IAP S01E02: Alan Attraction

[Radio Norwich; Thunder and Lightning by Thin Lizzie fades down]

ALAN
Mmm! That was a nice, thick slice of Thin Lizzie! That was for my tireless PA Lynn, 50, who is as diligent and hard-working a creature that ever graced this world we call… Earth. It’s 4:39am, time to run yourself a big bath – it’s Chris Rea!

[title sequence; ALAN sipping a pint of bitter, “Very malty!”]

 

ALAN
Okay! There will be no Telephone Cluedo today because of a threat of a court injunction from the makers of Cluedo. It’s 6:58am.

[jingle; a cockerel crowing, followed by an "Aha!" and then a pronounced kissing noise] 

ALAN

Ha ha ha ha! That kissing sound wasn’t someone kissing me, or kissing a cock, it’s simply - a cockerel I mean - it’s simply a way of saying it’s Valentine’s day, a day on which Mr. Al Capone ruined a romantic night out for many diners by massacring them. Died of syphilis, he did, so there is some justice. Anyway, time for me now to hand over to a man who will hopefully will not be massacring anyone this evening or indeed killing them, er... with syphilis, is Monsieur David Clifton.

DAVE
Ah, Bonjour Monsieur Partridge, comment parlez-vous, Monsieur?

ALAN
Yeah, whatever. Did you get any Valentine’s cards this morning?

DAVE
Actually, Alan, I have to say, I came down this morning and I couldn’t open my door…

ALAN
Lose your key?

DAVE
I couldn’t open my door because I’d lost my key!

ALAN

Yeah, well, I did just say that. Anyway, Chocolate Oranges...

DAVE [interrupting]
Okay! It’s 7am, and we’ve got a good show lined up for you this morning –

ALAN [loudly inrterjecting]
Do you like chocolate?

DAVE 

Pardon?

ALAN 

Do you like chocolate?

DAVE 

Yeah, I love it!

ALAN 

I’ve really got to say this, Dave,

DAVE
Yeah?

ALAN
Chocolate Oranges are available for Rawlinson’s… that’s all.

DAVE
Okay! It’s 7am, and first of all we got China Crisis.

[King in a Catholic Style by China Crisis plays, fade]

[Linton Travel Tavern lobby, bedecked in light Valentine's Day frippery. On his way in ALAN passes BEN, coming in the other direction]

ALAN [to BEN]
Morning!

BEN [not even turning to acknowledge ALAN]
Alright.

ALAN
Sorry?

BEN [still resolutely facing forward]
Good morning.

ALAN
That’s the one! [to SUSAN, behind reception] Susan, is he new?

SUSAN
Yes, he started yesterday.

ALAN
Yeah, he just said "Good morning" with his back to me!

SUSAN
Oh, he’s Okay...

ALAN
No, it’s just I’ve never seen that done before. Anyway, Happy Valentine’s Day! How are you?

SUSAN
Oh I’m a bit tired. I need my beauty sleep.

ALAN 

Oh, you don’t need beauty sleep! Well, forty winks. Did you get the chocolate orange?

SUSAN 

Oh yes, thank you.

ALAN 

Good. You might find some superficial damage to the box, but the chocolate’s perfectly edible. I’ve given them to all the ladies I know aged fifty and under. Over fifty just seems sarcastic.

SUSAN 

Well I’m afraid I need to watch my figure.

ALAN 

I’ll watch it for you! With my little binoculars, woo! Mind you, I can’t talk, I’ve got a fat back.

SUSAN 

What’s that?

ALAN 

It’s a build-up of fatty deposits just above the belt-line. It’s fairly well concealed in casual clothing, but, er... you don’t want to see me in my underpants!

[SOPHIE appears behind reception and immediately has to deal with ALAN's innate ALAN-ness, she turns to hide her smirk]

ALAN 

Sophie, did you get your chocolate orange?

SOPHIE 

Yeah.

ALAN

I got you a dark chocolate one because I know you don’t like milk.

SOPHIE 

I do like milk chocolate.

ALAN 

Oh, right, well I could exchange it. I could talk to my chocolate people.

[having it surprisingly close to hand at reception, SOPHIE pops a damaged Dark Chocolate Orange on the desk]

SOPHIE 

Oh, yes please.

ALAN 

Right. Er, have you tampered with the wrapping?

SOPHIE 

No, but there is a bit of superficial damage to the box.

ALAN 

Don’t bother about the damage. They’re all damaged. Er, right. Have you kept it below room temperature?

SOPHIE 

I don’t think so.

[ALAN decisively slides the Chocolate Orange box back across reception towards SOPHIE]

ALAN 

Ah, right. In that case, I’m afraid you’ve invalidated the warranty. Above room-temperature it all congeals into one big dark-chocolate cricket ball, so I’m afraid your consumer rights no longer apply. I mean, you could try Watchdog, but I think they’ve got bigger fish to fry.

[BEN comes back in from the car park]

BEN 

Excuse me, are you Alan Partridge?

ALAN [with a smug, "I've been recognised" smile] 

Yes…

BEN 

You dropped this, your ID card. Radio Norwich?

ALAN 

Oh, right, thanks. [mimicking] Awroight?

BEN [mimicking back]

Good morning!

[BEN exits again]

ALAN 

Actually, Sophie, there’s an issue I’ve been meaning to raise for the last two weeks. You know those little soaps you leave in the bathroom? Well, they will withstand, at best, one aggressive body scrub. They start up the size of mini-Frisbees, and they end up like actual-size paracetamol.

SOPHIE 

Can’t you use two?

ALAN 

I suppose that might work…

[ALAN pops his canvas briefcase on reception and mimes washing himself while dual-wielding soap while SOPHIE looks on, trying to hide her embarrassed laughter]

SOPHIE 

I’ll just write that down.

[she turns away, silently laughing. SUSAN returns]

SUSAN 

Hello!

ALAN 

Hello Susan. Sorry, have I upset her?

SUSAN

No, she’s fine.

ALAN 

Right.

SUSAN 

Erm, Alan? Did you send Sophie a Valentine’s card this morning?

ALAN 

Oh God, no, no. I’m old enough to be her father! Well her older brother. Either way it’s incest!

SUSAN 

Ben, did you send Sophie a Valentine’s card?

BEN [knowingly, raising an eyebrow]

Well, I’m not at liberty to divulge that information!

[SUSAN and SOPHIE squeal and giggle together, BEN leaves]

ALAN 

You know, the fact that he made that jokey remark doesn’t necessarily mean that he actually sent you the card.

SOPHIE 

Did you send it?

ALAN 

No, I sent you a chocolate orange, but I had the decency to admit it.

SUSAN 

Oh, come on Alan. It’s just a bit of fun!

ALAN 

A lie is a lie.

SOPHIE 

Your PA’s here.

[LYNN is standing just behind ALAN]

ALAN 

Oh, hello Lynn. Shall we grab a pew?

[they walk over to a seating-and-meeting area to the side of the lobby]

LYNN 

Thanks for my dedication this morning. Very nice.

ALAN 

You’re welcome. You realise it was nothing to do with Valentine’s Day?

LYNN 

Oh, yes.

ALAN 

Right. What have you got for me?

LYNN 

Do you want to hear the good news or the bad news?

ALAN [tentatively]

The good news?

LYNN 

Well Rawlinson’s say you can have another fifty of the shop-soiled Chocolate Oranges if you plug them again tomorrow.

ALAN 

Excellent! And the bad news?

LYNN 

The accountants say that since you’ve definitely not got a second series at the BBC you’re going to have to sack everyone at Pear Tree Productions and close the office down, otherwise they’re going to declare you bankrupt on Friday.

ALAN 

Right. Still, good news about the chocolate oranges!

LYNN 

Now, Alan, you’re going to have to trade down your Rover 800 for a smaller car.

ALAN [wearily] 

Go on...

LYNN 

I picked up these brochures for the new Metro. It’s a lovely car. And if you do –

ALAN [interrupting, horrified] 

Lynn, I’m not driving a Mini Metro.

LYNN 

But you do have to make substantial savings!

ALAN 

Lynn, I'm not driving a Mini Metro!

LYNN 

But if you do, you can keep Pear Tree Productions going with a skeleton staff of two, and...

ALAN 

There’s no point finishing the sentence, Lynn, because I am not driving a Mini Metro!

LYNN 

But if you d-

ALAN 

Lynn! I’ll just speak over you!

LYNN 

But...

ALAN 

No! Go on, try and finish the sentence and see what I do. Go on.

LYNN 

With a skeleton staff of two...

ALAN [straight in, giving no quarter to the Mini Metro mutiny]

I’m not driving a Mini Metro, I’m not driving a Mini Metro, I’m not driving a Mini Metro!

LYNN 

No, no it’s different! It’s called a Rover Metro now.

ALAN 

They’ve rebadged it, you fool!

LYNN

Well, Alan, if you want a Rover 200 you’re going to have to sack everyone at Pear Tree Productions.

ALAN 

Fine.

LYNN 

Including Jill.

ALAN 

Jill. Lovely Jill. She’s my favourite. 

[LYNN looks disapproving]

ALAN 

But fine, I’ll sack her.

[LYNN smiles, gathering up the Mini Metro brochures]

ALAN

You smiled, then, Lynn.

LYNN 

No I didn’t.

ALAN 

Yes, you did. I can read you like a book. And not a very good book. Certainly not Bravo Two Zero by Andy McNabb, which actually improves with every read. No, you smiled because you don’t like Jill because she’s younger than you.

LYNN 

No she’s not. She’s fifty.

ALAN 

Well, so’s Helen Mirren.

LYNN
So's Benjamin Netanyahu.

ALAN 

You’re always going on about Benjamin Netanyahu! Let it go, Lynn, you’re never going to meet him! Right, I’m gonna get a spot of breakfast. Oh, quick tip, Lynn. You know the breakfast buffet? Eat as much as you like, but from an eight-inch plate? See that? Twelve inches! I keep it in my room! See you later!

[LYNN leaves in a flurry of Baptist disapproval. In the restaurant, MICHAEL is waiting]

MICHAEL 

Aye-aye, Mr. Partridge! Morning! Valentine’s Day today, eh? Love is in the air!

ALAN [translating] 

It’s Valentine’s Day today, and love is in the air?

MICHAEL 

Aye! Aye!

ALAN 

Oh! I’m getting the hang of this! Mind you, I have been here ten weeks.

MICHAEL 

So, are you having the full English breakfast?

ALAN 

Yes, please. Can I have my sausages burnt to a crisp, please? So that they can only be identified by reference to their dental records.

MICHAEL 

Okay! Either that or their fingerprints, eh?

ALAN 

Can you fingerprint a sausage?

MICHAEL 

Yeah, well, I suppose technically you could, aye.

ALAN 

I suppose if I was a burglar and I wanted to avoid detection I could strap sausages to my fingers. Probably survive a couple of break-ins before they started to fall apart.

MICHAEL 

Aye. Maybe just have, like, a beef-borger for your palm, you know?

ALAN 

No, I think that’s a bit too far-fetched. I really do enjoy these chats in the morning.

MICHAEL 

Oh aye.

[MICHAEL leaves. ALAN pulls his secret scam-plate from his case while looking around furtively]

ALAN [singing]

Eighteen 'till I die, I’m gonna be eighteen 'till I die…

[Pear Tree Productions offices, the staff anxiously await ALAN. MARTIN wears a Deacon Blue t-shirt, ooooo they're a good band]

ALAN 

Morning everyone. Morning Jill.

JILL 

Ahh. Thanks for the chocolate orange, Alan.

ALAN 

You’re welcome. Did you notice anything about the box?

JILL 

No.

ALAN 

Exactly. All the others had superficial damage. I paid for yours. All your segments were intact.

JILL 

Well they were when I looked this morning!

[ALAN and JILL snigger dirtily]

PETER

Alan? Have we got a second series?

ALAN [nervously, after a pause]

Yes.

[all six employees burst into cheers and mutual congratulations. JILL hugs ALAN and he clearly enjoys it]

BILL

I knew it! Well, I’ll go and get some champagne, shall I?

ALAN 

Actually, Bill, sparkling wine will be fine.

BILL

Well, whatever!

[BILL leaves]

JILL 

I’ll go and get some crisps and things.

ALAN 

Actually, Jill, pipe of Pringles will suffice.

JILL [stopping at the door, turning to ALAN flirtatiously]

Unless there’s anything else you fancy?

[ALAN emits a leering moan, LYNN disapproves]

ALAN 

No, just a pipe of Pringles is fine.

[JILL leaves and ALAN moves away from the rest of the employees, a worried look on his face. We cut to ALAN's imaginary lap-dancing club]

ALAN 

Would you like me to lap-dance for you?

[TONY HAYERS holds up a ten-pound note]

ALAN 

I want a second series.

TONY

I like your thong.

ALAN [matter-of-factly]

Yeah, it’s vulcanised rubber, which means it won’t perish.

[back at Pear Tree Productions]

MARTIN [putting a party hat on ALAN's head but he swats it away]
Wa-hey!

ALAN 

Bash your arse!

ALISON

Any more news, Alan?

ALAN 

No, he just said, "Second series in the bag, you’re all on board, details to follow", and erm… and who left this coffee cup here?

MARTIN

Sorry Alan, I meant to clean it last night.

ALAN 

Yeah, well, that’s not good enough. You’re sacked.

[the employees laugh, thinking it's a joke]

MARTIN

What?

ALAN 

I will not have uncleansed coffee cups in Pear Tree productions. The plague started from a mal-attended surface.

JASON

What are you doing, Alan?

ALAN 

You’re sacked, too.

JASON

Why?

ALAN 

Because, you do this all the time. [rolls his eyes and tuts]

JASON

What?! [rolls his eyes and tuts]

ALAN 

Yeah, see? You did it again! Yeah, you’re definitely sacked. Now, Alison, you’re a lady, I don’t want this to be unpleasant –

ALISON [interrupting] 

You’re sacking me as well?

ALAN 

Yes I am.

ALISON

You rotten shit!

ALAN

Yeah, well, you’re a rotten shit, too. Get your coat.

[sensing the growing hostility, ALAN moves towards the door and passes his car keys to LYNN]

ALAN 

Go go go go go go. Start the car.

[ALAN and LYNN leave, closing the door behind them. In an adjacent office, Alan dials into the conference line for the main room]

ALAN 

Hello, it’s Alan again. I’ve locked you all in the boardroom so you can’t get me, but you can leave by the fire escape. We haven’t got a second series, I just didn’t have the guts to say that earlier. It's a bit like doing my radio show, this, isn’t it? "You’re listening to Up With The Partridge. Aha! Bye!".

[the now ex-employees leave awkwardly down the wrought-iron spiral staircase leading from the fire exit, just as JILL returns with a pipe of Pringles and a Lion bar]

ALAN 

Ah, hello Jill!

JILL 

Why is this door locked?

ALAN 

To keep you out, you thief!

JILL 

What?

ALAN 

I’m being light-hearted. Shoot your chuff through that door.

JILL 

Right, I got the Pringles, and that’s for you. 

ALAN 

Oh, thanks.

JILL
Where’s everybody else?

ALAN 

They’ve… gone… to… Longstanton Spice Museum!

JILL 

Why?

ALAN 

I said, "Congratulations, you’ve got a second series", ummm... "We can’t celebrate with the Spice Girls, so why not get your arses down to the Spice Museum in Longstanton?".

JILL 

Oh!

ALAN [backing out of the door until he's only speaking through a narrow crack]

I mean, you know, it’s not just spices. No, it’s all about the spice trade.  They’ve got a model of a slave boat, it’s very big, and you press a button and you hear all the slaves going “Uuurgh!”, like that because, you know, they packed them in too tight. Listen, Jill, I really like you, but –

JILL

Oh I like you as well!

ALAN 

Oh, thanks.

JILL 

You’re packed in a bit tight!

ALAN 

Listen, just... just clear something up. You know when you make those sort of risqué comments, are you just flirting in that sort of crude way that middle-aged divorcees do, or do you genuinely like me... sex wise?

JILL 

Well, you know. You’re a man, I’m a woman…

ALAN 

That’s a relief. Your mind plays tricks.

JILL 

You’re quite successful. You’ve got a second series…

ALAN 

Oh. Ca- carry on.

JILL 

You’ve got needs.

ALAN 

Yes I have.

JILL 

I’ve got needs.

ALAN 

Good. Jill, is the answer to my original question, "Do you like me sex-wise?", is the answer to that yes, or no? Quickly.

JILL 

Yeah.

[vindicated, ALAN steps back into the room, adopting a proud stance with his hands on his hips]

ALAN 

I’m Batman!

[JILL giggles playfully as ALAN leers at her]

ALAN [sitting at a desk and opening his Lion bar]

Lion Bar?

JILL 

No. I prefer fingers!

ALAN 

Uh! Chocolate ones?

JILL 

I don’t mind, really!

ALAN and JILL

Woooah!

ALAN 

Jill, you are so dirty! It’s quite refreshing! You call a spade a spade. Actually you probably call it a big tool, wouldn't you?

JILL 

So what are we going to do together, then? Norwich is our oyster.

ALAN 

Hmmmm... Jill, do you like owls?

JILL 

They’re quite nice, I suppose, yeah.

ALAN 

I know a cracking owl sanctuary. How about it? Unless you can think of anything better?

JILL 

We could go shopping.

[owl sanctuary]

ALAN 

I like the Astroturf they place on the wood, there. It’s basically zero-maintenance grass. Useful stuff.

JILL 

Mmm.

ALAN 

You know, when I used to see you in reception...

JILL 

Yeah?

ALAN 

Do you know what I used to think?

JILL 

No.

ALAN 

I used to think "Ooh, she’s nicer than my wife!".

JILL 

What?! That’s terrible! That’s a terrible thing to say, Alan!

[a pause, then ALAN stands with his legs apart, hands on hips, back arched, and blows a raspberry]

JILL 

You’re mad, you are!

ALAN 

I know, I am a bit mad! [mock-aggressively preying on JILL] Hurgh!

JILL 

Get off!

ALAN [to someone off-camera] 

It’s alright. No, it’s alright. I was just portraying a madman. Alright.

[indoor section of the owl sanctuary, a selection of ornery birds are lined up tethered to perches]

ALAN 

It looks a little like death row, doesn’t it? "I’m sorry, Mr. Hawk. You’re pardon has been turned down. You have been found guilty of pre-meditated homicide of a mouse, and you’ll be hanged by the neck until dead. And don’t try to hover up so that the rope goes slack!". Because they could do that, couldn’t they? If you tried to hang a hawk, they could always hover so the rope went slack. So, I suppose if you were going to execute a bird of prey, the most humane way would be death by firing squad.

[ALAN's car]

ALAN 

Ah, that is the best Valentine’s Day I’ve had in eight years!

JILL 

What did you do eight years ago?

ALAN 

Er... I just had a better one.

JILL 

What did you do?

ALAN 

Went to Silverstone, shook Jackie Stewart’s hand. Superb! My marriage fell apart soon after that. Listen, Jill, there is a romantic buffet-supper at the hotel tonight, as much as you can eat for £6. I’ve got a scam going with a big plate. Do you fancy being my… co-eater… lady?

JILL 

Ooh! Yeah, Alan I’d like that, yeah.

ALAN 

Here, listen to this, it’ll blow your socks off.

[Alan plays Gaudete by Steeleye Span on the car stereo]

 

ALAN [singing along, gesturing to JILL at certain lines]

Christus est natus! Ex Maria! Virgine, gaudete!

[the Linton restaurant, JILL is enjoying a post-prandial cigarette while ALAN mops upo his big plate with a hunk of crusty bread]

ALAN 

Just give that a quick clean. Saves me doing it later.

[Ben approaches the table carrying a bucket of roses]

BEN 

Bonsoir. Would you like to buy a rose for the lady? It’s two pounds for Norwich Children’s Hospital.

ALAN 

I’ve already done something for them. Did an after-dinner with Bill Oddie.

[ALAN hands over £2]

BEN [handing a rose to JILL]

Voila. 

JILL 

Ah, thank you Alan! That’s really lovely.

ALAN 

Keep it, keep it. You can always get me something of equivalent value. A pint of bitter, big marker pen, whatever.

[MICHAEL comes to the table]

MICHAEL [handing JILL a desserts menu]

Have youse all done? Maybe like to order a dessert? 

JILL 

I’ll have a chocolate mousse.

[MICHAEL reaches for ALAN's plate but he grabs it back]

ALAN 

Whoa! Leave that there.

MICHAEL

Two chocolate mousses. On it’s way. 

ALAN 

I’m just going over there for a bit…

[ALAN goes to the stage where a small band, guitarist and keyboards, is playing. He takes the mic in hand]

ALAN 

This is a romantic tribute to a lovely lady over there with orange hair and a cigarette in her mouth... 

[the band starts to play Close To You by The Carpenters, as ALAN moves from the stage, mic in hand, to serenade JILL] 

ALAN [struggling to find the pitch]

Why do birds suddenly appear - that’s too high! - Every time… every time… time... you are near... near... Just like me… just like me… they long to be… close to you… why do…why do… why do… no, that’s not working. Well you get the general idea. Thank you.

[ALAN returns to his table, tail between his legs]

JILL 

That’s great, actually! I didn’t know you could sing.

ALAN 

Yeah, I used to be in the choir at primary school. Before it all dropped, in my pre-hair days!

JILL 

It’s all fallen into place now though, hasn’t it? 

ALAN 

Yup, I’ve been pubic for thirty... one years. I was one of the first in my class, actually.

[MICHAEL arrives with the desserts]

MICHAEL 

Eh, shift oot the way! Theere you go, two chocolate mousses.

JILL 

Ah, thank you.

ALAN 

Marvellous.

JILL 

I love chocolate.

[Alan and Jill lean closer together, face to face]

ALAN 

Yeah, so do I.

JILL 

Wispas...

ALAN 

...Aeros....

JILL 

...Ripples...

ALAN 

...Flakes...

JILL 

...Caramac.

ALAN 

It’s good this, isn’t it? Even though we’re basically just listing chocolate bars. Oh my God, Lynn’s here.

[LYNN approaches the table]

ALAN 

Lynn, what are you doing here?

LYNN 

Oh, Alan! More good news, I managed to negotiate a walnut gear-knob for your smaller Rover.

ALAN 

And you’ve come all the way out here to tell me about a walnut gear-knob?

LYNN 

Yes, well, I’ve been ringing you all day but your mobile was switched off.

ALAN 

Lynn if my mobile’s switched off, it’s switched off for a reason. I was at an owl sanctuary! I was worried that the ringing may have sounded like a mating call. I can’t have a bird trying to have sex with my phone. Why are you wearing that snazzy cardigan?

LYNN 

Oh, I just threw it on.

ALAN 

If you think you can upstage Jill by wearing that, you’re very much mistaken. Thanks very much for the gear-knob, and good night.

LYNN [to JILL] 

We’re in the same area, I wondered if you’d like to take a taxi back with me, you know, make a saving?

JILL  

Well…

ALAN 

No, Jill will be sleeping with me tonight.

JILL 

I don’t recall saying that!

ALAN 

Oh, come on!

JILL 

Yeah, alright then.

[ALAN shoots LYNN a smug "Told you so" look]

LYNN 

Okay. Have a good night, then!

ALAN 

I will.

[LYNN leaves]

ALAN 

I’ll go and get another half-bottle of champagne.

JILL 

Yeah, go on, then!

[ALAN gets up from the table and LYNN scurries back]

LYNN 

Could you give this to Alan? It’s fungal foot powder. Now, he’s got a condition, so make sure he rubs it in his feet last thing at night and first thing in the morning, only it just gets a little bit… smelly.

[LYNN leaves again, ALAN returns with a 35cl bottle of champagne.]

ALAN 

They’ve got some goat's cheese out there!

JILL 

Oh!

ALAN 

They’ve left it out a couple of hours so it’s had a chance to breathe. [takes the foot powder] Oh, she remembered, great.

JILL 

Why don’t we take these to your room?

ALAN 

My room! It’s over there, by the lift. Right, you link my arm, we’ll try and leave with some dignity.

[ALAN, sober as a judge, and JILL, had a bit of a skinful, get up and leave the restaurant, en route to the lift passing MICHAEL, SOPHIE, BEN and SUSAN]

MICHAEL 

Night night, Mr. Partridge. And your good lady!

JILL 

Michael.

BEN 

Good night.

SOPHIE 

Good Night.

ALAN 

Night.

JILL [giggling]

Good night!

SUSAN 

Good night.

ALAN 

Good night.

SUSAN 

Got your big plate, Alan?

ALAN [a mix of annoyance and shame that his scam is common knowledge]

Yes.

[ALAN's room. He emerges from the bathroom while JILL waits in the bed]

ALAN 

I wouldn’t go in there for a bit. Leave it about fifteen... leave it about fifteen minutes. I must say, I’m tremendously excited by all this!

JILL 

My sister’s got this bed linen.

ALAN 

Oh yeah? Does she live in a travel tavern?

JILL 

No, she’d like to. It’s nice, innit?

ALAN 

Nope, it’s a bloody nightmare.

[ALAN takes some change from his trousers and places it on the bedside table]

JILL 

Is that for me, Alan?

ALAN 

That? Oh God no! No, I always put my money there in the evening. No, if it was you could add a zero to that. It’s seven pounds six!

JILL 

Seventy quid?

ALAN 

Well, no, double it.

JILL 

It’s still cheap!

ALAN 

I’m not haggling! I mean I was trying to pay you a compliment, unless I’ve grossly misread the situation. It was my understanding in the lift that no money would change hands.

JILL 

I’m all yours!

ALAN 

Er, do you mind if I turn the light out?

JILL 

Well can’t you just dim it a bit?

ALAN Yeah, Okay... [gradually dims the light all the way down] ...bit more… bit more… how’s that?

JILL 

Yeah, that’ll do.

ALAN 

Right, let battle commence! Do you like me doing that? Shall I do it more quickly or shall I maintain the same speed?

JILL 

That’s fine.

ALAN 

Right. Shall I move on to the other one? Oh, that’s lovely. That’s first class! That is superb. Ooh, there you go, it’s all happening! Jill, I’m afraid I have no sheathes.

JILL 

No what?

ALAN 

Sheathes, er... prophylactics, you know... rubber johnnies. Actually, being your age and everything there’s probably no need for them. I’m talking about the menopau- woo-0oo! Jill you know your onions! Do you mind if I talk? It helps me keep the wolf from the door, so to speak. Jill, what do you think about the pedestrianisation of Norwich town centre? I’ll be honest I’m dead against it. People forget that traders need access to Dixoooooons! They do say it’ll help people in wheeeeeeeelchairs…

JILL 

Oh hang on, I’ve got an idea.

ALAN 

Jill, whoa whoa. Jill… Jill! What are you doing!? For God’s sake, Jill, what are you doing!? 

[ALAN gets up and turns the light back on, he's got chocolate mousse smeared on his face and across the hotel dressing gown]

ALAN 

Jill, God’s sake!

JILL 

Well I just thought I’d pour chocolate mousse over you!

ALAN 

You’ve got it on the bedsheets, you’ve got it on my dressing gown, you’ve got it on the valance…

JILL 

The what?

ALAN 

The skirt thing around the side of the bed!

JILL 

I thought it’d be erotic!

ALAN 

Oh, Jill! Mousse from a bowl is very nice, but to put it on a person is demented!

JILL 

Come on, it’s only a bit of chocolate!

ALAN 

It may be chocolate to you, Jill, but to an unwitting member of staff this could look like some sort of… dirty protest against the standard of service in the hotel, which I happen to think is very good. I mean, it’s not five-star but it’s certainly competitive.

[knock on the door]

ALAN 

Oh God.

[ALAN opens the door to MICHAEL]

MICHAEL 

Is everything alright, Mr. Partridge? I heard a bit of commotion.

ALAN 

No, no it’s fine.

MICHAEL 

Oh, right. Erm, do you know you’ve got chocolate on your face?

ALAN [matter of factly]

Yeah, I’ve just been eating some mousse.

MICHAEL 

Right, right, fine.

[ALAN wipes a bit of his cheek with a finger and licks it]

MICHAEL 

Aye, well, you’ve... you've missed a bit.

ALAN 

I’ll deal with it later.

MICHAEL 

Right, hey, it reminds me of this time, you know, we’d camouflaged ourselves up ‘cause we were doing jungle exercises, right, out in Belize, but…

ALAN [interrupting] 

Michael, can we talk about this in the morning?

MICHAEL 

Well, no, I won’t be on in the morning ‘cause I’m doin’ lates now, right, so I don’t come on until about two o’clock. So, you know…

ALAN 

Well, you know, 'when de boot comes in'.

MICHAEL 

Oh.

ALAN 

Now, er, booger off!

MICHAEL 

Aye, Okay. [military salute] Message understood, sir!

ALAN 

Stand down, at ease… [irate] you’re not in the army anymore!

[ALAN closes the door and once again feels a mix of embarrassment and shame]

[Radio Norwich studio, the next morning]

JINGLE

"Across the Ouse to the Waveney, this is Radio Norwich".

ALAN 

And now it’s time for Alan’s Love Bud.

[cut to a taxi, taking JILL home in the very early morning]]

ALAN [on the car radio]

This is a story of a woman, fifty, and a chap in his early forties. 

[JILL lights a cigarette and smiles, we cut back to ALAN in the studio] 

This woman enraptured this man, made him feel sixteen again. He thought, "I’m going to wear a t-shirt with Crowded House written on the front of it!". He thought, "Yes, I will buy that copy of Punch magazine". But then, she committed a gross act upon his person, which was tantamount to vandalism, and he realised that not only must they part company but that he must also sack her from her job as his receptionist. 

[JILL's face falls hearing this news for the first time] 

I didn’t mention that earlier, but part of the problem was that she did work for him and he had to sack her anyway. Anyway, he thanks her for that stolen afternoon, but even then it was stolen. It’s not your property, love, you’ve got to give it back. So just to re-emphasise one more time, her contract has been terminated. This is Hot Chocolate, It Started With A Kiss. In three minutes’ time I’ll be talking to Norfolk's youngest butcher!

[off air, ALAN badly sings along to the song, getting very animated for the line "You don't remember me, do you?". In her taxi, JILL looks annoyed and disappointed as the credits roll]