2011: Interview with Richard Bacon
RICHARD
So here is Alan Partridge. Alan Partridge, good afternoon.
So here is Alan Partridge. Alan Partridge, good afternoon.
ALAN
Good afternoon, Richard. Very pleased to be on your show. It's great to see some of the youngsters breaking through in broadcasting.
Good afternoon, Richard. Very pleased to be on your show. It's great to see some of the youngsters breaking through in broadcasting.
RICHARD [laughing]
Thank you very much, what a nice compliment.
Thank you very much, what a nice compliment.
ALAN
You're welcome.
RICHARD
We're going to talk about your book. It's called I, Partridge, We Need to Talk About Alan...
ALAN
Yeah, that's right
RICHARD
Sorry?
ALAN
No, it's... I'm just agreeing with you that, that is the title.
No, it's... I'm just agreeing with you that, that is the title.
RICHARD
Okay, good, thank you. You don't need to agree with me when I state a fact.
Okay, good, thank you. You don't need to agree with me when I state a fact.
ALAN
Okay, fair... fair does.
RICHARD
It's your second autobiography. The first one was called Bouncing Back and, if I'm not mistaken, it was pulped?
ALAN
You are not mistaken, but pulping isn't the end of the world, Richard.
You are not mistaken, but pulping isn't the end of the world, Richard.
RICHARD
Well, it is for the book.
ALAN
No, it isn't. Take a look at biscuits. Not now, but take a look at biscuits when you get the opportunity. If you pulp a packet of biscuits, you haven't lost some biscuits, you've gained the base of a cheesecake.
RICHARD
Mm.
ALAN
I mean, that's an anecdotal thing for you to ruminate on, besides which, it was going on to an exciting new life as recycled paper. I remember one particular unkind reviewer said he wouldn't wipe his arse with it. Well, if he buys his toilet roll from Tescos, he may well have done. In that respect, particularly, I had... I had the last laugh.
RICHARD
Now, you've worked with a number of people, and you've parted on bad terms with many of them.
Now, you've worked with a number of people, and you've parted on bad terms with many of them.
ALAN
Yep.
RICHARD
Do you think that you're a hard person to get along with?
ALAN
No, I think the truth is I'm actually very easy to get along with. I mean, you and I have been chatting here, we chatted outside, there was no exchange of blows.
No, I think the truth is I'm actually very easy to get along with. I mean, you and I have been chatting here, we chatted outside, there was no exchange of blows.
RICHARD
Went fine!
ALAN
Exactly. The truth is... when people say that to me, I go, "Who the hell are they talking about? Because it sure as heck ain't me!". I'm so chilled off, it's not true. In fact... well, it is true, so ignore that. People say to me, "How can you be so relaxed, Al? Do you smoke doobies for breakfast?".
RICHARD
Do you?
ALAN
No, of course not. A, it's illegal. B, I don't like them. But I reply "No. I have six hash browns, a couple of fried eggs, a ladle of baked beans, half a pint of apple juice, maybe a full pint if I've slept with my mouth open. On rare occasions, if I've been for a run, for example, I may top things up with a quick jam sandwich". For those listeners tuning in from abroad, jam is basically a... sugary fruit paste.
RICHARD
Of course it is.
RICHARD
So you're not hard to get along with? So would you then say that you have, Alan, many friends?
So you're not hard to get along with? So would you then say that you have, Alan, many friends?
ALAN
Yeah, I would. Only last month I was on holiday with, um... Eamon Holmes.
Yeah, I would. Only last month I was on holiday with, um... Eamon Holmes.
RICHARD
Really?
Really?
ALAN
Yeah, we went to NY - that's New York, by the way - we were there during the 9/11 anniversary. We went to Ground Zero for the Service of Remembrance, and we stood in silence among the many New Yorkers. Eamon was eating a cheeseburger, but he was doing it very quietly, for him. Yeah, I have to say, I've never seen a man eat a burger with as much reverence for the occasion.
Yeah, we went to NY - that's New York, by the way - we were there during the 9/11 anniversary. We went to Ground Zero for the Service of Remembrance, and we stood in silence among the many New Yorkers. Eamon was eating a cheeseburger, but he was doing it very quietly, for him. Yeah, I have to say, I've never seen a man eat a burger with as much reverence for the occasion.
RICHARD
Sounds quite touching.
Sounds quite touching.
ALAN
Well, it was. It was obviously, erm... a bit of a downer. So to cheer ourselves up, we all went to a lap dancing club. Met a fascinating young lady called Sugar, I don't think that was her real name, unless she was Sir Alan's daughter. Mind you, she was no Apprentice. She was a bloody magician!
Well, it was. It was obviously, erm... a bit of a downer. So to cheer ourselves up, we all went to a lap dancing club. Met a fascinating young lady called Sugar, I don't think that was her real name, unless she was Sir Alan's daughter. Mind you, she was no Apprentice. She was a bloody magician!
RICHARD
He's an interesting fella, Eamon Holmes. You get on... Do you get on well with him?
He's an interesting fella, Eamon Holmes. You get on... Do you get on well with him?
ALAN
Oh, absolutely. He's a marvellous company, although he does get very bad tempered if he hasn't had a feed. But these days I've just learned to carry a Powerbar.
Oh, absolutely. He's a marvellous company, although he does get very bad tempered if he hasn't had a feed. But these days I've just learned to carry a Powerbar.
RICHARD
Thank you for that insight into Eamon Holmes. In the book, you deal, Alan, I think it's fair to say, very frankly with your problems with Toblerone addiction, and then your subsequent weight loss. How, in the end, did you lose the weight?
Thank you for that insight into Eamon Holmes. In the book, you deal, Alan, I think it's fair to say, very frankly with your problems with Toblerone addiction, and then your subsequent weight loss. How, in the end, did you lose the weight?
ALAN
I just exercised, Rich...
RICHARD
...ard.
ALAN
...Richard. One day I lost five pounds, although it was partly because I'd eaten some bad ham. And I just thought, well, whatever works. After that I used to seek out bad ham. I'd go into supermarkets and say, "Can I have a pound of your baddest ham?". And I don't mean 'bad' in a black, er... street-culture kind of way. I mean, genuinely awful ham.
...Richard. One day I lost five pounds, although it was partly because I'd eaten some bad ham. And I just thought, well, whatever works. After that I used to seek out bad ham. I'd go into supermarkets and say, "Can I have a pound of your baddest ham?". And I don't mean 'bad' in a black, er... street-culture kind of way. I mean, genuinely awful ham.
RICHARD
I see. You also talk very openly about your relationships. You had an overseas girlfriend at one point.
I see. You also talk very openly about your relationships. You had an overseas girlfriend at one point.
ALAN
Yes, I did.
RICHARD
Tell me about her. What was her name again?
ALAN
Sonja. A very good friend of mine had a stunning Ukrainian girlfriend. And he arranged similar girlfriends for six or seven of us, and mine was probably the second best. We got on brilliantly, by the way. She was very adventurous when it came to lovemaking, I remember one time we got home drunk, I crashed out. But she must have had her way with me while I slept because I woke up the next day and I had ligature marks on my wrists and carpet burns on my quads. And rudimentary forensics suggested to me that it must have involved her dragging me around the floor, at some speed. I reconstructed it, just to be sure, by getting my assistant to drag me around which she managed to do with surprising ease, because she's very strong and has a low centre of gravity.
Sonja. A very good friend of mine had a stunning Ukrainian girlfriend. And he arranged similar girlfriends for six or seven of us, and mine was probably the second best. We got on brilliantly, by the way. She was very adventurous when it came to lovemaking, I remember one time we got home drunk, I crashed out. But she must have had her way with me while I slept because I woke up the next day and I had ligature marks on my wrists and carpet burns on my quads. And rudimentary forensics suggested to me that it must have involved her dragging me around the floor, at some speed. I reconstructed it, just to be sure, by getting my assistant to drag me around which she managed to do with surprising ease, because she's very strong and has a low centre of gravity.
RICHARD
I mean, bear in mind that we're on mid-afternoon radio here on BBC Radio Five Live.
I mean, bear in mind that we're on mid-afternoon radio here on BBC Radio Five Live.
ALAN
Sure. Sure. Sure.
RICHARD
Are you a fan of Five Live?
ALAN
I love Five Live. I don't know why it's not digital.
RICHARD
Well, it is digital.
ALAN
Is it?
RICHARD
It's medium wave and... and it's on both.
ALAN
And FM?
RICHARD
It's not on FM.
ALAN [disappointed]
Oh.
RICHARD
You're not together with Sonja... you've described in detail there, you're not together anymore, are you?
ALAN
No, no, it didn't work out, Richard. As these things often don't with Eastern European women. But I do still see her regularly.
No, no, it didn't work out, Richard. As these things often don't with Eastern European women. But I do still see her regularly.
RICHARD
Oh, do you? You're friends, are you?
Oh, do you? You're friends, are you?
ALAN
No, she's my cleaner.
RICHARD
You also describe in the book a period in your life when you lived for many months in a hotel. And you talk about developing something called Kettle Cuisine. What is Kettle Cuisine?
ALAN
Well, Kettle Cuisine. Well, as a long-term guest, I didn't always need to eat in the restaurant. Don't forget that every room has a mini-kettle. That instantly opened the door to everything from Cup-a-Soups to Pot Noodles. And combine the kettle with the refrigerated mini bar and, wallop, you've got yourself jelly.
Well, Kettle Cuisine. Well, as a long-term guest, I didn't always need to eat in the restaurant. Don't forget that every room has a mini-kettle. That instantly opened the door to everything from Cup-a-Soups to Pot Noodles. And combine the kettle with the refrigerated mini bar and, wallop, you've got yourself jelly.
RICHARD
Of course.
Of course.
ALAN
At one point, I smuggled a microwave into my room. But I got rumbled when passing hotel staff kept hearing the ping, or ding, if you will. I tried to claim I wasn't using the microwave to prepare food. But they refused to believe that I only had one there to speed dry hand-washed undergarments. So, you know, you win some, you lose some.
At one point, I smuggled a microwave into my room. But I got rumbled when passing hotel staff kept hearing the ping, or ding, if you will. I tried to claim I wasn't using the microwave to prepare food. But they refused to believe that I only had one there to speed dry hand-washed undergarments. So, you know, you win some, you lose some.
RICHARD
Were you happy in that hotel?
Were you happy in that hotel?
ALAN
[sighs deeply] Oh, Richard. Happiness is... I mean, is a man... I mean, would you ask... I mean, it's a difficult question to answer. Ask a man who is... who has survived a month in a boat, cut adrift in the Pacific Ocean before he's found... ask him, is he happy, was he happy in that boat? And you won't get a straight answer.
[sighs deeply] Oh, Richard. Happiness is... I mean, is a man... I mean, would you ask... I mean, it's a difficult question to answer. Ask a man who is... who has survived a month in a boat, cut adrift in the Pacific Ocean before he's found... ask him, is he happy, was he happy in that boat? And you won't get a straight answer.
RICHARD
One story that stood out to me in the book was your wedding day. You were married to Carol, you're no longer together?
One story that stood out to me in the book was your wedding day. You were married to Carol, you're no longer together?
ALAN
No.
RICHARD
And you express your concerns about that...
ALAN [interjecting]
And we're no longer together and we remain on unpleasant terms.
And we're no longer together and we remain on unpleasant terms.
RICHARD
...you express your concerns about there being no disability access to the church.
...you express your concerns about there being no disability access to the church.
ALAN
Well, Carol and I were married at a little village in the Norfolk village of Caistor St Edmund. We'd been to visit the previous summer and had both fallen madly in love with the place. Carol, for its pretty graveyard, its cherry blossom, its old-world charm. Me, for ample parking and easy access to Junction 5 off the A47. But one of the drawbacks was that it lacked wheelchair access, primarily because it was built in the 12th century.
Well, Carol and I were married at a little village in the Norfolk village of Caistor St Edmund. We'd been to visit the previous summer and had both fallen madly in love with the place. Carol, for its pretty graveyard, its cherry blossom, its old-world charm. Me, for ample parking and easy access to Junction 5 off the A47. But one of the drawbacks was that it lacked wheelchair access, primarily because it was built in the 12th century.
RICHARD
And some of your guests were wheelchair-bound?
And some of your guests were wheelchair-bound?
ALAN
Aaah, well, no, but I mean, just to put this in perspective, I don't want people to denigrate the church for its lack of wheelchair access. The 12th century, I mean, wheelchair access, really, was very low on the agenda. For people with special needs, the 12th century, you know, they had a long way to go in their treatment of people with mobility issues. They would have been just banished to the outskirts of town. In fact, unceremoniously dumped beyond the perimeter wall, and they would have had no chance of accessing the town. It wouldn't have required a wall, just any kind of ridge, any kind of step or ridge. I mean, in short, anything that can prevent a Dalek can prevent a wheelchair, that's the easiest way to think about it. That's the thing about wheelchair access, it doesn't distinguish between Davros or Stephen Hawking.
Aaah, well, no, but I mean, just to put this in perspective, I don't want people to denigrate the church for its lack of wheelchair access. The 12th century, I mean, wheelchair access, really, was very low on the agenda. For people with special needs, the 12th century, you know, they had a long way to go in their treatment of people with mobility issues. They would have been just banished to the outskirts of town. In fact, unceremoniously dumped beyond the perimeter wall, and they would have had no chance of accessing the town. It wouldn't have required a wall, just any kind of ridge, any kind of step or ridge. I mean, in short, anything that can prevent a Dalek can prevent a wheelchair, that's the easiest way to think about it. That's the thing about wheelchair access, it doesn't distinguish between Davros or Stephen Hawking.
RICHARD
Right.
ALAN
Mind you, from four hundred yards, I'm not sure I could.
RICHARD
Let's get past that point. Just describe the day itself for your wedding. What was that like?
ALAN
Richard, it was a wonderful day. There was a few clouds, scattered showers with intermittent sunshine.
A high of twelve, a low of eight, medium pollen count, but the...
RICHARD
I don't actually need the weather forecast for the day of your wedding in the 1990s or whenever it was.
I don't actually need the weather forecast for the day of your wedding in the 1990s or whenever it was.
ALAN
Okay. Okay. Fair enough. Although I stand by the weather summation for the day. Carol looked wonderful, she was clad in a very pleasant white dress with her lace veil glistening in the sunlight like some sort of semi-transparent burqa. She really did look a thousand dinars.
RICHARD
We all remember your chat show on BBC television. We're speaking now, Alan, at BBC TV Centre, inside TV Centre. I think that's where your show was made, isn't it? Is it good to be back at TV Centre?
We all remember your chat show on BBC television. We're speaking now, Alan, at BBC TV Centre, inside TV Centre. I think that's where your show was made, isn't it? Is it good to be back at TV Centre?
ALAN
Phoo! There's a question, Richard! There is a question!
Phoo! There's a question, Richard! There is a question!
RICHARD
What's the answer to that?
ALAN
The 'phoo', that would be part of it. It's a strange feeling. I have been back here, I mean, in case anyone hasn't... I mean, I used to come back over the years occasionally. On a couple of occasions I came on guided tours, just to keep myself in the shop window... before I realised that I didn't even have a plan. I realised I couldn't whistle or wave from the back of a herd of pensioners. It would've looked... I'll be honest, it would have looked a bit desperate, so I abandoned that. Great tours, though. Really good tours.
RICHARD
You've written in the book about the last time that you were here prior to the tour. You were told you weren't going to be returning to do a chat show and in the book you claim that you had a contract, but that it wasn't honoured by the BBC. What do you remember about that day?
You've written in the book about the last time that you were here prior to the tour. You were told you weren't going to be returning to do a chat show and in the book you claim that you had a contract, but that it wasn't honoured by the BBC. What do you remember about that day?
ALAN
Here are the facts. I had a contract signed by the BBC's Director of Programmes, Chris Feather. Yes, he died soon afterwards and, yes, there were no witnesses to the agreement. But, as I've explained time and time again, the only reason his signature looked so different is because he'd accidentally slammed his hand in a car door after losing his temper at a car boot sale in Leatherhead when, after he'd counted up the day's takings he realised he'd not even covered his petrol costs. Primarily because he'd damaged his most valuable item, a SodaStream, in transit and failed to sell it. Do you think I'd make something like that up?
Here are the facts. I had a contract signed by the BBC's Director of Programmes, Chris Feather. Yes, he died soon afterwards and, yes, there were no witnesses to the agreement. But, as I've explained time and time again, the only reason his signature looked so different is because he'd accidentally slammed his hand in a car door after losing his temper at a car boot sale in Leatherhead when, after he'd counted up the day's takings he realised he'd not even covered his petrol costs. Primarily because he'd damaged his most valuable item, a SodaStream, in transit and failed to sell it. Do you think I'd make something like that up?
RICHARD
It's not for me to say, is it? It's not my job as an interviewer to say....
It's not for me to say, is it? It's not my job as an interviewer to say....
ALAN [interrupting]
No, I don't really want you to answer it. That's a rhetorical question.
No, I don't really want you to answer it. That's a rhetorical question.
RICHARD
Would you return if the BBC were to make you...
Would you return if the BBC were to make you...
ALAN [interjecting]
The answer is I wouldn't make something like that up.
RICHARD
I thought you said it was rhetorical, why have you answered it?
ALAN
Because...
RICHARD
Do you understand the format of a rhetorical question?
ALAN
Yes, but in case some of your more challenged listeners fail to understand the nature of rhetoric, I just thought I'd seal that in an envelope and post it in the, er... inbox of their... brain.
Yes, but in case some of your more challenged listeners fail to understand the nature of rhetoric, I just thought I'd seal that in an envelope and post it in the, er... inbox of their... brain.
RICHARD
You had killed a man, by the way, when you say you'd got this contract. You killed a man in the final episode of your TV chat show.
You had killed a man, by the way, when you say you'd got this contract. You killed a man in the final episode of your TV chat show.
ALAN
The restaurant critic Forbes McAllister, that's correct.
The restaurant critic Forbes McAllister, that's correct.
RICHARD
Right. Dead. Does that still haunt you?
Right. Dead. Does that still haunt you?
ALAN
Erm... 'Haunt' is a very powerful word. Erm... Niggle? Niggle, with an L-E. Yes, it does niggle me, but not haunt. People who are haunted lie awake at night, niggles just distract during the day. And I can say... I mean... Let me explain what happened, he'd given me his new duelling pistol, and as I politely inspected them, one went off and the bullet penetrated and destroyed his aortic valve on live television, and, as with so many gunshot wounds to the heart, it proved fatal. An hour later, I'm in Paddington Green police station with a bad-breathed copper shouting questions in my face along with the pungent odour of Walker's Smoky Bacon, which I usually quite enjoy. And I kept saying, "Please can I go home, I'm doing a store opening at ten for World of Leather", and the copper said, "The only thing you'll be in tomorrow, is a world of trouble", a line that, even at the time, I thought was pretty good for someone who probably didn't have any A-levels.
Erm... 'Haunt' is a very powerful word. Erm... Niggle? Niggle, with an L-E. Yes, it does niggle me, but not haunt. People who are haunted lie awake at night, niggles just distract during the day. And I can say... I mean... Let me explain what happened, he'd given me his new duelling pistol, and as I politely inspected them, one went off and the bullet penetrated and destroyed his aortic valve on live television, and, as with so many gunshot wounds to the heart, it proved fatal. An hour later, I'm in Paddington Green police station with a bad-breathed copper shouting questions in my face along with the pungent odour of Walker's Smoky Bacon, which I usually quite enjoy. And I kept saying, "Please can I go home, I'm doing a store opening at ten for World of Leather", and the copper said, "The only thing you'll be in tomorrow, is a world of trouble", a line that, even at the time, I thought was pretty good for someone who probably didn't have any A-levels.
RICHARD
I would argue that's deeply offensive to the family of Forbes McAllister.
I would argue that's deeply offensive to the family of Forbes McAllister.
ALAN
It didn't bother his family because they didn't like him, so when he died they weren't totally sad. And that's the simple explanation. I was found guilty of unauthorised use of a firearm, you know, done, dusted. And you know Richard, I always say there were two victims that day.
It didn't bother his family because they didn't like him, so when he died they weren't totally sad. And that's the simple explanation. I was found guilty of unauthorised use of a firearm, you know, done, dusted. And you know Richard, I always say there were two victims that day.
RICHARD
Who were they?
Who were they?
ALAN
Well me, because of course of everything I went through, but also Forbes McAllister is also a victim in a way, because of course he died.
Well me, because of course of everything I went through, but also Forbes McAllister is also a victim in a way, because of course he died.
RICHARD
If... If the BBC, and it doesn't seem that likely given the circumstances of your departure that you've described there, but if they were to make you an offer to return, would you accept it?
ALAN
Uhhh... What, so, if the BBC... oh, this is a hypothesis... So, if the BBC asked me to make Alan's Sceptered Isle, let's say, a twelve-part, Sunday night, BBC One high-definition travelogue, in which I am driven the length and breadth of the UK in a 1965 Fat Rover P9, chauffeur-driven by one of the retired Stigs, to discover the lost essence of our green and present land, in which I'd be an independent producer, and I'd return as presenter and exec producer, uh, I very much doubt it! But let's see the terms of the offer, they have my number, and, uh, you know, if they don't, you could, you know, I'm sure you'd probably pass it on to them.
RICHARD
Well, it's not really my job to... have you just come here to pitch for work?
ALAN
When I wake up in the morning, before I empty my bladder in the latrine, before I brush my teeth, um, sonically, before I use anti-wrinkle moisturiser on my face and back primarily, the first thing I do is start thinking up ideas. So, in a way, the weird thing would be to, for me, not to be thinking up ideas. It's like breathing. To me, to me, pitching... pitching, uh, ideas for terrestrial and cable television is as natural as breathing.
RICHARD
You need to breathe to live.
ALAN
Exactly. That's exactly right, Richard! And if you extrapolate that to me pitching programmes, it would be, it's almost as if, it's, it would be almost as if you say... I was saying, which I am, I need to pitch programmes to live, in a way. And, I mean, that's not the truth, that's a lie, but it sort of communicates my enthusiasm...
VOICE IN THE BACKGROUND
It's a true lie.
ALAN
...but it's a sort of a true lie. Thanks, that's, um, Graham, my driver. Thanks, Graham, although, you did say you'd keep quiet, remember, when you came in before. I told you, you had to keep quiet.
RICHARD
There is a studio etiquette here, Graham, do try and follow it, please. Would you do, Alan, Strictly Come Dancing, or one of the reality shows, if they offered? Have they offered?
ALAN
Uh, no, but I think Bruce is doing a great job, and easily has maybe one series left in him. Although if, you know, if his autocue reading continues to degenerate, I'd like to help him out by co-presenting, or, you know, he could stand there, and I could simply dub my voice over him. Although if they make the autocue any bigger for him, it will look like an optician's test.
RICHARD
How about, how about as a contestant?
ALAN
Uh, as a contestant, what, do I get to choose the dancer? Actually, I'll have any of them, the girl ones. Um, I like the backless dresses that show off their bare backs, and I always like the idea of dancing, and just placing my hand, you know, gently at the base of the back... it has always, uh, enticed, enticed me! [sniggers]
RICHARD
Let's, let's, let's, let's, again, let's move on. You, let's talk about where you are now. You've gone from one-time TV talk show host to a mid-morning show on local radio with, correct me if I'm wrong, it's called North Norfolk Digital. Some people would see that as a downward trajectory.
ALAN
Yeah, it's not, because the great thing about a compact digital broadcasting setup is I employ... it's not, it's not.
RICHARD
How's it not?
ALAN
The, well, the, [phone beeps] oh, there's my phone, um...
RICHARD
Again, I'll refer you to the studio etiquette, the point I made about that.
ALAN
Yeah, I'm just gonna, just switch that off. [laughs at something on his phone] Sorry, that's, um, Eamon Holmes. He's furious. Sorry.
RICHARD
Nice to know that Eamon's listening, though. In what way is it, is it not a downward trajectory?
ALAN
It's not, because I, in a compact digital setup, it's not. It's not, Richard. Because in a compact, digital radio station, I enjoy complete editorial control because I'm often the only person in the building which means I have, you know, complete freedom of expression. But I also have to lock up when I leave.
RICHARD
You're a famously inventive creator of new programme ideas.
ALAN
Cheers.
RICHARD
Have you come up with any, you talked how, you said earlier you need these to survive. Have you come up with any new ones recently?
ALAN
Yeah, I mean, sure. I've got a couple for you now. Bacon and Eggs. You, Richard Bacon, are placed in mediaeval stocks and pelted at very close range with eggs. Every tenth egg will be hard-boiled and is likely to inflict significant damage. Another idea, Bringing Home the Bacon, that's a documentary which follows your convalescence after the head injuries you sustained in the filming of Egg and Bacon.
RICHARD
Right. A sequel to Egg and Bacon.
ALAN
Yeah.
RICHARD
Do you, do you start with a, a pun and then try and work backwards? Or do you start...
ALAN
I start with a concept and try to work backwards towards a pun. Um, yeah. Is that the, uh, yes.
RICHARD
They're two ideas. I remember, I'm not going to do either of them. Monkey Tennis, that was one of yours, wasn't it? Because people often say, "Alan, you have these ideas, but you have the kinds of ideas that channels simply aren't interested in!", and Monkey Tennis is not a bad example of that.
ALAN
That makes me laugh my head off.
RICHARD
Why?
ALAN
Because, uh, monkey tennis was actually, uh, picked up and had a two-year successful run in Taiwan and Laos for a couple of years before it reached the end of its natural life as, unfortunately, did some of the monkeys. But I'm pleased to say that the surviving ones were quickly and humanely destroyed.
RICHARD
You seem to have had quite a few ups, but also many, many downs.
ALAN
Mm-hmm.
RICHARD
Um, what do you do to keep yourself, Alan, in good spirits?
ALAN
Generally, I will go for a long drive through the Norfolk Broads and sing along to The Very Best... Generally, I'll go for a long drive and sing along to The Very, Very Best of Tears for Fears.
RICHARD
Is that their greatest hits album?
ALAN
No, that, no, that was called The Very Best of Tears for Fears, but I didn't like The Way You Are or Woman In Chains, so I taped it onto a C-90, minus these two tracks, and renamed it The Very, Very Best of Tears for Fears. Or, if I feel like a challenge, I'll, I'll have a bath and then kick out the plug, turn the taps on, see if I can maintain the exact water level. It's like balancing the, uh, clutch, uh, in an old Mini Metro. It's tricky at first, but, uh, these days I can usually find the bath's biting point within about three minutes, yeah. Yeah, or I might just retire to my room and lie down on, on my bed with my hands behind my head.
RICHARD
Right, that one seems all right, yeah.
ALAN
So, just to clarify, when I lie down on my bed with my hands behind my head, I am lying on my back, not my front. This is relaxation, not Abu Ghraib.
RICHARD
Let, let, let me ask you just about a couple of, sort of, if you like, more topical things.
ALAN [interrupting]
Or, uh, Guantanamo Bay.
RICHARD
Yeah, I got that point.
ALAN
Guantanamo Bay, it's a shame what happened at Guantanamo Bay, because, um, because it was necessary to use torture, or as I like to call it, enhanced interrogation techniques, it sort of besmirched what would otherwise have sounded like a rather attractive holiday destination.
RICHARD
It was necessary torture, was it?
ALAN
Well, I mean, only insofar as it's necessary to... I mean, really, people make a lot of fuss about this, but, you know, when I was a young boy, if I wanted to know where... let's say I wanted to play ping pong, and my younger brother had hidden the ping pong balls. I'd simply take his arm, twist it behind his back, and say, "Tell me where the ping pong balls are!". And if he didn't, I'd push the arm further, until he cried out in pain, and eventually he'd tell me where the ping pong balls are. Well, what's so very different between that, and placing a wet cloth over a man's head while he's placed at a reverse incline, and then pouring water into his face, so he thinks he's drowning, so he'll tell you where he's put a bomb? Nothing.
RICHARD
Can I ask you, you, you brought up essentially, sort of, a contentious and a, you know, a fairly topical topic there. Let me, let me ask you a couple of the topical things. You already, I, I, I imagine you follow politics to some degree.
ALAN
I love it, love it, love it, love it, love it, Richard.
RICHARD
Okay, well, it's, it's, it's a party conference season. This week, it's the Conservative Party Conference. David Cameron, he talks a lot about, uh, the Big Society, doesn't he? Is Alan Partridge a fan of that, of that concept of the Big Society?
ALAN
Yeah, absolutely! It bugs the heck out of me when people, sort of, are trying to undermine the Big Society. I mean, yes, it works. I'll give you an example. A few weeks ago, there were some illegal settlers, or travellers, on some ground, waste-ground, in the local village where I live, I'm not going to say the name of it, but the way the villagers came together to form, effectively, the Big Society that David Cameron's talking about.... I'm talking about landlords, people from different backgrounds, landlords, businessmen, farmers, housewives. I've never seen a more united group of middle-class white people come together, and we simply brandished sticks, batons... you know, the odd piece of wood with a bit of a nail through the end... and sort of marched down to the waste-ground, chanting sort of boisterous, good-natured obscenities... and eventually the travellers left. Now, if that's not an example of big society. I don't know what is.
RICHARD
It's improving, as you would see it, your local area.
ALAN
Exactly.
RICHARD
The other thing I wanted to ask you about, that's in the news a lot at the moment, is phone hacking. It comes and goes from the news, but it's dominated much of the news for the last few months. Is it something...
ALAN
It's unfortunate. It's... it's unfortunate. It's not attractive, Richard.
RICHARD
What do, what do you mean?
ALAN
I mean, you know, like something when, when something's attractive, like, I don't know, like, um, um...
VOICE IN THE BACKGROUND
Lulu.
ALAN
Lulu. Thanks, Graham. When something's attractive, like Lulu, then that's attractive. And something like Andrew Lloyd Webber, uh, in the morning, for example, is very unattractive.
RICHARD
Phone hacking's like Andrew Lloyd Webber.
ALAN
Exactly. But one thing that really bugs me is when people try to drag Paul Dacre from the Daily Mail into this, it really...
RICHARD
He's the editor, isn't he, of the Daily Mail?
ALAN
He's the editor of the Daily Mail. The people try to drag him, and he has nothing to do with this. And yet people keep trying to drag him into it, saying "The Daily Mail must know about this kind of thing!", and it's rotten as heck, because I'm sure - I know Paul, he's a lovely man - I'm sure he'd be all... more than happy to stand before a public enquiry and say under oath that his newspaper had no knowledge of these things, because he's that kind of man, and I'm sure equally responsibly, I'm... I know, I'm almost certain, I mean, I'll bet good money on it that he's told all his staff to preserve all the emails they've exchanged over the last few years, uh, so that, uh, should they become subject to any kind of scrutiny, they'll have all the information ready for the police. That's the kind of guy he is, Richard. People have a go at Paul Dacre, but do we really want to see the Daily Mail go to the wall? If the, if the newspaper did, how would I... who would be there to stand up for the persecuted minority of people from fairly comfortable areas who are middle-aged and... not... coloured, I mean, I mean, not persons of colour, that's what I meant, which is a term that's acceptable in America.
RICHARD
Obviously, coloured is an offensive term.
ALAN
No, I would never use the word... no, it's...
RICHARD
Well, you just did, didn't you? You did use the word coloured...
ALAN
Well, I did. This whole political correctness really bugs the heck out of me, uh, uh, Richard. You know, I mean, it, it, it, you can't say boo to a goose these days, you probably couldn't say even boo, that's probably seen as... and you probably couldn't even use the word goose, they're probably going to call them feathered dogs! It... that's how bad it's got in my head. You know, I mean, if it weren't for the Daily Mail, how would I know... who would be fighting against the constant stream of asylum seekers who comes into the country? No one. How would I be able to monitor the value of my house? You know, I've no intention of selling it, but the value of my house is a very, very important to me. Who would be standing up for, yeah, the people who have to... people in the top tax band. People go on about, "Ooh, Paul Dacre-this, Paul Doker-that". He's a lovely man! So what if his newspaper has hired more private detectives to use in subterfuge than any other newspaper? What does that say? Nothing, it just says that they're pretty, you know, they're pretty hardworking people who like to leave no stone unturned. People, you know, people have a go at Paul Dacre for employing more private detectives than any other newspaper. How else are they supposed to get news unless they, you know, employ a record number of private detectives?
RICHARD
Just finally, Alan, before you go, I, I've read the book from cover to cover. I loved it, I think as I said earlier, I think it's the funniest book that I've ever read. I think there are people out there who'd like to hear it in your voice. Have you recorded, are you planning to record an audio book for I, Partridge?
ALAN
I have recorded an audio book. Originally, I intended to have it read by Trevor Eve, um, but his fee was astronomical. Ainsley Harriot was more affordable, but I felt that it was inappropriate to use him for a number of reasons, um, not least his inherent frivolity, I think, was at odds with the, with the gravitas of some of the passages in the book. In the end, it was between John Stapleton and me and, uh... I got it.
RICHARD
Well done.
ALAN
So it's, uh, yeah, so I mean, it does exist. I think it's being released now or imminently, over seven hours of me reading the book. Out loud.
RICHARD
Alan Partridge, thank you, it's, uh, great to meet you. Thank you. Thank you very much indeed.
ALAN
Thanks, Richard. I always enjoy you with my breakfast, what with your surname having a dual...
RICHARD
The puns didn't work earlier, did they? So I wouldn't re- I wouldn't bother revisiting them.
ALAN
Thanks. Thank you.
RICHARD
Thank you. Well, that's it for the Alan Partridge interview.
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