MMM S02E06B: Snow

SIMON [presenting alone]

That was Chris De Burgh, which I always think is Irish for Chris The Berk! 

JINGLE

[shave and a haircut, two bits]

[ALAN enters the studio and stands behind SIMON, nonchalantly chewing some gum]

SIMON

And before that, we played The Living Daylights by Scandinavian pop duo, and I've always wanted to say this, A-ha! Now, in today's show, we have a caffeinated quandary for you! We want to know where you like to grab a coffee. Sponsored by Costa. Let us know, Norfolk. 

[SIMON presses for a jingle, off-air]

ALAN

North Norfolk.

SIMON

Hello! Didn't see you there. 

ALAN

That's okay. "Caffeinated quandary", that was lovely. 

SIMON

Yeah, it's just, it got to ten o'clock, and I thought I'd get... I just had to fill in. I didn't know whether you were... 

ALAN

Well, I'm here now. 

SIMON

Yes.

ALAN

Permission to come aboard?

SIMON
Aye aye, Captain!

ALAN
Okay. Excellent. [on-air] You're listening to North Norfolk Digital with Alan Partridge and Sidekick Simon. Apologies for my tardiness! I'm afraid, much like a snowman's carrot nose, I was held up by the snow! 

JINGLE

Morning Matters. News, news...

ALAN [off-air]

Morning Matters? 

SIMON

Chris wanted to trim it.

ALAN

He's only been stood in for a month!

SIMON

He just felt it was more manageable. 

ALAN

Morning matters, more manageable? Mid-morning matters, much more manageable! Morning matters, much more! [on-air] Yes, after a month away, it would have taken more than a spot of snow to keep me away. Bit hairy on the roads, but genuinely happy to be here, happy to do my bit, er, for the station. 

SIMON

Wild horses wouldn't stop you. 

ALAN

Yeah, well, I'd just walk round the back of them. But keep away from the legs. Get kicked in the head by a horse, it'll break your face. For some reason, horses don't like you walking round the back of them, Anthea Turner was just the same. Norfolk Digital, of course, itself not immune to the effects of snow. It's skeleton staff here today, with all hands on deck!

SIMON

Sounds like a Sinbad film. 

ALAN

I'm here with Sidekick Sinbad till 2pm! Time for some music, though. Bernard Matthews used to breed his turkeys without them, this is Wings.

[off-air, SARAH enters]

SARAH
Alan, I need a favour.

ALAN
Sarah, Sarah, I can... hello by the way!

SARAH

Hello.

ALAN

I can help you. If I didn't think I could help you, I'd fire myself. You know? I'd kill myself.

SARAH
How?

ALAN
Erm... run into the sea after a big meal?

SIMON
No, how can you help me?

ALAN
How do you need help?

SIMON
Well, no-one can get in because of the snow, so I need you to cover the afternoon shows.

ALAN
Oh, definitely, definitely. I've got a doctor's appointment at three, but it's fine, I'll hang it, I'll just swim with the gloves on for a few more days.

SARAH
Also, Jeanette's going to be putting the calls through.

ALAN
[long sigh] Is she part of some sort of government programme?

SARAH
She's doing her best. But I know that Craig will really appreciate you getting in.

ALAN
Oh, right. So he knows I'm here?

SARAH
Yeah.

ALAN
Well, good, great. Say hi.

SARAH
Righto.

ALAN
Actually, don't say anything. No big deal, no big deal. Just say, you know, "Alan's here", um, "He smashed his wing mirror up, but he came in anyway". 

SARAH

Okay. 

ALAN

Just say whatever you like, whatever you like, yeah. But definitely that Alan's here. [as SARAH leaves] And that I smashed my wing mirror up! I'll tell you what, Simon, being suspended was the best thing that ever happened to me, really. I've got so many ideas, just pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop! I've not been this excited, Simon, since Eddie Shepherd died and all the possibilities that opened up then.

SIMON
Do you know that I'm not going to be able to do the afternoon shows?

ALAN
No, no, no.

SIMON
Have they not told you of my job interview?

ALAN
No. [awkward pause] No, it's fine, it's fine, it's fine. [on-air] Welcome back to the show! And while your ears were being drenched in molten McCartney, I learnt of a little skulduggery! Word has reached me that my sidekick, Sidekick Simon, is off for a job interview. Which station, buddy?

SIMON
It's not a radio station, it's a website, but...

[ALAN stares at SIMON, still chewing]

SIMON

It's a new venture, quite a young company, and they aggregate content, and, er, they erm... It's quite democratic there, and everyone gets a free breakfast and they have big team meetings where everyone can chip in and so everyone feels like they have a stake in it. 

ALAN

A lot of detail. A lot of detail there. No, we do wish you all the best. "Free breakfast", it amuses me, what lures young people these days! But, no, I understand you don't want to stick around with a bunch of dinosaurs like us. 

SIMON

I've got nothing against local radio. I've loved it here.

ALAN

If I was you, I would absolutely want to be out there with the thrusting young multimedia Turks and not here with the mono-media fogies. The only thing that's got a bright future at this station is nasal hair!

[ALAN sniggers, causing the masticated lump of gum to become lodged in his windpipe. SIMON is frozen as ALAN chokes]

SIMON

Is that your gum...?

[ALAN, going a deeper shade of red, performs an improvised Heimlich Manoeuvre on himself, jettisoning the gum from his mouth]

ALAN

Do you not know the Heimlich Manoeuvre?

SIMON
Yeah.

ALAN [flabbergasted]
Wow! 

[CUT TO: off-air, SIMON has his coat, ready to leave]

SIMON

So you don't mind me going for the interview? 

ALAN

Well, it's like when you used by catchphrase earlier... I mean, there was a time if you'd... I caught you saying, "Aha", live on air. Before Angela left me, yeah, I would have taped over the security cameras, kicked your car door in and anonymously sent a skip to your mum's house. But we've seen things very differently since Meltdown Monday. You must be familiar with that term, and that was the one that was used on the internal memos. 

SIMON

"Mental Monday".

ALAN

Mental Monday, right, my mistake, sorry. I'm not sure which is worse, Meltdown or Mental. I'm cool with both, cool with both.

SIMON
And you'll be all right, will you?

ALAN
[singing] "Got along before I met you, gonna get along without you now!" I wonder if we've got that in the system...

SIMON

Well, look, it's been a pleasure, and I feel like I've learnt tonnes being here, so thanks for that...

[ALAN grunts agreement, checking the computer]

ALAN [muttering]

Look under artists...

SIMON

We've had some good times, haven't we? When you rode that exercise bike...

ALAN

Skeeter Davis! Of course it is. 

SIMON

Anyway, maybe see you in the... See you at the Boxley Wheatsheaf for the Pub Quiz?

ALAN

Ah, yeah, yeah that's fine. 

[ALAN slowly puts his headphones back on, on-air]

ALAN

Welcome back to a very wintry Mid-Morning Matters! A fascinating letter here about festive refuse collections, [SIMON leaves] pointing out that there should be extra collections on account of the extra waste, and I say I think it's a fascinating subject. We're having a great time! This is what bananas wear in battle. It's Bananarama!

[cut to black]

JINGLE 
The Beverley Bacton Show. Take it easy from two till four.

ALAN
You're listening to Alan Partridge in for the snowbound Bev Bacton. Time for you to tell us where you would like to grab a coffee, sponsored by Costa. Susan in Herringfleet. Susan? [holding a mute button and calling off-screen] You need to press transfer! Once again, our first caller is Susan in Herringfleet. [silence] Lovely Herringfleet! I always think of it as a fleet of herring advancing towards the mainland, like a sort of fishy Luftwaffe... Susan? 

[still silence, ALAN presses a button for a jangly ident sting]

ALAN [off screen, shouting]

Jeanette, you need to press transfer!

[returns to his seat in time for the sting to end]

ALAN

Susan from Herringfleet. Where do you like to grab a coffee sponsored by Costa?

CALLER: SUSAN
Actually, I just wanted to say it's good to have you back, Alan. I don't know why they made you take time off.

ALAN
No-one made me, I had a Loch Lomond Watercolour Break to go on. Quick tip for you, Susan. Don't take up watercolour painting. It's just not very good. Now, though, time for some music. He's got the voice of a rocker, the face of a docker, It's Joe Cocker! 

[cut to black]

ALAN

In the absence of our regular news team, the news read by Alan Partridge. "A body believed to be that of missing teacher Alan Weybridge has been found in Thetford Woodland by a man walking his dog". Finds a lot of bodies, this guy walking his dog. If I was the police, I'd be wanting to talk to Rex and his mysterious owner! "And Norwich residents have expressed dismay after the newly-opened library was vandalised by youths". If you ask me, that's Banksy's fault. So thanks, Banksy. Thanksy. Easy.

And a quick announcement from the team here at North Norfolk Digital. "Today sees the launch of new guidelines for on-air conduct following the temporary suspension of the disc jockey Alan Partridge". What about Banksy? I mean, it starts with a picture of a couple of coppers having a kiss, which makes you think about society. But it ends with the grotesque spectacle of a big willy daubed on the side of a motorway footbridge. That's the news. 

[cut to black]

ALAN

[mechanical voice] The robot time is one-five-colon-three-zero! I'm Alan Partridge, in for Dave Clifton. 

JINGLE 

Drivetime! Come on, Norfolk, let's go home!

ALAN

Now, let's hear where you enjoy a coffee sponsored by Costa. Leonard in Yaxham. 

CALLER: LEONARD

I have a black coffee on the way to school.

ALAN
How old are you? 

CALLER: LEONARD

Five. 

ALAN

Okay, does mummy know you do this?

CALLER: LEONARD
Your mummy or my mummy?

ALAN
Your mummy, obviously.

CALLER: LEONARD
Where's Sidekick Simon?

ALAN
He's gone to work at a website that aggregates content. Absolutely meaningless! 

CALLER: LEONARD
Are you sad or happy?

ALAN [exasperated]

Happy. Thanks for your call. Percy in Deptford.

CALLER: PERCY
I like to sit outside my ex-wife's hou.... 

ALAN

Hello? 

JINGLE

North Norfolk Digital. North Norfolk's best music mix.

ALAN [off-air]
Okay, this is...  The phone system's down! I can't get any callers. Hello? Anyone?

[CUT TO: a little later, ALAN is sat with his feet up on the desk, riffing, jamming]

ALAN

The brain of Carol Vorderman. The body of... Carol Vorderman. The face of Julia Bradbury. Er... Hands, Nanette Newman. Legs, Jessica Ennis. Backside of a Strictly Come Dancer. Stitch it all together and Bob's your uncle. You could call it Bob...

[fade into...]

ALAN

...jotted down, er, traffic lights. I'm going to stick my neck out here and say that I think that amber is obsolete. Because it stems from a period where...

[fade into...]

ALAN
Today's... Celebrity Big Head... did that, Edmonds again. Or did I? Was it Hunniford? I don't know why I'm asking you! I'm not actually sure if anyone's listening. Could be talking to myself!

[CUT TO: empty studio, shot through the window from the adjoining studio, lights out]

ALAN [off camera, alone in the building]

Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello?! 

[brief interlude of ALAN sat alone on the banquette, no music playing, looking lost]

ALAN [back on-air]

It's rather eerie here, like the Marie Celeste, the unmanned boat found drifting at sea. Which actually happened to Nick Knowles once. His garden backs onto the Thames and he found an unmanned Pedalo in the reeds. In the end he just dragged it onto the lawn and sold it on eBay. 

[a shadowy figure in a Parka creeps into the studio behind ALAN]

ALAN

Some music. Oh dear! The cellist has just bumped into the... Yeah, whatever. Erm... Orchestral Manoeuvres In The Dark.

[off-air]

ALAN

So you didn't get the job? 

SIMON

No. 

ALAN

What happened?

SIMON
They found out I lied on my CV. 

[SIMON unzips his Parka]

ALAN

Oh, everyone lies on their CV, mate! On my CV it says I've got a brown belt in judo. I mean, look at me! The only brown belt I've got is... a free one from Timpsons because I get so many shoes re-heeled! It's just the way I walk! And I mean that in every sense of the way it means... 

SIMON

No calls? 

ALAN

No, system's down.

SIMON [reaching over the desk]

Just needs rebooting. 

ALAN

Oh, right, okay. No, it's just Jeanette...

SIMON

Jeanette's outside building a snowman. 

ALAN

Oh, good for her, good for her! The day we stop building snowmen is the day the Nazis have won.

SIMON
So what now? 

ALAN

Grab that chair, you ginger eejit! 

SIMON

Yeah!

ALAN
Look at me. Look at me! Forget about all those people! You and I have got vision, real vision! You know, what we say matters! What we say, rather like... Mid-Morning...

SIMON

...Matters. 

ALAN

Matters! Matters. 

SIMON

So what are we going to talk about? 

[cut to black]

ALAN

...This is King and Car! In which we ask, if historical monarchs could drive, what car would they choose and why? Lydia in Diss, what's your King and Car?

CALLER: LYDIA

Maybe Henry V could drive a Renault Megane Scenic.

ALAN
You think he'd drive French after Agincourt? Hello?!

SIMON

Bonjour?!

ALAN
Precisely! Trevor in Reedham! What's your King and Car, mate?

CALLER: TREVOR
Another suggestion for Henry V, it would be a Land Rover Defender, long wheelbase, spec'd up to the nines with Recaro front seats. 

ALAN

Okay, someone taking it seriously! We could talk for hours, of course, about whether it would be long or short wheelbase, but basically a sound choice. Samantha in Bawdeswell, What's your King and Car?

CALLER: SAMANTHA
Richard III and a Vauxhall Cascada convertible, because it's available on the Motability scheme...

ALAN
It's available on the Motability scheme, so it suits the disabled driver. But he's a King, he's a King. He doesn't need that subsidy, he would drive a prestige vehicle, a Porsche.

SIMON

A Porsche! A Porsche!

ALAN [joining in]
A Porsche, my kingdom for a Porsche! Love it, clap hands!

[they high-five]

SIMON
Testify! 

ALAN

That is great banter! I mean, it's not as good as it was, but it's still very good! You know something else, Simon? 

SIMON

What? 

ALAN

Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Simon Denton. [quietly] Together.

ALAN and SIMON

AH...

[the feed stutters mid-Aha, then freezes]

[The Four Horsemen by Aphrodite's Child fades up as the credits roll]