1997: Clive Anderson All Talk

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CLIVE

Okay, now we've got to move on because, with a bit of news, the government has announced a plan to cut down the fifty thousand-strong queue of people waiting to get into hospital; no jeans or trainers! 

Now we'll go on to our 'Where Are They Now?' feature. Until recently, my next guest was TV's King of Chat, wittier than Wogan, smarter than Jonathan Ross, more up-to-date than Michael Parkinson. But where is he now? Well, most of the time he's in Norwich, but he's here tonight, so please welcome Alan Partridge!

[ALAN enters to rapturous applause, shakes CLIVE's hand and then sits down, gesturing to the audience to calm down]

CLIVE
Well... That's right! You were King of Chat Shows, weren't you? You were right up there. What's happened? What happened to your show? 

ALAN

Well, I, I... You know, I thought I was working at it when chat shows were at their peak, but I think I got out while the going was good.

CLIVE
Fair point, yeah...

ALAN

Absolutely.

CLIVE

...because some people do say the chat show is dead. Maybe it's just this one, I don't know. 

ALAN

Yeah. Well, no, you're making a joke there, but there is a serious point, you know, which is that people fade. 

CLIVE

Yes. Yes.

ALAN

Michael Parkinson, where is he now? 

CLIVE

He's coming back on, I think. Not tonight, but he's back next year. But your style...

ALAN [interjecting]

It'll bomb. 

CLIVE

What's your secret of how to do a good interview?

ALAN

It's... I don't know. It's not an exact science, it's not like physics or biology. But if, for example, I was interviewing someone like Idi Amin, a lot of people think "Idi Amin, butcher, murdered a lot of people in Uganda", but when you meet him, there's a whole other side to his character. He's tremendously good at Connect Four!

CLIVE
Right! And you'd bring that out of him? 

ALAN

Of course. For example, we all know the stories about him putting his wife's head in a fridge. Now, I'd obviously want to broach that, but I wouldn't say, "Idi, what's all this about putting your wife's head in a fridge?", that would be too obtuse. I'd simply say something like, "Idi, have you got any anecdotes about your time when you were boss of Uganda? I'm thinking here about fridges!". A nod and a wink.

CLIVE
Yes. Why did the BBC axe your show? Do you know why? 

ALAN

I, well, it's... er, I had a number of problems. I... shot a man dead. 

CLIVE

I remember that. 

ALAN

It was cleared in a subsequent inquiry. I was found guilty of the minor offence of unlicensed use of a firearm. 

CLIVE

And they held that against you until... so you're now on Radio Norwich? Is that a... are you happy being on Radio Norwich?

ALAN

It's always good to finish the sentence. Otherwise it's just dead air. Dead time.

CLIVE
You just look as though you're going to answer. 

ALAN

No, I was waiting for you to finish. I'm not that rude. Different technique. Radio Norwich is, for me, it's a very exciting time to be there. 

CLIVE

Yes. Why would that be?

ALAN

Because Nick Peacock, who's in charge, do you know him? 

CLIVE

No. 

ALAN

Nick was in charge of the big revamp there. He was behind the controversial decision to go thrice-weekly with Sonia Mannion's Norfolk Nights.

CLIVE
Did that work?

ALAN

He got a lot of flack, but it paid off! It worked. 

CLIVE

So you went to him and he put you straight on to...

ALAN

I went there and said, you know, "Nick, what can I do?". And he said, "Do what you like!"... because he's my cousin. 

CLIVE

Alright. And you chose the four thirty am to seven o'clock slot, pre-breakfast hour?

ALAN

The pre-breakfast hour. Some people call it the graveyard slot, and they're people who are bitter. 

CLIVE

Yes.

ALAN

My audience is divided to early-morning farmers and late-night returning ravers. 

CLIVE

Right.

ALAN

I'm pleased. At one point it looked like, horror of horrors, I was going to be on Radio Ipswich, you know? With that bunch of losers! But, no, with Radio Norwich I'm on an even keel. 

CLIVE

Right. So what do you think now, you look at it as a bit of an outsider now, what do you think of the current state of British television?

ALAN

There are some presenters who, you know, there's a fine line, for example, between, you know, having a bit of a jape, a bit of a joke, a bit of a humorous dig at someone, and just being plain rude. 

CLIVE

Yes. Where would that line be, do you think? 

ALAN

Erm... Behind you. 

CLIVE

So what do you think of, what do you think of, like, sort of spoof chat show hosts, or pretend ones, like Larry Sanders, you know, it's a very, very funny show, have you seen that? It's very good. 

ALAN

I don't quite get the joke. Hello? Can you explain it, please? 

CLIVE

You didn't see anything of you in that? You didn't see the way a talk show in America is put together the way your one might have been put together? 

ALAN

Well, we weren't scared of asking difficult questions. Some questions that were, if you like, irrelevant. But we would ask them, and we would ask uncomfortable questions, which would sometimes lead to people, you know, walking off. I don't know if you've experienced that. 

CLIVE

Oh, yes, yes. I've had that just recently. But so far I haven't killed anyone, but I'm willing to make an exception tonight. I see you're not on television at the moment, but there is a sort of, I don't know, a sort of fly-on-the-wall documentary on you at the moment on BBC2, Monday nights.

ALAN

Yes, I was... I was... I'm very angry about that, because I was misled into thinking that they were going to study the life of a chat show. It's come out... not the way I would have wanted. 

CLIVE

But with your experience on television, you would have realised that things are bound to go wrong when you agree to a documentary like that...

[ALAN checks his watch]

ALAN

Erm... [shrugs]

CLIVE
But it shows you, is it your lowest ebb? You know, you're staying in a hotel? 

ALAN

No, Linton Travel Tavern is a very... It's actually a very, very pleasant place to stay. It's... not a lot of people know, but it has a fantastic carvery. 

CLIVE

Now, the other thing that you're perhaps known for is your fashion sense and your style. Is this something you deliberately work on, or do you just naturally? 

ALAN

I tell you, who inspired me to some extent was Ian Woosnam, the Welsh golf champion... 

CLIVE

Yes.

ALAN

...who I saw at Gatwick Airport wearing an ordinary sweater, just like all the other ones. But he turned round and, lovely touch, he had seven suede stars on the back.

CLIVE
Yeah.

ALAN

Lovely little touch, just sort of elevated him above the airport rabble. Yeah. The duty-free cigarettes and their fat children.

CLIVE
Yeah. Now, the other thing that the documentary has rather intruded into is your personal life, your private life, which, normally, you don't go on about. 

ALAN

I don't like to talk about it.

CLIVE
No, you don't, no. But is there any chance you're getting back together with your wife, do you think? 

ALAN

Did you hear the answer to the question?

CLIVE
Yeah. So you don't want to talk about that? 

ALAN

No.

CLIVE
No? Okay, fair enough. So, what are your plans for your...

ALAN

I mean, basically what happened was that my wife, she moved out... well, she kicked me out, she's living with a fitness instructor.

CLIVE

Oh, right, yeah. 

ALAN

Idiot. But, no, I mean, the real focus of my life are my children. 

CLIVE

Oh, right.

ALAN

Denise and Fernando. 

CLIVE

Right. 

ALAN

Fernando's just left Cambridge.

CLIVE
Oh, excellent. 

ALAN

Cambridge University, that is, not the area.

CLIVE
No.

ALAN

He's working for the UN doing sort of aid relief and wasting his life, you know. 

CLIVE

Yeah, not going into broadcasting? 

ALAN

No, no. And then Denise, I was worried about her. She was working for the ICA doing experimental action art.

CLIVE
Yeah.

ALAN

Yeah, I said to her, you know, never mind ICA, why not join ICI? I was making a joke. 

CLIVE

Yes.

ALAN

But there was a serious point behind it. And I'm pleased to say now that she's doing very well as one of the senior managers for Freeman Hardy Willis. 

CLIVE

Oh right, excellent, yeah. And being a chat show host, is that gone now? Is that period behind you or are you back into that, Parkinson's comeback?

ALAN

Well, if it appears behind me, I'm more likely to back into it. I prefer it if it's in front of me, then I can see where I'm going. 

CLIVE

Yeah, yeah.

ALAN

I mean, I don't want to mount a campaign, you know?  That would be irresponsible. But if, you know, people want to write to their MPs, and, er... you know, that's up to them.

CLIVE
Yeah. Yes. Well, I'm sure they're inspired to do that now. Thank you for joining us tonight. Alan Partridge!

Clive Anderson: All Talk was, obviously, a chat show hosted by Clive Anderson on the BBC. The reference Alan makes to people walking off refers to a previous episode where The Bee Gees walked off stage citing Clive's jocular rudeness as the reason.