MMM S02E06A: Grundy

 ALAN
That was Billy Joel, the last of this week's musical Billies, after Ocean, Idol, Ray-Cyrus and Piper. Next week, we'll turn to Bobs with Marley, Geldof, Dylan, Seger and The Builder, the time is 11:02. 

SIMON

And we have had a lovely picture been sent in from Jack, who is ten, and he says, "Hi, Alan, we've been doing a project about the abolition of slavery and it inspired me to do a painting of you set in that time". 

ALAN

Hmm. Yeah.

SIMON

There it is.

ALAN

The trouble is, I'm more likely to have been a slave owner! That's the tragedy, although I'd like to think I'd been one of the good ones who'd given them an extended break.

SIMON

Or a glass of water?

ALAN

Yeah, absolutely, on request, but absolutely. 

SIMON

And maybe keep some of them on under your employ after abolition?

ALAN

Yes, of course, if they wanted to. You know, I'd have to do the sums. But, yeah, the thing is, of course, then they start asking for sanitation, next thing you know, they're getting organised, before you know it, they're wanting days off because they're depressed! So, you know, not quite as simple as it seems. Later, we will be joined by a group of enterprising children who are taking their campaign to save their school playing fields all the way to Downing Street. But first, though, Berk of the Week! 

JINGLE

Berk of the Week. Absolute berk! You berk! You big berk! You're an idiot!

ALAN

It had been earmarked, once again, for Nigel Bevin, head of planning at Norwich City Council, but this week the Berk of the Week is... Alan Partridge.

SIMON
What, just this week?

JINGLE
You berk! 

ALAN

I'd just taken a few people for granted and acted like a Berk, to be fair. And just wanted to say soz. No, it's just a full sorry, actually, so...

JINGLE

North Norfolk Digital...

[off-air]

SIMON
What's that all about?

ALAN
Hmm?

SIMON
Is everything all right? 

ALAN

Yeah.

SIMON

Your eyes are a bit red. 

ALAN

Yeah, your hair's a bit red. Zinger!

SIMON

It's just that Angela's not been in... I wonder if everything's...

ALAN
Fuhgeddaboudit! 

[cut to black]

ALAN [drumming on the desk]

I think I've invented a new drum beat. Listen.

[producer HAYLEY enters]

HAYLEY
Alan, message from Angela. She wants the keys for the caravan.

ALAN
Is she here? 

HAYLEY

No, she phoned. 

ALAN

Yeah, sure, tell her I'll give them to her later.

HAYLEY

She said, can you leave them on the kitchen table? 

ALAN

Why is she asking you to tell me? 

HAYLEY

And she'd rather you weren't there when she picked them up.

ALAN

What? That's ridiculous! 

HAYLEY

She just said to tell you.

ALAN

We fucking love each other! [to SIMON] Will you talk to her? 

SIMON

Wha? What? 

ALAN

She's not been right since she's been on this gluten-free diet, you know. It was only a few texts!

SIMON

What was a few texts? 

[ALAN gives HAYLEY a look and she leaves the studio]

ALAN

Do you remember that works trip to the swimming pool when I started chatting to Melanie, the PA? 

SIMON

About your pool gloves?

ALAN

Yeah. Well, anyway, on the way home, she sent me a picture of her in her dressing gown with a lapel ajar, and I just texted back, "I'd like to play your bum like the bongos", and she showed it to Angela. 

SIMON

Ooouch!

NEWSREADER [in background]

We'll be back in 30 minutes. 

ALAN

Thanks, Chris. I, um... 

SIMON

Today's phone-in is... 

ALAN

No, I want to play a dedication. I won't say who it's for, but let's just say life's a bit crummy without you. Love you loads, and, yeah, basically, you complete me. 

[Hard To Say I'm Sorry by Chicago fades up]

CHICAGO

Everybody needs a little time away...

ALAN

Everyone needs that, and that's fine. 

CHICAGO

I heard her say... 

ALAN

You yelled it.

CHICAGO

from each other...

ALAN

Which sounds worrying, but it's not. 

CHICAGO

Even lovers need a holiday...

ALAN

Same point again, but I think he means abroad. 

CHICAGO

Far away... 

ALAN

Yep.

CHICAGO

...From each other. Hold me now...

ALAN

Oh, I wish I could. 

CHICAGO

It's hard for me to say I'm sorry...

ALAN

And this is the key  point. 

CHICAGO

I just want you to say it...

ALAN [singing along]

After all that we've been through, I will make it up to you. I promise to! After all that's been said and done... You're just a part of me I can't let go... Hmm-mmm!

[cut to black, just as ALAN gets ready to throw his all into the chorus]

ALAN [off camera]

Angela, where are you? God, it's good to hear your voice. What? I don't know why I said that! I wasn't going to literally play her bum like the bongos! It wouldn't even work, if you want that effect you'd be better off clapping your hands! A backside's got too much give! It was a raunchy joke that got out of hand, don't do this, Angela! Our love is stronger than carbon fibre! Please. Please, though. Please! Please, though! Please. Please, though! Please, please, though, Angela! [viciously] Angela, if you dump me now, I'll never speak to you again! In fact, I'm going to dump you first. Never call me again! 

ALAN [back in view of the webcam, speaking calmly into his mobile]

Yeah. Okay, thanks Gustav. Okay Gustav. Yeah. Okay, catch you later. Ciao! Just chatting to Gustav.

SIMON

Is he all right? 

ALAN

Yeah, he's just some genuine friend of mine. [phone vibrates] Hello, Angela. Angela, if if if if you want to take the caravan, please do so. If you find caravan ownership fulfilling, then please, Christ Almighty, take the caravan. Yeah, sure, take the dog too, why don't you? I don't know. Must have gone for a walk, on his own. Maybe he's gone to the cinema. You think what you like, all right, that's fine. I'll see you in Battersea Dogs Court. Oh, by the way, I wasn't going to tell you this, but you know your new business venture? Yeah, everyone thinks it's shit, including your sister. Bye!

[ALAN lets the awkwardness hang in the air as he drums on the desk]

SIMON
You all right, Alan?

ALAN
Yeah, I'm glad to see the back of her. 

SIMON

Really?

ALAN

Yeah, I mean, she started tutting during Coast. And, er, you know when that happens, there's something fundamentally wrong with the relationship.

SIMON
But now she wants the dog.

ALAN
Yeah, she can want her arse off, Freddy's staying with me. In fact, only the other night I was taking him out in the garden for a piddle and he looked up at me as if to say, "You're better than this, Alan, and whatever happens ... I will always be your friend". 

SIMON

Really? 

ALAN

Yeah, yeah. 

SIMON

I bet you wanted to hug him.

ALAN

Yeah, well, when I turned round he was over by the bins eating some pâté. Pâté. You're listening to North Norfolk Digital, Norf- North Norfolk's Best Music Mix.

SIMON

And we have got a text here from Ruth, who says she's a bit down. She is awaiting the results of a scan...

ALAN

Oh, don't be down, Ruth! You've got to be glass half full. I mean, I'm always glass half full. 

SIMON

Yes, amen to that.

ALAN

Whenever I'm down, I think about all the good things in my life. I don't have a mortgage, got two cars, fairly fit, I can swim well. I was Twelve Years a Slave, thank you very much, but now I'm...

SIMON

Now you're Djangalan Unchained! 

ALAN

Oh, thank you! 

SIMON

A free man!

ALAN

Indeed. So, you know, Ruth, just... um... cheer up!

[through the adjoining studio window, while All Of My Heart by ABC plays, we see ALAN being talked to by a police officer. When a dog toy is discovered on the desk, he eventually reaches under the desk and picks up Freddy, a dog, and hands him over, giving him a kiss and a pet. Alone in the studio again, ALAN sits down with his head in his hands]

  

[back on-air, ALAN is joined in the studio packed with about twenty teenagers of varying ethnicities]

ALAN

Okay! That was Funky Gibbon by The Goodies, to show that we are not averse to a little bit of an-ar-chy here, having it large with my crew. But seriously, it's great to have you all here. Please say hello.

TEENS [together]

Hello!

ALAN

But, no, it's a bit of a jam in here, but I'm sure we're breaching all manner of fire regs, but who gives a flip? I'm joined by a bevvy of teenagers from North Walsham Comp who have taken their campaign to save the school playing fields and dumped it on the doorstep of the PM. I'm liking it a lot! Okay, listening to M-M... 

[one of the TEENS flicks something at ALAN]

ALAN

Ow! Okay, who's the class clown? Who's the class clown? 

[TEENS all loudly single out MARV, sat in the middle of the banquette]

ALAN

All right, yeah, all right, give me some skin. Excellent. No, it's absolutely fine. We had a class clown, his name was Brian Golding, a real live wire, a real nutcase! Took his own life a few years ago, which is kinda  sad, but a real character, yeah. By the way, if anyone wants any Annie Lennox cassettes, I'm good for it. What am I talking about? You're Robbie Williams, right? 

TEENS

Who? 

ALAN

So, anyway, Lisa, to you. Now, tell us about the campaign, because a lot of kids get it in the neck from some of the squares out there, but you guys are pretty diff. 

LISA

Well, we all got a letter during Christmas, and we was told that the playing fields were going to be sold. 

ALAN

Okay, just to stop you there, I had an email from Norwich Fire Service saying a couple of you need to leave, because we're over the limit here, or face criminal proceedings, so I need a couple of volunteers.

TEEN

Me. 

ALAN

Yeah, great, okay, you two, absolutely, thanks. Thank you very much. Okay, that's that dealt with.

TEEN
Can I go too?

ALAN
Yeah, sure. Yeah, okay, fine. Bye. Watch yourself, that's that dealt with. Okay, thank you, bye. I've just got to say, right behind your campaign, though, I really...

SIMON
Can I go too?

ALAN
No, you can't, that's enough, love. It's, you know, I'm a big fan of, you know, playing fields in general, playing fields, or even if it's just, you know, Green belt land in general. 

TEEN

I was a green belt.

MARV

Black belt. I could kick your arse any day. 

TEENS [together]

Ohhh!

ALAN

I mean, no, I'm talking about countryside. You know, I'm like you guys, I like to kick back, get a bunch of CDs, chuck them in a holdall, oomph, in the car, bang, countryside.

[MARV bleats]

ALAN

All right, who did that? Was that you? 

MARV

Yep.

ALAN

What's that supposed to mean? 

MARV

That you shag sheep. 

ALAN

There's no need for that, mate.

MARV

Sorry. 

ALAN

That's all right, that's cool, that's cool. 

MARV

Didn't mean to insult your girlfriend!

ALAN

Yeah, my girlfriend's not a sheep, you wally. 

GIRL

Shut up, Marv. 

ALAN

Yeah, shut up, Marv! [another paper missile is thrown] Um... You dick, calling me a sheep shagger! 

MARV

You are one.

ALAN

You think I'm a sheep shagger? 

MARV

Don't know, mate.

ALAN

Yeah. I think maybe you're a sheep-shagger. Yeah, you're one that keeps going on about it. You probably keep sheep magazines under your bed. Yeah? 

MARV

Yeah. 

ALAN

Probably keep pictures of sheep lying on their back in a pen, you know, with the knickers off. Yeah, you're the sheep-shagger, yeah? Bet you kiss them, bet you, yeah? 

[LISA laughs]

ALAN

Lie them down on the back, kiss them tenderly, stick your tongue in their mouth, swirl it round, yeah? Play with the teats...

MARV

No.

ALAN

...you know, get behind it, strum them like a guitar, yeah? Grab fistfuls of fur, grab its horns like a bike, like a drop handlebars on a racer. A grifter would be more of a yak, yeah? And do you hold them afterwards and say, "You mean the world to me", you know, spooning them with your hot balls, pushed up against its woolly back. [studio phone rings] That's probably for me. Ooh, I'm really scared! I am a bit. Hello? Hello, Craig. Okay, yeah, I'll be up in a minute, yeah. Okay.

[ALAN sighs, gets up and leaves the studio, cut to black]

note: The episode title is a reference to the journalist and broadcaster Bill Grundy whose career was cut short after a disastrous interview with the Sex Pistols in 1976.