Comic Relief 2024: Rod Stewart and Tibby

[Mid-Morning Matters theme, with North Norfolk Digital website]

ALAN
There we go, right!

SIMON
Hello and welcome! 

ALAN
Welcome to anyone joining us on the webcam, you're listening to, and watching, Comic Relief on North Norfolk Digital. Coming up, we have a very special guest, Sir Roderick David Stewart, Rod Stewart to you and I, but first thing to... we're asking you to tell us about the most charitable thing and the least charitable thing you've ever done. So, a bit of a twist!

SIMON
Bit of a twist there, soupy twist! Now, Grant in Bristol says his most charitable act was taking in a family of Ukrainians for a year. 

ALAN

And least charitable?

SIMON

Turfing them out. He's got rid. 

ALAN

Marvellous. Actually, a friend of mine did that for a family of Ukrainians. Still friends with him, they still wash his cars, marvellous! Robert from Pensworth says his most charitable act was a sponsored head-shave to raise money for a cancer charity. Well done, Robert! But it was also his least charitable, it was the same thing because it wasn't his head, it was his wife's. [laughs] And when she woke up, she was none too pleased! I'm sure, Robert. 

SIMON

He shaved the missus. 

ALAN

Her head. Lots going on today, Brian in Hunstanton tells us about a sponsored silence. I like this one. He says he's set up a JustGiving page aiming to raise ten grand if U2 frontman Bono will agree not to speak publicly for ten years. I think the appeal went live about an hour ago.

SIMON

Yes. And the current total, Alan, is £356,000.

ALAN

Right. Leaving Bono with a straight choice; cough up or button it!

SIMON

Or ignore it. 

ALAN

Coming up soon, Rod Stewart, a musical icon who's had hits spanning five decades! And I believe you have got some very funny material about Rod Stewart...

SIMON

I do indeed, yes!

ALAN

...which I've been dying to hear.

SIMON

So Sir Rod, as you know, he's married to the lovely Penny Lancaster.

ALAN

Oh, yes.

SIMON

And she is a special constable. And I thought if she caught Rod speeding in his red Ferrari... 

ALAN

Ho-ho! I don't like the way this is going!

SIMON

She'd say, [phone notification] "Anything you say will be taken down and used against you!". And Rod could say "Trousers!" ...because they're married.

ALAN

I'm sorry, Simon, not to take away from your very funny comment, we're going to have to sacrifice your humour, because we've just received some very saddening news, just breaking. Tibby, lovely Tibby, who many of you will have known as the much-loved station cat, originally owned by our very own Barbara Bickerton, until she didn't want it anymore, and who has gone on to become something of a mascot for the station, and has been taken to the hearts of listeners young and old, has very sadly passed away. [to Simon] Do you want to carry on doing the sexy constable material, or leave it? 

SIMON

Leave it.

ALAN

Do it, do it, do it! I'll recap, so Rod Stewart, in a car, been arrested by Special Constable Penny Lancaster, says "Anything you say will be written down and used as evidence against you!". He says "Trousers!". She writes down trousers. 

SIMON

Well, not written down, taken down. 

ALAN

To the station?

SIMON

No, taken down, as in taken down like trousers.

ALAN

Oh, so taken down! Ah, I see, so you take down trousers, okay, right! So that's the end of that bit? 

SIMON

That's the end of the bit... 

ALAN

Okay, right, and are they all... they're all like that?

SIMON

Yep.

ALAN

Okay, okay. So... erm...

SIMON

What's your favourite Rod Stewart song?

ALAN

My favourite Rod Stewart song would have to be, Do You Think I'm Sexy? 

SIMON

Ooh, nice. Why?

ALAN

It just got me through a very difficult period in my life.

SIMON

Although, you wouldn't get away with singing Do You Think I'm Sexy these days!

ALAN

I don't- I disagree. I disagree.

SIMON

Really?

ALAN

No, yes, because I think it has two crucial qualifications, a request contingent on two very heavy caveats; If you want my body and you think I'm sexy, then, and only then, sugar, let me know. You know, it has to be both. If you do not think I'm sexy but you do want my body, possible, perhaps for medical research. Likewise, if you do think I'm sexy but you do not want my body, perhaps you just want Rod's gravelly voice down the phone. And what she does with that, from there on, is up to her. I've always wanted to ask Rod about his famous rasping voice. 

SIMON

Ah, yes. 

ALAN

I sometimes worry, you know, if he were to, perhaps, to accidentally go [mock throat clear] and issue a very productive cough and he cleared his throat, would it end his career? Sounds a bit silly, but... 

SIMON

No, but it happened to Aled Jones. The other way around, but it happened to Aled. 

ALAN

It did, angelic chorister, but...

SIMON

Fantastic. 

ALAN

...He once had a coughing fit so protracted that when he came out the other side, his voice had broken!

SIMON

Midway through a concert.

ALAN

[falsetto, singing] 'We're walking in the air', [gruff South London accent] 'We're flying through the moonlit sky'. You know, sad, really... but not as sad as losing Tibby, the station tabby. This is The Lion Sleeps Tonight.

[Alan pushes the fade up slider for the song, we fade out]

[we fade in as ALAN is fading out a record]

ALAN

...by Kevin Carter, big fan of his.

SIMON

Oh, absolutely lovely. Definitely one to watch.

ALAN

Yes. Someone, sadly, you will not be watching, I'm afraid to have to inform you, is Sir Rod Stewart, who has decided he won't be joining us. He arrived a short time ago, but then, in a flash, he'd gone.

SIMON

Lightning Rod. 

ALAN

Yeah, very good. You know, it's annoying, because I thought Rod and I were friends. We shared a slim plank of mini burgers at Wimbledon in 2016 with Lewis Hamilton. I don't think they'd ever seen anyone like Lewis at Wimbledon before. I mean, a racing driver. So... you know, I thought Rod was someone I could call a friend... but clearly that's gone down the toilet. 

SIMON

Dino Rod. 

ALAN

Yeah, again, you know, pretty... not as, you know,  but quite good.

SIMON

So keep sending in your memories of Tibby on Twitter using the hashtag #CatLivesMatter, Alan's title.

ALAN

Oh, thank you. Well, you know, team effort. 

SIMON

No, it's just you.

ALAN

We have a picture of Tibby, which I can display throughout the show, but for the benefit of listeners who are, or are not watching, on the webcam, Simon, do you want to briefly describe him? [Alan shows Simon his phone screen]

SIMON

Yep. It's grey... [pause] I mean, it's a smooth, grey cat. 

ALAN

Yeah. Right. Already tributes are pouring in for Tibby. Craig Wynn-Stanley, the controller of North Norfolk Digital, has said "He was a gentle and affectionate cat who will be missed by all". And in the last few minutes, the part-time broadcaster Simon Denton has described Tibby as "Grey". He went on to say, "It is a smooth, grey cat". Tibby, who died today. 

SIMON

And Cindy texts to ask, what did Tibby die of?

ALAN

Cindy, I'm afraid Tibby was involved in a hit-and-run accident.

SIMON

Ouch. And I've just got a note in here about it; bystanders have said he appeared to be struck by a car.

Some are saying it was a red sports car, possibly a Ferrari, driven by what appeared to be an old dinner lady.

ALAN

That doesn't sound right.

SIMON

I don't think it's...

ALAN

Oh, God. I think that's... I mean, that's clearly... That's Rod Stewart.

SIMON

An old dinner lady, though?

ALAN

Well, I mean... through a tinted window at a distance, I wouldn't be able to call it. Poor fella, he's probably been so... so upset by it! Rod, if you're listening, please, don't worry! It was... It's just... You know, it's just a cat! Nobody's angry, just hand yourself in to the nearest police station, or you could just turn yourself in to your wife.

SIMON

Not literally. 

ALAN

Ha, yeah. Although, you know, if you look like a dinner lady, you're kind of halfway there, but no, we should move on.

SIMON

We should indeed, yes. And of course, Richard Curtis has a very strict rule that you can't announce any bad news during any Comic Relief broadcast.

ALAN

Does he?

SIMON

He does, indeed.

ALAN

Well, let me tell you something, Richard. If you're saying that I can't care more about that cat named... [gestures to Simon]

SIMON

Tibby.

ALAN

...than whatever Comic Relief is about, then you and I are going to have to have words...

SIMON

Again.

ALAN

...again, yeah. Why again? 

SIMON

The other year with the expenses stuff.

ALAN

Oh, yeah! He wouldn't wind his neck in, would he?

SIMON

Now, just to say, we've had a call from a listener, Erica, who lives not far from the radio station. She says she has found Tibby alive and well in her garden.

ALAN

Um... great! So what's in the bin bag? [checking phone] Um, okay. They're saying it was simply some luncheon meat and a tomato sandwich mashed up with a discarded hairpiece, all pressed into, I imagine, the Pirelli P-Zero low-profile tyre of the much-celebrated Italian supercar last seen driven, not by an elderly dinner lady, but by Sir Rod Stewart, who is now beyond suspicion.

SIMON

Right. And finally, we have just heard from Bono himself about the ten-year sponsored silence. He has said he is prepared to do it as long as the silence doesn't cover performances by his band U2.

ALAN

I'm really sorry, Bono, I'm afraid it does cover that as well. So, here for one last time, Living On A Prayer by U2. [Alan pushes the fade-up slider, we fade out as Living on a Prayer by Bon Jovi starts playing]