALAN [gesturing to the current speaker]

John Glynbourne. 

SIMON

John Glynbourne, yeah! Whatever happened to him?

ALAN

He got caught having a bubble bath with a boy in the '90s. So his confidence has taken a bit of a knock, but he's still very good and his rate's have gone through the floor!

DOOLEY

Hello, Hannigan. 

HANNIGAN

Professor Jim Kelvin Hannigan, if you don't mind! 

SIMON

It's you playing Hannigan?

ALAN

Yeah. A few actors read for the part, a guy called Mark Rylance? 

SIMON

Yes.

ALAN

He was spectacularly good, but he wasn't Hannigan.

DOOLEY

Professor Hawking is driving over to us now. 

ALAN

In the end, I got the part. 

PROF. STEPHEN HAWKING [sounds like the robots from the old Smash adverts]

Good evening Mr. Dooley.

DOOLEY

Hello, Professor Hawking.

HAWKING

You know, your waistline is like the universe. 

DOOLEY

How do you mean? 

HAWKING

It's ever-expanding.

[the room bursts into laughter at HAWKING's joke. In the studio, ALAN laughs also, but SIMON doesn't]

ALAN

You know the universe is ever-expanding? 

SIMON

Yeah. 

DOOLEY

I don't have to stand for this! I'm going over there. 

HANNIGAN

Nice one, Hawks! Sometimes I wish I was disabled, but clever with a robot voice!

[cut to black, we re-join later in the play, where HANNIGAN is driving home with a lady]

HANNIGAN

We should be at my Norwich penthouse quite soon, my garlic beauty! Were it not for this damn traffic... 

FRENCH WOMAN

I cannot wait!

JINGLE [on car radio]

Traffic and travel... 

HANNIGAN

Driver, turn up the radio.

RADIO

Due to a major incident, all roads in and out of the south of Norwich have been shut by police...

[producer SARAH enters the studio]

SARAH

Er, what the hell's this?

ALAN
Hello, Sarah. Do you know what the red light outside means? 

SIMON

No girls allowed!

ALAN

Broadcasting.

SARAH
Who said you could play it?

ALAN
Craig. Who said you could pass around a sponsorship form for your daughter's fun run?

SARAH
What was that last bit?

ALAN
Oh, that was just part of the drama.

SARAH

But people might think it was an actual traffic report. 

FRENCH WOMAN

I've seen the way you look at me. Your eyes devour me.

SARAH

What is this, anyway?

HANNIGAN

And my groin burns for you. 

ALAN

Just, you know, romantic subplot. All good dramas have them.

HANNIGAN

I'm going to kiss you, so you'd better open your mouth very wide! Mmm, yeah.

SARAH
Clear up that traffic report now, or I'll have you taken off the air.

ALAN
Fine. And put me down for fifty quid if your daughter manages to heave herself round the course, I take that back.

HANNIGAN

Mmm, yeah. 

ALAN [speaking over the recording]

Mmm. Actually, I've just had a traffic report... on my text. Mmm. It says that the only road closed into Norwich is in actual fact the A417. Other than that, everything's clear as a bell. Yep, that's your travel. Oh, that's nice. Let me just slip these socks off.

HANNIGAN

...Slip these socks off.

FRENCH WOMAN

You like my French underwear?

ALAN
Happy now? 

HANNIGAN

Take your top off. 

ALAN

That was Hannigan, not me.

HANNIGAN

Goodness me, you're busty. 

ALAN

Again, Hannigan, not me. 

SARAH

This is ridiculous!

HANNIGAN

Come here, sit on my lap. 

FRENCH WOMAN

But I haven't got any knickers on!

HANNIGAN

That's okay. I discarded my underpants ages ago!

ALAN [putting his headphones on]

I'm going to spin on. [to mic] This is Alan Partridge. We're a little short of time, so I'll summarise to the end of the scene. Hannigan and Sarah make love. Hannigan more than satisfies her, his missing fingers are no impediment to this because he has these implements that he screws on. He has a toy box which he pulls out from under the bed. I'll skip that. Next morning, they wake up. They do it again. Again, he satisfies her, again, the toy box. So we join them post-brunch trying to find a way around the police roadblocks, the fictional police roadblocks. 

HANNIGAN

We need to get to the field with the lying down cows. I'm going to go off-road.

COW #1

Moo. 

COW #2

MOOO!

ALAN

I do all the animal noises. 

COW #3

MooOOO-wooo!

FRENCH WOMAN

Are you sure the car will manage it?

HANNIGAN

You've never driven a Range Rover, have you? It's pretty much the only car you'll ever need. Range Rover!

SIMON
Hang on a sec, are you promoting Range Rover?

ALAN
No. [studio phone rings, ALAN picks it up] No, I'm not promoting Range Rover. No, I know the rules.
The guy happens to drive a Range Rover. End of.

FRENCH WOMAN

So what do you think of the Range Rover anyway?

HANNIGAN

In a word... 

ALAN [speaking over the recording]

Ambivalent. 

HANNIGAN

I've never felt so...

ALAN

Neutral. 

HANNIGAN

...About a car. 

FRENCH WOMAN

And how much do they cost?

HANNIGAN

Less than you might think! You can drive one off the forecourt for twenty... 

ALAN

MOO!

HANNIGAN

...nothing to pay for three years!

SARAH [re-entering the studio]
Alan, I've spoken to Craig. You've got one more minute and then it comes off. [she seats herself on the banquette]

ALAN

Fine. [to mic] Hello, I'm going to spool on to the final scene. It's a press conference, the next day. Dooley thinks he's going to humiliate Hannigan, but Hannigan is ready to play his ace. It's ace, listen. 

DOOLEY

And in conclusion, I can now end this press conference by saying there is no proof whatsoever of alien life. And if there are no more questions, this press conference will end in five, four, three, two... 

HANNIGAN

There is one, actually!

DOOLEY

What? Damn it! It's Hannigan! 

HANNIGAN

If someone did produce evidence, wouldn't that prove you... quite wrong?

DOOLEY

Where is this evidence? 

HANNIGAN

It's here, in this jar.

DOOLEY [amongst general cries of terror]

Good God! It's like some f'kin jelly with eyes!

ALAN

And so the plot, like hot gravy, thickens! Let us know what you think of A Chill Wind Or A Glowing Glass View... You know the rest. [SARAH leaves] And, yes, the inbox has gone crazy! "Best play ever!", says Jill. John in North Walsham says, "I'm sure at the idea stage, it was great", thanks very much, John! 

SIMON

Toby in Walsham says, "I think theatre is just for poofs and women". 

ALAN

Well, it's not for everyone, but do keep your views coming in. Now, though, some music. This is Various Artists.

[fades up Soley Soley by Middle of the Road, cut to black]