MMM S01E08: North Norfolk Today, with Eddie Shepherd and Terri Cohen

[ALAN is sitting alone in the conference studio, surrounded by newspapers and three empty coffee mugs. At a loss for something to do, he cleans his glasses as TERRI COHEN enters the studio]

TERRI COHEN
Morning, Alan!

ALAN
Oh, hi!

[Moving back to allow TERRI to get to her seat, ALAN falls backwards and becomes wedged in the corner]

TERRI
Oh, gosh! Are you alright?

ALAN
It's okay, get your own- go past, it's fine.

TERRI

Do you want me to help you?

ALAN
No, it's fine.

[ALAN struggles to get purchase on the walls with his arms to leverage himself back upright]

TERRI [to someone off camera]
James, could... Do you want to...?

ALAN

It's fine! It's fine. [firmly] I'm fine!

[after a short struggle, ALAN gets himself back up]

TERRI
You're okay? Good. Ah. Nerves?

ALAN
Yeah, no! No, not not not not not not not not nervous... nervous.

TERRI
Are these all yours?

ALAN
Yeah, mugs, coffee mugs. I came in early, so... at four o'clock, because I wanted to be absolutely on the, er... on the balls! 

TERRI

On the balls! 

ALAN

Are you nervous?

TERRI
Oh, no! I've been doing it too long!

ALAN
Yeah, yeah. Mm, yeah, you have haven't you? I mean, where would you go? I mean, the BBC won't let you pass the door if you're over thirty.

TERRI
No, that's true!

ALAN
Unless you've got a mop and a bucket, you know, and you're from somewhere... you're not British. Erm, I suppose there's always Songs of Praise, isn't there? Songs of Praise for you guys?

TERRI
No, well, no, because that's now presented by young gay men, isn't it? So...

ALAN
Well, there you go, I mean, ironic, really... There was a day when they would have been chased out of church with a big stick...

TERRI [getting ready to go live]
Right, here we go. 

ALAN [stretching]

...And then burnt!

TERRI
So, a bit of banter... 

ALAN

Okay.

TERRI

...you know, just keep it light!

ALAN [getting pumped up]
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Okay.

TERRI
Okay. Off we go!

JINGLE [female voice]

North Norfolk Today with Eddie Shepherd and Terri Cohen.

ALAN
Good evening.

TERRI
Good morning!

ALAN [wincing]
Yes.

TERRI
This is North Norfolk Today!

ALAN
In case you're wondering if Eddie Sheppard, Shepherd, has had his adenoids removed, or has finally cut down on the fags, neither is true! You're listening to Alan Partridge. Eddie's adenoids continue to block the vast majority of his nasal passages and he continues to smoke like a gangster in a 1940s film, who even the other gangsters think, you know, smokes to excess, and tell him so!

TERRI
And Alan's in for Eddie all week. It's great to have you with us, Alan!

ALAN
Pleasure to be here!

TERRI
Very welcome.

ALAN
Thank you. [to TERRI] And thank you. Erm, so, er, I'm very happy to be on the show, I listen to it every morning! 

TERRI

Oh, do you?! 

ALAN

In Caffè Nero, yes. By default, I mean, they pipe it in. So, you provide the soundtrack when I chomp on my egg panini, with extra egg! An! An! An extra egg.

TERRI
Sounds delicious!

ALAN

It is.

TERRI
It's, er, 7:01... 

ALAN

Very nearly! 

TERRI

...And it's time for a review of today's papers with Alan!

ALAN
Right you are! So, I have got some big tits for you. Tit- tits. Tit- tit-bit bit. Tits-bits. Tit... tit-bits! [laughing, finally nailed it] Can't believe it! Tit bits!

TERRI
There's a lovely Freudian slip there! Oh, dear, sorry about that!

ALAN
I don't know what all the fuss is about, really. I mean, they're just pointed sacks of fat on the upper torso of a woman, for goodness' sakes! What's the big deal, people? I mean, er, you know, we've all got our favourite, er... We've all got our favourite, um, gland. Mine happens to be the, er... [long pause]
...mammary, the Independent leads with government in secret spending cuts...

TERRI
No, that's yesterday's paper you've got there, Alan!

ALAN [checking through his stack of newspapers]
Right! I've read all yesterday's papers. [sotto voce] What am I going to do? [pause] And now Traffic and Travel. 

[ALAN presses a button, nothing happens]

TERRI
No, we don't... we haven't got that in yet. We haven't got Traffic and Travel.

ALAN 
It's fine. [presses button for the Traffic & Travel bed] The roads today are fairly... normal. I'm being told that, er... there are potentially going to be some hold-ups... nothing major... nothing that I can be specific about at this stage, but generally be vigilant, drive in a normal way, and stay tuned for more traffic updates. I hope that is helpful. 

TERRI

It-

ALAN

The police also say to be careful if the roads are icy, but they're not suggesting they are at the moment, though they may be. Just keep your eye... Just- just- just- just- just- just drive sensibly, for Christ's sakes!

TERRI

Er, 7:03! 

[cut to black]

ALAN

Well, it is now, yeah. 

[CUT TO: off-air, guest BRONWYN MATTHEWS is just getting comfortable]

BRONWYN

So, how is Eddie? I was so sorry to hear about him.

TERRI
He's struggling, I'm afraid.

ALAN
Er, bad news; shadow on the lung. We've met before.

BRONWYN
Have we?

ALAN
Yes, June, earlier this year, the Nissan Local Hero Awards.

BRONWYN
Oh, yeah?

ALAN
We're having a bit of a chit-chat about Abu Hamza. You know, the boss-eyed Muslim cleric with a hook for a hand? 

BRONWYN

Yeah.

ALAN

We're talking about what other implements he may attach, or disattach, to his wrists, depending on his mood, if he could take his hook off.

TERRI
What about an egg whisk?

ALAN
Precisely, that was the...

BROWNYN
Or a hairdryer!

TERRI

Oh, that's a good one!

ALAN
Or an ice scraper for the windscreen on a frosty morning, genuinely useful! Or an ivory horn, if someone likes a slip-on shoe.

BRONWYN
Oh, a shoe horn. 

ALAN

A shoe horn, yes. He'd make a great pantomime baddie, I always think! You know, "Where's Abu Hamza, the boss-eyed Muslim cleric with a hook for a hand, who incites racial hatred?", "He's behind you!". I'd go and see it! As long as it had someone like Phil Mitchell in it... as well. He'd sort him out! Head-butt him!

[TERRI puts her headphones on and prepares to go on air]

TERRI [more serious]
Right. 

ALAN [putting his headphones on]

Right. 

JINGLE

North Norfolk Today, with Eddie Shepherd and Terri Cohen.

ALAN
...And Alan Partridge. Just to reiterate, Eddie Shepherd isn't with us at the moment. Can we say what's wrong with him?

TERRI
He's doing alright.

ALAN
He's doing alright. Touch wood it's just a smudge on the x-ray. And we're joined by Conservative councillor Bronwyn Matthews, we were just having a chin-wag about Abu Hamza, the boss-eyed Muslim cleric with a hook for a hand, suggesting what implements he may put on his wrist in place of his hook! Bronwyn suggested a hairdryer...

[TERRI and BRONWYN are shocked that their off air conversation has been brought on air]

TERRI [quickly interrupting]
So, councillor, you're known as the Barack Obama of North Norfolk!

BRONWYN 

Well, thank you! Quite an honour to be associated with such an eminent politician!

ALAN
The female! The female Barack... The female British, white, right-wing Barack Obama of North Norfolk! 

BRONWYN [deflated]

Thank you.

TERRI
You're a Conservative, albeit a councillor. What's your view on the coalition? 

BRONWYN

Well, as you know, of course, we have an outright majority here on the county council. But as far as Westminster coalition's concerned, I mean, we're, of course, very supportive of them...

ALAN [interjecting]
Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh... sorry, I've nothing to say.

BRONWYN
Uh... yeah, no, I mean, I always think that coalitions can work extremely well as long as there's firm leadership.

ALAN
Bonnie and Clyde, they were a coalition. 

BRONWYN

Well, there's good ones and bad ones!

TERRI

Yes, indeed!

ALAN

Rose West, and her late husband, Frederick? 

BRONWYN

Well, fortunately, here at Norfolk County Council, we have a majority and so can work alone.

TERRI [agreeing]

Mm!

ALAN
Harold Shipman. It's just coming up to 9:11. Ooh! Don't tell Abu Hamza, he'll be cracking open the champagne. Oh, no, they don't drink, do they? Sorry, I've been up since four, reading yesterday's papers.

[TERRI and BROWNYN look appalled at ALAN's behaviour and we cut to black]

[off air, ALAN is in his usual studio, looking very tired and dropping a Berocca tablet into a glass of water. He leans back on his chair as it dissolves, lifting it up to the light and then stirring it with a pen. He lifts it up to the light again, gives it another stir and just as it's about ready to drink...]

MALE VOICE [off camera]
Alan, we're back on.

[the Berocca still un-drunk, ALAN gets up and leaves his studio, and we cut back to the conference studio]

TERRI
With respect, Councillor, I think our listeners will be more concerned about cuts to public services.

BRONWYN

Well, absolutely, Terry, and that's why we've set out proposals to ensure...

ALAN [forcibly interrupting]
Terri, let me take it from here, throw me the ball! Councillor, you talk a good game - I caught it, by the way - but I have figures that show that you plan to cut public spending! 

BRONWYN

Are you talking about the raw figures or the figures adjusted for inflation?

ALAN
Yes. 

BRONWYN

Well, the first or the second? 

ALAN [stammering]

The first, this... first, the first, the first, the first! For God's sake!

BROWNWYN
Well, in that case, that's wrong, because if you look at the figures, the actual spend has remained the same as last year, see?

[BRONWYN shows ALAN a sheet of paper]

ALAN
Yeah, no, I understand it, I'm just checking it. 

BRONWYN

Well, it's there. 

ALAN

Yeah, that's fine.

TERRI
Another area where we've seen a great deal of public anger is in council housing. Now, what is the proposal here?

ALAN
I meant the second... Sorry, I meant the second one... When you gave me the choice before, I meant the second choice, where the figures are adjusted for inflection.

BRONWYN
Well, Alan, we've made no secret of the fact that we're not going to keep pace with inflation. In fact, it's one of the few issues that we have cross-party agreement on, so... 

ALAN

Right.

BRONWYN
We've made no secret of the fact that we're going to have to have to make...

ALAN [interrupting]
Bus, bus, bus, bus fares! 

BRONWYN

I'm sorry? 

ALAN

Bus fares! Have you not put up bus fares? 

BRONWYN

As we said in our manifesto, we won't be putting up bus fares in any... 

ALAN

Have you put up bus fares?

BRONWYN
Not in real terms. 

ALAN

Have you put up bus fares? 

BRONWYN

In line with inflation, we have had to keep pace...

ALAN
Yes or no, have you put up bus fares? 

BRONWYN

In our manifesto... 

ALAN

Have you...

BRONWYN

...we have stated...

ALAN
Have you, have you... Have.. you put... up bus... fares? 

BRONWYN

We've only put up bus fares...

ALAN
Have you put up bus fares? 

BRONWYN

Yes, but only in as much... 

ALAN [victorious]

Yes, but you... yes, but you... yes, but... yes, yes, yes! Thank you! If you want to see that interview back online and see me getting a politician to admit something slightly different from what they said earlier, and then saying, look, you said something slightly different from what you said earlier! And so, one-nil!

TERRI
It's 10am!

ALAN
It's just after 10am! You have been listening to Alan Partridge, with special guest Tory Bronwyn Matthews, who's...

TERRI
Tory councillor Bronwyn Matthews.

ALAN
Yeah, her... and what's your name? 

TERRI

Terri Cohen. 

ALAN

Terry Cohen. Get well soon to Eddie Shadow. 

TERRI

...Shepard... 

ALAN

...who I'm sure will get well very soon, that's rhetoric, not a prognosis. Right now, you're listening to Mid-Morning Matters with Alan Partridge. See ya! 

[ALAN takes off his headphones and quickly exits the studio, while TERRI looks nonplussed and BRONWYN looks annoyed]

JINGLE [ALAN's voice]
Take a cup of personality. Pour in some chat. And drink up some good company! i.e. Mid-Morning Matters, with Alan Partridge!

[ALAN reappears in his own studio while TERRI shrugs and apologises to BRONWYN] 

ALAN

Good evening, morning, afternoon, who cares?! Who gives a... flying monkey?! Because today we're talking about things you don't see much of anymore! Already we have capes; tender meat; Horlicks; sparrows; Hula Hoops, the crisps, not the toy; Hula hoops, the toy, not the crisp; swimming pools with deep ends; and asbestos! We'll be asking, should we bring some and or all of them back?

[camera still in the conference studio, TERRI and BRONWYN pack up their belongings and leave]

ALAN
So do please text, Twitter, spam, fax, page, write and or email!

[cut to black]