1994: Sports Desk, The Day Today
Pilot episode
CHRIS
It's five to ten, time for sport.
ALAN
I'm Alan Partridge, and this is Sports Desk. Football, and Nottingham Forest may soon be Nottingham Deforest if coach Liam o'Kane has anything to do with it. He's ordered the entire team to shave their groins in an attempt to enable greater laminar air-flow, and reduce buckling and weaving of the tendons. The newly-depilated men will be shown off to Nottingham fans this evening.
On to tennis now, and the sensational young Bulgarian protégé Mila Milandrovich was wowing everybody in Southampton this afternoon, as she prepares for the finals of the Ordinance Survey Maps Cup. I was lucky enough to catch up with her this morning as she was practicing with some nets.
ALAN
You are from Bulgary...
MILA
Bulgaria. Bulgaria.
ALAN
I can imagine, when you were small, you probably taken away from your parents and put in a sports camp.
MILA
No my... we had the tennis school at my house, and my father was my coach.
ALAN
You weren't put in a sports camp and trained into a tennis machine?
MILA
No, I went to school, it's normal. I... I would work a lot.
ALAN
You must be devastated for your countrymen who are subsisting on a diet of bread, potatoes, water and, uh, I don't know, beer... um... do you feel guilty?
MILA
No. People eat.
ALAN
Most of your countrywomen tend to have affected a kind of... well, a moustache. And you, I have to say, have got a very, very... sort of... top lip... it's nice, it's very nice. It's a very fine and uh well
[pointing rudely at MILA's top lip, invading her personal space]
MILA
I've never suffered from facial hair but, um, they have electrolysis in my country. You...
ALAN
Electrolysis for dissidents.
NEWS STING
The Day Today. Taking the news reefer, and pulling like a madman.
CHRIS
Time now for Sports Desk, with Alan Partridge. Alan, you're a bit of a word man aren't you, like to feel a word ?
ALAN
Um... I don't mind... I, certainly, words, uh... where will we be without them? We won't be able to communicate and, uh, certainly always handy when you're having a conversation.
CHRIS
Words, what do they feel like when they come out of your mouth?
ALAN
What?
CHRIS
What does a word feel like when it comes out?
ALAN
Well, sort of... "wooor".
CHRIS
Yeah, but does a long word feel different to a short one?
ALAN
Yeah, certainly long ones...
CHRIS
What about significant words? How do they feel, Alan?
ALAN [irate]
What?
CHRIS
How how do significant words feel when they come out?
ALAN
A long... you mean long ones, like...
CHRIS
Are they different in texture to
ALAN [firmly putting a stop to this line of questioning]
Yeah. Yeah. Hello, and welcome to Sports Desk, with me...
CHRIS [off]
"Buttress" is a significant word!
ALAN
Yeah, mm, yeah. ...Alan Partridge. And it's a special desk of sport now as we look back on some of the sporting highlights of the past sports season, so lie down, relax, and let the Sports commence...
[Tour de France segment from episode 1]
ALAN [gymnastics commentary]
And how's this for a tumble? There she goes. Bounce, split, over and over and over, and then down and then back, and over and over and over, and back and over and over, and up and down, and that bit with the hands there, not so good. I mean I can do that.
[boxing segment, also from episode 1]
Episode 1: Main News Attack
Sport now, with Alan Partridge. Alan, you're a keen fan of the law, aren't you?
CHRIS
CHRIS
ALAN
I certainly am. I support the law fully. Not too keen on those that break it, though.
How do you support it, then?
ALAN
Just generally support it.
What, generally turn up on a Saturday afternoon and wave from the touch lines?
ALAN
What? This is Sports Desk. I'm Alan Partridge. And it's a special Desk of Sport now as we look back on some of the sporting highlights of the last sporting season. So lie down, relax, and let the sports commence!
When it's cycling championships you're after, you can't say fairer than the Tour de France. Dave Bradaur there in the lead, swaying from side to side in his own inimitable bike-riding way. Klaus Binn there on the inside, pumping away with his... with those gristle-like muscly legs inside those tight Lycra shorts, which have become his trademark.
I don't know what this man is playing at! There's no way. Surely the judges must come down like a tonne of bricks on that, carrying bikes on top of a car is not a sportsman-like way to run this race!
You join me in the helicopter now as we look down on these cyclists that look somehow like cattle in a mad way, but cattle on bikes. And there's Sven Gunsen, closely followed by his great friend and teammate Klaus Binn.
And the man with the bikes on his car is... yes, he's disqualified, as I said. And Klaus Binn there wins, riding non-handed! No need for that.
It was a belter of a season for athletics.
Fifteen hundred metres there. Cram... Not a lot happening, quite unremarkable. Oh, good, someone's fallen! It's Peter Elliott. Yes, he's down. Peter Elliott, no relation to the late Denholme. And come on, Pete, back on your feet! You can catch up with him! No, no, he can't be bothered.
And it was upsets all the way in the dive championships!
Greg Louganis... down, double back twister, bangs his head and in, textbook, lovely! Let's see it again. He boings down... up in the air... double back twister, comes down, bangs his head on the board and in, lovely. The judges surely will give him high marks for that.
But for my money, the best punches were being pulled this season in the boxing ring.
...there, round four with, the, uh, plucky Liverpudlian and the ginger boxer, as he's affectionately known to me. Thank goodness, actually, they're wearing gloves, because I've witnessed bare-knuckle boxing in a barn in Somerset about three years ago, and it was a sorry sight to see. Men goading them on in such a barbaric fashion, and I'm rather ashamed to say I was party to that goading.
And two men fighting, as I saw in the barn that night, naked as the day they were born, and fighting the way God intended... wrestling at points... I don't know if you've seen Women In Love, the marvellous scene by the fire. It kind of resembled that.
I'm Alan Partridge, and that was my sporting season. Why don't you join me for another one? Join me!
--
Episode 2: The Big Report
CHRIS
CHRIS
A couple of youngsters there, fooling around. Let's hope that that tomfoolery doesn't escalate into blind, ugly violence, which, let's face it, none of us want to see.
CHRIS
Alan Partridge is at Marple for today's horse races. I wonder what he's doing at the moment. Alan?
ALAN
Hi, Chris! I'm Alan Partridge. Horses! Love 'em or hate 'em, from Mr. Ed to Silver, that's the Lone Rangers horse, they're all here mingling with officials. Don't do that, please.
It's the 6:13 Queen Henry Stakes, which is generally regarded as the litmus test for Derby form. Jockey folklore says that if you cock up the Queen Henry, you might as well ride the Derby on a cow, which, of course, would be a complete waste of time.
Let's have a look at the betting. The going today, of course, moist to tricky. The betting, Diabetic Charlie at 3-1 favourite, Two-Headed Sex Beast at 4-1, and at 20-1, Mrs Boothroyd's Holiday Dancer. All the rest, 50-1 bar. That's all for now. Join us later for the race. Back to you, Chris, in the studio.
Alan, have you got a tip for us?
ALAN
I was... I did have a tip, but... I was going to tip New Year's Lad, but his horse box was hit by a Volvo on the M3. Terrible mess. Apparently, he's dead. So, bad luck there. Back to you, Chris. Stop it!
--
ALAN
Hello again. The 6:30 delayed due to a collapsed paddock... they're just sorting that out. Men and women here, wandering around like ants on an anthill.
Good to see Platitude Queen, a renowned horse, well-known for its sense of humour. Look at that wiggle. Marvellous.
[furlong sign] Dunno what that is...
Two to look out for, number one there, Zeinab Badawi's Twenty Hotels... and number three, Two-Headed Sex Beast.
[tic-tac men] It's great to see the deaf catered for by these real characters in anoraks!
A couple of youngsters there, fooling around. Let's hope that that tomfoolery doesn't escalate into blind, ugly violence, which, let's face it, none of us want to see.
"Two fat ladies, 88!". Old bingo expression there! Although these ladies, I'm very sure, are not the kind of ladies you'd find in a bingo hall. They're altogether a better class of fat ladies.
Look at that lovely girl there, chomping on a sandwich! Aah!
[dead horse under tarpaulin] Not sure what that is. Hope it's not a dead horse! They're not going to fit it in the back of a Volvo 340. Actually, I hope it isn't a dead horse. Sorry.
But first, Alan Partridge for the delayed 6:30 at Marple. Alan, either you've just had a fight with a fire engine or it's raining its arse off out there.
ALAN
Hi, Chris. No racing as of yet, as you can see, one or two problems with the weather. It's really quite wet here. It really is quite wet! It was horrible! Really awful. Back to you in the studio.
--
CHRIS
Back to today's races. Alan Partridge is at the, erm...
ALAN
It's his bed, let him lie in it. Let him lie in it! [to camera] I'm Alan Partridge. You're at Marple with me. Just a quick look at the betting. Onion Terror 2-1 favourite, 7-4 Massive Bereavement and 100-30 Trust Me I'm A Stomach, all the rest 3-1 bar.
The 6:30 has a fifty minute delay due to a fist fight near the paddocks between two officials, one of them now hospitalised, but I'm pleased to say I have with me the winner of the last race. Come here! Mickey Doolan. Hello. How are you?
MICKEY
I'm very well.
ALAN
Are you now? How do you feel about that race there? You won that race, the last race, how do you feel about that?
MICKEY
Well, I'm very pleased to have won the race. It was a hard race, but I won it by a nose at the end, you know? So, er...
ALAN
And your mum and dad must be pleased, but what do they think about you doing this? Shouldn't you be at school? Don't they think you must be missing out on schoolwork?
MICKEY
Well, I think I'm a little bit old for that now. I'm 33 years of age now.
ALAN
What?!
MICKEY
That's right. I'm 33.
ALAN
You're 33?!
MICKEY
That's right.
ALAN
But I thought you... You look about 14!
MICKEY
I'll take that as a compliment, you know?
ALAN
Are you really 33 years old?
MICKEY
33. That's right.
ALAN
My God! Well... all the others, are they like... Are they sort of... They're not children?
MICKEY
Well, age varies from about 18 to 42.
ALAN
But you're so small!
MICKEY
Well, that's the idea, you know, I mean if I was any bigger, if I was your size, I wouldn't have won a race today.
ALAN
Right! That's why you never see people like Brian Blessed riding horses, no it makes sense! Right. Well, thanks very much, Mickey Doolan. Mickey Doolan here at Marple. Raining!
--
Episode 3: Meganews
CHRIS
Time now for sport with Alan Partridge. Alan, you're a bit of a word man, aren't you?
ALAN
Um, I certainly am. I like words... where would we be without them? They help you when you're having a chat.
CHRIS
Do you feel them as they come out?
ALAN
Yep, certainly do.
CHRIS
What do they feel like, then?
ALAN
Euurgh... dunno! Something like that.
CHRIS
Do long words feel different from short ones?
ALAN
Yeah.... yes.
CHRIS
What about significant words? what do they feel like? Alan! Alan?
ALAN
What?
CHRIS
What do significant words feel like as they came out...
ALAN
Well... Er...
CHRIS
Do they feel different?
ALAN
Yes. Yes. I'm Alan Partridge...
CHRIS [interrupting]
"Buttress" is a significant word, isn't it?
ALAN
Yeah. This is Sports Desk. Football! The Liverpool versus Tanners match ended last night with defeat for the Tanners. I visited their dressing room.
[reporting from inside a male footballers' dressing room, various players in various states of undress]
ALAN
The atmosphere here hangs heavy, like a big smell the smell of men together, the smell of cats' musk. Bob Mariner, you missed the penalty. Why?
BOB
Yeah, Alan, it was a bad one. It took the top of my boot, it was all over in an instant.
ALAN
You looked really stupid!
BOB
Yeah. It wasn't a good performance. I'm going to take a shower now, all right? Thank you. Thank you very much, Thank you.
ALAN
Er, are you going to wash away the stain of defeat?
BOB
Um, yeah... Get clean now, and look on the next... start again in the rest of the season.
ALAN
But when you go home with your... when you go home with your... you get into bed with your wife tonight, you're going to sleep with her, she sees the stain on your body and says, "Bob, remove the stain!". Will you remove it?
BOB
I'm not married, Alan.
ALAN
No, but you've got a girlfriend.
BOB
Yeah.
[enters the shower room, various half-naked footballers jeer at ALAN]
ALAN
Yeah, Shurrup!
[back in the studio]
ALAN
On to show jumping, and I managed to catch up with the Australian dazzler Katrina Parfitt after this morning's big horse event.
ALAN
Katrina, quick word. Let me say you look fantastic on a horse.
KATRINA
Thank you very much!
ALAN
You're like the Lone Ranger on Tonto. How do you feel?
KATRINA
Well I feel disappointed. I didn't quite make it this time, but, you know, that's the way it goes.
ALAN
That... it... I was personally gutted because I love those little touches you had the way you turned, smiled at the judge, a little wave, a little wink... Marvellous!
KATRINA
Well, it doesn't go on looks and smiles, it goes on a lot of skill and discipline.
ALAN
I'm sure it does, let me tell you, but if I'd been a judge, I'd have been a complete mess! What about the horse? How's that handling?
KATRINA
Well, today Sir Danzig wasn't doing too well. He shied away from the water jump and that's when I really began to lose it.
ALAN
Well, let me tell you if you have any more problems with him, you can ride me round the paddock.
[KATRINA, getting undressed while being interview takes off her bra, throwing ALAN]
KATRINA
Thank you. Anyway, I think that next year, I'll have better luck.
ALAN
When... when... when you... How do you ride a horse?
KATRINA
How do I ride...?
ALAN
How do you ride a horse?
KATRINA
I've been riding since the age of about five. I don't think it's anything you can learn, I think it's something that's in the blood.
ALAN
Sir Danzig...
KATRINA
...Is my horse. And I'll be back next year, and I shall win on him.
ALAN
You tell 'em!
KATRINA
Thank you.
ALAN
Thank you... very much. Thank you. Katrina Parfitt. A lady.
--
Episode 4: Stretchcast
CHRIS
Now the sport with Alan Partridge.
ALAN
Thanks, Chris. And it's a special Desk of Sport this week as we look forward to all the sporting action that will take place in this year's 1994 World Cup finals in America in "Alan Partridge's World Cup Countdown to '94".
[graphic of ALAN's head shouting "Goal!" intersperses a montage of footballing action]
Yes... Yes... Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes... Yeeeeess! That was a goal!
["Goal!"]
Striker! Eat that! And another! Bing-bang, stick it in, thank you and goodnight!
Twat! That was liquid football!
Er... Shit! Did you see that?! He must have a foot like a traction engine!
["Goal!"]
Well, it's going to be three weeks of non-stop action, and to help us along, and add a little bit of colour and fun to the proceedings, I've got with me a soccermeter. "What's that, Alan?", well, I'll tell you. it's very simple. It's to explain the group system. Now, first of all, all these long arms here, these long signposts, are the venues where the matches are being played. Dallas, San Francisco, Los Angeles and so on. If you look at me from above, you can see that...this is the group system. The... It's 14 groups - A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M... N, and there are four rounds, the red round, yellow round, blue round and red round again, that's my colour coding, not FIFA's, you won't find that with FIFA, just with me.
So, that's the basis of it, and as you can see they get progressively le...fewer towards the centre, the ultimate goal being the World Cup.
All right. Let's take an example. Okay, round one - Ow! - is Pasadena. It takes place between Chile and Paraguay, something like that. And then through to round two, which is... Let's say San Francisco... Not got much time... San Francisco goes through to Orlando. So let's take it round to Orlando there... Just move those out the way... Where's San Francisco? Where's...? San Francisco, where is it? There it is. Right. San Francisco played Orlando, and then we're through to round three, Los Angeles.
It's not... It's not written on that side. It should be, but it's bloomin' not! And then whoever wins, the... then we're through to the final of the World Cup. Who's that going to be?
["Goal!"]
The proof is in the pudding, and the pudding, in this case, is a football. Boof! Eat my goal! The goalie has got football pie all over his shirt!
I 'm Alan Partridge. That will be my World Cup '94. You can come, too. Join me!
CHRIS
Thanks, Alan. More sport from you later?
ALAN
Absolutely Chris, with a bit of luck we'll have Sandy Lyle on the line-
CHRIS [interrupting]
America now. If you have a baby in the States, you may well be in for a bit of a surprise when they 'yank' it out...
ALAN [off camera]
Haha!
CHRIS
Barbara Wintergreen reports...
--
Episode 5: Magnifevent
ALAN
I'm Alan Partridge, hello. Rally driving! The championships start tonight, but here's what I got up to this morning.
[on a dirt track, leaning on a rally car with SUSIE HERPER]
ALAN
Hi, you join me with Susie Herper, one of this Britain's top lady rally drivers. Susie, you're going to be subjecting me to some atrocious punishment. What's that?
SUSIE
Well, I'm going to take you round the course that I won the rally on recently.
ALAN
Right, fantastic. And the stickers, what are the stickers for?
SUSIE
Advertising.
ALAN
It's as simple as that?
SUSIE
Yeah.
ALAN
It really is that simple. Before we go round the course, just to explain, this is a modern camera that will be watching all my facial movements. It's the size of a slim Panatella cigar. One more thing. It's a great model. It goes like a bomb... and the car's not bad either! Come on, let's go burn some rubber!
[in the car, moving at speed on uneven terrain]
ALAN
Suzie's quite... Oh! Hey! Hey! Spunky lady!
SUSIE
Hence the bumpiness!
ALAN
You certainly know how to handle this bitch. You keep her in line. I like it. It's good.
SUSIE
You've got to show the car who's in control, really. Erm...
ALAN
You take it by the scruff of the neck and you let it know who's the Queen. The car's the bitch, you're the Queen and I like it. Whoa! Yeah.
SUSIE
You know what? I just have to brake here, this is pretty steep stuff.
ALAN [starting to get rattled]
Easy. Easy! Whoa!
SUSIE
See what I'm doing with the steering?
ALAN
Watch that there, watch that there, watch that there! Don't be stupid! Watch out for that! Careful!
[after the course]
Well, whilst driving like she was, maybe big and clever on the rally track, it certainly isn't on a housing estate. Remember, lives matter. Chris.
Episode 6: Newsatrolysis aka Factgasm
CHRIS
Time now for sport with Alan Partridge. Alan, I've got to say that that soccer commentary was brilliant last night.
ALAN
Thank you.
CHRIS
It really was. I mean, I'm not very interested in soccer but I was totally absorbed and entertained by the whole thing.
ALAN
Great!
CHRIS
Take a bit of extra time if you want, do as much as you like on this, I'll be enjoying this too.
ALAN
Tonight, we're going to look at self-defence...
CHRIS
Brilliant!
ALAN
Now, self defence is no longer the preserve of hard men like Charles Bronson and Lee Marvin, more and more these days we all need to know how to get a bit handy. Anyone who's been on public transport late at night will know that there are a lot of disturbed individuals out there. One minute they could be babbling incoherently, the next they could be going for your person. What do you do? Well, this week is National Self Defence Week, so who better to tell us than one of Britain's best-loved judo fighting people, Commonwealth silver-medallist Adam Neils. Adam.
ADAM
Hi.
ALAN
Now, self defence is not about simply punching someone repeatedly in the face until they're unconscious, is it?
ADAM
No, it's exactly what it says, it's defending yourself. Self-defence with the minimum of force.
ALAN
Weaponry?
ADAM
No, no, just your body. That's all...
ALAN
Snooker ball in a sock?
ADAM
No, we teach people how to deal with that, but...
ALAN
What do you call those things, the two sticks with the chain between them?
ADAM
Nunchaku.
ALAN
Yeah, I like those. Now, can we actually see some of the basics? Can you talk me through the basics of self defence?
ADAM
Right. Okay, Tanya? Right, well, we teach people to deal with anything from a sort of general invasion of body space through to a specific attack...
ALAN
So, if I was to go like this... Hey! No! Ooh!
[ALAN holds his hands up in front of TANYA, in a split-second movement, she grabs them, twists him around, down on to his knees and firmly holds her wrist under his chin, blocking his windpipe]
ALAN [choking]
Tell her to s... I can't breathe!
ADAM
She's now taken control away from you...
ALAN
I cannot breathe!
ADAM
Sorry.
[TANYA releases ALAN]
ADAM
She's wrested control away from you and has overcome you. The aggression has been turned against you.
ALAN
What happened if someone attacked you from behind?
ADAM
Right...if you were to attack me from behind-
ALAN [firmly resisting another onslaught]
No!
ADAM [chooses, instead, to demonstrate with mime]
Right. I throw you, I could throw you, I could use an elbow block against you or I could shock you,
immobilise you by just twisting the skin-
[TANYA lunges towards ALAN]
ALAN
Get off! Chris!
--
CHRIS
Time now for Alan Partridge - got some sport for us?
ALAN
Certainly have, Chris!
CHRIS
Great. [kisses an unsuspecting ALAN on the lips]
ALAN [annoyed]
And just some late-night soccer results. Here they are for division two.
Sheffield Bonanza, 1.
Dynamo Aberdair 4.
Manchester Coherent, 2.
Jill Morrell, 2.
And the Scottish Division One game between Taste of Dunfermline and Stratchcarnage cannot be stopped! Goodnight.
Comments
Post a Comment