2005: Alan Partridge meets Roger Daltrey

[video link]

ALAN
I'm Alan Partridge, you're watching, and listening to, Radio Norwich. Singer. Actor. Family man. Started off a mod, became a rocker. Roger Daltrey, who are you? Who who? Who who? 

ROGER

Well...

ALAN [not finished]

Who are you? Who who? Who who?

ROGER

Well...

ALAN [interrupting]
Well, let's find out! You were born in 1943, in Great Bookham, Surrey. Fate dealt the young Roger a cruel blow when your father was tragically killed on the battlefield. And, uh, in 19... 

ROGER

No. No, I was born in Hammersmith and in 1944, but my father came home.

ALAN
Oh, I see what... this is rather embarrassing. So I've... someone's given me next week's research notes. That's for Roger Waters. Sorry about that!

 
ROGER

Oh.

ALAN

I'm terrible like that! I once...

ROGER

It's easily done!

ALAN

Yeah. Yeah. I once... I'm terrible names! I once interviewed Dave Gilmore and I called him Sir Tim Rice. Yeah, a bit embarrassing! He laughed it off at the time, but when I was leaving, when I was heading off, I noticed someone had taken a key down the side of my car. Like, you know... I just, I wonder. I mean, I'm not, I'm not saying anything...

ROGER

That wouldn't have been Dave, he's not, you know...

ALAN

No? Well, I mean, he left without saying goodbye, you know, and I thought it was a bit strange. So it's probably just coincidence. So anyway, that's, that's all these, these notes are for the Roger Waters interview next week, that's the big one. Okay. No problem. So sorry for getting confused with...

ROGER
Well, I don't really mind being confused with Floyd because I, I mean, to me, they're one of the better of the big bands.

ALAN
And of course, when you did warm up for them at a Live Aid, which was really good of you. I have to say that The Who, for me, in your day, you know, you had some very clever lyrics, were very creative, but at the same time, he didn't take any nonsense. Um, there was nothing pansyish about you.

ROGER
Yeah.

ALAN

Someone once described you as a kind of Kinks for welders, do you think that's fair?

ROGER
We're a bit rough and ready, yeah, in those days, but I think as we got older, we've kind of quietened down a little bit. 

ALAN

Yeah.

ROGER

Only a little bit.

ALAN [laughing]

Only a little bit! I should actually tell you, actually, I did... I- I actually once used one of your lyrics to, uh, to chat up a lady who I'm taking to the pictures tomorrow night.

ROGER

Really?

ALAN

Yeah. I did. I first met her as she was raffling a Maserati at Gatwick airport, and I... very, very glamorous woman, she's 49, but I think she's lying. Lovely woman, I said... no, I started off a bit of text, texting each other with sort of cheeky messages. She starts off, she texted me, she said, "R U hungry?", and I texted her back, "You better, you better, you bet!". Of course, the lyric from one of your... one of my favourite songs of yours. She didn't actually know what I meant, she doesn't like The Who, but I wouldn't lose any sleep over it. She's into Ricky Martin and Dido, so, yeah, doesn't really fit into your demographic, as they say. Hmm!

ROGER

I mean, I can live with that, you know? 

ALAN

Yeah. I mean, it was just a first date, you know, it's nothing, nothing... We didn't go too far, just steak and eggs at Garfunkel's. Very casual, you know... ended up spooning her in front of Newsnight. Yeah. Second time, I took her a ten pin bowling followed by a battered cod. That was rather more interesting, ended up having a kiss and cuddle in the back of a Vectra.

ROGER [not very interested]

Really?

ALAN

Yeah, you've got to be... you've got to be very careful dating over fifty because I mean, look at Whiteley. [imitates the final bars of the Countdown clock] Game over, you know? Yeah, the poor chap dies of pneumonia and what people forget... is that pneumonia... has a P in it.

[ROGER says nothing, just stares at ALAN]

ALAN

Now the '60s. Uppers, downers, Purple Hearts, hash, shit, heavy shit, dust, chasing the dragon, monkey on your back, ferret down your trousers. How far do you go with your thrill-seeking?

ROGER
Well, it was... it was around and, um, I'm not an angel, but it wasn't really my kind of thing.

ALAN
Right. Right. Okay. Um, you say that, but how do you explain one of your solo albums,  'Ride a Rock Horse', which I think we've got a picture of it. Can we just... can we flash that up on the screen? Can we see that? There we go.

[shot of the album cover standing on the desk]

 

ALAN

On the cover, we see a picture of a horse with your torso growing out of its neck. Now you don't think about things like that after a pot of tea, but you might after some pot.

ROGER
Yeah. But I mean, that's just the creative process. I mean, it was, uh, it's not necessary to do drugs just to come up with an idea like that. And it was just... it was a bit difficult, we had to actually erase the horses, um, private parts for the Mothers of America at the time. That was the only problem we had with it, but there wasn't really any drugs involved.

ALAN
I think that's... I think that's actually very good. It's good to show that you've, sort of, you're thoughtful about people buying albums because, you know, no one wants to see, a- a- a horse's... cock, on a...

ROGER [interrupting]

This is very nice and all that, talking about the past, but I'm a bit short of time and I only really came to talk about my charity work.

ALAN
Roger, Roger, Roger! Everyone wants to talk about their charity work! I mean, I'm not... I'm not, you know, we'll get around to that, trust me. I'm not getting paid for this. Um, just to go back to the whole drugs thing... I was never pulled into the whole drug scene, my, my... there was one time, my only experience was, uh, someone gave me poppers on Bonfire Night in 1990. I can't say I enjoyed it, I got very paranoid and spent the evening in my room listening to Vangelis. 

Uh... but it was a life-changing experience. People criticise drugs often and say that they're mostly bad but I think, for me, it opened up a whole new window to a new way of thinking. I mean, before that I've never worn a bomber jacket in an interview.

So, um, so now in 1987, I saw David Bowie being lowered onto stage, and he was sitting in an armchair being lowered from a giant glass spider, and he was on the telephone... and the audience just burst out laughing. Now, hats off to the guy for trying something different, but at the same time, it must've been embarrassing for him. I mean, Peter Gabriel once wore a big mask, have you ever done anything really embarrassing, apart from the cover of Ride A Rock Horse? Can we see that one more time?

ROGER

Well, I mean, I'm sure I did, but, um... you know, we've all got carried away at times, but you have to try everything in those days. You have to be noticed.

ALAN

You must have been devastated by the advent of the cordless microphone leaving you unable to do your lasso thing, which of course you made your own. I mean, during the non-singing bits, you must've felt a bit surplus. I mean, did you ever feel a bit self-conscious? Because of course, in the past, you could, you could do that when you weren't singing, during a solo or...

ROGER
I mean, I never really used them, I avoided them like the plague and I... well, actually, look, I don't really want to talk about that. I came to talk about the charity...

ALAN

Yeah, I think you've made that point already.

ROGER

...so, I really wouldn't... really don't want to keep going back to it... I find it difficult talking about the old days. A lot of painful memories there, you know. Um, now... So can I...?

ALAN

Yeah, just, just fire ahead. Talk about the charity for a bit, if you want, that's fine.

ROGER
Okay, well, um... I have to say that it's only through shows like the Albert Hall and sales of DVDs like this one that we're able to raise money and awareness for teenagers with cancer. So, um, put your hands in your pockets, buy it.

[beeping monotones off camera, ALAN isn't listening and is typing into his phone]

ALAN
Buy it, yeah. That, that's great. Are you, you done?

ROGER
Um, well, yeah, I'm done.

ALAN
Yeah, I mean, you know... you can, you can, uh... I mean, if there's anything else you want to say, you know, we've got time. It's just, uh, just deal with the whole charity stuff in one go, so it doesn't bring down the rest of the interview. Yeah. Boo-hoo!

Now, I didn't start the, uh, Teenage Cancer Trust, but you haven't got a monopoly on, uh, on caring, Roger, because I'm actually a very active member of the National Trust. I'm very closely involved in their work restoring country houses in which the tenants can't often afford to pay for basic repairs, re-roofing their house. I mean, it is, really is heart-breaking. 

Sometimes these people are forced into selling a painting that may have been in the family for generations. But to see the look of joy on the face of someone who's just been told he'll be getting a million pounds grant to repair the roof, it, it, it is the kind of thing that makes it all worthwhile. It really... it really does, it's heartrending. But sometimes, tragically, we are too late, and that, that really does break your heart. One gentleman in Yorkshire had to leave a beautiful 28-bedroom house and move to a detached six-bedroom house in Chester. And when I heard that... I thought, I've just got to get involved. 

Everyone's got their favourite charity, Bono & Geldof, they've got first dibs on Africa. You've bagged cancer, fair enough, and I...

ROGER

...You help aristocrats live in big houses.

ALAN

Well, I mean, otherwise, they have to, uh, sell those lovely old houses, and they get taken over by lottery winners and rock... stars. Yeah, I mean, Brian Adams can wear his green wellies and drive around in his Land Rover, but he's not fooling anyone, really.

"Ever since I was a young boy, I played the silver ball. From Soho down to Brighton, I must have played them all. But I ain't seen anything like it, in any amusement hall. That deaf, dumb, and blind kid sure plays a mean pinball". Did you get any hassle from the disabled lobby, or was it before political correctness?

ROGER
I don't think anyone could have taken offence. I mean, it was- it was just an artistic- it was a rock opera. Um, you know, um, it's just- it was just a vehicle for- for an idea.

ALAN
Yeah, and of course- and you did acknowledge, you know, that despite his disabilities, he was very good at pinball. I mean, you know, you would have thought, uh, you would have thought that would have would have rendered him incapable of doing pretty much anything. Um, and I'm all for positive discrimination, but if you had actually gone out and got a deaf, dumb, and blind actor, to put it bluntly, he's going to be pretty bad at pinball, isn't he?

ROGER
Well, I don't think we ever would have considered that, I mean.

ALAN
Yeah, and, uh, not- not too hot at acting either, I would have thought. I mean, he's not going to see the clapper-board. He's certainly not going to hear someone say action. You'd have to poke him with a stick, and that's just demeaning. Hair. You had short hair in the '60s when you were a mod, then you went all curly in the '70s, a la Brian May. Then you cut it short, then you grew it again, now it's short.
Make your mind up, Roger! What's it to be?!

ROGER
I had it cut because I did a film where I played, uh, a guy called John McVicar.

ALAN
Yeah, I was coming to that. There's- there is an order to the questions. John McVicar is a criminal.

ROGER
Was a criminal.

ALAN

Well, yeah. 

ROGER

Well, you know, he was a criminal, and he's now been rehabilitated.

ALAN
Well, I mean, it's not- it's not- look, look... it's not gospel, okay? So don't go- don't go calling your lawyers, Mr. McVicar, or, you know, 'sending the boys round', but, I did hear from someone that Mr. McVicar is still fencing pirate DVDs. You know, you might say it's a legitimate business, just because he does it at a car boot sale doesn't make it legit. And I know for a fact he was offering a DVD of War of the Worlds, and it's still on at the cinema.

ROGER  
John is a very respected journalist these days.

ALAN

Right. Well, good on him. I haven't seen any of his articles, but, you know, I believe you. Sir Bob Geldof. Sir Paul McCartney. Sir Noddy Holder...

ROGER
Uh, no, I don't- I don't think Noddy Holder is a Sir. No, I don't...

ALAN

Is it?

ROGER

I think you've got that wrong.

ALAN
Um, yeah, no, there's an asterisk there. It just- it says unconfirmed. But, you know, the Baron Knights, I mean, they're not real knights, are they? But, um, Sir Eric Clapton. Sir Mick Jagger. Mr. Roger Daltrey. Does the little green monster ever make an appearance?

ROGER  
Well, I've got a CBE.

ALAN

Yeah. They just- they just couldn't go that extra mile, could they? Bastards! I'm sorry, we're running a bit tight on time now, so I'm gonna- I'm just gonna spool through these questions. Uh, height, does it bother you? No, forget that one. "Hope I die before I get old", are you embarrassed? Yes, that's been done, you've answered that before. Let's see, once we've got- uh... Did you get rid of the trout farm because people thought it was a euphemism for whorehouse?

ROGER

Do you want to go there?

ALAN

Is it still open? I'm sorry, I was up very late with these questions. Um, they're a bit, uh- oh, hang on, here we go. Daltrey, you're an embarrassment! Swinging your microphone around like a big lasso! Go home, go home and trim your hedge, leave the rocking to the young ones like Lenny Kravitz. Does it hurt you when people say things like that?

ROGER

As long as they turn up on the night and they're paying good money for your tickets and you're still selling out....

ALAN
You're still selling out?

ROGER
We still sell out and I don't give a toss.

ALAN
When do you hang up the old jean jacket? When people say, "Oi! You should be wearing tartan slippers, not wearing rock shoes and shiny trousers". 

[ROGER doesn't answer, just looks aghast at the line of questioning] 

ALAN

Well, it only remains for me to say, I've always been a huge, huge fan, I can honestly say that you are my third favourite '60s band. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Roger Whittaker.

ROGER
It's Roger Daltrey you're talking to, again. Again, you've got the wrong- You don't know who the fuck I am, do you? Who the fuck are you?

ALAN

Alan Partridge, I host, uh, Up With The Partridge.

ROGER [annoyed]
Fucking get your shit together! I come here, give you my time, I want to talk about a charity. You go through all that crap, you have all those wrong people...

[ALAN fakes a laugh to plaster over the embarrassment]

ROGER
Bollocks!

[ROGER leaves, the studio door slamming shut behind him]

  
ALAN

Having a good sense of humour there. He wasn't really, really annoyed. He wasn't really annoyed.

[dead air, ALAN goes back to tinkering with his phone, mildly laughing on something on-screen]

ALAN  
Private.

Alan Partridge Meets Roger Daltrey was an extra on the DVD "Alan Partridge presents The Cream of British Comedy", a live show organised to raise money and awareness for the Teenage Cancer Trust.