MMM S02E04A: Jasper

ALAN

And today's dedication comes from the Allsopp family. They say, "Alan, please can you play Bright Eyes by Art Garfunkel? In memory of our beloved Isobel, who died earlier this week, aged just nine". Oh. "And is buried in the back garden". 

SIMON

She's a dog, she's a dog.

ALAN

This is, uh... Sorry, it's quite confusing. It's the... It's the "she". 

SIMON

That is why animals should always be referred to as "it".

ALAN

Yeah. I mean, absolutely. I couldn't agree more. I mean, can you even bury humans in your back garden?

SIMON

Fred West did.

ALAN

Oh, that man! What a Dilbert! You're listening to...

JINGLE

Colossal Questions!

ALAN
Formerly known as...

JINGLE

Large Questions.

ALAN
We're talking bathroom routines and asking in what order do you perform your ablutions? We've got a text in from Helen in Diss. She says, "I go to the toilet straightaway, get rid of it as quickly as possible, then I can enjoy my wash, once empty". Makes a hell of a lot of sense, Helen, I'm with you on that one.

[JASPER quietly enters the studio, ALAN gives him a wave]

ALAN

On the line we have Donald in King's Lynn.

CALLER: DONALD

Hi, Alan, erm... I clean my teeth and shave whilst simultaneously going to the toilet in order to save time.

ALAN

Hmm. 

SIMON

And then wash afterwards?

CALLER: DONALD

Er... Yeah.

ALAN
Good. 

SIMON

And Samuel in Yarmouth. "I don't need a bath. I just crouch on a strong sink. And then it's teeth, face, pits, hands, then backside."

ALAN

Neat! And here's a group who'd love a bit of face, hands and backside. It's the Fine Young Cannibals. Mmm...

[off-air, ALAN turns to greet JASPER]

JASPER
Hello, you.

ALAN

We met once before actually. I think it was at the, er...

JASPER

Are all your phone-ins like that?

ALAN

Ah... Yeah. We cover a range of topics, but that's... That's the tone we aim for.

JASPER

All right. It's remarkable.

ALAN

Thank you! Although that can have two meanings, can't it?

JASPER

Yes, it can, yeah. It's up to you to choose.

ALAN [laughing]

Gold! Gold! Save it though, save it.

[headphones back on, cut to black]

 

ALAN

This is Mid-Mor-Mat, and I'm excited to say that I'm joined by a man from the more outspoken end of the speaking spectrum. He's here to promote his new book, the irascible, the inimitable, the incorrigible Jasper Jones! You're often described as the 'Attack Dog of the Anti-Establishment', a kind of lone wolf, prowling the corridors of power!

JASPER

Hmmm. So, I'm a cross between a wolf and a dog?

ALAN

Yeah.

SIMON

A dolf.

ALAN

Yeah, or a wog. Sorry, I take that back. [floundering] Jasper is... very much... well, he's white. Now, Jasper is here to promote his new book. It's called Free Speech, he's got this sort of devil's tail sticking out of his shoulder there and a couple of horns. Is that because people think you're a bit controversial?

JASPER

I presume so.

ALAN

Right, but you must have had approval?

JASPER

I did, yeah.

ALAN

Right, erm, and the sort of tape over his mouth, there once again. Presumably that's because... to stop your mouth talking because they'd like to shut you up?

JASPER

Oh, they would love to shut me up!

ALAN

They would, wouldn't they?

JASPER

Yes.

ALAN

Who are 'they', by the way?

JASPER

Well, they're the naysayers.

ALAN

 Right, I see. I didn't know. Okay.

[CUT TO: off-air, ANGELA brings a coffee in while SIMON reads a newspaper in the corner]

ANGELA
Here's your vanilla frothy coffee, Mr Partridge.

ALAN
Thank you, Angela.

[ALAN gives ANGELA a kiss]

ANGELA
Come on, I've got... I've got to go back to the desk...

ALAN

Oh, look out.

[ALAN goes in for more advanced ravishment]

ALAN

Simon doesn't mind! Fuck him. Mmm... I'll see you later.

ANGELA

Not if I see you first.

ALAN [as ANGELA leaves]

You drive me barmy!

ANGELA 
Don't be silly.

[ALAN emits what can only be described as a very randy grunt and returns to his seat]

ALAN
I'll tell you what, if I was a dog right now, I'd be chewing a slipper.

[ALAN spins around in his chair, cut to black]

ALAN
Now, you want to sell lots of copies, don't you?

JASPER

Mmm, yeah, well, assuming the placarded plebs don't run me out of town.

ALAN

Yeah. I used to dish out smack downs to the fusspots, but the station manager...

JASPER [talking over ALAN]

It's bog-standard naysaying from the usual crowd. If I could harness all that huffiness, I would start my own wind farm, I think.

ALAN

That's good. Think you may have spoken over me there. I do love your withering put-downs. It's a sort of acerbic...

SIMON [interrupting]
Maybe... Sorry. Maybe your next book should be called Withering Slights.

ALAN
That's good! Simon's our, sort of, regional equivalent of you. He sort of takes a wry, sideways look at the week's news.

JASPER

Does he?

ALAN

Yes. I mean, I can't do it the way he does it, or you do it, but he sort of says things like, "I've heard of such and such, but this is ridiculous!". Or, yeah, "Putting him in charge of X is like putting someone
silly in charge of Y!". And there's another one?

SIMON

Yeah, well, I'll just say, "If they're doing that today, then by tomorrow they'll be doing, you know, something daft."

ALAN

Yeah.

SIMON

Yeah.

ALAN

Lovely stuff! I mean, he's, sort of, Batman to my Robin. You wouldn't want Robin on his own! If the people of Gotham were in trouble, they wouldn't call Robin, they'd phone the police, but Batman likes Robin and I like Simon.

SIMON
Thank you.

JASPER

Yes, well, he's certainly not the Joker.

ALAN

No, he's Robin.

[off-air, ALAN alone in the studio on the phone]

ALAN

Yes, I'd like a compact excavator with a rotating platform and a knuckle-boom. 

Yes, for the whole weekend.

Three-sixty, please.

No, just the tilting bucket.

Well, that's okay, I won't require the driver.

I'll be operating it.

I know, I know.

No, I- I- I want to drive the digger.

Yeah, I know, I'm aware... I'm aware of that. I'm just... I don't...

I know, I'm... I'm... I'm going to be spending this weekend driving a digger!

[on-air]

ALAN

Now, Jasper, I've got a confession. I used to keep your book in the downstairs toilet.

JASPER

Oh.

ALAN

I was about two chapters in and I thought, this is not a toilet book!

SIMON

So he moved it to the coffee table.

ALAN

So I moved it to the coffee table!

JASPER

Well, I'm flattered, Alan.

ALAN

Yeah. Quick spray of Dettol.

JASPER

Well, I hope that wasn't because of the content?

ALAN

No, it's for germs! Because it had been in the toilet! But what I love about it, what I love about you, is that you speak your mind. It really is refreshing. It's like a big gulp of mouthwash or, you know, driving dead fast with all the windows down.

JASPER

Well, I'm of the view that there are certain truths that are self-evident. So what is wrong with talking about them? The black community does have a problem with gun crime, gay activism does upset some people...

ALAN

Israelis are rude at airports.

JASPER

Well, I'm not sure about that.

ALAN

Okay.

SIMON

Japanese people always take photos of signposts. What is that all about?

ALAN

What... Are you asking us?

SIMON

No, that's a joke.

ALAN

Oh, right. Hang on, they do, don't they? [laughs] Yeah, what is all that about?

JASPER

Maybe you should do a phone in?

ALAN

No, no, that we will, that we will... We will do that, definitely, yeah. Okay, here's a guy who's got a mouth like a snare and a voice like a cat trapped in one! It's Shane MacGowan and the Pogues.

[off-air]

ALAN

Love the glasses, by the way.

JASPER

Thank you.

ALAN

And the hair. Although, it looks messy but it's actually quite hard, like you've put lacquer in it.

JASPER

Hmm. When did you touch my hair?

ALAN [floundering]

Er... Er... Er...

[cut to black]

SIMON

More of your texts on bathroom routines. Enid in Docking says anyone who claims they don't wee in the shower is a liar.

ALAN

Oh, bolshy lady! And an email from Barbara in Diss. She says, "When I'm sitting in the bath, people outside can see my head through the window, but when I stand, they can see my fanny. So I have a choice between drawing the curtain or crawling to the bath".  The time is forty years after The Battle of Hastings. 11:06. Maurice in Holt, you want to take issue with Jasper?

CALLER: MAURICE

Yeah. I mean, it's this knee-jerk rubbish he wrote about the Bloody Sunday inquiry.

JASPER

Yeah, you hang around with terrorists, you might get shot.

ALAN

His truth, his truth. Although Gerry Adams, to be fair, has softened as his beard's got greyer. When it was dark and thick...

SIMON

So was he.

[JASPER snorts derisively]

ALAN

Ha, yeah! Yes. Normally, he does loads like that. Seriously!

CALLER: MAURICE

You're just as bad, Alan, ain't ya? Criticising the working class?

[ALAN, annoyed, cuts MAURICE off]

ALAN

I bet he hates fracking. Probably always standing on picket lines.

JASPER

Well, don't they all? Fingerless gloves around the brazier. Spare me.

ALAN

Yeah, striking...

JASPER

And we indulge them.

ALAN

Yeah. "Everybody out!".

JASPER

Everyone says though, "Shouldn't we try, start arbitration?" You know, that would be one way, the other way would be to take them outside and shoot them in front of their kids.

ALAN

Oh-ho! He went there! "Kneel down there, turn your head away. Turn your head away!" And just empty the clip in to the back of his skull. The silence, just... broken just by the sound of the, the, the widow and his sons quietly weeping. [awkward pause, atmosphere has soured] No, but they shouldn't strike.

[off-air, JASPER checks his phone with SIMON on the rear banquette]

SIMON

I liked your book.

JASPER

Yeah, well, don't nick anything.

SIMON

No, I won't. I've got a little book of ideas.

[JASPER, ignoring SIMON holds his phone up to his ear]

SIMON

Just... Sorry.

[on-air]

ALAN

That was Berlin with Take my Breath Away, which I'm dedicating to my partner, Angela, who's got asthma. I'll tell you what takes my breath away. The number of calls and texts we've had about Jasper. It's not been like this since we had the chat about Ramadan. Although, on our message board, a few people have let themselves down with some pretty ugly vitriol.

JASPER

There's a surprise.

ALAN

Yeah, I won't go into detail, but lots of F's, a smattering of effing C's, some D-heads, and various T's
and a couple of S-for-brains.

JASPER

Yes. Right. It sometimes seems to me that...

ALAN [simultaneously]

Erm, okay. Time once again... [to JASPER] Shut up! Time once again for...

JASPER

A thousand apologies.

ALAN
...for our Local Hero of the Week.

JINGLE

Sponsored by Benson & Hedges

SIMON

And you'll remember last week, it went to Andy Deacon, a father of three who was on a school roof retrieving a football and found the body of a cat which he returned to its owner, very thoughtfully, in a silk-lined shoebox.

ALAN

Aah, once again you've been calling with your tales of public spirit, heroism and derring-do.

JASPER

I'm sure it's what Alexander Graham Bell had in mind when he invented the telephone.

ALAN [speaking over JASPER, outraged by the rudeness]

Good humour. Every week, we ask you, our listeners, to put forward someone in your life who you feel is worthy of the title "Hero". It doesn't have to be hero in the traditional sense, ie. a soldier in Iraq but someone you feel has gone out of their way to do something for someone else. That's what we're looking for. It really is that simple.

JASPER [speaking simultaneously, will not be interrupted]

I do sometimes think we set too much store in hearing as many opinions as possible. As Andrew Neil once said to me, "Opinions are like bottoms. Everyone has one and if they had any sense they'd keep it hidden. If it's not Twitter, it's online polls or corporate focus groups. It does makes one crave a little bit of silence.

ALAN 
Unbelievable! Hello, June?

CALLER: JUNE
Hello?

ALAN

It's Alan Partridge from North Norfolk Digital's Local Hero.

JINGLE
Sponsored by Benson & Hedges.

CALLER: JUNE

Who was that?

ALAN

Your friend Maggie tells us that you've been recently knitting some luminous bibs for the car park attendants at your office.

CALLER: JUNE

Oh, I did, yeah!

ALAN

Well, I'm pleased to say that you've been named as this week's Local Hero.

JINGLE
You. Are. A hero!

CALLER: JUNE

Who was that?

ALAN

By way of a prize, er, you should be able to see a man outside dressed as a clown with £100 cash in his pocket.

CALLER: JUNE

Oh. Is he smoking a cigarette?

ALAN

He might be.

[JASPER snorts derisively]

ALAN
Simon, who'd be your local hero?

SIMON

Er... Probably my newsagent. At the end of the day, each day, he gives away all the leftover
sandwiches to homeless people.

ALAN

That's a hero.

SIMON

He's a hero.

ALAN

He's a hero. What about you, Jasper?

JASPER

Oh, no, I couldn't possibly comment!

ALAN

Oh, go on.

JASPER

Oh, well, I'll tell you who I wouldn't nominate...

ALAN
We can all do that. Hitler. Tell us who you would nominate.

JASPER

Well, I've always admired...

ALAN

Not someone who works in the media or London...

JASPER

God forbid! Making one of them a hero would be a like...

ALAN

Don't do one of those. Just tell us who's your hero.

JASPER

Well, there was a history teacher at my school. Er, Mr Rigg.

ALAN [interrupting]

Now that's... Sorry.

JASPER

So he'd be mine... You were saying?

ALAN

No, please do go on, I insist.

JASPER [sincere]

Just, he'd be, er... He didn't have to take me under his wing. And, er... he did. He was very kind to me when I was... when I was vulnerable, and, er... and I miss him. And I don't mind saying that.

[ALAN pats JASPER on the shoulder]

ALAN 

You should talk more like that. Because when you did, you can see in your face that deep down you're a cracking fella!

JASPER

Mmm. Thank you.

ALAN

Fuggetaboutit! Fuggetaboutit! Love that! Okay, time for some music. Here's a chap who's permanently high while his mates sell blubber for cash. It's Bob Marley, and the Wailers.

[cut to black]