MMM S2E04B: Chef

ALAN [singing along with a sad caller]

All the other kids, with their pumped-up kicks, better run, better run, outrun my gun. All the other kids, with their pumped-up kicks, better run, better run, faster than my bullets. Is that better, does that feel a bit better?

CALLER: PIPPA
Yeah, a bit.

ALAN

I hope that helps. I know you... You've got to talk to someone professional. It's not really... I'm not equipped for, er...

CALLER: PIPPA

Singing songs?

ALAN

...for, er, for you, Pippa. You really need to... The number's in the book, you know? So I'll talk to you... call again soon, I'll... I'll always talk to you. Thanks a lot, love. Got to go. Bye. You're listening to Mid Morning Matters with Alan Partridge. Today is Valentine Day!

JINGLE

WOMAN: [sexy] Alan! Alan! Alan! Oh! Alan!
ALAN: [strained] Happy Valentine.

ALAN
Without further ado, he's sitting right next to me. If I was blind I'd know he was here because, being hungover as he is, he smells like a ruddy... ruddy brewery, staffed by tramps! It's none other than the Sidekick Simon!

JINGLE

Sidekick Simon, Sidekick Simon! Sidekick Simon, Sidekick Simon! Sidekick Simon, Sidekick Simon! 

ALAN [during the JINGLE]

Seriously, you stink!

SIMON

Yep, I've got some dedications here, Alan. Erm, Andy would like to say hello to his darling wife, Beverley. They met twelve years ago in some woods. She was walking her dog and he was just looking for something. And they married very soon afterwards.

ALAN

The time is 11:17. That sounds like an early '80s synth band. Heaven 17, you should have said that. Coming up, Jill Reynolds will be giving us both a good, old-fashioned nosh. Er, the local top chef will be preparing some Valentine's fare. I wonder what will be on the menu. [to SIMON] You don't want to think about it?

SIMON [queasy] 
No.

ALAN

Goblins, er, meat pud in a tin, cold, eaten with a fork? Um... Tinned goblins beef burgers in brine, again cold, eaten with a fork? Fray Bentos pie filling? No pie, just the filling, eaten with a tablespoon so you have to stretch your mouth to get it in. Erm... Er, semolina skins, some warm, some cold, eaten with a fork in a warm bathroom?

[pained expressions from SIMON]

ALAN

This is the enormous Barry White, singing a song about how he somehow makes love to a woman. Does not bear thinking about.

[SIMON gets up and quickly leaves the studio, cut to ALAN joined in the studio by chef JILL REYNOLDS]

ALAN

Jill, Valentine's Day. Unfortunately, not something the whole world can celebrate.

JILL

No, that's right, Alan. And if you're single on Valentine's Day, it can be very hard, but good food will always lift the spirits!

ALAN

Absolutely. I couldn't agree more, I think really the message is, to anyone who is lonely out there, on a day like today, throw caution to the wind and eat yourself giddy! I think on Valentine's day particularly, it would be a cold heart that wouldn't let you use food as a crutch.

JILL

Well, the thing is, Alan, it's called comfort food for a reason!

ALAN

It is, it is. Although I would say that if you are going to do that, please introduce roughage at some point along the way. Forward planning always pays off, you don't want the 15th to be an even more depressing day than the 14th!

[JILL laughs]

ALAN

Although for me it always is. Unfortunately, that's the day my ruddy dad died! So, yeah, but, er, mixed feelings. Not all bad.

JILL

Well, a good plate of comfort food can really work wonders...

ALAN [interrupting]

In a nutshell, I got a bit of that, but I loved him, so...

JILL

Ah. Well, a good plate of comfort food can do wonders for a broken heart, if not for the waistline. [pats ALAN's stomach]

ALAN

Off. Let me ask you about comfort food. We've all been there. You come home from another god-awful day at work, with people you hate. There's no one at home. The lights are all on, the sink's full of dishes. You flop down on the sofa, don't even take your coat off. Who are you trying to impress? There's no one there! The TV's blaring out, you can't find the remote, it's been on ITV for a month. You're vaguely aware of some policeman talking to a drunk teenager with a blurry face and you think, "So help me God, I need to be comforted by food!". What do you cook?

JILL

Fried egg sandwiches. Yeah. Three fried eggs on Mother's Pride white bread, with lots of butter!

ALAN

Er... Ah... Right. You're a chef, right?

JILL

Yeah, but even chefs need comforting!

ALAN

Yeah, all right.

[cut to black]

JILL

Alan, can I ask you something?

ALAN

You may.

JILL

What makes you feel sexy?

ALAN

Sitting in a leather chair in my underpants.

JILL 

No, I mean food-wise.

ALAN

Oh, erm, blue cheese. Oh, that's nightmares.

JILL

Because for a lot of people, it means Italian food. The food of love! And so, today, I'm going to be making a dish from Naples.

SIMON [coming round after a nap on the banquette]

Nipples.

ALAN

What? Staggering! He was out on the town last night.

SIMON

No, I wasn't.

ALAN

Of course you were!

SIMON

I wasn't, I was at home. I was drinking on my own.

ALAN

Where do you live? A drop-in centre?

SIMON 

Back off! I'm having a tough time at the moment.

[ALAN and JILL exchange glances]

ALAN

Here's, er, Traffic and Truffle.

JINGLE

Traffic and Travel sponsored by Castrol.

JILL
Alan, can I just use the loo?

ALAN

What for? I mean, yeah, sure. Just, er, use the disabled. He's only in on Wednesdays. They've designed the whole building around him. You'd think he was some sort of evil genius. He's not, he just knows a lot about jazz.

[CUT TO: ALAN alone in the studio on the phone]

ALAN

Lynn, I haven't got Angela a Valentine's present so you've got until noon to scour Norfolk for a competitively-priced baby-doll nightie. That's exactly what I said, Lynn. Then wrap a bow on it and put it in bubble wrap. [angry] I know it won't smash, Lynn, just wrap it in bubble wrap! [slams phone down]

[back on-air with JILL]

ALAN
To recap, that's three Wagon Wheels, a whole pack of butter into a pan of hot PG Tips. Defrost an Aunt Bessie's Yorkshire pud, pour in the solution quickly, take some broken Easter eggs, I got mine round the back of Rowntree Mackintosh, smear it round the circumference, add the Jaffa lid. Boom, you've got yourself a giant Rolo.

JILL

Well, I do admire your creativity, Alan, I really do! And, you know, I like a man who likes his puds!

[JILL goes to pat ALAN's stomach again but is pushed away]

ALAN

Off! Who's hungry?

JINGLE [chorus of starving beggars]

I'm hungry, I'm famished! Give me something to eat! Please, I'm starving! Please give me something to eat. Anything! I need some food! I'm starving, please! I've got malnutrition!

ALAN

Ha haa! I love that! I offered it to Comic Relief, they didn't want it. Their loss. Anyway, time for our Valentine gobble-off. Whatcha got, Jill?

JILL

It's a dish that's very popular in the southern part of Italy. And it's linguine con sarde. Which is...

ALAN

Linguine... With... something...

JILL

Sardines.

ALAN

Precisely. Fish pasta. But with the fish being, in this instance, sardines.

JILL
Yeah.

ALAN

Got it.

JILL

So, we take our lovely fresh sardines.

[JILL passes the open can of sardines to ALAN who reaches over to hold it near SIMON's nose. He retches]

JILL

We've also got pine nuts, red chillies, fennel and onion.

ALAN

Okay, but do it without the fennel because I don't like fennel and I don't want fennel in it.

JILL

Oh, I wouldn't have put you down as a fussy eater, Alan.

ALAN

I just don't like fennel.

JILL

No, but honestly, you won't notice it, but it will make all the difference. It just lifts the whole thing.

ALAN [moving close to JILL]

If you put fennel in there, we're going to fall out.

JILL

Okay.

ALAN

Mmm.

JILL

So, first of all we're going to chop up our red chillies and our onion. Some people have them ready chopped, but we're not gonna do that. We're gonna chop them ourselves.

[while JILL moves her ingredients to her workbench, ALAN tosses the bulb of fennel away]

ALAN

Simon, when you snapped before, the reason I didn't slap you is because I'm concerned!

SIMON

Sorry, I'm just feeling a bit down at the moment.

ALAN

What you down for, buddy-bo? 

SIMON

Hmm.

ALAN

When I first met you in that pub and you were coming up with funny words for a woman's period, I was on the floor! And just as I tried to get up, you capped it all off with your penguin walk! Where's that guy gone? Where's Penguin Period Man gone?

SIMON

Literally, I just feel a bit down at the moment. To the point where I almost didn't come in today.

ALAN

Why don't you go and sit in my car?

SIMON

Okay.

ALAN

There's half a Double Decker in the glove box. It's yours. Erm, there's an unopened Crunchie, I'd ask you to leave that. I'm driving to Banbury later.

SIMON

Thanks.

[back on-air. JILL is cooking on a portable hob]

ALAN

"Ask your butcher where the lamb is sourced from". "Ask your butcher if the mince is sustainable". "Ask your butcher the best way to bone a carcass", leave the guy alone! If he was good with people, he wouldn't be a butcher!

JILL

I know what you mean, love. I mean, some of these top celebrity chefs, they're just trying too hard. Simple, uncomplicated food is the best.

ALAN

Couldn't agree more.

JILL

Yeah. Do you know what my favourite food is?

ALAN
Faggots.

JILL

No, a good pie!

ALAN
Mine, too.

JILL

There you are!

ALAN
I love a good pie.

JILL
And what would be your favourite filling? Your dream filling, your ideal filling?

ALAN

Do you mean foodstuff?

JILL

Erm, not necessarily. What were you thinking of?

ALAN

Julia Bradbury.

JILL

Ooh! Oh, the TV presenter?

ALAN

Yeah, the presenter of Countryfile, and Canal Walks, and Wainright Walks... and other shows. I... yeah, I'd put her in a big oven, I wouldn't want to break her up, erm, I'd baste her with hot butter using the empty butter pack as a kind of cream-glove. And then, um, pop on a pastry lid, two hours on a low heat. Done! Add chopped cabbage.

JILL

How did you come up with that idea?

ALAN

I don't know, I have this dream where Julia and I are walking along, er, a Lakeland fell when the heavens open and I've lost my compass, literally, and we don't know which direction to go in, so we have to pitch this tent, which we crawl inside, cuddle each other and start crying and then, and I have to be honest with you, Jill, we have a kiss.

JILL

A Julia Bradbury pie. Well, that's a new one on me! You're like Heston Blumenthal there with his egg-and-bacon ice cream!

ALAN
I am like Heston... [imitates a Nazi officer] "Heston Blumenthal! Heston Blumenthal, I'm going to take ze egg and bacon and cross zem mit und ice cream!", "But, sir, zat is not natural!". "Silence! The experiments will begin at dawn. Soon ve vill have ice cream vich vill rule the menu for a thousand years!"

[during ALAN's fanciful roleplay, JILL laughs along while a studio assistant pops a notepad down in front of ALAN. He picks it up to read it]

ALAN

[still in the Nazi voice] "Heston Blumenthal neither endorses nor is [segues to his normal voice] affiliated with extreme..." - Ssh! - "Extreme right-wing groups or their activities". Apologise for any connotations there. That, that's, er, 's fair enough. Okay, erm, this is side two of Mike Oldfield's Tubular Bells. See you in twenty minutes! Right. I'm off for a shower.

[cut to black]

ALAN

Jill, thanks ever so much for coming in. Erm, you've given me food, and you've given my listeners food for thought! Bye, Norfolk!

[off-air]

ALAN

That was great, lovely. Really.

JILL

Oh, thank you and I do hope that one day you get your walk with Julia Bradbury.

ALAN

Hmm, I think that's unlikely after what I said on air.

JILL

Oh, no, surely not.

ALAN

I think she would want... She would only, probably, countenance it with a group of ramblers. Or, at the very least, with some sort of heavy supervision.

SIMON [re-entering the studio]

Look what the cat dragged in.

JILL
Oh, hiya.

ALAN

Hello. Hi. Everything all right?

SIMON

Yeah, just had a bit of a cry. Boo-hoo.

ALAN

No, I meant the car, but er....

SIMON

Yeah, no, it's fine.

ALAN

Yeah, right. Erm, and you're good? I mean, you don't have to talk about it...

SIMON

Well, my girlfriend has been texting her ex. And, I know that they were friends before they went out and so she says that they're friends...

ALAN [interrupting]
When you get upset, what you should try and do is bottle it up. Erm, in the short term at least. You're not a member of a gun club, are you?

SIMON
No.

ALAN

Great. Yeah, then just bottle it up and when you find an appropriate venue, let off steam. I go to Thetford Forest, once every other Sunday and scream myself hoarse.

SIMON

At a horse?

ALAN

No, I scream myself hoarse. I have screamed at a horse, but that was... That was for a different thing.

[meanwhile, JILL has been putting on her coat and scarf and gathering her bag ready to leave. She puts a hand on SIMON's shoulder]

SIMON [to JILL]

Bye.

JILL

Don't cry. Nobody likes a cry-baby. Women like a real man who doesn't take any shit. So, pull yourself together and be a fucking man. [to ALAN] Ta-rah!

[JILL leaves]

ALAN
Bye. [awkward pause] That was weird!

SIMON
What's the fish pasta like?

ALAN
Er... It's missing something.

[cut to black]