Comic Relief 2019: Conga in the Streets of Norfolk

[in the studio]

LENNY HENRY
It's time to cross over to Alan Partridge.

ALESHA DIXON
Good luck, everybody! Hopefully, see you on the other side, yeah? Alan?

[cut to ALAN, standing in front of a BBC Look East Outside Broadcast van, casually chatting to someone off-screen]

ALAN

...Yeah, I know that, but they- but they say 'reasonable expenses'. Those are the words. And they might say, [mimes looking at paper] "Hang on, Alan, I think you're mugging us off here!". I say, "Really?!".

ALESHA [voice over]
Alan?

ALAN [continuing]
...I regard that as reasonable expenses...

ROMESH RANGANATHAN [voice over, interjecting]

Okay, I think we're...

ALAN [continuing]
...what are you going to say?

[cut back to studio]

ALESHA
Alan?

ROMESH
Apologies, we're obviously having some technical difficulties there. We're going to try to get back over to Alan shortly. Alan?

ALAN [still oblivious to the studio presenters]

So, I claim £430, first-class return, peak-travel ticket... just get a mate to give us a lift! Thirty quid to him, new pair of shoes, four hundred to me... as if I'm going to catch a train! Oh, "Can you send us a receipt for the train?" [sarcastic, mocking] Yeah!

[rapid cut to 'technical difficulty' colour bars, and back to the studio]

ALESHA
Clearly, Alan is still having a few technical issues, but hopefully he'll be back after the news to take fundraising to another level.

[fade to white]

[in the studio, it's later, ROB BECKETT and CLARA AMFO are now on presenting duties]

ROB BECKETT
Time now for something very special, we hope. Earlier on we had a few technical difficulties, but, fingers crossed, he can hear us now and he's aware that he's on the telly. Ladies and gentlemen, we give you North Norfolk's finest fundraiser, Alan Partridge. Alan? 

[cut to ALAN, in the streets of Norwich with SIDEKICK SIMON]

 

ALAN

[speaking gibberish]

[SIMON rings a hotel desk bell atop a clipboard]

ALAN
That was me saying, 'Hello, I'm Alan Partridge', but backwards! And that was to raise £75 from Patrick in the Shetlands which is in Scotland, so make sure you pay up! That's exactly the kind of mischief, officially sanctioned mischief, that we've been getting up to today, be it getting your grandma to dress up as Elvis, or me saying, I'm Alan Partridge, er, backwards. I am Alan Partridge, but I'm not backwards!

SIMON
I beg to differ!

ALAN
Very good! [laughs] I'm just saying, you know, I'm not- I don't have special needs. And remember that half of everything you raise goes to Comic Relief.

SIMON
It does indeed, and the other half goes to a similar local charity...

ALAN
...co-founded by me...

SIMON
..called Laugh Help, which raises money for Norfolk-based causes.

[camera pans to the right to see two burly-looking men holding a white banner with 'LAUGH HELP' in green text and a line drawing of a clown's jolly head, before panning back]

 

ALAN
Like the Countryside Alliance.

SIMON
Yes, indeed. And the conservation of roundabouts with flowerbeds on.

ALAN
Hear, hear. And remember the Laugh Help pledge? 

ALAN and SIMON

None of our money goes abroad.

SIMON
There we are. Now, then, some pledges, we've had some pledges today! Pamela in Diss pledged £50 if you wore clown shoes...

[camera pans down to reveal ALAN is wearing comically-oversized red shoes]

 

SIMON

...So when are you going to put them on? 

ALAN

Er, excuse me?! I don't know how he gets away with it!

SIMON

I do though, somehow! And, of course, there was the £75, oh, yes, pledged by the kids of St David's Primary School in Stafford if you would drink a raw egg. 

[SIMON waves a pint glass containing two cracked raw eggs in front of ALAN's resistant face]

SIMON

But, of course, as you have said...

ALAN

I don't drink eggs any more.

SIMON
You don't drink eggs any more. Now, we have had... 

ALAN [talking over SIMON]

No, I just don't.

SIMON

...We have had a very interesting one from the manager of Richer Sounds in Norwich. 

ALAN

I know him! 

SIMON

Famously. He has pledged £5,000 if you can organise an impromptu conga of fifteen people in under three minutes. So, shall we give it a whirl? 

ALAN

Start the clock! 

SIMON

Let's give it a whirl!

ALAN
Let's do it! Right, what have we got over here? OK, I'd like you to help me form a conga. So, if you all get in line, please. Yeah, not side by side, that's like a Jewish wedding!

SIMON
Can-can at a Jewish wedding! 

ALAN

So, if everyone get in single file and gently clasp the hips of the person in front of you. Yeah. 

[a man in the impromptu conga puts his hands on the buttocks of the woman in front of him]

ALAN

What are you doing, you dirty get? The hips. You can still grip her! 

[SIMON looks pensive]

ALAN

Let's get some more Congees! Everyone coming together like David Cameron's Big Society, I don't know if you remember, about eight years ago...

[running off to find others, ALAN trips over some bins with his comically massive shoes and falls to the floor]

 

ALAN

Argh! Argh! Oh!

SIMON [not sure what to do]
Well, I think we'd better hand back to the studio.

[cut to the studio, ROB and CLARA looking panicked]

ALAN

No, we're not handing back. We don't... We're not handing back. We're not handing back. Just... There.
It's just... [ALAN gets back up on his feet, SIMON offers feeble help] It's all right. Where is everyone?

SIMON
There's a shop here. We can try there.

ALAN
I'll ask them. [opens door but doesn't go in] Do you mind if we film in here for Comic Relief, please? They do mind.

[ALAN spots a lone woman walking in the street]

ALAN

You! You! You! You! Oi, you! [ALAN reaches out to put a hand on her shoulder]

WOMAN [reacting with shock, reaching into her bag]

Argh!

ALAN

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Is that a pepper spray? Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! What are you doing?

WOMAN
Well, you could have been an attacker.

ALAN
Well, you didn't bother to ask!

WOMAN
Well, you were quite threatening...

ALAN

I tapped you on the shoulder. Is that threatening? Come on! I mean, this whole gender thing has just been going on, you know, for two years... People have been pussyfooting around it, let's have this conversation right here, right now! 

SIMON

You've got about ninety seconds...

ALAN

It started in the corridors of the BBC. They can rip up the carpet and they might as well fit... wall-to-wall eggshells! Stick your head above the parapet, you're likely to be... hit in the eye by an arrow, you know, or a stick that chooses to identify as an arrow. Sorry, I really have hurt myself quite badly. Sorry I took your pepper spray, which is actually made from real peppers... Simon. 

[ALAN sprays it in SIMON's eyes, he reacts]

 

SIMON

Argh!

ALAN

I'm sorry, I don't know why I did that! I don't know why I did that! 

SIMON [doubled over in pain, hands over his streaming eyes]

Prick!

ALAN

I don't know why I did that! I'm sorry, mate. I'm sorry, mate! I don't know why I did that! Where was I? 

SIMON [in pain]

CONGA! 

ALAN

Let's go!

[ALAN runs into a passageway and after a couple of seconds comes back out]

ALAN

I forgot they closed it down. A dog choked to death on some condoms, I think he thought they were bacon rashers. It's a pity, because it was a good shortcut. This way, let's go. 

[ALAN jogs off in his massive clown shoes, leaving SIMON still in pain] 

ALAN

I think there's a youth club round here. No, it's a scout hut. [to a scout leader] Hey, Alan Partridge, Scout Patrol Leader, '68 to '70, North Norfolk Division, can we come inside and talk to some of the scouts? We have to form a conga for Richer Sounds. 

SCOUT LEADER

It's not allowed. It's child protection, it's...

ALAN

We'll only film them from the waist down. Oh, God, that's worse. Please, it's for the children.
I beg of you. 

SCOUT LEADER

Well, I'll have to ask somebody. 

ALAN

Alright, OK.

SCOUT LEADER [to the woman who's arrived at the door] 

Val, if you could... 

ALAN

Hi, Val.

VAL
What's wrong with your eyes?

ALAN
I banged into some bins, he had pepper spray.

SIMON
Pepper spray.

[a procession of young boy scouts file out of the door]

ALAN
Great! Scouts! How many have we got? Six, seven, eight. We've got enough! We've got fifteen Congees! We now have a Conga quorum! Run! We've got eleven seconds, you've got to lift your knees up! Lift your knees up! We've got fifteen Congees, that's the magic number! Where are they?

[ALAN and the SCOUTS have run to where the original Conga participants were, but they've moved on]

ALAN

When have they gone? I've been three minutes! I knew this would happen! They've probably Conga'd off to Chicken Cottage. Maybe Richer Sounds will still give us the money?

SIMON [eyes still streaming from the pepper spray]
No, they're saying they won't. They're not doing that.

ALAN
Oh, sod them, stingy gits. Back to Stench and Faunders, I mean, whoever's doing it this year. [to SIMON] I hate Comic Relief...

[fade out]