MMM S01E07: Partridge on Partridge
It's not South, it's not Suffolk. It's not analogue... so it must be [drum roll and fanfare] North Norfolk Digital!
ALAN
Love that jingle! Welcome back! Time again for our daily instalment of Radio Battleships, a game of tactic and nerve against Russian station Moda FM. We're joined as always by Andre.
ANDRE [on the line]
Good day to you, comrade!
ALAN
Hello, mate. You ready?
ANDRE
Ready.
ALAN
B4.
ANDRE
CALLER #1
A bag of cement?
ALAN
No, sir. Helen from Fransham.
CALLER #2
A pig carcass.
ALAN
It's not, but that would be interesting, put it on the list. Debbie in Runcton.
CALLER #3
A church.
ALAN
I would never discharge a firearm in a house of God. Ross in Beccles.
CALLER #4
I don't know.
ALAN
Lindsay in King's Lynn.
CALLER #5
The sky.
ALAN
Why would I fire into the sky?
CALLER #5
As a warning.
ALAN
I mean, you can quite clearly hear the sound of impact. If you are going to phone in, make sure you are at least on nodding terms with modern ballistics. [SIMON stretches his arms wide, yawning] Big yawn there from Sidekick Simon! You up late?
ANDRE
Miss
ALAN
Okay, [fading ANDRE down] join us same time tomorrow for Andre's move! You're listening to Midmorning Matters, coming up soon, Tuesday chat, our weekly hard-hitting celebrity interview. But first, let's go back to what is Alan firing his friend's air rifle into?
JINGLE [sultry female voice]
What is Alan firing his friend's air rifle into?
ALAN
Quick reminder of the sound [thud and a click]. And again. [thud and a click] Okay, straight to the phones! Steve from Lexham.
Okay, [fading ANDRE down] join us same time tomorrow for Andre's move! You're listening to Midmorning Matters, coming up soon, Tuesday chat, our weekly hard-hitting celebrity interview. But first, let's go back to what is Alan firing his friend's air rifle into?
JINGLE [sultry female voice]
What is Alan firing his friend's air rifle into?
ALAN
Quick reminder of the sound [thud and a click]. And again. [thud and a click] Okay, straight to the phones! Steve from Lexham.
CALLER #1
A bag of cement?
ALAN
No, sir. Helen from Fransham.
CALLER #2
A pig carcass.
ALAN
It's not, but that would be interesting, put it on the list. Debbie in Runcton.
CALLER #3
A church.
ALAN
I would never discharge a firearm in a house of God. Ross in Beccles.
CALLER #4
I don't know.
ALAN
Lindsay in King's Lynn.
CALLER #5
The sky.
ALAN
Why would I fire into the sky?
CALLER #5
As a warning.
ALAN
I mean, you can quite clearly hear the sound of impact. If you are going to phone in, make sure you are at least on nodding terms with modern ballistics. [SIMON stretches his arms wide, yawning] Big yawn there from Sidekick Simon! You up late?
SIMON
Oh, well, a little bit. I was just with Karl Branning, just doing a few bits and bobs for him.
ALAN
What, DIY?
ALAN
What, DIY?
SIMON [laughing]
No, I was on his show.
ALAN
What, you did Bedtime with Branning?
SIMON
Yeah, just a few little stupid sketchy bits. You don't mind, do you?
SIMON
Yeah, just a few little stupid sketchy bits. You don't mind, do you?
ALAN [clearly minds]
What? Do I mind if a lab technician I met in a pub who's doing a trial period on my show appears on another show? [scoffs] No!
SIMON
Let me grab a coffee.
[SIMON gets up and leaves the studio]
ALAN
Today's phone-in subject is; how many disabled parking bays are too many disabled parking bays? Please keep your texts coming in on that. Who grabs a coffee? Unbelievable! He thinks he's a doctor on ER!
[CUT TO: ALAN, off air, attempts to peel an orange in one piece while looking at a newspaper. Once successfully peeled in one long strip, ALAN considers the fruit... then pops the whole thing in his mouth. It feels like a tight fit at first but he manages it, then has a tricky job of managing the juice outflow in his already-full mouth]
ALAN [back On Air]
Time now to reveal Tuesday Chat's interviewee. It's a man who perhaps I know better than anyone else!
SIMON
Are you interviewing yourself?
SIMON
Are you interviewing yourself?
ALAN [slightly annoyed]
My guest is Alan Partridge, in his first ever broadcast interview. Much like Frost / Nixon, but this...
SIMON
...is Partridge / Partridge.
ALAN
Why do you keep finishing my sentences? Hm? You might feel good about yourself because you've guessed something, but it doesn't do anything to actually...
ALAN
Why do you keep finishing my sentences? Hm? You might feel good about yourself because you've guessed something, but it doesn't do anything to actually...
SIMON
It doesn't improve the show, yeah.
ALAN
Exactly. You're doing it again. You're just...
SIMON
Making it worse.
ALAN
Exactly. You're doing it again. You're just...
SIMON
Making it worse.
[ALAN looks in disbelief at SIMON before pressing on]
ALAN
The interview is Partridge slash Partridge. It's me, talking to myself!
SIMON
Sounds worrying!
SIMON
Sounds worrying!
ALAN
Not like the man in the park who stands by the pond. Yeah, it's quite sad, actually, he used to run the cycle shop before it went bust. Now he seeks solace in cider and swans.
SIMON
Better than seeking solace inside a swan.
ALAN
Yeah, although I think even that's only a matter of time. Yeah. So that's Partridge on Partridge in half an hour. Now, though, a song from Michael Jackson, in happier times before his mauling from Martin Bashir that led ultimately, and directly, to his death.
[ALAN fades up Billy Jean, before quickly fading it back down]
ALAN
...And to Diana's.
...And to Diana's.
[fade up Billy Jean, we cut to black]
[Off Air, ALAN is sat on the banquette with his feet on the sound desk reading the newspaper, while SIMON makes notes in his usual chair]
ALAN [singing the classic Nokia 3310 ringtone]
La-la laa laa, la-la laa laa, la-la laa laa laaaa! So what's Karl Branning like then?
SIMON
Oh, yeah. Yeah, he's alright. Nice. [laughing] He does a, erm... a brilliant bit where he...
SIMON
Oh, yeah. Yeah, he's alright. Nice. [laughing] He does a, erm... a brilliant bit where he...
ALAN [interrupting]
La-la laa laa, la-la laa laa, la-la laa laa laaaa! [referring to the newspaper] I see, they've opened up the Norfolk Broads to wheelchair users.
SIMON
Have they?
ALAN
Unbelievable.
SIMON
Good or... Good or bad?
SIMON
Good or... Good or bad?
ALAN
You tell me. You tell me. [pause] No, tell me.
SIMON
Good... is it? [reading ALAN's face] Bad!
ALAN
Bad. Yes, bad. It might seem like a good thing, but how many people do you know in wheelchairs who genuinely want to go on the Norfolk Broads?
[SIMON holds up his fingers making a zero]
ALAN
I'd suggest it's naught point naught naught naught naught naught naught naught naught one percent. Is it worth the disruption for very... for blameless... for largely blameless, able-bodied people? Just a... thought.
SIMON
OK. What would your opinion be if you were...
ALAN
Two sides to every story!
SIMON
What about if you had an accident and you were in a wheelchair?
ALAN
I'd just watch TV.
SIMON
Fair play.
SIMON
Fair play.
ALAN
Or go on the video, or go on the computer. Loads of things you can do.
[ALAN folds and casually tosses the newspaper atop the console, cut to black]
ALAN [getting a cassette out of its box and popping it in the deck]
Now it's time for the very special edition of Tuesday Chat!
Now it's time for the very special edition of Tuesday Chat!
JINGLE [ALAN singing]
It's me on me, on Alan on Alan, on I on I, on Partridge on Partridge!
It's me on me, on Alan on Alan, on I on I, on Partridge on Partridge!
It's me on me, on Alan on Alan, on I on I...
SIMON
Is it on a loop?
ALAN
No, I kept singing it over and over. You can tell because on the fifth one I swallow by mistake.
JINGLE [cont]
It's me on me, on Alan on Alan, on I [swallows] on Partridge on Partridge!
RECORDING ALAN
Hello, Alan.
ALAN
Hello, Alan.
RECORDING ALAN
We meet at last.
ALAN
Indeed we do.
RECORDING ALAN
You're looking well.
RECORDING ALAN
You're looking well.
ALAN
Thank you! I'm not a member of a gym, although I do work out! I use two carrier bags filled with tins of Value Beans.
RECORDING ALAN
Impressive.
ALAN
Thank you.
RECORDING ALAN
You've been a professional broadcaster for twenty-eight years.
RECORDING ALAN
You've been a professional broadcaster for twenty-eight years.
ALAN
Twenty-nine, actually.
RECORDING ALAN
Yes, you're quite right. Sorry about that.
ALAN
No matter!
RECORDING ALAN
And in that time, what would you say has been your greatest achievement?
ALAN
I think my consistent resistance to dumbing down. I think, if anything, I've tried to dumb up.
ALAN
I think my consistent resistance to dumbing down. I think, if anything, I've tried to dumb up.
RECORDING ALAN
But as an experienced interviewer, who has been your toughest interviewee?
ALAN
I'd have to say Desmond Tutu. I had absolutely no idea what he was going on about!
ALAN
I'd have to say Desmond Tutu. I had absolutely no idea what he was going on about!
RECORDING ALAN
And the friendliest?
ALAN
That would have to be the athlete Colin Jackson.
ALAN
That would have to be the athlete Colin Jackson.
RECORDING ALAN
Kriss Akabusi?
ALAN [wincing at his error]
Yes, Krick- Kriss Akabusi, I mean. We'd still keep in touch, once a week on the phone.
RECORDING ALAN
Sounds like fun!
ALAN
It is!
RECORDING ALAN
Tell you what, why don't you take a breather? Let's pick this up a little later when I'll be grilling you on your family.
RECORDING ALAN
Tell you what, why don't you take a breather? Let's pick this up a little later when I'll be grilling you on your family.
ALAN
Looking forward to it.
RECORDING ALAN
Yeah, it certainly does! Back soon.
RECORDING ALAN
Yeah, it certainly does! Back soon.
ALAN
Okay.
[ALAN restarts the Partridge on Partridge JINGLE and we cut to black]
ALAN
Haha, haha! I love that advert! What a wonderful- "We're just givin' 'em away!"
SIMON [joining in]
Givin' them away!
ALAN
Okay, time for some more calls on...
JINGLE
What is Alan firing his friend's air rifle into?
ALAN
That sound again [thud and a click]. And again [thud and a click]. Line ten, what am I firing my friend's air rifle into?
CALLER #6
A sandwich.
ALAN
Wrong, line three.
CALLER #7
The future?
ALAN
Are you on an E? Line six.
CALLER #4 [Ross in Beccles again]
Dunno.
ALAN
Did you call earlier?
CALLER #4
Yeah, I did.
ALAN
Unbelievable. Line four.
CALLER #8
Chop, chop, the nurse is here! Arrgh! [laughing]
ALAN
What the hell's all that about?
JINGLE
What is Alan firing his friend's air rifle into?
ALAN
That sound again [thud and a click]. And again [thud and a click]. Line ten, what am I firing my friend's air rifle into?
CALLER #6
A sandwich.
ALAN
Wrong, line three.
CALLER #7
The future?
ALAN
Are you on an E? Line six.
CALLER #4 [Ross in Beccles again]
Dunno.
ALAN
Did you call earlier?
CALLER #4
Yeah, I did.
ALAN
Unbelievable. Line four.
CALLER #8
Chop, chop, the nurse is here! Arrgh! [laughing]
ALAN
What the hell's all that about?
SIMON [laughing]
No idea, mate!
ALAN
Seriously, wha...
SIMON
Might have something to do with me!
SIMON
Might have something to do with me!
ALAN
Why?
SIMON
It's to do with something I did on Branning's show last night.
ALAN
Well, let's hear it!
SIMON
Move on, move on.
ALAN
Well, let's hear it!
SIMON
Move on, move on.
ALAN
No, let's hear it!
SIMON
Move on.
ALAN
Let's hear it! Seriously.
ALAN
Let's hear it! Seriously.
SIMON
It wouldn't work now.
ALAN
You can't deprive the listeners of Mid-Morning Matters...
ALAN
You can't deprive the listeners of Mid-Morning Matters...
SIMON
On this occasion, I think I should!
ALAN [firmly]
Seriously, let's hear what you did.
SIMON
Really?
SIMON
Really?
ALAN
Yeah.
SIMON
Yeah, okay. So, Karl Branning was under the weather and he had some Night Nurse and some Day Nurse and so the big joke was, you know, what- which one should he take because it's the night time but he still didn't want to go to sleep and then the callers started... it's like, the later night the callers are a bit more sort of zany, so they start calling in with other suggestions for nurses and people...
Anyway, the point was someone called in about a mental nurse and then I had to, I basically was then a mental nurse for the next hour just doing a, you know, stupid character about this nurse who kind of scuttles around the wards and is, like, putting milk into the drips and things and she's just, like, toppling people out of beds... [noticing ALAN's disappointed face] and I don't really...
JINGLE
Sidekick Simon, Sidekick Simon! Sidekick Simon, Sidekick Simon! Sidekick Simon, Sidekick Simon!
SIMON [while the JINGLE plays]
Alan, I'm sorry about that... I sort of knew it wouldn't work.
SIMON [while the JINGLE plays]
Alan, I'm sorry about that... I sort of knew it wouldn't work.
ALAN
I wouldn't worry about it, wouldn't worry about it! Have you seen Duck Soup with the Marx Brothers?
SIMON
SIMON
Oh, yeah.
ALAN [as the JINGLE ends]
You'd love that! Really love it. Okay, time for traffic and travel.
JINGLE
[car horns] Traffic and Travel!
[cut to black]
ALAN
That was Alison Moyet, again. And now for the final, choice cut of Partridge on Partridge!
SIMON
Sounds like two birds copulating.
ALAN
Not now, mate!
RECORDING ALAN
What about family? Got any kids?
ALAN
Yeah, I got a couple. Male and female.
RECORDING ALAN
Names?
ALAN
ALAN
Denise is the female, and Fernando is... the other one.
RECORDING ALAN
Love them?
ALAN
Just a bit!
RECORDING ALAN
Do they listen to the show?
RECORDING ALAN
Do they listen to the show?
ALAN
Yes, they do.
SIMON
That's not what they told me!
ALAN [to SIMON]
You don't know, you've never met them!
ALAN [to SIMON]
You don't know, you've never met them!
RECORDING ALAN
What would be your ideal evening?
ALAN [still to SIMON]
I tell you what it wouldn't be, having a pint of bitter with a traitor.
SIMON
Come on, Alan, give me a break.
SIMON
Come on, Alan, give me a break.
ALAN
Who said I was talking about you? The world doesn't revolve around you!
SIMON
No, no, I'm not saying that!
SIMON
No, no, I'm not saying that!
ALAN
You're not the moon!
SIMON
I thought you said you weren't bothered.
RECORDING ALAN
What about your favourite TV show?
RECORDING ALAN
What about your favourite TV show?
ALAN
Deal or No Deal! I'm not bothered...
RECORDING ALAN
And why's that?
ALAN
Edmunds! ...You know, you can do what you like for all I care! It's a free country, unless they change the law.
RECORDING ALAN
What about a favourite war?
ALAN
Edmunds! ...You know, you can do what you like for all I care! It's a free country, unless they change the law.
RECORDING ALAN
What about a favourite war?
ALAN
The Hundred Years. And I'll tell you something else...
RECORDING ALAN
Any reason?
RECORDING ALAN
Any reason?
ALAN
Pioneering use of cannons! You can make love to the guy for all I care. You know? Bum-Time with Branning. You know, that's been legal since '67...
RECORDING ALAN
What's your greatest strength?
ALAN
...You give a break to a lab assistant from a Secondary Modern...
ALAN
...You give a break to a lab assistant from a Secondary Modern...
RECORDING ALAN
Your biggest weakness?
ALAN
...He repays you by taking thirty pieces of Branning silver...
SIMON
He's not paying me, Alan.
SIMON
He's not paying me, Alan.
ALAN
It's a metaphor!
RECORDING ALAN
What makes you laugh?
ALAN [back to RECORDING]
To recap. Key strength, courage; weakness, too kind; funny, YouTube, sneezing panda; enjoyed chat.
ALAN [back to RECORDING]
To recap. Key strength, courage; weakness, too kind; funny, YouTube, sneezing panda; enjoyed chat.
RECORDING ALAN
I enjoy chatting to you too. Thanks, Alan. ...And tell Chegwin I'll pay for the dry-cleaning, but he should count himself lucky...
ALAN [stopping the recording]
That was something else! And the answer to what is Alan firing his friend's air rifle into is... a beef tomato! And here is Mick Hucknall.
[fade up the Hucknall, fade to black]
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