MMM S01E04: Wine, with Rosie Whitter

ALAN

You're listening to North Norfolk Digital, with Alan Partridge and my sidekick, Sidekick Simon! 

SIMON

And, er, Alan, one of my spies tells me that you were dining in a certain gastropub last night. 

ALAN [going along with the jocular nature of the questioning]

I did have dinner at the Boxley Wheatsheaf, I can't deny it.

SIMON

Yes, and a little bird tells me that you were not dining alone. 

ALAN [no longer jocular]

Hmm. 

SIMON

A friend of yours?

ALAN

None of your business, mate. 

[ALAN smiles and gives a cautionary nod to SIMON, indicating for him to drop it]

ALAN

Right, now, extinction! We're talking animals...

SIMON [interjecting]

Well, we're not talking animals! 

ALAN [laughing]

All right, we're not talking animals, no! Although the woman who does the weather is, if the graffiti in the men's toilets is to be believed.

SIMON
Steady, Alan! 

ALAN

It's all right, it's all right, I've not mentioned her by name, there are two of them. And anyway, I'm sure it's not true... Because what I read was pretty awful, actually. Yeah, no-one should have to read that. 

SIMON
And I'm sure she won't, it's in the men's. 

ALAN

Exactly. And if she does go in the men's, then maybe it's true. Just to be clear, we're taking calls on the question, if you could make one species of animal extinct, which would it be, and how would you do it? 

[SIMON hands ALAN a small piece of paper]

ALAN

Thanks, we've got a Steve from Swaffham emails to say, "I would make all flightless birds extinct by putting the world's bird seed on a shelf that's slightly too high for them to reach, thereby starving them to death". Thanks, Steve! 

[SIMON hands ALAN an sheet of A4 paper]

ALAN

We also have a fax here, thank you, a fax from Callum, aged nine, who's depicted his method of execution. And to describe it, it's kind of the Battersea power station lying on its side, with the chimneys acting as flamethrowers, wiping out the world's population of chimpanzees, and one of them's got a little bubble there saying, "Oh God, please no, don't burn us!". [turns the paper to the webcam] There it is. Very good that is too. And finally, we have a text from Ted in Fakenham, which simply says, "Cats. Hammers". Good! 

[CUT TO: POV from the adjoining studio]

NEWSREADER

...And a spokesman for the Norfolk Health Authority said, building on the ward would be completed by early 2012. And finally, a correction...

[back to ALAN's studio, where he pricks his ears up]

NEWSREADER

...While Alan was right to say that a typhoon is approaching Norfolk, it's actually heading to the American town of Norfolk, Virginia. The weather in East Anglia should be fine and dry, so slightly misleading there! That's all from me, and I'll be back in thirty. 

ALAN

He means minutes. 

NEWSREADER

What's that?

ALAN

You said thirty. Failed to specify the unit, you may have meant years. A bit misleading!

NEWSREADER

I'll be back in thirty years? 

ALAN

Ideally, yes!

NEWSREADER
[scoffs] I'll tell you what, Alan, if I'm still... 

ALAN [cutting the mic]

You're listening to North Norfolk Digital, Norfolk's- North Norfolk's best music mix. I'm joined by my comedic chum, Sidekick Simon!

SIMON [Cornish voice]
Mornin'! 

ALAN

Morning. What have you got for us today?

SIMON
I've got a number of ribald rib-ticklers for your delight and delectation! 

ALAN

He's going to be doing some jokes. It's Monday morning.

JINGLE [sombre bells, an anguished male voice]
No! No! No-o-o-o!

ALAN [laughing, gesturing SIMON to join in to lighten the mood]
I know the feeling, I do! Cheer up, me old mate! Because today on Love Luncheon, we're going to be throwing a little bit of light on the topic of English wine. What could be better than curling up on your favourite sofa, kicking off your shoes and socks, and sharing an expensive bottle of wine with the woman in your life? Or the man in your life, if you're a woman. 

SIMON

Or the man in your life, if you're gay.

ALAN
Oh, yeah, ab-ab-absolutely! Absolutely, yes. I will be the first to hold my hands up and say, in the past, circa 1983, I developed a fairly robust dislike for the gay community, but that was before I met Dale Winton and... I realised I had absolutely nothing to worry about! The man was a perfect gentleman, I actually spent three days at the Earls Court Boat Show with Dale Winton and Paul O'Grady and Noel Edmonds - he's not gay, but you get the picture. 

SIMON

I was going to say, Noel Edmonds always reminds me of a garden gnome...

ALAN [ignoring SIMON]
You know, if you'd told me twenty...  five years ago that I was going to be talking about rigid, inflatable hulls with Dale Winton, I would probably have spat at you. [to SIMON] Got any jokes about gays? 

SIMON

I have got a joke about gays.

[SIMON hands ALAN a piece of paper, which he reads and bursts into laughter]

 

SIMON
Do you want me to read it? 

ALAN

No! God, absolutely not! You can't read it. It's very funny, but it's quite hateful. Sidekick Simon.

[ALAN presses the button for the Sidekick Simon jingle and we cut to black]

[CUT TO: ALAN is joined in the studio by ROSIE WITTER, SIMON sits on the rear banquette]

ALAN

Delighted to say that we have here, from the British Wine Marketing Board, Rosie Witter! Lovely to have you here, Rosie.

ROSIE
It's lovely to be here, thank you!

ALAN
So what are you going to start us off with?

ROSIE
Right, well, we're going to ease you in today, Alan, with a merlot, which, believe it or not, is actually produced in Surrey! Now, this is a very versatile wine...

ALAN
Now, when you say versatile wine, what other uses can wine have apart from drinking?

ROSIE
Well, it means it can be drunk in many situations.

ALAN
Ah, right, so with some friends alongside... spag bol.

ROSIE
Yeah.

ALAN
Erm... on your own in front of Newsnight?

ROSIE
If you like, yeah!

ALAN
At the launch of... Sterling Moss' autobiography? 

ROSIE

Certainly. 

ALAN

It's that versatile? Really? That sounds like a very good wine. I like that wine. What else have you g-

ROSIE [interrupting]
Do you want to taste it? 

ALAN

Yeah, sure, why not?

ROSIE
So, the way to drink wine...

ALAN
I think I know how to drink wine, Rosie! I'll drink you under the table.

ROSIE
Well, I'm sure you could!

ALAN
Sorry, continue. I don't drink to excess. Carry on. 

ROSIE
Right, so, well, first of all, you swill the wine gently, and this just allows it to breathe.

ALAN
Oxygenates the wine.

ROSIE
Yes, that's right.

ALAN
I've known that for a while.

ROSIE
Oh, well, I'm very impressed! Then you take the wine up to the light. Hold it up to the light to check its colour.

ALAN
Yes.

ROSIE
So you can see there...

ALAN
That's a very nice colour... 

ROSIE
Very nice colour, and then...

ALAN
Red... Dark red.

ROSIE
Yes. And then you smell it.

ALAN
For the bouquet? 

ROSIE

Absolutely.

ALAN
Yeah, I'm semi-conversant.

ROSIE
Yes. I'll give it a sniff.

[ROSIE sticks her nose right into the glass and sniffs deeply]

ALAN
Oh, that's deep. 

[ROSIE sits in silence, contemplating the wine]

ALAN

Are you all right?

ROSIE [after a pause, hands the glass to ALAN]
Have a smell. 

ALAN

Oh. Right. Have you not got another glass? You had your nose in this. I'm only kidding. You've got a lovely nose!

ROSIE
Stick it right in.

ALAN [gingerly sniffing the wine]
Right. Yeah, I'm... Mm.

[ALAN copies ROSIE's sniff technique but goes hard into it, deeply sniffing, exhaling and sniffing again, twice]

ALAN

Ooh, that's... I was slightly hyperventilating then! It used to lead to the, er... lead to panic attacks. [sotto voce] Jesus, not now. [ALAN steadies himself] Phew! 

ROSIE
What were you getting?

ALAN
A panic attack. Oh, no, the bouquet! It's been a while since I've used, you know, wine words.

ROSIE
Oh, well, people use all sorts of words to describe wine. I mean, you know, vanilla, melon, straw.

SIMON
Surely only livestock know what straw tastes like.

ROSIE
It's just a hint.

ALAN
Yeah, it's just a hint.

ROSIE
...And with red wines...

ALAN
Wines have hints.

ROSIE
Have a go, Alan. What did you get from that?

ALAN
Um... pepper?

ROSIE
Yes! 

ALAN 

Really? Really?! 

ROSIE

Yes, it is peppery.

ALAN
No, yes, that is a very peppery wine, I was getting lots of pepper. I didn't even have to think about it, as soon as I brought it to my nose, BANG! Pepper! Yeah, so, yeah, amazing.

ROSIE
Well, you've got a good nose.

ALAN
Like you! What's next?

[cut to black]

ALAN
That's a very... Mmm. Oh, that's... Oh, that's very familiar. Yes, now, that's... Oh, what is it?

ROSIE
Currant?

ALAN
No, no, no, no. No, no, it's very specific.

ROSIE
Well, it's musky, so... 

ALAN

No, no, no, no, no, no. No, it's...

[dead air while ALAN tried to place the flavour]

ROSIE
Berries?

ALAN
No, Rosie, that's wrong! 

ROSIE

Sorry. Um... cherries? ... Cinnamon?

ALAN
No. This wine tastes of Chewits!

ROSIE [surprised]
Oh! Oh, well, um... I've never heard...

ALAN

Have we got any Chewits?!

[cut to black]

ROSIE

Now, this chardonnay from Devon is exceptionally well-balanced!

ALAN
Rosie, it's great. They're all great. Fantastic.

ROSIE
Nicely fruity, with a long finish.

ALAN
Yeah, it's... it's, it's... What does that mean, long finish?

ROSIE
A long finish? Well, it means the taste lingers on the palate.

ALAN
It does. It does. It lingers on the palate, absolutely.

SIMON

Like a lazy forklift truck driver. [pause] He would linger on the pallet. 

[ROSIE laughs]

ALAN

Oh! Yeah. Not bad. Not bad. [to ROSIE] Keep talking.

ROSIE
Well, so it lingers on the palate, and, um... the taste therefore will... [the backrest of ALAN's chair gives way slightly] Oh, are you all right?

ALAN
Yeah. Just this thing here... [readjusts the chair back upright] There we go! Go on, what were you saying?

ROSIE
So is that taste lingering for you?

ALAN
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I can still taste it. Definitely, it's still there

ROSIE

Well, you will. You will for some time.

ALAN
Yeah, it's got a - it's still there - we can't wait till the flavour goes before we carry on the conversation, because it's... Because it's a long finish, it will be there for some time. Um... No, it's gone. Cheers!

ROSIE
So, erm... Cheers! Anyway, which of the wines did you like best, Alan? I'm curious as to...

ALAN
Which is the most... What are the prices individually? Bottle to bottle, bottle to bottle!

ROSIE
Right, well, this one here, this is £6. This is £8.95, and this one's quite pricey, it comes in at £12.

ALAN [referring to the £12 wine]
That one is the one I think had the best flavour. Can I have it?

ROSIE
Oh, yes, of course! Absolutely.

ALAN
I'll pay you for it.

[ALAN stands up and digs into his jeans pocket]

ROSIE
Oh, no, no. Please...

ALAN [slightly tipsy]
Seriously. No, no, no. You're not leaving this studio - there's a fiver - you're not leaving this studio until you've got the full cost of that wine. [ALAN loudly dumps a handful of coins on the desk] That's more than... That's more than the right amount. You can keep the rest, I don't mind. This is The Commodores with Three Times A Lady. 

[ALAN fades up the music] 

ALAN [to ROSIE]

That was very good, thank you.

ROSIE
Good!

ALAN

That was just good radio!

ROSIE [chuckles nervously as she gathers up the coins]
Good.

ALAN
Simple as that.