IAP S01E04: Basic Alan
[Radio Norwich]
ALAN
That was one of the biggest stadium bands in the world, R... E... O Speedwagon, and the time, for those who like to tell it in a slightly wacky way, is fifty to six. Or, if you’d like to develop the idea, seventy past four. Or even, er…
[dead air while ALAN uses a calculator and notepad]
ALAN
… bear with me… one thousand, two hundred and thirty to twelve! I’m joking of course, but the time is ten past five. Let’s say hello to my new comedy character, Camp David. Hello, Camp David!
CAMP DAVID
Well, hello, Alan!
ALAN
And, what did you have for breakfast this morning?
CAMP DAVID
Ooh, mince!
ALAN
Mmm, yes, indeed! Er, more from Camp David tomorrow. The time is... well, let’s not get bogged down in the time again, simply time to say, "Ruddy hell, it’s Soft Cell!"
[ALAN chomps on a fruit scone as Tainted Love plays]
[title sequence; ALAN with a pint of bitter, "Yeah, well, they’re scumbags, aren’t they? Yeah"]
[Linton lobby; ALAN exits the lift singing Wuthering Heights by Kate Bush]
ALAN
Out on a winding, windy moor we roll and fall in green. You had a temper like my jealousy, too hot, too greedy...
[the travel tavern is under renovations, much of the furniture is covered in sheets, ALAN heads to reception]
ALAN [calling out at an empty reception]
How could you leave me when I needed you, possessed you...
[SUSAN quickly appears behind reception]
ALAN
I hated you... I loved you too...
SUSAN [tuneless singing]
Bad dreams in the night, you told me I was...
ALAN [interrupting]
Dear oh dear oh dear! That is extraordinary! I mean, to look at you, you’d think you’d sing like an angel, but in actual fact you sound like a trapped boy! What a lovely smile! You know, you could have been throwing up all night for all I know, and yet your smile wouldn’t show it. I don’t know, perhaps that’s how you keep your figure. Ahh! You could tell me anything with that smile, and it’d seem like… Christmas.
SUSAN
Well, we are having some major repairs done to the lobby, so I’m afraid all this is going to be out of bounds for the weekend. We decided to go ahead, seeing as you were the only guest staying in the hotel.
ALAN [singing]
Ding dong merrily on high! In heaven the bells are ringing...
SUSAN [badly singing]
Ding dong merrily the sky...
ALAN
Don’t sing, Susan! It sounds bad! Just stick to your smile, it’s a lovely smile! You know, you could work on the Titanic. You could say, "I’m terribly sorry, we’ve run out of lifejackets", and people wouldn’t mind! They’d say, "Thank you for the information, I’ll take my chances. Can I get a coffee? Presumably the buffet’s a bit of a free-for-all... Does the rule about women and children first..."
SUSAN [interrupting]
Alan, why don’t you go and talk to someone else?
ALAN
See, I don’t mind that, you know. Because of the smile. You’d make a very good Judas. Betray me and then kiss me.
SUSAN
Alright, then, I mean, I just don’t want a kiss. I want to go the whole way. If you want me I’ll be round the back.
[SUSAN leaves both reception and ALAN looking uncomfortable. He turns around and sees MICHAEL, SOPHIE and BEN in the bar area, playing charades]
MICHAEL
No, no. Look, right, four words.
SOPHIE
Four words.
BEN
Four words.
[MICHEAL makes a series of almost-avian noises, miming talons]
SOPHIE
Big bird. Eagle? Er… hawk?
BEN
Albatross? Bat?
SOPHIE
Eating?
ALAN [interrupting]
The... The Eagle Has Landed.
MICHAEL
Aye, The Eagle Has Landed.
ALAN
Michael, can I have a drink, please?
MICHAEL [heading to the bar]
Aye, sure.
ALAN
I’ll have a mineral water, please.
MICHAEL
Aye. Still, or fizzy?
ALAN
Er... half and half.
[MICHAEL quickly makes the drink and hands it to ALAN without looking at him, more keen to go back to the charades arena]
MICHAEL
Hey, I’ve got another! Right...
SOPHIE
First word; the.
MICHAEL
The… er….
BEN
Second word.
SOPHIE
Second word is… sleep?
MICHAEL
No, er….
BEN
Sleeping?
SOPHIE
Awake? No. Er…
[MICHAEL mimes sleeping then waking up to a new day, then barking]
ALAN
Day of the Jackal. Day of the Jackal.
MICHAEL
Aye, it’s Day of the Jackal.
[ALAN performs his own mime, washing himself as if in a shower, pointing to himself, then holding a steering wheel]
MICHAEL
Oh, er, three words? Er…wash… my… car. Oh, aye! Wash my... oh, I’m sorry Mr. Partridge. I’m on my way now! [to BEN] I’ve got to go and wash his car now.
[ALAN walks back to reception, SOPHIE is there already]
SOPHIE
Is everything alright, Mr. Partridge?
ALAN
Yeah, yeah. Erm… what’s round the back?
SOPHIE
A couple of traffic cones and an old mattress.
ALAN
Oh, right. Huh.
SOPHIE
Would you like me to book you in for Christmas dinner?
ALAN
It’s May! Sophie, if I’m still here in seven month’s time I think I’m going to be a rather sorry individual.
SOPHIE [smirking]
Well, why don’t I book it now, and you can always cancel later?
ALAN
Yeah, that’s fine.
[SOPHIE revels in another small victory as ALAN makes his way back to the lift]
SOPHIE [off, to BEN]
Why don’t you come round the back?
[Alan stops the lift doors from closing to eavesdrop on SOPHIE and BEN]
BEN
Round the back?
SOPHIE
Yeah, it’s quiet. Come on, fifteen minutes.
BEN
Alright, fifteen minutes.
[Alan walks out of the lift, back towards reception]
ALAN
Er, Ben?
BEN
Yep?
ALAN
Could I have a sandwich, please?
BEN
Yeah. Yeah, sure.
ALAN
Er, cheese. A cheese sandwich.
BEN
Right, Okay.
ALAN
...And cooked meat. And a hot egg. And a crescent of crisps, please. And a side clump of cress.
BEN
Right. And you want that now?
ALAN
Naah! No, no, any time. Any time in the next fifteen minutes.
[ALAN enjoys his disruption and heads back to the lift]
ALAN [singing]
Oh it gets dark, it gets lonely…
[Linton; ALAN's room. ALAN starts a tape on his hi-fi and lays on the bed as pan-pipe music plays]
HI-FI
Welcome to tape two of "Let Go, with Alan Partridge", a sequence of easy exercises to relieve stress, enhanced by the tropical music of the pan-pipes. First, find a quiet place to recline – a bed, or a big chair. I want you to imagine you’re lying on the beach, divested of all the trappings of the twentieth century. No mobile phone, batteries out of your pager…
[unable to relax, ALAN sits up, neatly places his shoes next to each other and resumes his position]
HI-FI
…no clothes. You’re completely naked, or with undergarments perhaps made from bark. You’re all alone, the waves gently licking at your feet, your bark trunks soaking up the water like a sponge…
[it's not working, he gets up again, irritably tucks his shoes under the valance and lays down again]
HI-FI
...Your head loosens from the torso and bobs into the distance. Remember the breathing techniques from tape one, please relax! I can’t emphasise that enough! All of us experience stress, whether you’re a heart surgeon making vital incisions...
[ALAN jumps up, fully closes the drawers on the writing desk and straightens a stack of CDs atop the HI-FI, resumes his attempts to relax]
HI-FI
...or just Dave Bloggs queuing for a rail ticket behind a man who’s buying a travel pass which involves photographs, scissors, forms being filled in, and his Access won’t wipe. You get the picture. Stress like this just won’t go away, and it has to be combated.
[annoyed, ALAN stops the tape]
ALAN
Sod off! [into Dictaphone] Idea for a programme entitled "Yachting Mishaps". Some funny, some tragic. Presented by that man who was trapped upside-down in his hull eating chocolate.
[looking out of his window, SOPHIE and BEN kiss beside a roll-cage of kitchen whites. He's spotted, and they run off laughing]
ALAN [into Dictaphone]
Idea for a programme called "Free Spirits". No, change that to "Bad Attitude".
[picks up the phone receiver and dials a number]
ALAN
Hello? Oh, hello. I’d like to speak to Fernando Partridge, please. It’s his father. It’s his father. Ah, hello. Who's she? Is she your latest… ah, right. You both sound exhausted, have you been running? I was just wondering if you wanted to go for a drink. Yep... Fernando, you’re twenty-two years old and you’re spending Saturday afternoon in bed with a girl! You’re wasting your life. It’s a beautiful day! Take her out to a local fort or a Victorian folly!
[pause]
Yeah, of course. Look, your mum and I, believe me, we did it everywhere. You know, in the lounge, in the hall, behind a large boulder on Helvellyn on my birthday. Actually, that is where you were conceived. Well, we just didn’t take precautions.
[pause]
No! No, we were delighted! Well, I mean, at first I was mortified, you know, but, then you were born and we grew to like you. I remember I left a tartan flask up there. One of those very fragile ones with the screw-on cup-stroke-cap. These days they’re much more resilient, they took the technology from NASA, basically, which is extraordinary. Modern flasks today are directly linked with the Apollo 11 space mission. Hello? Oh, sod him.
[hangs up, after a brief, disgruntled pause, he dials someone else]
ALAN
Hello, is that Curry’s? I’d like to make an enquiry about two supplementary auxiliary speakers to go with my midi hi-fi system, apropos achieving surround sound... Apropos. I mean, it’s Latin, isn’t it? Well, you ought to have a basic grasp of Latin if you’re working in Curry’s. Oh, you’ve got them? Excellent, good! One last thing, what time do you knock off? No, okay, just thought I’d ask. Thank you.
[Linton; lobby. ALAN steps out of the lift, everything is covered in dust sheets and appears deserted]
ALAN [calling out]
Hello? I’m just going for a walk. The petrol station. Get some windscreen washer fluid. [louder] Anyone want to join me? Right. [annoyed] Breath of fresh air!?
[dual-carriageway. ALAN yomps across the grassy side, singing]
ALAN
Goldfinger! He’s the man, the man with the Midas touch... A spider’s touch...
[ALAN enters a petrol station mini-mart]
ALAN [singing]
Such a cold finger… [to the cashier] Hands up! Give me all your petrol.
CASHIER
What?
ALAN
Just a joke. Have you got any windscreen washer fluid?
CASHIER
Yeah.
ALAN
I’ll have, er... twelve bottles, please.
CASHIER
Okay.
ALAN
Nice, er... nice array of pasties you’ve got today.
CASHIER
Oh, thank you.
ALAN
I don’t want one, I’m just making small-talk.
CASHIER
That’s thirty-one twenty, please.
ALAN
Fancy a pint later on?
CASHIER
No, thanks.
ALAN
No, neither do I. Thank you.
[ALAN leaves, walks across the forecourt and heads back along the dual-carriageway]
ALAN [singing]
Such a cold finger... pretty girl, beware of his web of sin! But don’t go in! And the golden girl knows when he’s kissed her, it’s the kiss of death from Mr. Goldfinger!
[Linton; ALAN's room, calling reception]
ALAN
Oh, hello Susan. Slight problem. I was a bit bored, so I dismantled my Corby trouser press. I can’t put it back together again. Will that show up on my bill? No? Great, thanks.
[back to the window where MICHAEL in the car park, looking frustrated by something, when he turns around to see ALAN he smiles. ALAN mimes cocking a handgun, and shooting it three times, MICHAEL clutches his chest and ALAN mimes turning the gun on himself, enjoy9ing the shared moment of silent jocularity]
[driving; speaking into his hands-free headset]
ALAN
Hello, Lynn, message from Alan. Idea for a television programme based on Michael Palin’s Pole To Pole, except I circumnavigate the globe only driving through countries where they drive on the left. And I do it in a lovely old Bullnose Morris. We could call it "Around The World With Alan Partridge... In A Bullnose On The Left". Oh, I’m sorry, Lynn. I think that is possibly the worst idea I have ever had. I’m going nowhere, Lynn! Quite literally, I’m on the ring road. Third time round. I’ve just been into B&Q for a bag of tungsten-tipped screws. Never gonna use ‘em. Never gonna use ‘em. Meet me in the car park in half an hour, Lynn.
[Linton car park; roughly half an hour later]
LYNN
Sorry I’m a bit late. I got caught in a taxi that broke down over there. Couple of miles back. I had to walk.
ALAN
Was that a lie?
LYNN
No. I’m very hot.
ALAN
You know, these are inertia-reel seatbelts. They were developed in the late-sixties, early-seventies basically to enable you to lean forward for things, but in a crash, they do stop you because… Impact! Bang! Lock! I mean, you get bruises, but... I’d love to feel an airbag go off in my face. It would be... Brrr, boosh! Boosh! A really cushioned effect on the face. Oh. I’ll be honest, Lynn, I’m at a loose end, today, that’s why I’m, er… that’s why I’m, er… talking… talking… that’s why I’m talking…. Could you cool me down with a hand fan?
[LYNN complies, holding the fan too clase to ALAN's face so that when he turns round to talk again the blades catch his lip]
ALAN
You know when I met Damon Hill – ow! Lynn! Be careful with it!
LYNN
Sorry.
ALAN
You’ll take my lip off!
[Linton lobby; SUSAN, BEN and SOPHIE are playing cards]
SUSAN
Lynn! Lynn! Come and join us, Lynn.
SOPHIE
We need you to come and play rummy.
SUSAN
Make the numbers up, come on.
[LYNN joins them]
ALAN [patting his satchel]
I’ll er… Lynn, I’ll just go up to my room. Got a bit of work to do, so, er…
[SUSAN deals out cards and ALAN's satchel falls open, revealing there's only his wallet and room key in there]
ALAN
I normally have files in here, but I’ve got some in the room to put in later. Strap’s optional… so, yeah
[ALAN gathers the two items, puts them in the bag and zips it up before slinging the strap over his shoulder and walking towards the lift]
SUSAN [to Sophie]
Oh, no no no. Show, Lynn
BEN
Oh, yeah!
SOPHIE [hands on her hips, imitating ALAN's voice]
Morning, Susan! A-ha!
[They all laugh, even LYNN. ALAN, obviously overhearing this, returns and swings his satchel by the strap over their heads, then picks up a packet of crisps and throws it on the floor]
ALAN
Watch it!
[he runs to the lift, everyone looks shocked, especially LYNN who knows she's in the wrong]
[Linton, ALAN's room. there is a knock on the door]
ALAN
Come in.
[LYNN enters]
LYNN
Would you like a mint?
ALAN [annoyed]
No. Y... yes.
[LYNN gives Alan a mint, having one for herself too]
ALAN
I don’t think you should have one, Lynn. Considering what’s happened.
LYNN [taking the mint from her mouth]
Right.
ALAN
I tell you, it’s a good job you weren’t here five minutes ago. Listen to this. Listen, listen...
DICTAPHONE
Sack Lynn for being unloyal... disloyal... and for joining in fun in a way that excludes her employer. And sack her for being an absolute idiot, and inefficient. Lynn, can you call Bill Oddie and...
ALAN
That’s something else. I’ve calmed down, now.
LYNN
Why don’t you come down and play, then?
ALAN
Play? Lynn, they were doing impersonations of me.
LYNN
Well they were doing impersonations of everyone, Alan. Even me. It was quite savage.
ALAN
Were they really savage? Were they going, "Ooh, shall I sit there? Ooh, shall I sit there? Ooh I’m like a little mouse"?
LYNN [annoyed]
No, actually. It was a little bit like this, "Shall I let you walk all over me? Sorry mother, I can’t get you out of the bath, I’ve got to pop down to Linton Travel Tavern to sort out Alan’s problems!".
ALAN
That’s very good.
LYNN
Thank you.
ALAN
Tell them I’ll join in... and to show that I’m not a stick-in-the-mud, I’m just preparing a little joke for them, which should be a lot of fun...
[Linton lobby; SUSAN walks behind reception and ALAN leaps up growling like a monster. He's wearing a shower curtain as a cape, a rubber bath mat on his front and a shower cap on. SUSAN screams and runs away and MICHAEL steps up, his fist ready]
ALAN [panicked]
I’m a zombie! I’m a zombie, I’m dressed as a zombie! I’m Alan Partridge!
MICHAEL
Would you come out, please, Mr. Partridge, because guests are not allowed behind reception.
ALAN
Alright! Alright. It was just a joke, alright? It’s backfired.
BEN [pointing to the red markings on ALAN's chin]
Is that blood?
ALAN
It’s tomato ketchup.
SUSAN
Why have you got a shower curtain round your neck?
ALAN
I’m a zombie, I don’t know! It’s supposed to be a flap of skin or something.
SUSAN
Did you pull that off one of the showers?
ALAN
No, I checked all the rings to make sure I could re-attach them afterwards. Nothing has been damaged.
MICHAEL
Why have you got biscuits Sellotaped to your face?
ALAN
They’re complimentary, they’re supposed to be flaky skin. I’m a zombie.
SOPHIE
What’s that hanging down between your legs?
ALAN
It’s a flex off a mini-kettle. Supposed to be a tail.
SOPHIE
Zombies don’t have tails.
ALAN
Alright, it’s inconsistent! Zombies, by their very nature, are inconsistent. They’re a mish-mash of different bits.
BEN
No, that’s Frankenstein.
ALAN [holding up two fingers]
Right, you’ve made two glaring errors...
BEN
What’s that on your fingers?
ALAN
They’re tungsten-tipped screws... claws. Right, error one... actually, they’re quite good for making a point, aren’t they? Error one, right, Frankenstein was the name of the creator, not the monster. Error two, right, Frankenstein is a zombie, he’s a type of zombie. It’s like people who say 'Tannoy' when they mean 'public-address system'. Tannoy is a brand name. Why are you all staring at me? I’m not having a go at anyone, I’m having a pop at the undead. Do you see any upset zombies around?
SOPHIE
Just the one.
ALAN
This country.
[with an annoyed swoosh of his shower curtain 'cape', he turns around and walks off]
[Linton bar; it's much later. ALAN is drinking a pint of bitter with MICHAEL behind the bar]
ALAN
It’s so depressing, isn’t it?
MICHAEL
Aye.
ALAN
You ever thought that suicide might be the answer?
MICHAEL
Well, sometimes, aye.
ALAN
Really? When?
MICHAEL
Well, when I’ve seen you looking all depressed and that, you know.
ALAN
Not me, you! Have you ever considered suicide?
MICHAEL
Oh, no. That’s the coward’s way out, man!
ALAN
You must have got up to a few pranks in your time.
MICHAEL
Why aye! Hey, I mind this one time, right, I was stationed out in Belize, right, and I had this little macaque monkey as a pet, right? And one day, I came back to my tent, right, and it’d eaten all my fags!
[ALAN laughs]
MICHAEL
So I picked it up and I threw it into the sea.
[ALAN's light-hearted mood takes a hard U-turn]
ALAN
You threw a monkey in the sea?
MICHAEL
Well, it had eaten all my fags, man. It was a big packet of two-hundred duty-frees, like.
ALAN
You threw a monkey in the sea? That’s awful! I mean, I was fishing for some sort of funny story, that’s just upsetting!
MICHAEL
Well, you know, I wasn’t thinking straight, right? I just, kind of, got the red mist in front of my eyes and I just grabbed the monkey and hoyed it in the sea.
ALAN
Will you stop saying you threw your monkey in the sea? All I can see is a monkey spinning towards the water.
MICHAEL
Well, it didn’t go straight in the water. It bounced off a rock.
ALAN
Oh, Michael! That is such a pointless death! At least when they experiment on them they get something out of it, a nice perfume or something.
MICHAEL
Aye. You know, I’ve often wondered, right, why is it that they put the perfume in the monkey’s eyes, right? Why not just put it on its wrist, like, you know, posh ladies in the department stores?
ALAN
It’s just cruel, isn’t it. Mind you, if you’ve been to Knowsley Safari Park and they’re pulling the wipers off your windscreen and nicking your hub caps, you know, you lose sympathy.
MICHAEL
I’ll tell you what, maybe the monkeys is trying to collect enough parts together to make a complete car, right? And they’ll all just pile in it and break through the gates and escape!
ALAN
It’s a frightening thought.
MICHAEL
Aye. Is this making you feel any better?
ALAN
Not really, no. Yeah, you’ve done some crazy things in your life.
MICHAEL
Aye.
ALAN
I wish I’d been a bit more spontaneous, you know. Sometimes I feel like just going out and, I don’t know, stealing a traffic cone, putting it on my head and saying "Look at me, I’m a giant witch!".
MICHAEL
Aye. You should just do it, you know. Go and steal a cone, man.
ALAN
Oh, I can’t. That’s outrageous.
MICHAEL
I’ll come with you!
ALAN
Yeah?
MICHAEL
We can be like Thelma and Louise, eh? We’ll just steal a traffic cone and then just go off somewhere!
ALAN
I don’t want to go off anywhere, you know. I just want to steal a cone and sort of wave it around a bit, you know.
MICHAEL
Aye, I tell you what, I could hold it up to my mouth like a Tannoy, right...
ALAN [interrupting]
A... speaker system.
MICHAEL
Sorry. I could just hold it there and shout "STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO!".
ALAN
No, it’s a good idea. I mean, I could get Lynn to drive us there. She’s fully comprehensively insured, she’s a named-driver! Let’s go!
MICHAEL
Howay the lads, man! Come on!
ALAN
Right!
[A47 Swaffham Road, later; ALAN is standing outside his car being questioned by two policemen. LYNN is in the driving seat]
POLICE [talking into his radio]
Yeah, we’re questioning one bloke. The other bloke… he seems to have disappeared. There’s a woman in the car. Out. [to ALAN] So, let’s get this straight. Your wife was driving?
ALAN
Yes.
POLICE
You felt a bit sick?
ALAN
Mmm-hmm.
POLICE
So you asked for her to pull over so you can get a traffic cone to be sick into?
ALAN
Yes.
POLICE
Why?
ALAN
I didn’t want to be sick on the road. The cars might, you know, skid on it and crash.
POLICE
There was another fellow with you. Where’s he gone?
ALAN
He ran off over there. He got scared and ran away. He was in the army and I think he saw people being blown up, all like that, and, erm…
POLICE
Do you want to know what I think? I think you’ve got a very vivid imagination.
ALAN
I wasn’t trying to steal a traffic cone!
POLICE
I’m not saying you’re stealing it. I’ve not said that. Why are you saying that? Why are you saying steal?
ALAN
Because... to an innocent bystander, it could... may look like traffic cone theft. And I am an innocent bystander, and to me it looks like traffic cone theft.
POLICE
But it’s not.
ALAN
But it’s not.
POLICE
What’s your name?
ALAN [after a pause]
Bill.
POLICE
Bill?
ALAN
Carr. Bill Carr.
POLICE
Where do you live, Bill? What’s your address?
ALAN
King Road…King Road…
POLICE
Is there a number?
ALAN
Ten... King Road in… Ipswich.
Ten... King Road in… Ipswich.
POLICE
Where are you going now?
Where are you going now?
ALAN
I’m going to go home, and just probably go straight to bed and keep out of trouble.
POLICE
Good, good. We’ll let this go, but I don’t want to see you here again, alright?
ALAN
Okay, thank you.
[The two POLICE get back into their van, ALAN gets into the back of his car]
ALAN
Right, go. Just drive away. Drive away normally. Stop panicking! Start the engine. Oh, you’ve set the alarm off! Lynn!
[ALAN leans towards the front seat to switch the alarm off]
ALAN
Lean back! What are you doing? Stay still. I was technically in charge of a motor vehicle, then. I could have been done for drink-driving!
[Linton lobby; ALAN and LYNN enter, looking disturbed by the events of the evening. We cut to ALAN's imaginary lap-dancing club. TONY HAYERS is still the only client and ALAN's sweater now has large circles cut-out to reveal his nipples]
ALAN
Would you like me to lap dance for you? Ooh, my peephole Pringle is modelled on an SAS balaclava. Sweet feet!
[ALAN does a twirl, revealing the peephole part of his sweater now filled with miniature traffic cones]
ALAN
Do you like my cones? They’re little ones, I got them from a cycling test centre.
[TONY drinks from a mini traffic cone]
ALAN
I’ve got a clean licence. Yours is dirty! You’ve got six points, I’ve got two… points.
[back to reality]
ALAN
Oh dear. Tonight I was that close... that close to being infamous. I don’t want to be infamous. I want to be… 'fumous... Famous. Like the Rudyard Kipling poem, "If", you know that? "If" you do X, Y and Z... Bob’s your uncle. Do you want a lift to the cab rank?
LYNN
Oh, yes, thank you, I would.
ALAN
Mind you, it’s only a fifteen minute walk, isn’t it?
LYNN
Yes.
ALAN
Right, well, be careful because there’s no lights on the duel carriageway.
LYNN
Right.
[LYNN leaves. On his way to the lift, ALAN meets MICHAEL]
ALAN
Ahh, there you are!
MICHAEL [sheepishly]
Aye-aye, Mr. Partridge.
ALAN
That was a bit of a close shave, wasn’t it?
MICHAEL
Aye, it was a bit, yeah.
ALAN
You disappeared pretty sharpish!
MICHAEL
Aye. Scolded cat, man. I was away!
ALAN
Erm, can I have a couple of eggs for breakfast tomorrow?
MICHAEL
Aye, certainly.
ALAN [angrily]
Yeah. And I’d like you to lay them, you chicken!
[ALAN gets into the lift. He is joined by SUSAN]
SUSAN
Oh, hello Alan.
ALAN
Hello, Susan. Third floor?
SUSAN
Third, yes, thank you.
[they stand in awkward silence until the lift dings its arrival to ALAN's floor]
ALAN
Right, well...
SUSAN
Are you getting out here, or are you going all the way with me?
ALAN
I’m getting out here.
SUSAN
Right. Goodnight, Alan.
[the lift doors close]
ALAN
This country!
[Radio Norwich; next morning]
ALAN
That was The Police, Doo Doo Doo Daa Daa Daa, their gibberish classic! And my tribute to Her Majesty’s Police. It’s nearly seven o’clock, this is Dave Clifton.
DAVE CLIFTON
Yes, indeed! Good morning, my name’s Dave Clifton, and there goes Alan Partridge, cone but not forgotten!
[ALAN groans and lightly chuckles playfully]
DAVE
You off to see a film, like Cone-an the Barbarian?
ALAN
Yeah, good one.
DAVE
Then watch a bit of TV, eh? Like Cone Dancing?
ALAN
Yeah. Not so good... but fine.
DAVE
Oh, come on Alan. What’s the matter with you, cone you take a joke?
ALAN [annoyed]
Oh, fuck off!
[DAVE is stunned into silence]
DAVE
Actually, I am speechless! Dave Clifton is actually speechless. I don’t believe you just said that...
ALAN
You don’t sound it! I wish you were.
DAVE
Well I am! Now, I really don’t know what to say... I find it really difficult to find a way –
ALAN [interrupting]
Try saying nothing!
DAVE
You and I both know that dead air is a crime, and I think it’s terrible that you have to fill it with swearing on your show.
ALAN
Unfortunately, Dave, you are bang wrong! It’s one minute past seven, it’s your show, you’re responsible for the output, I am technically a guest and you’ve failed to control me. Read the small print on your cone-tract.
DAVE [annoyed]
From Go West...
ALAN [interjecting]
...Fannies...
DAVE
[as the credits roll, we see SecuriCam footage of the cone incident, ALAN and MICHAEL get out of the car, there's not much cone-based hi-jinks before the siren of a police car draws nearer. MICHAEL immediately runs away across the embankment, leaving ALAN who puts his cone down and tries to look unassuming as tow police officers walk up to him]
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