Comic Relief 1995: Swaffham Five-a-Side Custard Pie Hit Squad

[ALAN is presenting live in front of a small but rambunctious crowd, there's custard pie residue already on his face]

 

ALAN [trying to speak over the cheering]

Hi!

[crowd cheers louder]

ALAN

I'm... [cheers] I'm... [cheers] Alright, sshh, quiet! I'm Alan Partridge and as you can see, I've been a victim of the Swaffham Five-a-Side Custard Pie Hit Squad, who've raised £4,000... Now, you've done it once, don't do it again.

[ALAN gets a doubled-pied, one from his left and then from his right]

ALAN [annoyed and with a creamy face]
Oh, don't you... Don't you... Stupid! It's alright. Oh, what the heck, wardrobe will clear it up later. Right, well, to raise more money I've got the leader of the Swaffham Five-a-Side Squad. Your name is? 

JIM

Jim Caunce.

ALAN
Jim, what? 

JIM

Jim Caunce.

ALAN

Corns?!

JIM
Caunce. C-A-U-N-C-E. 

ALAN

Oh, right. It's unusual. Is that a joke name? 

JIM

No.

ALAN
No. Right. And where are you from?

JIM
King's Lynn. 

ALAN

King's Lynn?! I've got a friend in King's Lynn! [JIM isn't as impressed] So, tell me, you have another cunning plan to raise money for Comic Relief, how are you going to do that?

 

JIM

That's right, Alan. Well, me and the lads, we have pledged £500 if you'll show your bottom on live television.

[crowd cheers]

ALAN

I don't think I like the sound of that at all! But, alright then, I will show my bottom! Here it is!

[ALAN reveals from behind his back the bottom half of a toy doll]

ALAN
It's a plastic bottom! It's a plastic bottom. So, £500 to Comic Relief?

JIM

No, Alan, we don't think that's good enough, really. Do we?

ALAN
No? That's fine, okay. 

JIM

No, we'd like to see the real thing. 

ALAN

Well, you can forget about that! No, get away! No! No!

[the crowd grabs ALAN and forces him against a tree]

ALAN

No! Please, no! Please, don't... not my arse! Not my arse! Please, no! 

[with ALAN restrained from either side, JIM yanks down his trousers]

ALAN [annoyed, pulling up his trousers]

That's all from Comic Relief. Back to the studio.

[fade out]