1994: BAFTA Production Awards

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AMANDA DONAHOE

Next we have a special award in the gift of the Academy, Best Sports Photographer, and who better to present it than BBC's new voice of sport on The Day Today, Alan Partridge!

[music, ALAN enters dressed like the cartoon villain of a Disney animated movie set in Wall Street during the 1970s]

ALAN

My lords, ladies and gentlemen, and viewers, thank you. Tonight is a special night, it's not about me Alan Partridge, it's not about Ken, it's not even about Ken's lovely wife Amanda. 

Now... Now, I've got my own TV show, starting in the autumn, it's called Knowing Me Knowing You, it's on Wednesday's BBC2, nine o'clock. That's not important tonight, because tonight is about the people we don't see. It's about makeup artists, cameramen, producers, directors... the little people. Without them, there would be no stars. There'd be no Kenneth Branagh, there'd be no Amanda Thompson, there'd be no Alan Partridge.

Question; could a cameraman host a high-profile TV show or star in a blockbuster video? Answer; no, of course not, it would be embarrassing! 

But let's let's flip the coin of that argument on its head! Could Alan Partridge operate 250-grams-worth of Steadicam? Well, yes, probably, but I haven't got the time, I don't have that window. So who does it? You do, and in this industry, which is a bit like a bottle of milk, you are the cream. You're gold-tops and you've got a lot of bottle, of milk, the Special Award for Best Sports Photography of 1994 is Mark Mavers... Mathers, Mathers!

[applause and music as MARK makes his way to the stage]

VOICEOVER

Well, Mark made his mark for the BBC in this year's Winter Olympics in Lillehammer, he also pioneered the use of fibre-optics in cricket and golf, consistently giving us new perspectives on sport!

MARK [accepting the award]

Thanks, uh... thank you very much. It's always puzzled me actually what people do with these things, maybe I'll take it home and use it as a fridge magnet....

[ALAN laughs]

MARK

...but uh seriously, when I and my crew...

ALAN [interjecting]

...fridge magnet!

MARK

...that's Dave Johnson - Big Dave - Mike Crace, Peggy Hannah, Tish Parnell, when we were all in Lillehammer...

ALAN

...I was there...

MARK

...I said to them then, and I'll say it again now...

ALAN

Do you remember me?

MARK

Yes. It's a cliché, but maybe that's why it's true...

ALAN

Sorry, I think I threw you there didn't I? Sorry, carry on...

MARK

...I couldn't have got the shots I did without the all-round excellence of my crew...

ALAN

Bravo!

MARK

...Excellence is something my father taught me, sadly he's not in such excellent health...

ALAN

Shame!

MARK

He's in hospital tonight. Dad, I know you're watching, get well soon! This is for you!

ALAN

Hear hear! What's he got?

MARK

[pointedly] He's got verbal diarrhoea. I must also say this; government cuts and rationalisation have affected us all. Basically this government has declared war on the BBC. They're cutting back, and cutting back, and cutting back. Let's get one thing clear, producer choice means no choice!

ALAN

Bollocks!

MARK

Thanks a lot, cheers.

[MARK leaves the stage, music plays]

ALAN

[over the music] No-one cares... [waiting for music to stop] No-one cares what you think, you're just a technician! All of you! Good night.

[music plays as ALAN leaves the stage]

KENNETH BRANAGH
Thank you to Alan Partridge and friend, alias Steve Coogan and Patrick Marber, for your invaluable contribution.