IAP S01E03: Watership Alan
[Radio Norwich; ALAN is cueing up some jingle cartridges while a broad Norfolk accent speaks on the phone]
…er, then we bring the cows in, get them milked by 6am, so all the...
ALAN [interrupting]
ALAN [interrupting]
You’re listening to This Morning's Farmer...
[dead air]
ALAN
Go on, you were talking about cow... bringing-in.
CALLER: ROBERT
CALLER: ROBERT
Yeah, we bring them in for milking, and then all that can –
ALAN [interrupting]
ALAN [interrupting]
Pop the straightjackets on them?
CALLER: ROBERT
CALLER: ROBERT
What?
ALAN
ALAN
Thanks very much for being This Morning’s Farmer, Robert Moon. Robert, did you have your breakfast this morning?
CALLER: ROBERT
CALLER: ROBERT
Well I reckon the way things are going, I...
ALAN
Can you just answer yes, for the purposes of a joke?
CALLER: ROBERT
CALLER: ROBERT
Yes?
ALAN
ALAN
In which case, you must be a full moon! [dead air] Hello?
CALLER: ROBERT
CALLER: ROBERT
I’m still here.
ALAN
ALAN
Yeah, I was making a pun on your name.
CALLER: ROBERT
CALLER: ROBERT
Oh, right.
ALAN
ALAN
Anyway, thanks very much for being This Morning’s Farmer.
[jingle; Old MacDonald on an accordion, followed by a "moo!"]
ALAN
Sorry about that! Robert, a bit slow on the uptake there. I don’t know what he had for breakfast, presumably an infected spinal column in a bap! Just making a quick joke, there, about how infected cattle feed can attack the central nervous system. It’s just coming up to 5:35am, kommen sie bitte, und listen to Kraftwerk.
[title sequence; outside BBC Television Centre, "Put that in the bin"]
ALAN
Let’s get back to 'Cock-a-Doodle Who'.
[jingle; a high-pitched "Cock-a-doodle" followed by a lower "Who!"]
ALAN
...And I asked, "Who invented the skip?". Jack on line two...
CALLER: JACK
Morning Alan.
ALAN
ALAN
Good morning.
CALLER: JACK
CALLER: JACK
Er, look. I just wanted to say your comments earlier about farmers was ignorant and offensive!
ALAN
ALAN
Who invented the skip?
CALLER: JACK
I don’t care who invented the skip. I think it’s way out of order...
ALAN [louder]
Who invented the skip?
CALLER: JACK
CALLER: JACK
...you speak like a man who has no knowledge of his subject...
ALAN [ignoring JACK]
ALAN [ignoring JACK]
Who invented the skip?
CALLER: JACK
CALLER: JACK
...that you’re talking about, right?
ALAN
ALAN
Who invented the skip?
CALLER: JACK
CALLER: JACK
I don’t know invented the bloody skip. Bobby Moore, I don’t bloody know, do I?
ALAN
ALAN
That’s wrong.
CALLER: JACK
CALLER: JACK
I’m just sick and tired of you slagging farmers off. Are you going to apologise to them all on your show, are you? Eh, are you going to apol...
ALAN [interjecting]
ALAN [interjecting]
Come on! I mean, you must know some of the rotten rubbish you produce! I mean, tongue, for example, who eats tongue, for goodness’ sake?! Imagine a tongue sticking out of a sesame-seed cob?
CALLER: JACK
CALLER: JACK
Listen, you make these comments without any real knowledge about the pressures that we’re under. I just didn’t find it very funny, that’s all.
ALAN
ALAN
Well, I wouldn’t eat one of your tomatoes if it came up and said, "Eat me", which is not unlikely considering all the rubbish you stick in 'em!
CALLER: JACK
CALLER: JACK
You ignorant shit!
[ALAN tries to obscure the profanity with a cockerel-crowing jingle but is a little too late]
ALAN
Caroline, line four. Hello?
CALLER: CAROLINE
CALLER: CAROLINE
Hello Alan.
ALAN
ALAN
Hello.
CALLER: CAROLINE
CALLER: CAROLINE
Hello, yeah. Have you got a brain or is your head just full of shit?
[another missed profanity-shield jingle, a cow lowing this time]
ALAN
Okay, Mike from Palgrave, are you there, sir?
CALLER: MIKE
CALLER: MIKE
Oh, you ignorant cu...
[ready this time, ALAN manages to hit a fanfare jingle just in time]
[Linton Travel Tavern, ALAN's room]
ALAN [singing while doing stretches]
Take a pinch of white man, wrap him up in black skin… what’s the next bit?
MICHAEL [with a toolbox, tinkering with an air vent]
Er, add a dash of blue blood.
ALAN [singing]
MICHAEL [with a toolbox, tinkering with an air vent]
Er, add a dash of blue blood.
ALAN [singing]
Add a dash of blue blood.
MICHAEL
MICHAEL
...And a li'l biddy-bit of a Red Indian boy.
ALAN [singing]
ALAN [singing]
And… something else in Geordie.
MICHAEL
MICHAEL
This hasn’t been cleaned out for years. Hey, there’s a little Japanese soldier in here still fighting the war!
ALAN
ALAN
Ha ha! You daft racist! [singing] Curly black and kinky, mixed with yellow chinky… can you still say that?
MICHAEL
MICHAEL
Oh, aye. You’re all right with that, like, because it’s a race of people, and it’s a food.
ALAN
ALAN
Chinese. Yeah, you’re absolutely right, yeah.
[the phone rings]
ALAN
Partridge? Yes, I’ll hold, yep. [to MICHAEL, his hand over the receiver] I’m possibly up for presenting a Hamilton’s Water Break video.
MICHAEL
MICHAEL
Ooh!
ALAN
ALAN
Yeah, on the Norfolk Broads?
MICHAEL
MICHAEL
Aye.
ALAN
ALAN
I’ll tell you how I found out about this job. Bill Oddie was... [back to phone] Sorry, hello? Yes. Well, no, the last corporate job I did was for a company that makes toner for photocopiers. No, I was dressed as an exclamation mark. Well, no, I walked out after five minutes, it was demeaning. I had to flag a cab dressed up. Which helped, actually. Well I’d be delighted to do the job.
[pause]
Well now hang on, you can’t book me and ask me to pull out when Cliff Thorburn becomes available again. Well, now, look, you’ve got a choice. You can either book me now or wait for Cliff Thorburn. But if Cliff Thorburn goes AWOL you’re up slack alley. Now who’s it to be, me or Cliff Thorburn? Thank you very much indeed!
[triumphantly hangs up]
Kiss my face!
MICHAEL
Whey!
ALAN
I am going to present a corporate video for Hamilton’s Water Breaks!
MICHAEL
Champion.
[ALAN performs a rough facsimile of tai-chi]
ALAN
Oooh, wai-yai. That sounds Geordie, doesn’t it? Wai-yai.
[MICHAEL looks nonplussed]
ALAN [heading to the bathroom]
You ever been to the Far East, Michael?
MICHAEL
Well, only Manila, Hong Kong and Bangkok, like.
ALAN [interest piqued]
Bangkok?
MICHAEL
Aye.
ALAN
Erm, so what did you see in Bangkok?
MICHAEL
Oh I saw the Golden Temple, man. Beautiful, it was!
ALAN
Yeah, what else?
MICHAEL
Er, well there was the river market, like. All the little boats come up and they’ve got all the fresh produce on them, and –
ALAN [walking out the bathroom, interrupting]
Michael, Michael, Michael, Michael! Come on, tell me about the ladyboys.
MICHAEL
Oh, you mean those transsexuals? Aye, I seen them, but, you know, they’re disgusting I kept away from them.
ALAN
Oh God, yeah, yeah. Fascinating creatures, though. Looks like a lady, but really it’s a man. I don’t find them attractive, it’s just confusing. I don’t suppose you’ve got any army stories about them?
MICHAEL
I did hear about this corporal, right? And he’s in the third battalion this lad, but he’s right mean, okay? And he goes out in Bangkok, right, and all the prostitutes is comin’ up and saying "How much?", and he’s going "Oh I’m not paying that", right, And then this beautiful lassie comes up...
[LYNN knocks the door]
MICHAEL
...she’s gorgeous, man, and she’s half the price of the others. And they’re getting down to it...
[LYNN enters the room]
MICHAEL
...and he puts his hand up her skirt, gets a hold of the old meat and two veg, right? Thinks, "Hang on, I’ve paid my money, I’m going to have something", so he flips him over, and he f... f...
[MICHAEL spies LYNN, ALAN has his back to her]
MICHAEL
And funnily enough, it lands on its wheels, and it starts first time and they just drive away!
ALAN [confused]
Strangest story I’ve ever heard! Oh, hello. Lynn. Oh! I see what you were… ah, right, yes! Hello, Michael was just telling me an army story about a friend of his who slept with… a Land Rover. Lonely nights in the desert.
MICHAEL
That’s all fixed, now, Mr. Partridge. I’ll be on my way.
ALAN
Right, Okay. Just check, that wasn’t the real ending to the story, was it?
MICHAEL
No.
ALAN
You were just saying that because Lynn’s here?
MICHAEL
Aye.
ALAN
Right, fine.
[ALAN closes the door behind MICHAEL]
LYNN
Just a few things, Alan.
ALAN
Right.
LYNN
We’ve had a call from Norwich Radio. There’ve been more complaints from farmers about… what you said.
ALAN
Right, how many?
LYNN
Fifty.
ALAN
Oh, your age! Well, Hamilton’s have –
LYNN [referring to ALAN's very short shorts]
Alan, you’ve come free at the side.
ALAN
Oh, sorry! Sorry. It was a genuine mistake. Anyway, I got the Hamilton’s job.
LYNN
Yes, I’ve been speaking to them. They’re coming over this afternoon.
ALAN
Right.
LYNN
Did they say that you have to have your wife on the shoot?
ALAN
Oh, Lynn, did you tell them that my wife has left me and she’s living with a narcissistic sports pimp?
LYNN
You’ve… you’ve popped out again.
ALAN
Oh! That wasn’t deliberate, I promise you. It’s not a cry for help. It’s just I’ve had these shorts since 1982, they did have an underpant lining, but it’s perished. They’ve taken a bit of a pounding over the years. In fact, can you get me some new ones, please?
[LYNN writes the request down, as ALAN grabs the phone and starts dialling]
ALAN
I’m going to have to ring Carol and ask if she’ll do the corporate video. Lynn, Lynn, you speak to her, you speak to her, please.
LYNN [takes the receiver]
Hello. Yes, he is. [hands the phone to ALAN] It’s a man.
ALAN [sits down behind LYNN, the cord wrapped around her neck]
Oh, that’s her boyfriend. Hello? Yeah, it’s Alan, your lover’s husband. The immersion heater? It’s underneath the stairs. You only really need to press that if you’re having a deep bath. Well, put it on an hour before, Bob’s your uncle, you’ve got a deep bath. Yeah, well if you would, please, yes. [to LYNN] He’s gone to get Carol. You speak to her, you speak to her.
[ALAN hands the phone back, the cord is now wrapped around both their necks and they're tethered uncomfortably close to each other]
LYNN
Hello, Carol, how are you? Oh, er, Carol, would you like to be in Alan’s corporate video? Right. [to ALAN] She says no and she wants to speak to you.
ALAN [whispering]
Tell her I’m not here.
LYNN
He’s not here. [to ALAN] She says she can hear your voice.
ALAN
Erm, call her a fat cow then hang up.
LYNN
Fat cow!
[LYNN slams the phone down, the cord entanglement pulling both their heads down to the mattress]
ALAN
Well done, Lynn. Now, before we get up, I’m just going to warn you, I have popped out again. It’s in no way connected with our proximity, so just don’t turn round.
[in a single, fluid motion ALAN disentangles them both from the phone cord, stands up and adjust himself]
Right, the boys are back in the barracks! [singing] Take a pinch of white man…
[ALAN and LYNN in the lift to the lobby]
ALAN [singing]
What we need is a great big melting pot, big enough to take the world and all it's got. Keep it turning...
LYNN
I could pretend to be your wife.
[ALAN stands in awkward silence until the lift dings and the doors open, he gets out with a sigh of relief and marches ahead of LYNN to reception]
ALAN
Morning.
SUSAN
Hello, Alan!
ALAN [watching a disgruntled LYNN head outside]
Lynn’s a good worker, but I suppose she’s a bit like Bert Reynolds. Very reliable, but she’s got a moustache. Bit like ladyboys. Look like a woman, but really it’s a man. I mean, I don’t find them attractive, just confusing.
[SOPHIE appears behind reception]
ALAN
Morning, Sophie. You’re not a man, are you?
SOPHIE
No. Would you settle this month’s bill, please?
ALAN
Right. Eight pounds ‘Miscellaneous Services’. That sounds disconcertingly vague.
SOPHIE
You used this pay channel...
[SOPHIE writes discreetly on the corner of a desk pad and turns away to hide her amusement]
ALAN
Ah, right, yeah. It’s very confusing. Sophie, I find the pay channels very confusing. Can I just explain? I was trying to access Driving Miss Daisy.
SOPHIE
Oh, right. And that’s why you only watched it for fifteen minutes?
ALAN
Yes, because it was the wrong film. Have you seen it, is it good?
SOPHIE
What, Driving Miss Daisy or Bangkok Chick-Boys?
ALAN
Driving Miss Daisy. Is it a good film?
SOPHIE
I don’t know, I haven’t seen it. Was Bangkok Chick-Boys good?
ALAN
I don’t know, I didn’t see it. I couldn’t see it because I was in the bathroom.
[BEN enters]
SOPHIE
Oh, Ben. Mr. Partridge was just saying that he couldn’t see Bangkok Chick-Boys from his bathroom.
BEN
Well you can if you angle the mirror by the door. Do you want me to show you?
ALAN
No! I only watched it for five minutes. The remote control’s confusing.
BEN
Oh, what you will have done is, when it flashed up on your screen, ‘Do you want to watch Bangkok Chick-boys?’ you must have pressed the button that said ‘yes’.
ALAN
Yeah, well, as I say, it’s very confusing.
BEN
Do you want me to come up and show you the button that says ‘no’?
ALAN
Yes. I mean, yes, I want you to come up and show me the button that says ‘no’.
BEN
Oh, and I’ll show you that mirror thing.
ALAN [annoyed]
No. [to SOPHIE] Look, do you want me to settle this bill?
SOPHIE
Er, no. I mean, yes! You’re right, it is confusing, isn’t it?
ALAN [not amused]
Yes.
[Linton bar; MICHAEL is on bar duty]
MICHAEL
Oh, hello Mr. Partridge. Drink?
ALAN
No, no. Have you got any tonic water?
MICHAEL
Aye.
ALAN
With some ice… and… a segment of lemon… yeah, and could you top it up with some Gordon’s Gin.
MICHAEL
Gin and tonic.
ALAN
Yeah, that’s right. Yeah, fine.
[LYNN enters]
LYNN
Hello Alan.
ALAN
Oh, hello.
LYNN
The gentlemen from the corporate video are on their way.
ALAN
Excellent, Well, I’ve done my homework. Would you like a drink?
LYNN
Oh, thank you! Well, I’ll have a Baileys, please!
ALAN
One small Baileys, please. Lynn, I was thinking about getting a substitute wife, and I would really love you to go down to Sol Dangerfield’s casting agency and tell them to get me a forty-year-old scorcher. And do use that word.
LYNN
Right.
[LYNN leaves just as the STEVE and HUGH from Hamilton’s enter]
STEVE
Er, are you Alan Partridge?
ALAN
Yes.
STEVE
Hi! I’m Steve Bennett. I’m the director of the Hamilton’s Water Breaks video.
[ALAN and STEVE shake hands]
ALAN
Oh, right. We spoke on the phone?
STEVE
Yeah. This is Hugh Morris, he’s the marketing director for Hamilton’s. He’s going to be coming along with us, sort of keeping an eye on us.
ALAN
Make sure I don’t sink the boat and drown everyone like a big twit!
HUGH [uses a tracheostomy voice box , his voice slightly mechanical and gargled]
No, I’ll be down the pub, probably.
ALAN
What?
HUGH
I’ll be down the pub, getting the beers in!
ALAN
Why are you speaking like that?
HUGH
Oh, it’s a voice box.
ALAN
That’s great fun! Do you get those at a toyshop?
HUGH
Alan, I haven’t got any vocal chords.
ALAN
You sound like the girl in The Exorcist.
[HUGH and STEVE laugh, not out of any amusement, more just keeping the talent happy; forced laughter, backslaps and thumbs ups, evenly distributed]
ALAN
I’ve got to say, I love the script, it’s superb. There’s a lovely phrase in it, which says, "Boating appeals to both friends and family alike". Lovely phrase, very simple, very moving...
STEVE
Alan, it’s a boat video. You know, we’re not making a James Bond movie.
ALAN [to HUGH]
Interesting, because you do sound like a baddie in a James Bond film. Dr. No… vocal chords!
STEVE
No, Alan, we want to keep it simple. That’s why we hired you – you’re a local fella, you know, that means good communications with tradesmen, with landlords, with farmers and at the end of the day, the pubs are open, and we’ll be in there getting pissed, really!
ALAN
Sounds good to me! Michael, do you want to pop that in the bin?
MICHAEL
Aye.
ALAN [hands MICHAEL the folder]
Just some notes I made last night, for a laugh. I was drunk, you know. Yeah, I mean, I woke up this morning asleep on the sink, just like this. I’d been asleep for eight hours like that. Got up, walked downstairs, straight downstairs. Had breakfast, didn’t even wash my hands... ‘Cause I’m a bloody bloke!
[HUGH and STEVE cheer in a blokey fashion]
ALAN
Yeah. Anyway, there’s the bar. Gentlemen, choose your weapons.
HUGH and STEVE
What?
ALAN
I’m offering you a drink.
STEVE
Oh, right.
HUGH
Now you’re talking my language!
ALAN [looks mildly disgusted]
I hope not.
STEVE
Pint of lager.
HUGH
Pint of lager.
ALAN
Two lagers. Three lagers.
MICHAEL
Three pints of lager, righty-ho.
STEVE
You’re having a lager and these two drinks here?
ALAN
Yes, yes. These… are… they’re chasers.
STEVE
I’ve never had one of those.
HUGH [incredulous]
God!
ALAN
You’ve never had a lager and gin and tonic and Baileys Irish Cream chaser?
STEVE
No.
ALAN
You big girls’ bras!
HUGH
Has that got a name, that drink?
ALAN
Yeah, they’re called, er, Lady-boys.
STEVE
Right, because gin and tonic and Baileys are, like, a lady’s drink, and lager’s a boy’s drink?
ALAN
That’s why I said that. Cheers.
[in quick succession, ALAN takes a gulp from the lager, then the Baileys and then the gin and tonic]
ALAN [hoarse]
Oh, Lady-boys! Do you want one?
STEVE and HUGH
Yeah, yeah yeah!
ALAN
Great! Three, no, four Lady-boys.
MICHAEL
Four Lady-boys, righty-ho!
ALAN
How much is that?
MICHAEL
That’ll be, er, thirty-three pounds.
[ALAN grimaces]
ALAN
Well, here’s to a good corporate video, and lots of being men.
[The three men chink their glasses and drink their lagers, HUGH's voice box making a gargling sound as he does. We fade to black briefly, to ALAN leaning against the bar, festooned the detritus from a number of rounds of Lady-boys, his eyes closed]
STEVE [nudging ALAN]
Alan?
ALAN [suddenly stirred]
Oh! I’m confused! What time is it?
HUGH
Six o’clock.
ALAN
How long have we been drinking?
STEVE
Three quarters of an hour.
ALAN
I think I’ll, erm, go to my room and, er, lean on the sink. And have a little bit of… sick.
[ALAN wanders off, not in the direction of his room]
MICHAEL
Mr. Partridge, that’s the kitchens!
ALAN
Yeah, I’m going to… cook all the food.
STEVE
Alan, this is a hotel!
ALAN
Yeah, a three-star!
[ALAN's room; he's sitting on the bed, belligerently dialling the phone, his inebriated state beginning to attack his impulse control]
ALAN [slightly slurring]
Hello, Carol? It’s Alan. How are you? Me? I’m having a fantastic time. Yeah. I’m having the best time since… sliced bread. How’s Mr. Planet of the Apes-man? Oh. Is he still driving that Renault Mégane? Yeah, can I just read you something from Top Gear magazine? No, it’s alright, I’ve got it here, I’ve got it here, "With a mere ninety break-horse-power available, progress is too leisurely to be called fast, but on the motorway in fifth gear the Mégane’s slow pace really becomes a pain. Uphill runs become power-sappingly mundane, while overtaking National Express coaches can become a long, drawn-out affair". Not my words, Carol. The words of Top! Gear! Magazine! Hello?
[ALAN puts the phone down, there is a knock on the door.]
ALAN
Come in.
[BEN enters]
BEN
Hiya. I’ve come to show you how to use your telly.
ALAN
Oh yes, yes. It’s very confusing.
BEN [flicking through channels with the remote]
Yeah. So that’s Sky Movies… Sports… CNN… Adult Channel. That’s your dirty movies.
ALAN
Yeah. Not really my cup of tea.
BEN
Well I can disconnect it. Put a scrambler on it, just lock it out the system.
ALAN
Er… that’ll probably be a lot of trouble, won’t it?
BEN
Not really. It’s just a switch.
ALAN [caught between his needs and reputation]
Erm…
BEN
Look, it’s up to you, yeah? You’re the boss. What you get up to in here, it’s your business.
ALAN [defensively]
I don’t get up to anything!
BEN
Do you want me to disconnect it?
ALAN
Yes.
BEN
Okay... There, that’s disconnected.
ALAN
Good.
[pub beer garden in a marina; STEVE and a couple of the Hamilton's crew are sat drinking, quietly talking amongst each other, one of the men wears a Smoke & Strong Whiskey t-shirt, ooooo it's a good album. ALAN enters with a pint of bitter]
ALAN
Alright, lads?
CREW
Alright, Alan.
ALAN
I got really drunk last night. I was sick everywhere. Were you sick?
CREW and STEVE
No, not really. No.
[a couple of women walk past, the CREW dispense "Phwoar", "Awright?" and "Look at the legs on that!" in that tawdry way blokes do]
ALAN [trying to join in]
Mmm. She was certainly first in the queue when God was handing out… chests, or, mammary glands. Ooh! I’d love to have it off with her. Urrgh! Sex.
[corporate video]
ALAN [voiceover]
For a British holiday with a difference on a boat, always choose Hamilton’s Water Breaks. With the melting of the polar ice caps, most of East Anglia will be underwater in the next thirty years. So make the most of the stunning fens before the floods come, causing a little concern for these local farmers I chatted to.
[shot of ALAN pursued by four menacing farmers before cutting to ALAN and his agency 'wife']
ALAN [voiceover]
This is my wife and I, going off to the local marketplace, where we could buy anything from plimsolls to posters of famous Hollywood stars.
[inside the barge, ALAN presents the on board facilities]
ALAN
This chemical toilet is a Saniflow 33. Now this little babe can cope with anything, and I mean anything. Earlier on I put in a pound of mashed-up Dundee cake. Let’s take a look. Not a trace! Peace of mind I’m sure, especially if you have elderly relatives on board.
[tracking profile shot of ALAN at the helm]
ALAN
Aaah! Try pedestrianising this!
STEVE [off-camera]
Okay, can you hold that pose, now, Alan?
[on the riverbank, the menacing farmers, come into view shouting insults. ALAN tries to ignore them]
FARMER
Partridge, you wanker!
ALAN
We’ll dub that out. Play some music over it.
[inside the barge; ALAN is sat down while his ESCORT 'wife' serves breakfast]
ALAN
How are your, er... how’s your friends?
ESCORT [curtly]
Fine.
ALAN [voiceover]
It might look a bit poky from the outside, but a Hamilton’s boat is deceptively large. My wife and I found it actually offers the kind of luxury and comfort you’d normally associate with a good quality static caravan.
ALAN
You’re not having any bacon?
ESCORT
No, I’m vegetarian.
ALAN
Yes… I know. Just a joke.
[riverside; ALAN is interviewing ALICE, a young woman]
ALAN
I’m joined by Alice, who’s not going to shrink me into a little bottle. She’s going to tell me about Hamilton’s Holiday Breaks. You regularly book, don’t you?
ALICE
Yep.
ALAN
And do you do that with your boyfriend, or…?
ALICE
No, I do it alone.
ALAN [taken aback]
What, you book alone?
ALICE
Yep.
ALAN
How old are you?
ALICE
Twenty-five.
ALAN
What do you do on a boat, alone?
ALICE
Read a book, relax, look at the scenery.
ALAN [to someone off-camera]
No, she sounds weird. We can’t use that. Sorry, thank-you, love. Thank you. [ALICE leaves] A bit odd.
STEVE [off]
Cut!
[Radio Norwich; conference studio]
JINGLE
"Up with the Partridge".
ALAN
You’re joining me, Alan Partridge, and Peter Baxendale Thomas of the Norfolk Farmer’s Union. Now, yesterday I, sort of, trod in a rather large farmer’s pat when I made some comments about intensive farming. Where did I go wrong?
PETER BAXENDALE THOMAS
Well I think your comments were ill-founded. They were deeply ignorant, they showed a complete lack of understanding of modern agricultural methods, and simply served to highlight the sort of intense stupidity that farmers encounter from armchair pundits who forget to think before they open their mouths. But with a full and frank apology, that you’re about to give us this morning, I’m sure you can dig yourself out of this rather ugly hole.
ALAN [unmoved]
Yeah. Erm, sorry. Er, do you have any requests, anybody you want to say hello to, or…?
PETER
Look, I’m just trying to say that when you make ignorant comments like you did the other day, you serve simply to alarm the public and inflame the farmers, which is exactly what you’ve done. Why don’t you just apologise and make it nice and simple –
ALAN
MOOOOO! Thought that’d fool you! You could talk the hind-legs off a donkey. But your donkeys are probably born without hind legs because of all the chemicals you put in their… chips.
PETER
Alan, I don’t have donkeys. And even if I did I wouldn’t feed them chips. This is exactly the sort of rubbish you came up with the other day when you talked about putting a spine in a bap.
ALAN
I admit that was a mistake. I shouldn’t have said bap.
PETER
Well, good. Well, that’s a start.
ALAN
Well, no, I should have said baguette. Because a spinal column would fit in a baguette.
PETER
Listen, you’ve upset half the farmers in this community. You seem to alienate everybody you come across, including, I gather, your wife, which is why you end up living like some bloody tramp in a lay-by.
ALAN
It’s a travel tavern.
PETER
I don’t care what you call your sordid little grief-hole. It makes no difference to me. The fact is that an awful lot of my colleagues are –
ALAN [interrupting]
Are farmyard animals, yes.
PETER
You’re talking about my friends, here.
ALAN
I’ve probably got more friends than you’ve got cows.
PETER
This is ridiculous.
ALAN
How many cows have you got?
PETER
I’ve got... a hundred cattle.
ALAN
Yeah? I’ve got a hundred and four friends.
PETER
I don’t see what this is going to gain you. Why don’t you just issue a frank and full retraction of what you said, and you’ll get yourself out of a lot of silly bother.
ALAN
Yeah, you are a big posh sod with plums in your mouth.
PETER
I don’t think it’s got anything to do with class...
ALAN
...and the plums have mutated and they’ve got beaks.
PETER
Beaks?
ALAN
Yes, beaks.
PETER
Have you got any more of this, or do you want to stop at quacking plums?
ALAN
No, no. You make pigs smoke.
PETER
I want to know where you think you earned the right to go swanning off on these ludicrous flights of –
ALAN
Ah, swans! You feed beef burgers to swans.
PETER
Do I?
ALAN
Yes, you do.
PETER
Alright, well perhaps you can tell me what’s wrong with feeding beef burgers to swans?
ALAN
What?
PETER
Well if you fill a swan’s stomach up with beef burgers it’s full of fat and it’ll float better. That’s why we do it.
ALAN
Really?
PETER
No, you complete cretin, I’m just contributing to this total farce! What else are you going to accuse me of?
ALAN
I’ll tell you what. You farmers, you don’t like outsiders, do you? You like to stick to your own.
PETER
What do you mean by that?
ALAN
I’ve seen the big-eared boys on farms.
PETER
Oh, for goodness’ sake.
ALAN
If you see a lovely field with a family having a picnic, and there’s a nice pond in it, you fill in the pond with concrete, you plough the family into the field, you blow up the tree, and use the leaves to make a dress for your wife who’s also your brother.
PETER
Look, have I got anything else to say here or shall I go?
ALAN
Well, listen, I’ll tell you what the point is. You have big sheds, but nobody’s allowed in, and inside these big sheds are twenty-foot high chickens. Because of all the chemicals you put in them.
[no longer willing to participate in the circus, PETER gathers his effects and leaves the studio while ALAN continues his screed]
ALAN
And these chickens are scared! They don’t know why they’re so big! They go "Oh, why am I so massive?!", and they’re looking down on all the other little chickens, and they think they’re in an aeroplane because all the other chickens are so small… do you deny that? No. His silence, I think, speaks volumes.
[LYNN enters, ALAN gestures her to take PETER’s now-vacated seat]
ALAN
And… and basically, do you agree that everything I’ve said thus far is completely correct?
LYNN [normal voice]
Yes.
[ALAN gestures to lower her voice]
LYNN [deeper voice]
Yes.
ALAN
And do you also run over badgers in your tractor, for fun?
LYNN
Yes.
ALAN
Thank you, Peter Baxendale Thomas. This is T’Pau.
[off-air; China In Your Hand by T'Pau]
LYNN
How did it go?
ALAN
Oh, you know. Up and down.
LYNN
More bad news, I’m afraid. The actress playing your wife can’t do the filming today.
ALAN
Oh, for God’s... why not?!
LYNN
She’s got a part in The Bill. She’s playing a shoplifter.
ALAN [actually impressed]
Oh, that’s quite good. Oh well, we’ll just have to think of something.
[the deck of a Hamilton's barge; a clapperboard cue up another take. ALAN is sitting enjoying a drink with his 'wife' who has her back to us]
FEMALE VOICE
Scene thirteen, take two.
ALAN
One of the benefits of global warming and international terrorism is that more and more people are holidaying in England. I’ll drink to that, cheers!
[ALAN chinks glasses with his 'wife']
ALAN [to STEVE, off-camera]
How was that, okay?
STEVE [off]
No, it’s not working. You can tell.
ALAN
Really?
[ALAN's ‘wife’ turns around to reveal 'she' is a stocky, middle-aged man in a cheap black wig and floral dress]
FEMALE VOICE [clapperboard]
Scene thirteen, take three.
[a mannequin is in place of ALAN's on-screen wife, her back to us]
ALAN
One of the benefits of global warming and international terrorism is...
[the mannequin falls forward, limply]
ALAN
You alright there, love? [adjusts the mannequin upright again] Is that...?
STEVE [off]
No, no, no. Cut it.
ALAN
No, right.
[on the bow of the barge, the wife mannequin, still back to us, is seated. Behind ALAN, the barge approaches a bridge ominously populated by farmers]
ALAN
...Absolutely! The Norfolk Broads offer the true peace and tranquillity of the English countryside. A million miles from the urban decay of the Manchester Ship Canal, and the pot-smoking, whore-ridden waterways of Amsterdam. Indeed, disused cotton-mills and legalised hardcore pornography are a million miles away from your thoughts as you negotiate the Norfolk Broads. In fact, the very fact that hardcore pornography is not on the agenda...
[a large, dead cow lands on ALAN, flooring him. Panic ensues amongst the crew]
HUGH
What’s going on? What’s going on?
STEVE
It’s a cow. It’s a dead cow! Where the bloody hell did that come from?
HUGH
Where did the cow come from?
HUGH
Farmers!
STEVE
I know it’s not funny. I know it’s not funny.
ALAN [pained]
Can you hear me? I’m trapped under a cow!
STEVE
Alright, he’s Okay. Look, get the cow of the boat please.
HUGH
Get that cow off the boat!
ALAN
I’m not okay. I’m not okay. It smells! I can feel an udder on my leg!
STEVE
Call Cliff Thorburn now, please.
ALAN
Cliff Thorburn is not, primarily, a presenter. He is a snooker... ex-snooker player... and is an unknown quantity.
HUGH
Yeah, but he’s not under a cow.
[tight close-up of Alan’s head, speaking to camera]
ALAN
So book a holiday with Hamilton’s. "Water-way" to have a good time! Cheers!
[an arm holds up a pint of bitter to ALAN’s mouth, he takes a sip then looks in pain]
STEVE [off]
Cut! Okay, stick him in the ambulance.
[we pull back to reveal Alan, tied onto a stretcher, which has been held vertical by two paramedics. The arm belonged to a man wearing ALAN’s blazer. The paramedics carry Alan away. It's a wrap]
STEVE
Lovely, great, well done.
HUGH [off]
Cheers, Alan!
ALAN
Thank you.
HUGH
Well done.
[Linton; ALAN's room, he positions a mirror angled by the bathroom door like BEN advised earlier. He takes of his sweater to reveal a neck brace, and slumps on the bed, switching the TV on]
TV CONTINUITY [female voice]
Hello, and welcome to The Learning Zone, Thursday night into Friday morning on BBC2.
[ALAN leans over and picks up the phone]
ALAN
Hello, is that reception? Susan? Oh, hi. Can you make pornography come on my telly please? Oh, that’s very nice of you. Thank you.
[he puts the phone down and then looks at his hand, a couple of the fingers now in a splint, and groans in disappointment]
Comments
Post a Comment