1996: The Big Snog

 

LENNY HENRY
And now, a celebrity of whom Anne Diamond once said, "That strange man's in my dressing room again", Mr. Alan Partridge!

ALAN

Thank you, thank you! Come on, calm down. Thank you very much, Leonard.

By the way, I loved your performance on New Faces, it was great. That was, erm... If you've just tuned in, I'm talking about Leonard Henry, In case you think I'm talking about Leonard Nimoy. It's very easy to distinguish one from the other, it's very simple; one's black and one's a Vulcan. 

Interesting that Leonard Henry shortened his name to Lenny. But, perhaps strange that Leonard Nimoy uses the full form of his name, perhaps because if he was known as Lenny Nimoy, no one would take him seriously as a Vulcan. 

Anyway, just for the record, although I'm wearing this badge to show my support this evening, I just want to make it quite clear that I'm not gay. I can't emphasise that too strongly. Nothing wrong with it, but if you do print it, I will sue. I actually prefer the idea of sex with ladies. Call me old-fashioned, call me quirky, just don't call me queer!

Now, if I were to claim that I was in a top pop group with lots of hit records, I would be lying or... 'pretending'. Now, if you like... if you like, I'd be 'a pretender'. But if the next act made those claims, they wouldn't be lying, they wouldn't be pretenders! You'll see just how massively ironic that is when I say, please welcome The Pretenders!

[later segment]

 

LENNY

She's gorgeous! She's vivacious! She's a bit of a slapper! Pauline Calf! 

PAULINE

Hiya! Hiya. You all right? I've had him! I've had him. I won't tell you what he's like in bed, but I'll give you a clue [holds up her little finger]. Our Paul can't be here tonight, right, because he's trying to get fit. He's working out to that new Elle McPherson video, yeah! He watches it when I go to bed at night.
I can hear him downstairs in the lounge, puffing and panting, all night long!

And, do you know, I've got a baby? I've got a little baby, Petula Duster. She's lovely. She's got her dad's nose, fat, and she's got a mum's legs, stuck up in the air, waggling round! Yeah. It's important to look after the future, so I've pulled a few strings, tugged a few knobs, and managed to get his name put down for Risley Remand Centre. Family tradition. 

Do you know that John McVicar? I've had him. I showed him some criminal acts. Do you know who I love, though? Patrick Swayze. Oh, God, he's gorgeous, isn't he? I had a fantasy about him the other night. We were making love with each other, and he was such a sensitive, caring lover, yeah. He let me go on top so I could keep an eye on the baby. 

Hey, but do you know who I can't stand? Sinead O'Connor! "Nothing Compares 2 U"? Kojak does, doesn't he?! I've had him! I got on top and said "Hey, look! I'm on Telly!". And Carol Vorderman! She's right swot, her, isn't she? If she'd have been in my class at school, but would have bleedin' smacked her one! Have you seen her on Countdown with Richard Whiteley? Richard Whiteley! Oh, yes! I said, "I'll have two from the top, and one from the bottom!". He wasn't talking about vowels and consonants in the Hatfield Travelodge, was he?!

Anyway, right. Here's some advice for the lads on how to chat up... me. Now, don't just say, "Hey, darling, can I shag you?", right, unless you're Patrick Swayze. You've got to seduce me! Be polite!  "Hello, darling, I like your tits. Can I shag you, please?". That's all you need!

Now, safe sex, very important! Take precautions. Put your fag out. Move your plants, so they won't get knocked over! Don't bother with foreplay, I'm much better left to me own devices. And my devices are Moby Dick and a double intruder. Now, you go and have a nap and make some toast, and I'll give you a shout when I'm ready. 

Food is good. Right, Bob... Bob loves to eat melted chocolate off me tummy. Or Ready Brek. Or a full English breakfast. The other day I had eggs, bacon, beans, tomatoes, sausage, fried bread, two slices of toast and a cup of tea. I'm a big girl!

Anyway, what I'm trying to do, right, I'm trying to branch out a bit. I'm trying to, um, I've been trying to get into, you know Mills & Boone? I'm quite into that, yeah. I've been trying to write my own book, right, for Mills & Boone.

I've sent this off to the publishers, right. It's just like an old romantic sort of story set in the 18th century. Right, it's really good. I'll read it to you, right. This is what I'm going to submit. It's called 'Stallion Heart' by Paulette Vache. That's my pen name. See, Paulette's French for Pauline. And Vache, that's, uh, that's cow. I don't know what calf is, probably petit vache, something like that. Anyway, right.

"Her name was Polly Lamb. She was blonde and petite. A size eight. But with a full, proud bosom, where weary travellers would oft-rest their weary heads. She was the innkeeper's daughter at Ye Olde Traveller's Lodge up near Hatfield. One day, a tall, dark stranger alighted from a black stallion in the courtyard.

"He seemed to dance across the cobbles. It was a daring dance, a delicious dance, a dirty dance! She took his coat, noticing it was made of cashmere and from Next for Men. Without further ado, she took him to her bedchamber, reached inside his roughshod breeches, and there discovered his stallion-like manhood. 

"Within forty minutes and five, he had shot his load thrice-fold. 'At last!', thought Pauline, 'I have met a man who is dead sophisticated. I will endeavour to get to know him'".

That's all from me. You've been absolutely smashing, right. See you round the back. Thank you!

The Big Snog was a charity telethon raising money for The Hysteria Trust, which aired on Channel 4 on World AIDS Day in 1995. It was hosted by Steve Coogan as Alan Partridge, Jenny Eclair, Dale Winton, and Lenny Henry. The full line-up also included Harry Enfield, Phil Kay, Jeremy Hardy, Rich Hall, Jimeoin, Lee Evans, The Pretenders, Alan Davies, Charlie Higson, Paul Whitehouse, Julian Clary, Nick Hancock, Kate Robbins, Tony Hawks, Nicholas Parsons, Hugh Dennis, Ann Bryson, Annabel Giles, John Thomson, Eddie Izzard, and Hugh Laurie.