MMM S01E11: Agony Alan
JINGLE [thick Irish accent]
Well now, would you look at that! Bejaysus an' begorrah, top of the morning to ya! ALAN [laughing along]
Love it! Love it! It's not actually top of the morning, it's mid-morning, you great... Irish loony! Not actually an Irish loony, it's the dulcet tones of local voiceover artist John Meeber. We'd get him in, but he's housebound, had the downstairs loo converted to a sound booth with an ISDN line installed in 2000. Today we're talking forced celebrity breeding, if you could take two famous people and force them to mate, who would it be and why? Line two, we have Duncan in Beccles. Hello, Duncan...
CALLER: DUNCAN
Hello, Alan. I'd go for Stephen Hawking and Pamela Anderson. Then you'd create a beautiful genius.
ALAN
Abs- What a lovely idea! Or... a disabled lifeguard.
Abs- What a lovely idea! Or... a disabled lifeguard.
CALLER: DUNCAN
Oh, yeah. [horrified] Oh, God, yeah.
Oh, yeah. [horrified] Oh, God, yeah.
ALAN
Yeah. And I'll tell you something, Duncan, you wouldn't be able to sack them, not these days.
Yeah. And I'll tell you something, Duncan, you wouldn't be able to sack them, not these days.
CALLER: DUNCAN
I actually saw you in a petrol station, Alan. About a year ago.
I actually saw you in a petrol station, Alan. About a year ago.
ALAN
Did you?
Did you?
CALLER: DUNCAN
Yeah, you looked quite angry. But you had brand-new jeans on. Bye!
Yeah, you looked quite angry. But you had brand-new jeans on. Bye!
ALAN [nonplussed]
Bye!
Bye!
[cut to black]
ALAN
That was When Smokey Sings from ABC. We know the rest, it's the alphabet. Um, webcam voyeurs, hello! You may be aware that I'm sitting in the presence of a blonde specimen of the human race, who you may not recognise her face, but you'll certainly be familiar with her torso which has graced this booth when I have been presented with various mugs of tea-age and... and, erm biscuitoire, courtesy of Dutchie Originals! Anyway, without further ado, I'm try- what I'm trying to do is introduce you to the, er, feisty filly actually...
ZOE [interjecting]
Oh, thank you!
Oh, thank you!
ALAN
...I'm starting to realise, that is Zoe Scott. Great to have you on the team, Zo.
ZOE
Lovely to be your new sidekick, Alan.
Lovely to be your new sidekick, Alan.
ALAN
Well, some might say sidekick, you're probably more like erm... a co-DJ.
Well, some might say sidekick, you're probably more like erm... a co-DJ.
ZOE
Okay.
ALAN
Actually, I am the DJ. What shall we call you?
ZOE
A banter jockey?
ALAN [impressed]
Yeah, alright.
ZOE
BJ... That sounds a bit rude!
ALAN
You're a breath of fresh air. You really are!
[ZOE not sure how to respond to that]
ALAN
And the same time tomorrow, it's the semi-finals of our religious debating competition, Creed Crunch, which sees last year's winner, Islam, face Hinduism after the Hindus knocked out Christianity in the quarter, should be a lot of fun. Please, please, can we not have crowds amassing outside the radio station, burning not-very-well-made papier-mâché effigies of me, and Steve Doran, for some reason.
ZOE
The weatherman?
ALAN
Yeah, I think they just didn't like the sound of his voice. Okay, here's the weather with Steve Doran.
JINGLE
The Weather, sponsored by Turners Kitchen Solutions.
[INTERLUDE: ALAN is alone in the studio, dozing off while Pavarotti sings Nessun Dorma, slowly sliding off his chair and only coming to his senses when he hits the floor. He picks himself up, clearing his throat and gathering his senses as he resumes his usual on-air position]
ALAN [introducing today's guest]
Welcome, Polly.
Welcome, Polly.
POLLY [entering the studio, sitting down]
Hi, Alan.
ZOE
So, if you just try and enjoy it... and we try and keep the conversation quite informal.
ALAN
Yeah, but not too informal. I mean, it's not Nigel Pinsent's In Depth, but neither is it Wally Banter's Junkbox!
Yeah, but not too informal. I mean, it's not Nigel Pinsent's In Depth, but neither is it Wally Banter's Junkbox!
POLLY
Okay, all right, fine.
Okay, all right, fine.
ALAN
And also, Polly, if there's any gaps in the conversation or in your responses, then Zoe or I will jump in.
And also, Polly, if there's any gaps in the conversation or in your responses, then Zoe or I will jump in.
ZOE
Yeah, like Polyfilla.
Yeah, like Polyfilla.
ALAN
Polyfilla, yeah, that's very good! So, are you're quite clever?
Polyfilla, yeah, that's very good! So, are you're quite clever?
ZOE
I do okay!
I do okay!
ALAN
Yeah, you do, don't you?
ALAN
Okay, let's do it. [record playing fades down] You're listening to MMM with AP. I'm joined by agony aunt Polly Maplin. Hello, Polly!
Okay, let's do it. [record playing fades down] You're listening to MMM with AP. I'm joined by agony aunt Polly Maplin. Hello, Polly!
POLLY
Hi, Alan.
ALAN
Those of you who are familiar with the Norfolk Herald will know that Polly is both wise and kind, a kind of no-nonsense shaman for Norfolk, North Norfolk. Our first caller wishes to remain anonymous, which in my experience means it should be a cracker. Hello?
Those of you who are familiar with the Norfolk Herald will know that Polly is both wise and kind, a kind of no-nonsense shaman for Norfolk, North Norfolk. Our first caller wishes to remain anonymous, which in my experience means it should be a cracker. Hello?
CALLER: SISSY [flustered and nervous]
Hi, Alan. Hi, Polly.
POLLY
Hello, darling.
Hello, darling.
ALAN [interjecting]
And hello, Zoe!
CALLER: SISSY
Oh, sorry. Hi, Zoe.
Oh, sorry. Hi, Zoe.
ZOE
Hi.
ALAN
Go ahead.
Go ahead.
CALLER: SISSY
I've had a really tough year...
I've had a really tough year...
ALAN
Hmm, an 'annus horribilis'. Some people think that's Latin for irritable bowel syndrome, it's actually Latin for just the Queen's sad year.
Hmm, an 'annus horribilis'. Some people think that's Latin for irritable bowel syndrome, it's actually Latin for just the Queen's sad year.
POLLY
Go on, my love.
Go on, my love.
CALLER: SISSY
Okay. I'm a bit frightened of my husband. He has a temper and I know he's been abusive in previous relationships and he's recently started to behave that way towards me. But it's difficult because I know he's been under stress at work...
POLLY
Can I just interrupt you there? I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name...
ALAN
She's anonymous. You can call her what you like. Sissy.
She's anonymous. You can call her what you like. Sissy.
POLLY
Listen to me, darling. It's never, ever acceptable for a man to be abusive. Ever.
Listen to me, darling. It's never, ever acceptable for a man to be abusive. Ever.
ALAN
Can I just- sorry, just clarify something? Sissy, your husband, did he hit you or was it just a shove?
Can I just- sorry, just clarify something? Sissy, your husband, did he hit you or was it just a shove?
POLLY
Why the distinction? I don't follow...
ALAN
I'm just- I'm on your side! I know it's absolutely no longer acceptable to give your spouse a fat lip or a thick ear and hasn't been acceptable since 1978, even in Scotland. But a shove...
POLLY
A shove is absolutely not acceptable.
A shove is absolutely not acceptable.
ALAN
Okay. I don't mean into a thorn bush or a skip full of broken fluorescent tubing. I mean just, you know, in the corridor, onto the carpet.
Okay. I don't mean into a thorn bush or a skip full of broken fluorescent tubing. I mean just, you know, in the corridor, onto the carpet.
POLLY
No, abuse is abuse. I mean, it doesn't even have to be physical. It could just be something like shouting in the car or...
No, abuse is abuse. I mean, it doesn't even have to be physical. It could just be something like shouting in the car or...
ALAN
Hang on, are you saying that in the early 80s, when I was giving my wife driving lessons and I said, "Jesus, there's a kid, you dozy cow!", that... you're saying that's abuse, whereas I simply think I was trying to save the life of a child. Next caller...
Hang on, are you saying that in the early 80s, when I was giving my wife driving lessons and I said, "Jesus, there's a kid, you dozy cow!", that... you're saying that's abuse, whereas I simply think I was trying to save the life of a child. Next caller...
[cut to black]
ZOE
So, a quick email here from Samantha, who says that she has fat arms.
POLLY
Oh, Samantha, I mean, a lot of people, so many of you have a fixation with physical perfection these days. It's because we're bombarded with images of size zero models, an impossible ideal to attain...
ALAN
It is, absolutely. Samantha, I'm sure your arms are absolutely fine. She's got an attachment here. Oh, my god, they are vast! Wow! That's...
It is, absolutely. Samantha, I'm sure your arms are absolutely fine. She's got an attachment here. Oh, my god, they are vast! Wow! That's...
POLLY
Alan...
ALAN
You've got a lovely face, Samantha! She's got a lovely face. I've got to send this to Jonathan Ross...
ZOE
Okay, and, yeah, we've got a letter here from Lucinda. Lucinda says, I'm 45, but I'm going out with a 23-year-old man. We clicked straight away, but although he's very affectionate, we're yet to make love and he cannot maintain an erection. And I'm worried it's my fault. What shall I do?
POLLY
Well, it's actually very common in younger men, much more so than people realise...
ALAN
Yeah, yeah. I mean, these young men look all well and good in the underpant adverts, but when it comes- when they hit the hay...
Yeah, yeah. I mean, these young men look all well and good in the underpant adverts, but when it comes- when they hit the hay...
ZOE
...It's a failure to launch!
ALAN
Yeah, I like it!
POLLY
Zoe, come in here. What do young women make of it all these days?
Zoe, come in here. What do young women make of it all these days?
ZOE
Well, I suppose it comes down to confidence, really, doesn't it? Because I think a younger man can be a bit too eager to please and they end up at, sort of, at sixes and sevens! And then an older man, you know, with some experience, is perhaps a bit more at ease with himself.
ALAN
Yeah...
POLLY
...And of course we're very fortunate these days, we have Viagra.
ALAN
Although do not exceed the stated dose!
ZOE
So, you've suffered from that, have you, Alan?
So, you've suffered from that, have you, Alan?
ALAN
No, no, no, no, no. No!
No, no, no, no, no. No!
POLLY
Well, a lot of men have. I mean, it's nothing to be ashamed of.
Well, a lot of men have. I mean, it's nothing to be ashamed of.
ALAN
All right, all right, all right, once. But that was only because I'd already commenced foreplay when I remembered I hadn't renewed my tax disc, but once I put a quick call into the DVLA, lovemaking could begin in anger!
All right, all right, all right, once. But that was only because I'd already commenced foreplay when I remembered I hadn't renewed my tax disc, but once I put a quick call into the DVLA, lovemaking could begin in anger!
POLLY
I think it's all about making sure the conditions are right. Getting the mood right, the atmosphere.
ALAN
Oh, sure. I mean, I'm not going to be embarrassed about this, seeing as we're trying to be grown-up about this. There have been times when I've been more rubbery than turgid. I mean, you can't just summon up tumescence like room service.
Oh, sure. I mean, I'm not going to be embarrassed about this, seeing as we're trying to be grown-up about this. There have been times when I've been more rubbery than turgid. I mean, you can't just summon up tumescence like room service.
ZOE
Yeah, and, you know, I think it's partly down to the woman to, sort of, help set the mood, a little help for the man to relax.
ALAN
Absolutely, absolutely. Thank you, thank you. I mean, it's all about mood. Take the phone off the hook...
Absolutely, absolutely. Thank you, thank you. I mean, it's all about mood. Take the phone off the hook...
POLLY
Mm-hm.
Mm-hm.
ALAN
Put on some easy listening, Carpenters, Enya... and, of course, make sure the heating's on.
Put on some easy listening, Carpenters, Enya... and, of course, make sure the heating's on.
ZOE
Okay! Got another email here from Paul in Swaffham on forced celebrity breeding. This one is Kylie Minogue and David Dickinson to make an Oompa Loompa!
Okay! Got another email here from Paul in Swaffham on forced celebrity breeding. This one is Kylie Minogue and David Dickinson to make an Oompa Loompa!
ALAN
Absolutely. Minogue provides the size, Dickinson provides the requisite skin tone and expression. Let's have some Alison Moyet.
[cut to black]
ZOE
Okay! And now it's time for more forced celebrity breeding! I've got Ibrahim on line one.
Okay! And now it's time for more forced celebrity breeding! I've got Ibrahim on line one.
CALLER #3
Err, I was hoping to speak to Polly actually...
ALAN
No, Polly's nipped out, I'm afraid.
CALLER: IBRAHIM
Okay, it's just that I've been going out with with this girl for... about eight months now... and she's suddenly told me she doesn't love me any more. Could do with speaking to Polly...
ALAN
Yeah, Polly's nipped out, mate. I did say.
ZOE
Yeah, but... do you fancy some forced celebrity breeding instead? It's kind of fun!
Yeah, but... do you fancy some forced celebrity breeding instead? It's kind of fun!
CALLER: IBRAHIM
Er, no... You don't understand I really loved this woman and... without her, my life is empty... I think the time has come for me to end it.
ALAN [whispering to ZOE]
Go and get Polly!
[ZOE gets up to leave the studio]
ALAN
Okay, listen, stay calm. Er, Abraham...
Okay, listen, stay calm. Er, Abraham...
CALLER: IBRAHIM
Ibrahim.
Ibrahim.
ALAN
...I know what you're going through.
...I know what you're going through.
CALLER: IBRAHIM
Really? How can you?
Really? How can you?
ALAN
Um, I'd just do... that said if I could just do the traffic update... It's just that we're contractually bound and it is nearly quarter past...
Um, I'd just do... that said if I could just do the traffic update... It's just that we're contractually bound and it is nearly quarter past...
CALLER: IBRAHIM
Oh, forget about it, don't worry.
ALAN
Okay, alright, I won't do it.
CALLER: IBRAHIM
You don't understand, do you?
ALAN
I do! I'll tell you something, okay? I'll tell you something I've never told anyone before. In summer 1980, I was on a country road and I was distracted by the Moscow Olympic boycott when I slipped on some shit and crashed into a horse. I was driving a car at the time, I must add that.
CALLER: IBRAHIM
A horse?
ALAN
Yes, I felt helpless! I'd shattered both its legs. Well, two of them, it had four. I didn't know what to do.
In the end, after phoning the RSPCA and putting on a Scottish accent, I simply abandoned it. And I wandered home, you know, past the slow-moving eastbound traffic on the A47.
JINGLE
Sponsored by Castrol.
CALLER: IBRAHIM
Are you doing the traffic report?
ALAN
Yeah. I'm spinning plates here, mate, I'll be honest.
Yeah. I'm spinning plates here, mate, I'll be honest.
[ZOE re-enters the studio with POLLY]
ALAN
Polly, thank goodness, I've got a sad Arab on line three!
POLLY
Hello, Ibrahim Polly here, my love. How can I help you?
Hello, Ibrahim Polly here, my love. How can I help you?
CALLER: IBRAHIM
Oh, Polly, thank you. It's my girlfriend. She told me she doesn't love me any more and I'm thinking of ending the relationship.
POLLY
Well...
Well...
ALAN
Wait, you're not going to kill yourself?
CALLER: IBRAHIM
No, of course I'm not going to kill myself.
No, of course I'm not going to kill myself.
ALAN
Mate, if I'd known that, I would have never told you about my equicide. Thanks a lot, Abraham.
Mate, if I'd known that, I would have never told you about my equicide. Thanks a lot, Abraham.
CALLER: IBRAHIM
Ibrahim!
[cut to black]
ZOE
I've got a letter here from Katie in King's Lynn. She says that her grandmother died over a year ago but she's finding it hard to move on and she still cries every day.
I've got a letter here from Katie in King's Lynn. She says that her grandmother died over a year ago but she's finding it hard to move on and she still cries every day.
POLLY
Oh, well, Katie, you must remember, my darling, that there's nothing wrong with crying.
ALAN
Nothing wrong with crying. Nothing wrong with crying. I sometimes cry in the shower. That way you don't know if it's hot water or tears.
Nothing wrong with crying. Nothing wrong with crying. I sometimes cry in the shower. That way you don't know if it's hot water or tears.
ZOE
It wouldn't be much good to her, though, if she takes baths.
ALAN
No, we can cry underwater. As long as you can hold your breath. I find thirty-second bursts are more than ample for the problems I encounter.
No, we can cry underwater. As long as you can hold your breath. I find thirty-second bursts are more than ample for the problems I encounter.
POLLY
What sort of problems do you encounter?
What sort of problems do you encounter?
ALAN
Er... I use short-burst underwater crying for lots of things. Like, say, when I think about the dog I had when I was 11.
ZOE
What was he called?
ALAN
Barney. Barney the dog.
Barney. Barney the dog.
ZOE
And what sort of dog was he?
And what sort of dog was he?
ALAN
He was a Jack Russell. He could balance footballs on the end of his nose. I buried him in the back garden.
He was a Jack Russell. He could balance footballs on the end of his nose. I buried him in the back garden.
ZOE
Were you alone?
Were you alone?
[fade to black]
ALAN [emotional]
People offered to help but I wanted to do it by myself. This is Visage! Fade to Grey!
People offered to help but I wanted to do it by myself. This is Visage! Fade to Grey!
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