2001: Alan Partridge vs. Tony Maloney
[we're in an inner city boxing club, ALAN stands with TONY MALONEY, the club's proprietor, behind them, two men are sparring in a boxing ring while others watch from the sides]
ALAN
This is Tony Maloney.
TONY MALONEY
Tony Maloney.
ALAN
Tony Maloney, who runs the gym here. Tony Maloney, stole a pony.
[TONY shoots ALAN an aggressive glance]
ALAN
Sorry, just having a bit of fun with your name. Anyway, Tony, you're the chap that runs t'violent establishment, tell us a bit about what's going on here.
TONY
Well, this is an amateur boxing gym, Andrew, and what we do is we...
ALAN [interjecting]
It's Alan. Alan.
TONY
We're boxing... We're box... What?
ALAN
It's just Alan. Alan's my name.
TONY
We're boxing tonight for Comic Relief, we're doing a 24-hour sparring session. The lads are doing relays, as you can see. And boxing behind me, Stuart and Craig are doing a bit, you know, and it's just trying to raise money. These lads, I mean, they've been dealt a bad hand, and what boxing does, it's just giving... That's what I like to do, you know, we're just setting them in the right direction. Myself, I mean, I was inside for a few years...
ALAN
You were in prison?
TONY
Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, I mean, I've had a past, and like one of these lads, I'm trying to make sure that they don't have a past.
ALAN
I'm with you.
I'm with you.
TONY
They've got a future, Craig's mam's got behavioural problems.
ALAN [losing interest, toying with his clipboard]
Yes.
Yes.
TONY
That's what I'm saying. What?
ALAN [trying to keep it light, imitating a Yorkshire accent]
Eeyup!
TONY
Eeyup? What's all that about?
ALAN
I'm just saying...
TONY
We're not Yorkshire!
ALAN
I know.
TONY
It's Manchester, flower.
ALAN [starting to get a little panicked that he's losing control of the segment]
I know. I'm just...
TONY
What's that, eeyup, aye-up, what's all this?
ALAN
I'm having a bit of fun with the accent. Comic Relief, having a laugh.
I'm having a bit of fun with the accent. Comic Relief, having a laugh.
TONY
You're being a dick- dickhead, if you want my opinion!
ALAN
I'm trying to raise some money for Comic Relief...
TONY
You're taking the piss!
ALAN
You, clearly, have been inside for something...
[NEIL, a middle-aged man in a red fleece enters from the left]
NEIL
Sorry mate, there's a brown Toyota blocking me van in. Do you know whose it is?
TONY
What?
ALAN [trying to move the MAN away with his clipboard]
Can you stand... just move out of the way?
TONY [shouting to all in the club]
Brown Toyota blocking outside!
ALAN
It's my car! It's not a brown Toyota, it's a coffee-coloured Lexus. I'll shift it afterwards, we're doing a bit for Comic Relief...
TONY
Shift- it's Meals on Wheels, this! Get it shifted!
ALAN
What? Well, I'm trying to feed... This is live television, it's for Comic Relief....
TONY
I couldn't give two shits, I've got a Meals on Wheels outside for the pensioners, get it moved!
ALAN
Well, I'm trying to feed people who are starving.
TONY [getting increasingly agitated]
Neil's trying to feed people that are starving!
ALAN
They're not starving. They're just... a bit hungry.
TONY
You want to go around shitting on the old people now?
You want to go around shitting on the old people now?
ALAN
No I do not!
TONY
Get him given your keys!
ALAN
All right! Michael? Michael, can you move my car, please?
TONY
He's pissed him! What's his game?
ALAN [reaching into his pocket for his car keys]
Okay...
TONY
It's a boxing club, not a circus!
ALAN
I know, it's not a circus, [hands his keys to NEIL] there's my keys. You can move my car.
TONY
[to NEIL] Up and at 'em.
[TONY turns back towards ALAN, getting aggressive now]
TONY
Do you know what it's like...?
ALAN [increasingly aware that he's lost control]
I'm... I'm trying to... I'm trying to do a report for Comic Relief.
TONY [squaring up to ALAN]
I'll tell you something now...
ALAN
I need to go back to the studio, I've been told that we can't go back to the studio. [to someone off-camera] Can we go back to the studio?
TONY
Listen to me. You've had it on a plate. You've had it on a plate, you boy, haven't you? Do you know what graft is? Up at six o'clock in the morning, it's pitch black outside. Rolling up with flask under your arm, doing a day's work, coming home it's pitch black again. you never see the daylight, that's a dream that.
ALAN
I have worked, actually, in an orange juice factory when I was a student.
TONY
Orange juice. Orange juice! Orange juice. What's all that, then, is that graft is it? You've had it all on a plate, I heard you before, on the phone, talking to your friends, 'I might get a chat show out of this', eh? That's what it's all about! That's what it's all about, isn't it?
ALAN [taken aback that his duplicity has been revealed]
You shouldn't have been listening to a private conversation...
TONY
I've got one lung, my friend. I've got one lung, count 'em, one lung...
ALAN
One lung?
TONY
...Has it held me back? Has it?
ALAN [pointing at TONY]
I'm trying to do...
[TONY grabs ALAN's finger and pulls it down forcibly]
ALAN
Hey!
TONY
Get back! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yes, yeah. One lung. Has it held me back?
ALAN
I didn't take your lung away.
TONY [gesturing to the boxers]
I could go ten rounds with them boys.
ALAN
Yes, so could I, I could go to ten rounds with them.
TONY
Could you?
ALAN
Yeah.
TONY
Could you? Pick a lad, then. Let's see it, pick a boy.
ALAN [pointing to the closest boxer]
Him.
TONY
Him. Let's see a bit of that, then. Let's see you, and him, in there. Put that on your show.
ALAN
I will spar them. And if you don't stop being aggressive, you might go back to prison.
TONY [holding his index finger and thumb a centimetre apart]
You are that far away from getting f'king head-butted! D'you hear me?
[ALAN nods, nervously. There's no backing out now]
TONY [threateningly]
Yes. Oh yes.
ALAN [nervously smiling to camera]
Jonathan. Later on, I'm going to be sparring, in there, with a young boxer and trying to clear the air and restore the atmosphere, which has gone rather sour! So... Jonathan.
[Alan gestures to go back to the studio as we fade out]
[fade in, ALAN is in boxing gear, red shorts, gloves and helmet and a yellow vest]
I'm Alan Partridge. I'm at a sports facility where I've been goaded by a fat, damaged man with one lung into battling, for charity, in a boxing ring. I don't know much about it, but... [kisses and blows on his gloves] I'll give a bit of the old one-two-three. Is that a move? I don't know. We'll see about that. In the ring. Wish me luck.
[ALAN climbs into the ring where one of TONY's boys is waiting. At first ALAN is nervous, keeping his distance at the very edge of the ring, leaning back to avoid jabs]
RINGSIDE AUDIENCE
Go on PAT, lad! Go on!
[momentarily distracted by looking around with a bemused expression, ALAN takes his chance to give him a punch. The boxer returns with a low punch and then high one knocking ALAN down]
AUDIENCE [cheering]
He's down! Get him! Come on!
[On repeated helps back up to his feet, ALAN keeps limply falling over in an attempt to avoid being hit himself, and before long MICHAEL climbs in the ring to assist, forcing TONY to climb in also to redress the balance. What follows is an awkward, floor-based, four-way punch up, MICHAEL reaches for his Town Crier costume bell]
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