MMM S02E05A: Massage

ALAN

Look after the pennies and the pounds look after themselves! That was the magnificent Gary Barlow. Now, you may have noticed today's show has a more relaxing vibe than usual. It's mellow!

SIMON

Yeah, it's like warm Nesquik! 

ALAN

Like Sade, fast asleep on a lilo! That's because today we're stress-busting with a special show designed to soothe and relax. 

JINGLE

Calm down. Take it easy. Chill. Shush now. Come on!

SIMON

Because we all face stresses, don't we, Alan? From large stresses like having to diffuse an IED, wearing mittens in a creche... 

ALAN [laughing]

Well, to the stress I sense in you, Simon, when you're on the phone to your girlfriend saying, "I know, I know. I know, I know. I know".

SIMON
Do I do that?

ALAN
Yeah, furtive glances. A bit of advice for you, a little bit of advice, let them talk themselves to a standstill, tell them they're amazing, then slowly replace the receiver.

SIMON

So not dissimilar to diffusing a bomb. 

ALAN

Precisely. Except when a woman goes off in your face, it's devastating. Cut the wrong wire, boom! 

SIMON

Well, cut the right wire, boom! 

ALAN

Oh, yeah, yeah! I remember the other day I thought to myself, men and women are so different,

it's like we're from different planets! 

SIMON

Well, they say, don't they? Men are from Mars...

ALAN [interrupting]

Women are from Moon! 

SIMON

The Moon. 

ALAN

Yeah. So stay with us as we take our foot off the loud pedal, slow things right down, play only the most caramel of music, and chill out. This is Traffic and Travel. 

JINGLE [usual alarming tone]

Traffic and Travel, sponsored by Castrol.

[cut to black]

ALAN

Roger from King's Lynn emails to say, "I relax by driving fifty miles to an out-of-town Asda, where I wander the aisles dressed as a sexy woman. As I sashay around the store, I can hear people whisper, who the hell is that sexy woman?" The time is ten and a half o'clock. Coming up, some of you will see, but most of you will hear, my receiving a massage. Never been done before. Live on air.

SIMON

And do you normally receive massages, Alan? 

ALAN

I don't normally, although when I went to India, I had three in one week. 

SIMON

Ooh!

ALAN

One was with Hot Rocks.

SIMON

What were the other guys called? 

ALAN

Hey, you! Okay, we have actually tweaked some of the jingles to make them more chilled out. That's all right. 

JINGLE [pitched down and half speed]

Sidekick Simon, Sidekick Simon. Sidekick Simon, Sidekick Simon. Sidekick Simon, Sidekick Simon. 

ALAN

[during the JINGLE] That's alright? [after] Sorry, that was a bit sinister.

[off-air, ALAN is inspecting SIMON's map-print shirt]

ALAN

Can you get one of Suffolk?

SIMON
I think this is just a generic shirt. I don't think it's even real places.

ALAN
Those are real places. Of course, this would have been a branch line along here. This is just a footpath now. I've walked it myself. There should be a barn here. Could you just push your stomach out? There it is. 

[cut to black]

SIMON

And did you enjoy India? 

ALAN

I loved it. One of the best poor countries I've ever been to. 

SIMON

Right. And would you say, did you find enlightenment there?

ALAN

I did. I mean, some people describe it as being like a thunderclap, but for me it was more like the sound of, you know, Microsoft Windows opening up. 

SIMON

No, it's an amazing place. I went to India...

ALAN [interrupting]

Yeah. Yeah. Now there's some music from the artist formerly known as Prince, now known formally and informally as Prince. Sorry, it's Yazoo, I mean Yaz. 

[cut to black]

ALAN

Douglas in North Creake. Hello, Douglas.

SIMON

Hello Douglas!

ALAN

How do you relax? 

CALLER: DOUGLAS

Alan, I just sit around in my underpants. 

ALAN

Like Buddha.

CALLER: DOUGLAS

Yeah, except thinner. That Buddha looks like he puts too much Buddha on his crumpets!

ALAN

Ho ho! Not bad! He's after your job!

SIMON

Terrible! Terrible!

CALLER: DOUGLAS

Can I send in some sketches? 

SIMON

No!

ALAN

I'm sorry, Douglas. We only accept skits.

CALLER: DOUGLAS

What's the difference? 

[ALAN fades DOUGLAS right down]

ALAN

He's right about Buddha, though. I mean, any wisdom from a man who looks like he's on the cusp of type 2 diabetes, I'd take with a pinch of salt.

SIMON

Yes, something else he should probably avoid... 

ALAN [interrupting]

It's 11.34. 

SIMON

He's wise, but not about his calorie-intake. 

ALAN

Then again, intelligence and physical well-being don't always go together. Come down my gym and you'd meet a lot of people who are both fit and thick. 

SIMON

Yes, although in Buddhist countries, being overweight is often seen as a sign of success and well-being. 

ALAN

And in this country!

SIMON

Yes. 

ALAN

Eamon Holmes. 

SIMON

Eamon Holmes!

ALAN

You can imagine Eamon, can't you? Sprayed gold, sitting on a big throne in his underpants. Yes, I think he did that for his 40th. Beverley in Briston?

CALLER: BEVERLEY

Hello, Alan. You can find enlightenment in the most unlikely of places. I found it, would you believe, on the top deck of a bus and people say, how?

ALAN [cutting BEVERLEY off]
Thanks, Beverley, couldn't agree more! 

SIMON

It's never where you think it is. 

ALAN

No, no, it doesn't stop people looking, though.

SIMON

No... Noel Edmonds. 

ALAN

Yeah. 

SIMON

He's never found it.

ALAN

And he never will, never will. He is so jealous of anyone who's had an enlightening experience. He's been trying to buy it for years. Met all the gurus...

SIMON

Yes. 

ALAN

...bought all the books....

SIMON

Yes. 

ALAN

...What he doesn't realise is he won't find it... 

SIMON

...Until he stops looking for it.

ALAN

Bingo. And then there'll come a knock on the door in the shape of a vagabond, perhaps, wanting somewhere to rest his weary head or have a bowl of soup on a cold winter's eve. And over the broth, he and the tramp will exchange a few kind words and therein will lie the wisdom that Noel's been seeking. The tragedy is, of course, that if a vagabond does knock on his door, Noel will simply hit the panic button and retreat to the strong room. A steel shutter's come down over all the windows and the confused tramp is led away by a man with a walkie-talkie. And talking of lonely people, here is Helena Rigby by Beatles.

[off-air]

ALAN

I just realised I've been slagging off Buddhists. Might get a fatwa on our heads. 

SIMON

They're not Muslims.

ALAN

Oh, yes, of course. 

SIMON

These are Buddhists. 

ALAN

Yeah, sorry.

SIMON

Buddhists can't do anything. 

ALAN

Right. 

SIMON

Yeah. You can punch a Buddhist and they can't punch back. 

ALAN

Great. It's like Mickey Mouse at Euro Disney. Although if he gets you in the car park afterwards, he will leather you! 

[cut to black]

JINGLE

Chill. Shush now. Come on! 

ALAN

Welcome back. And if you've just joined us, I'm about to be massaged, live on air in what I believe is a radio first. 

SIMON

Well, Dave Clifton did do it last week. 

ALAN

Did he?

SIMON

Sort of. He had a shoulder rub from the weather girl. 

ALAN

What, the new one? With the hair? 

SIMON

No, Samantha. 

ALAN

Oh, right, fine.

SIMON
No, seriously, you must have had a few free massages in your time. Used to work at a television centre. 

ALAN

What do you mean by that?

SIMON

I just, you know... 

ALAN

Seriously, what, er... 

SIMON

No, I'm just joking about...

ALAN

Well, say it. 

SIMON

Say what? 

ALAN

Operation Yewtree. That's what you meant. All right, let's use this as an opportunity to clear things up. I have... I have only... I... I... The only thing I have ever done, which could be seen, by someone with a twisted perspective, as an historic sex offence is chase three members of Pans People around a television centre in my underpants, with them hooked over my shoulder for comic effect. As soon as I realised one of them was crying, I took that as a statement of cease and desist. I took the underpants off my shoulders, but I'd stretched them so much they'd lost their elasticity, so I had to hold them like a wheelbarrow whilst I looked for my trousers, which I'd lost in the...

SIMON
Melee?

ALAN
In the melee. In the end, I had to hook them back over my shoulders to free up my hands. I've still got the pants in my garage. I use them as a rag to check the oil. Can I have a glass of water, please? 

SIMON

Yes, of course you can.

[SIMON hands ALAN a glass of water]

ALAN

Thank you.

[CUT TO: a little later, ALAN is seated with a masseuse giving him a shoulder massage]

ALAN 

Heather has told me that a good masseuse should have hands that are both tender yet powerful, and I can vouch that her hands would be equally at home cradling a winged bird or hammering sheet metal in a yard. Ow! Sorry, I get a bit... I get a bit knotted at the start of the month when the direct debits are going out. That's a sports injury. 

SIMON

Wow. Which sport? 

ALAN

I was doing forward rolls. At speed.

SIMON

You mean roly-polies? 

ALAN

It's a standard SAS energy-dissipation technique. I'd love to see you call it a roly-poly in front of Andy McNabb! He'd knock you out! Yeah, it was Rotary Club barbecue at my best friend John Boyd's house. Beautiful story. I mean, some of the guys ran the barbecue, talking about property prices, girls inside making the salad. 

SIMON

...Then you started doing your roly-polies...

ALAN

And I started demonstrating the tuck-and-roll technique, but John's got quite a small garden because he's not done very well in his career, and I went headlong into the weighted base of a parasol.

SIMON

God! One of those metal things? 

ALAN

No, it's a plastic one filled with water. As I say, he's not done very well in his career. 

SIMON

Ouch! Sounds painful.

ALAN

Well, I dislocated my shoulder, but I just shut my eyes and let my body go into shock. 

[on-air, ALAN is stripped and on a massage table]

ALAN

You're listening to a mid-morning massage!

HEATHER [interrupting]

Can you please keep your head down?

ALAN

I've got to do the ident. It always reminds me of being born when I put my head through a hole. It's very hard to swallow. 

SIMON

Should place a spittoon down there. 

ALAN

Ha ha haa! Seriously, though, is there a mug or something? 

SIMON

I'll pop mine down. So, how are you feeling, Alan? 

ALAN

I'm very good. I've always been very good at letting the stress, you know, fade away.

SIMON

Yep.

ALAN

Which is why a lot of people hate me. But I just say, let them hate me. 

SIMON

Yes. Let that be their burden!

ALAN
Very wise. Let them get cancer. 

SIMON

Getting quite jealous, eh? Alan? Alan? 

[ALAN snores lightly while HEATHER keeps massaging, cut to black]

SIMON [on-air, presenting alone]

Tomorrow, Alan will be asking you to join his campaign against the £1 deposit for supermarket trolleys.
Alan's three solutions are... abolish, chip and pin or retina scan. Quick. 

[SIMON presses the slowed-down Sidekick Simon jingle as ALAN comes round, turning onto his back with his modesty protected by HEATHER's towel placement]

ALAN 

Sorry about that. I was just dreaming. I was walking along the Appalachian Trail. I got caught in a thunderstorm and we had to find shelter in an abandoned log cabin.

SIMON

So, who were you walking with? 

ALAN

Just me. Just me and Julia Bradbury.

[a little later, ALAN is back in his seat, swaddled in a bath robe]

ALAN

We've been contacted by a spokesperson for Noel Edmonds who's asked us to point out that Mr Edmonds has been a successful broadcaster for almost five decades, Noel's House Party, fifty million viewers, successful businessman, formats sold to eighty countries.... It's basically just a list of his achievements. 

I do have to read this, "Any views expressed about Noel Edmonds were those of Alan Partridge and not the station". Yep, totally agree with that. "Hope no offence was caused and we wish him well". Again, that's the station's view, not mine. I don't particularly, um, er... mind if I caused a small amount of offence. 

Whilst I don't wish him ill, I don't particularly want him to find any peace, if I'm honest. Now, though, a chill-out compilation I found at a car boot sale. It's fantastic. This is Glockenspiel Dreams.

SIMON

So you haven't quite found inner peace either then, Alan? 

ALAN

Well, I think you can find inner serenity and still hate people. I tried the olive branch, I  complimented him on his blouson leather jacket at Heathrow Business Lounge and I went to touch it, he just smacked my hand away and adopted the karate position. I just walked away.

SIMON

Did he get tasty? 

ALAN

No, no, just... 

SIMON

Leave him to it.

ALAN

No, he was following me. I could hear the clip-clop of his Cuban heels. Like being followed by half a horse.

[cut to black]