MMM S02E01A: Foxhunter

ALAN [choral singing]

Oh Master grant that I may never seek, so much to be controlled as to control, to be understood as to understand, to be loved as to love with all my heart... Make me a channel of your peace... and so on and so forth. That was our Hymn of the Day, it's 10am and this is Mid Morning Matters with me, I, Alan Partridge, and in the words of Freddie Flintstone, today's show is going to be yabba-dabba-doo! Sorry, I did Jimmy Savile there!

SIMON [correcting]

Sir, sir. 

ALAN

Yes, of course, Sir Jimmy Savile, the disgraced Knight of the Realm. And a quick correction, yesterday I read out a text saying that oestrogen was a kind of gas used to blow up balloons. Of course it isn't, it's a hormone used by women to perform a number of tasks relating to themselves. 

SIMON

...And others.

ALAN

Thank you. Okay, time for today's Large Question. 

JINGLE [Alan]

Large question!

ALAN

If you could invite anyone to a dinner party, who would it be, dead or alive?

SIMON

Well, I'll probably go for alive!

[ALAN laughs a bit and gives an exasperated face to the webcam]

ALAN

Seriously though, who would they be? 

SIMON

I've got them here. I would have Cubby Broccoli, Jasper Carrott, Mary Berry, Jack Lemon and Mr. Bean, just to make sure I definitely got my five a day! 

ALAN

Yeah, well seriously though, that would get things moving. Oh, is that all alright now?

SIMON

It- it's er... So who would be... who would you have at yours? 

ALAN

Jesus Christ, Margaret Thatcher, Dennis Thatcher, Carol Thatcher, and... um... Mark Thatcher. 

SIMON

So just, it would be Jesus and the Thatcher family?

ALAN

Yeah. 

SIMON

I have a tweet from Janey, 72, who tweets to say [ALAN barely supresses a belch] she'd invite the Har- you alright? 

ALAN

Yep.

SIMON

She'd invite the Harlem Globetrotters and Nigel Farage. 

ALAN

Ooh! He'd get battered!

[CUT TO: off-air, ALAN is on the studio landline]

ALAN

Colby, I'm your stepfather and that accords me certain rights! Yes, she's your mother, but she's also my bird! I just don't see why I should take the blame because your dad ran off. He did! He did. He did, he did. He did. Colby, Colby, he's not on an oil rig. He's in the Cotswolds.

[CUT TO: on-air, ALAN and SIMON are joined in the studio by CECIL, mid-conversation. ALAN is wearing a cravat]

ALAN

I mean, even the noise he made sounded like a siren. [Savile impression] "How's about that?". Almost...

SIMON [interrupting]

Maybe it was a... there was a part of his brain that was actually trying to warn people. 

ALAN

It could well be! We don't know how half the brain works, just... god! [ALAN pauses for thought and then shivers] Coming up, a chance to win a free CD from Jazzy Jeff and the French Prince!

SIMON

French Prince, is it? Fresh maybe?

ALAN

It's Fresh Prince.

SIMON

Yeah.

ALAN

Oh yeah, well, of course, but they're all republicans, aren't they? And if you're a Frenchman claiming to be a prince, you'd be certainly very soon end up being beheaded by a revolting peasant! Joining me today is someone else who presumably finds peasants revolting.

CECIL 

I'm not sure about that! 

ALAN

Yeah, well... fibber! [scoffs] Because this weekend sees the Annual North Norfolk Hunt. 

SIMON

Whoa! Careful how you say that one!

ALAN

Why? 

[SIMON doesn't want to have to spell it out]

ALAN

It's traditionally a time of intense shouting for both sides of the hunting debate, be it the grunted chant of the balaclava or the reasoned oratory of the North Norfolk huntsmen and women. [to SIMON] I see the point you're making...

SIMON

See? Careful.

ALAN

On the advice of police, we've agreed to give the leader of the Norfolk Hunt a platform to appeal for calm, especially after the ugly scenes last year when, I think, a Lord got thumped. Please welcome Sir Cecil Phillips. That wasn't you, was it?

CECIL

No no no, I'm not a Lord. Many, many, many thanks for having me here. 

ALAN

An honour and a privilege. Now, your message to the protesters is quite simple. 

CECIL

It is, yes. Wha- um... Well, whilst we don't actually...

ALAN [interrupting]

Simply, it's, "Look, you've had your say, but this is private property, so... on your way!"

CECIL

Well, no. No. Whilst we don't share the views of the anti-hunt lobby, we do respect their right to disagree with what we're saying...

ALAN

And the right to be heard, sure, sure, sure, sure. But, but, if they cross the line, there are a thousand Countryside Alliance boys ready to go. 

CECIL

Well, the, the, the Countryside Alliance is really a lobbying organisation. 

ALAN

And how! It's what the National Trust would be if it grew a pair. 

CECIL

No, the point I'd really like to get across is that if you try to sabotage the safe passage of the Hunt, you're endangering yourselves, you're endangering us, and you're endangering horses.

ALAN

Horses. Clever. Horses are animals. Snookered. 

SIMON

Well, maybe they should play snooker. No one gets hurt in snooker!

ALAN

What? Have you seen Minder?! [to CECIL] Minder was a television programme many years ago, where a rather vulgar chap, from ITV, would gallivant around London, you know, resolving petty monetary differences with people, often at the fat-end of a snooker queue. They're not allowed to show it anymore. Another... ITV, by the way, is the channel that used to show the commercial... you don't need to know about that.

[CUT TO: off-air, ALAN is in the studio reading a copy of Air-Gun Magazine and ANGELA resting her head on his shoulder]

ALAN

I like that one, with the silencer.

ANGELA

Would you like to go and buy an air rifle this weekend?

ALAN

Can I?

ANGELA

Yes, you could go shooting squirrels with the boys.

ALAN

Do you think they'd like air rifles?

ANGELA

Definitely.

ALAN

Of course, they're from a broken home! 

[CUT TO: on-air, back with CECIL PHILLIPS]

ALAN

Also, of course, the protesters, they very rarely point out, is the welfare of the beagles. Some of the abuse these dogs are subject to by these so-called law-abiding protesters. "Bad dog! Bad dog! Bad dog!", I mean, that's got to affect their self-esteem. 

SIMON

Well, do dogs have self-esteem? 

ALAN

Yes, that's the... Cecil, do dogs have self esteem?

CECIL

Well, you know, I wouldn't be at all surprised. They're very well-trained, highly intelligent dogs.

This is presumably why you use them. I mean, you're not going to get very far with a poodle or... 

SIMON

A corgi!

CECIL

You wouldn't get very far down the road!

SIMON

I don't see a corgi going face-to-face with a fox. 

CECIL

It would need to be a damn small...

ALAN 

It would absolutely shit itself! Pathetic! Well, God willing, this year you'll be left alone to rid your land of what, I hear, are pretty nasty animals. 

SIMON

And the foxes aren't great either! 

ALAN

Ah, yes. He's talking about... 

CECIL

No, come on, come on, guys. You can't begrudge someone, you know, peaceful protest.

ALAN

Yeah, I know. I think he's talking about these... types. Two to a sleeping bag... Hanging from trees...

SIMON

Placards with no... placards with no, like, official font!

ALAN

Exactly. They're just... 

SIMON

Squished in!

ALAN

All that is all bunched up. The kerning's wrong! You know, I'd like to see them run a business.

Wouldn't last five... I mean, presumably you... unless... Is it inherited?

CECIL

It's inherited. 

ALAN

Even better. I once inherited a clock. Beats buying them! 

CECIL

Well, what I would say is it's a very traditional pursuit. And it's with a very, very welcoming atmosphere.

ALAN

Right. So, anyone's welcome?

CECIL

Well, you know, within reason. I mean, we don't want to welcome any old Tom, Dick and Harry...

ALAN

Absolutely. Although Tom, Dick and Harry, of course, very popular names amongst huntsfolk.

CECIL

We have lots of names. 

SIMON

You can't welcome every Karl, Lee and Barry. 

ALAN

Yeah. I think that's the point, isn't it? You don't want to mix too much with... I don't suppose you know many Lees?

CECIL

We have a Leopold!

ALAN

Yeah. You shouldn't have said that. Okay! Time for some middle-of-the-road music. She's got diamonds and a nice big bum! It's Jennifer Lopez. 

[CUT TO: ALAN and SIMON taking calls on the Large Question]

ALAN

We're talking dream dinner party guests. Line four, Nathaniel.

CALLER: NATHANIEL

I'd have a banquet at Hampton Court Palace with Alexander the Great, Ronald Reagan, Winston Churchill, Noel Edmonds, Mozart, the Krankies... 

ALAN 

A lot of people. 

CALLER: NATHANIEL

...Attila the Hun and James Dean. Then I'd blow up the building and wipe them out. 

ALAN

Why would you want to kill people when most of them are already dead?

CALLER: NATHANIEL

Well, Noel Edmonds isn't. He's still very much at large.

ALAN

Right. So the other guests are merely bait for Edmonds?

CALLER: NATHANIEL

Precisely, yeah.

ALAN

But you'd be destroying a national monument. 

CALLER: NATHANIEL

Well, I've thought of other venues, but I need to be absolutely sure that Edmonds will attend. My research tells me that if it's hosted at Hampton Court Palace, then he'll definitely come.

SIMON

So why are the Krankies there? 

CALLER: NATHANIEL

I plan to strap the explosives to Jeanette Krankie as he'd be unlikely to search her. 

SIMON

Right. In the current climate... 

ALAN

It's Operation Yewtree. 

CALLER: NATHANIEL

He'd be assaulting both a woman and a minor.

ALAN

Excellent. I like it, it's a clean kill! Do call again, Nathaniel. Line three, Jez. Who's coming to dinner?

CALLER: JEZ

I don't give a toss about dinner. 

ALAN [to SIMON]

Has he already eaten? 

CALLER: JEZ

That guy kills foxes, and you didn't challenge him on a single thing he said! It was totally one-sided! If you want me to Photoshop your face onto a picture of a fat woman's body and tell people that's what you look like under your clothes, you're going about it the right way, sunshine!

ALAN

Well, obviously I don't want that!

[dead air]

ALAN

Are you quiet cos you're angry, or... is he quiet cos he's angry?

SIMON

He's gone. He's gone.

ALAN

Fine. 

[CUT TO: ALAN alone in the studio, recording a jingle]

ALAN

Wa-wa-wa wa-wa 

Wa-wa-wa wa-wa 

Wa-wa-waaaa [deep inhale]

Wa...

[CUT TO: back on-air, rejoined by CECIL. ALAN has removed his cravat]

ALAN

You're listening to Alan Partridge.

JINGLE 

[wa-wa's with added reverb] Alan's Balanced Debate. It's genuinely balanced! BAM!

ALAN

Excellent. And we're back with Cecil Phillips of the North Norfolk... Hello.

CECIL

Hello.

ALAN

Joined, in the interest of impartiality, on my left, by none other than Simon Denton. Simon, I believe your girlfriend is a vegetarian. 

SIMON

Yes. 

ALAN

Great. Well, Simon will be replacing his jester hat with a protester hat, which is often, frequently, a jester's hat. Simon Denton, you oppose fox hunting. Why?

SIMON

I just think it's cruel to the foxes. 

ALAN

Cecil Phillips? You and your mates just go around beating up wildlife for kicks! Innit? Innit?

CECIL

No, no, well, foxes can be pretty unpleasant. I think we have a very romanticised idea of foxes. If you'd ever been in a chicken coop after a fox attack...

ALAN

Absolutely. Yes, Simon Denton, foxes, they're thieving bastards! If a fox was a human being, it'd be David Starkey, a real git of a guy! 

SIMON

They always talk about the inside of a chicken coop, but foxes are animals, at the end of the day.  They're not evil, they're just looking for food.

ALAN

Philip, you portray these little red dogs... 

CECIL 

No, they're not dogs. 

ALAN

...Little red dogs, they're just trying to put a chicken dinner on the table for the cubs!

CECIL

Chickens are a farmer's livelihood. 

ALAN

Precisely! Simon Denton, he's saying foxes are screwing the farmers, and meanwhile they're being defended by soap dodging, meat dodging... job dodgers!

CECIL

No, I did not say that! No.

ALAN

He didn't say that. He's saying, whoa, you're putting words in my mouth, big time! Back off!

CECIL

No, no, I'm saying fox numbers need to be controlled. 

ALAN [to SIMON]

Answer him!

SIMON

I just think there's an arrogance about it all.

ALAN

Yeah, Sir Cecil, he looks at you guys in your red tunics and your tight white tights...

CECIL

... jodhpurs ...

ALAN

...and he thinks you just look like bloody pillocks! 

CECIL

Look, I won't deny that our pageantry we take seriously, but you can't just turn up in jeans.

ALAN

Now, that's a good point...

CECIL

It's not like some teenage pursuit like, like Laser Quest. 

ALAN

Yeah, you can't just turn up...  [to CECIL] Now, hang on a second. Hang on a second. Laser Quest is not a teenage pursuit. I Quest with a Round Tabler who served in Northern Ireland. Sometimes he gets flashbacks! I have to talk him down over a milkshake. 

CECIL

It's different. 

ALAN

If society ever breaks down, you may well regret not having been to Laser Quest, because the people who can't stand you go a lot.

CECIL

I'm sure we'll cope. 

ALAN

I think you'd be overrun by sheer weight of numbers!

SIMON

Exactly. If the working classes all rise up as one, then you are done for, mate. 

ALAN

Are you a communist? 

CECIL

We have horses...

ALAN

Yeah. Horses, I'm sorry, in an inner-city war zone, will be all but useless. 

SIMON

End up roasting on a spit in the middle of the precinct.

ALAN

Yeah, in some sort of post-apocalyptic vision of hell. 

SIMON

Yeah, where the hunter becomes the hunted. 

ALAN

You can run, but you can't hide! Sure, you ditch your red tunic and don a hoodie, and you blend in for a while. 

SIMON

But then some local grabs you and says, "All right, mate?" 

ALAN

Yeah, yes, and you say, "Yeah, spiffing! Oh- uh... wag'waan!", but the game's up! By nightfall, you and Leopold are swinging from a lamppost, your bugles stuck up your backside, so the last gases escaping from your body make a bleakly comic noise. 

[ALAN imitates a sad bugle tone]

ALAN

And I'm afraid that's all we've got time for, but encouraging to know that within that, you've at least found some common ground! Cecil, your dream dinner party guests?

[CECIL says nothing, just stares into the middle-distance. A broken man]

ALAN

Hmm?

[cut to black]