MMM S01E12: The Man with the Child in his Eyes
JINGLE
[ZOE] Spanning the length of the alphabet from A to Z, it's Alan and Zoe. [ALAN] But mainly Alan! Hrmph!ALAN
You're listening to Mid Morning Matters with Alan Partridge and, my little pocket ray of sunshine, Zoe Scott.
ZOE
Speaking of sunshine, Alan, have you treated yourself to a sunbed last night?
Speaking of sunshine, Alan, have you treated yourself to a sunbed last night?
ALAN [tanned and defensive]
No.
No.
ZOE
What about a spray tan?
What about a spray tan?
ALAN
Um... I don't think so.
Um... I don't think so.
ZOE
Hm. Morning! Morning, everyone, you're listening to M-M-M, with Z-S and A-P, or ZAP!
Hm. Morning! Morning, everyone, you're listening to M-M-M, with Z-S and A-P, or ZAP!
ALAN
You've got such a lovely, engaging way with people, you really have. Seriously, it really is very commendable.
You've got such a lovely, engaging way with people, you really have. Seriously, it really is very commendable.
ZOE
Thank you.
Thank you.
ALAN
OK, today's...
ZOE [simultaneously]
So, coming up we've got...
ALAN
Do you know what? We're like an old married couple!
Do you know what? We're like an old married couple!
ZOE
Yeah, pretty soon we'll be bickering all the time. You know, you'll be drinking too much...
ALAN
Hey, yeah, and then you'll get jealous of my career and run off with a fitness instructor! No, thanks, been there, done that, got the T-shirt. Well, actually she got the T-shirt. Got the shirt off her back, really did! Fucking witch.
Hey, yeah, and then you'll get jealous of my career and run off with a fitness instructor! No, thanks, been there, done that, got the T-shirt. Well, actually she got the T-shirt. Got the shirt off her back, really did! Fucking witch.
[cut to black]
CALLER #1
Well, I just found that when she strayed from historical fact into the realms of conjecture, I was all too aware of the author's hand, you know, and that took me out of the story. Apart from that, I thought it was a very good first effort.
ALAN
Yeah, I've got to say, I'm a little surprised, Crispin. I found that Mantel's main characters are scorchingly well-rendered, and the sharp-clawed machinations are presented with non-stop verve in a book that can compress a wealth of incisiveness...
Yeah, I've got to say, I'm a little surprised, Crispin. I found that Mantel's main characters are scorchingly well-rendered, and the sharp-clawed machinations are presented with non-stop verve in a book that can compress a wealth of incisiveness...
CALLER [interjecting]
Eh?
ALAN
...into a very few well-chosen words.
CALLER
That's just word-for-word what it says on the back of the book!
ALAN [fading CALLER down]
That's my Book of the Week, that's Hilary Mantel's Wolf Hall [wolf howl] Can't wait to get my teeth into that, it sounds great. [to ZOE] Oh, do you know what? If I'd known you were going to wear this kind of pink, I mean, I know enough about colours to know this pink clashes with that pink, correct?
That's my Book of the Week, that's Hilary Mantel's Wolf Hall [wolf howl] Can't wait to get my teeth into that, it sounds great. [to ZOE] Oh, do you know what? If I'd known you were going to wear this kind of pink, I mean, I know enough about colours to know this pink clashes with that pink, correct?
ZOE
It's not clash.
It's not clash.
ALAN
It's just not quite the same. This is raspberry, definitely. How would you describe that?
It's just not quite the same. This is raspberry, definitely. How would you describe that?
ZOE
I would say that's like strawberries and cream.
I would say that's like strawberries and cream.
ALAN
It is like... It's like a strawberry milkshake.
It is like... It's like a strawberry milkshake.
ZOE
Yes, it is.
ALAN
I would drink you dry! I would drink you dry. [imitates sucking the last vestiges of milkshake through a straw]
ZOE
Very good!
ALAN
Very good!
ALAN
I'm down to your boots!
ZOE
Oh, God. Okay!
ALAN
Can I have another?! I'm still thirsty!
Oh, God. Okay!
ALAN
Can I have another?! I'm still thirsty!
ZOE
Alan, you do really remind me of my dad! You know, you'd really like him!
ALAN
Well, I love dads. I am a dad! I've got a dad. Well, I had a dad.
Well, I love dads. I am a dad! I've got a dad. Well, I had a dad.
ZOE
What was he like?
What was he like?
ALAN
What was he like, my dad? I remember one birthday he brought me this big red cake in the shape of...
What was he like, my dad? I remember one birthday he brought me this big red cake in the shape of...
ZOE
A space rocket?
A space rocket?
ALAN
No...
No...
ZOE
A train?
A train?
ALAN
No.
No.
ZOE
Football?
Football?
ALAN
No, it was a... rectangle. And I remember he came up and said, "Delivery for Mr Partridge!". I was so excited, I banged into the table and, oops, the cake went everywhere!
No, it was a... rectangle. And I remember he came up and said, "Delivery for Mr Partridge!". I was so excited, I banged into the table and, oops, the cake went everywhere!
ZOE
Oh!
Oh!
ALAN
My dad walked up to me in his blue '60s drainpipe suit, with the red bow tie he insisted on wearing, and he said... he said, "You will never amount to anything!". He said, "You're that to me!". Imagine saying that to a seven-year-old kid!
ZOE
Alan, that's terrible!
ALAN
ALAN
That's not the end of the story, because as he turned round to storm off, he slipped on the cake, legs went flying, banged his head and he needed eleven stitches! And I was glad! [awkward pause] This is a little itty-bitty of Scritti Pollitti!
[ALAN fades up a record, ZOE is lost for words, cut to black]
ALAN
What have you got on your iPod, Zo?
What have you got on your iPod, Zo?
ZOE
I have got a bit of Mumford & Sons, a bit of Kings of Leon.
I have got a bit of Mumford & Sons, a bit of Kings of Leon.
ALAN
Do you like Kate Bush?
Do you like Kate Bush?
ZOE [shrugging]
It's all right.
ALAN
All right?! She's got more talent in her little finger than I've got in my entire arms! It's the sheer versatility of her lyrics. Yeah, I'll give you an e.g... E.G. [singing] "Oh, he's here again, the man with the child in his eyes". That could be... [annoyed] "Oh! He's here again! The man with the child in his eyes!". Or, erm... [gossiping housewife] "Oh, he's here again! The man with the child in his eyes!", a camp one.
ZOE
Yeah, I like it!
ALAN
[suspicious and afraid] "Oh... he's here again... the man... with the child in his eyes". Or... [matter of factly, announcing to several others] "Oh! He's here again! The man with the child in his eyes!". See, it's quite versatile.
ZOE
Okay, but how do you think she actually meant it?
ALAN
[heartfelt, emotional] "Oh, he's here again, the man with the child in his eyes".
[heartfelt, emotional] "Oh, he's here again, the man with the child in his eyes".
ZOE
That one was about you, Alan.
ALAN [choked up]
This is Terry Jacks' Seasons In The Sun.
This is Terry Jacks' Seasons In The Sun.
[ALAN fades up the record, cut to black]
ZOE
Alan, I was thinking about you last night.
Alan, I was thinking about you last night.
ALAN
Oh! Are you sure this isn't something we should be discussing over dinner?!
Oh! Are you sure this isn't something we should be discussing over dinner?!
ZOE
Do you remember, we got onto the subject of boots and you had never heard of Uggs.
Do you remember, we got onto the subject of boots and you had never heard of Uggs.
ALAN
Well, I don't know what young people are wearing these days! I'm over 40, for goodness sakes!
I mean, I thought you were talking caveman language, "Ugga-bugga-lugga!", or some sort of witch-doctor voodoo! Sort of, "Ooh, bugga-bugga, me meant lady-leg, with blood from monkey and milk from... 'nother monkey". Well, time for Traffic And Travel.
JINGLE
I mean, I thought you were talking caveman language, "Ugga-bugga-lugga!", or some sort of witch-doctor voodoo! Sort of, "Ooh, bugga-bugga, me meant lady-leg, with blood from monkey and milk from... 'nother monkey". Well, time for Traffic And Travel.
JINGLE
Traffic and Travel sponsored by Bulldog Conservatories.
[off-air, headphones come off]
ALAN
Oh, God! Oh, I got this, um, dinner I'm supposed to be having with this boring but very important friend of mine who's, er... Yeah, he's got the whole of the franchise for the Norfolk Range Rover dealership.
ZOE
Wow!
Wow!
ALAN [stretching]
And Cambridge! For his sins. By the way, if you ever want to borrow a Range Rover, give me six months' notice and I can organise it like that [clicks fingers].
ZOE
Great.
Great.
ALAN
Er, no charge. I mean, just, yeah, don't take it outside mainland UK, or exceed five-hundred miles... Bring it back with a full tank. And obviously, you know, organise your own insurance. You're over 25, right?
Er, no charge. I mean, just, yeah, don't take it outside mainland UK, or exceed five-hundred miles... Bring it back with a full tank. And obviously, you know, organise your own insurance. You're over 25, right?
ZOE
Yeah.
Yeah.
ALAN
Well, that's what I said! I said "She's over 25...", I said, "She looks younger, but she's over 25!". So, yeah, just, you know... But apart from that, fill your Uggs. What did you want it for again?
ZOE
Um... I don't?
ALAN
Oh, yeah, it was my idea, wasn't it? [mimes shooting himself in the head]
ALAN
Oh, yeah, it was my idea, wasn't it? [mimes shooting himself in the head]
ZOE [tapping the mugs]
Erm, top up?
Erm, top up?
ALAN [mimes bullet leaving the other side of his head]
Er, yeah. Yes, fill your... Well, I said that... fill your mugs!
ZOE
Very good!
ALAN
Yeah, he's, yeah, like I say, he's a big cheese... poo in a, you know, in a pond... in a small pond. Big cheese in a small pond, is that it?
ZOE
Yeah, he's, yeah, like I say, he's a big cheese... poo in a, you know, in a pond... in a small pond. Big cheese in a small pond, is that it?
ZOE
Big fish.
ALAN
Oh, big fish, not cheese! What's wrong with you, you nutter? [mimes the gun in his mouth, exiting back of the head]
ZOE
ZOE
Ooh, again!
ALAN
Yeah, again. Two suicides.
ZOE
Busy day!
ALAN
Yeah, a busy day! Er, yeah, you really are like a breath of fresh air, Zoe. You're... honest to God, I mean, I... You could come in here in the morning, with a bulb of garlic stuffed in your mouth, two cloves in your ears, two stuffed up your nose and... No, just that, and you'd still have a breath of fresh air!
ZOE
Alan, if I wanted to ward off vampires, just use my crucifix.
Alan, if I wanted to ward off vampires, just use my crucifix.
ALAN [mimes a vampire recoiling in horror]
Ah! Aah! AAH!
Ah! Aah! AAH!
ZOE [leaving the studio with the mugs]
Alan, I'd just drive a steak through your heart!
ALAN
You already... ruddy have!
[INTERLUDE: While ZOE is out of the studio, ALAN surreptitiously tests the smell of his breath, reaches for a bottle of mouthwash and glugs a mouthful. Looking around for somewhere to spit it out, he swallows it, wincing]
ALAN
It's goodbye from me!
ZOE
And cheerio from me!
And cheerio from me!
ALAN
Er, that's all from Zoe and Alan on Mid Morning Matters when, once again, mid-morning mattered! [fades up Kate Bush] Lovely. Lovely. So, um... weirdest thing! I've just got a text from, um, my Range Rover guy...
ZOE
Mm-hm.
Mm-hm.
ALAN
His wife, um, has broken a kneecap.
His wife, um, has broken a kneecap.
ZOE
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
ALAN
I know! So, he just called me all at sixes and sevens. I said, just forget about the dinner. Um, I mean, high-powered, you know, mutually lucrative business meetings are one thing, but what's more important is looking after the people you love.
ZOE
Aaw!
ALAN
Yeah.
Yeah.
ZOE
So, er, so what are you going to do instead?
So, er, so what are you going to do instead?
ALAN
Um, I'll just go and finish off, um, reading The Lovely Bones. Yeah, it's, er, it's a sad book, but it's sad in a sad way.
Um, I'll just go and finish off, um, reading The Lovely Bones. Yeah, it's, er, it's a sad book, but it's sad in a sad way.
ZOE
Need a box of tissues by the bed.
Need a box of tissues by the bed.
ALAN
Already got a box of tissues by the bed.
Already got a box of tissues by the bed.
ZOE
Alan, do you ever just want to, you know, drop it all and just run off into the distance?
Alan, do you ever just want to, you know, drop it all and just run off into the distance?
ALAN
I do sometimes have a fantasy where I just get on the next plane to the US and I retrain as an air marshal. Yeah. Sometimes I think I'd love to see out my days, you know, travelling back and forth on US domestic airlines whilst carrying a concealed firearm.
I do sometimes have a fantasy where I just get on the next plane to the US and I retrain as an air marshal. Yeah. Sometimes I think I'd love to see out my days, you know, travelling back and forth on US domestic airlines whilst carrying a concealed firearm.
ZOE
Wow.
Wow.
ALAN
What about you?
What about you?
ZOE
Oh, totally! I mean, that's why I'm going travelling.
Oh, totally! I mean, that's why I'm going travelling.
ALAN
When?
When?
ZOE
Monday.
Monday.
ALAN
How long?
How long?
ZOE
Three months. Travelling Southeast Asia.
Three months. Travelling Southeast Asia.
ALAN
Really?
Really?
ZOE
Mm.
Mm.
ALAN
Oh.
Oh.
ZOE
Oh, I'll write you a postcard! You know, apparently the beaches are amazing...
Oh, I'll write you a postcard! You know, apparently the beaches are amazing...
ALAN [interjecting]
I'm gonna miss you...
ZOE
...They've got these huts, and you can just dive straight into the sea from your hut.
ALAN
Oh, splashing and splushing and... working up an appetite for a breakfast fit for The Man from Del Monté... Who was basically a quality-controller for a tinned food conglomerate.
Oh, splashing and splushing and... working up an appetite for a breakfast fit for The Man from Del Monté... Who was basically a quality-controller for a tinned food conglomerate.
ZOE
Yeah, and then seeing out the sunset with cocktails.
Yeah, and then seeing out the sunset with cocktails.
ALAN
Then curl up in a double-sized hammock and give each other a cuddle.
Then curl up in a double-sized hammock and give each other a cuddle.
ZOE
Yeah, I'd probably actually go out clubbing cos apparently there's midnight raves. Amazing!
Yeah, I'd probably actually go out clubbing cos apparently there's midnight raves. Amazing!
ALAN
Actually, I've just realised I've still got the reservation...
Actually, I've just realised I've still got the reservation...
ZOE [interrupting]
Oh my god! My flatmate has got my sunglasses. Alan, I'm really sorry, I've got a memory like a sieve!
ALAN
Just realised, actually, I've still got a reservation at the restaurant. Maybe we could just have a dine together?
Oh my god! My flatmate has got my sunglasses. Alan, I'm really sorry, I've got a memory like a sieve!
ALAN
Just realised, actually, I've still got a reservation at the restaurant. Maybe we could just have a dine together?
ZOE
Well, my friends have just texted and they've set me up on some ridiculous blind date with some doctor.
ALAN
Oh, right. Okay. Well, like I say, if you were at a loose end, that's all.
Oh, right. Okay. Well, like I say, if you were at a loose end, that's all.
[The Man With The Child In His Eyes fades up and we see through the window from the conference studio, ZOE with a coat and bag giving ALAN a peck of a kiss goodbye. She leaves the studio, leaving ALAN alone]
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